Transparency: Unmasking Our Worries

2014 

****************

As I sat in church listening to the sermon it was one that touched a common issue for many people. It was about the importance of not putting on a facade for others… not behaving like you're fine when you're really not. When we act as though we are fine when were not… we ultimately suffer, not having someone to lean on… when in reality we truly need someone's understanding, someone empathetic to listen to our plight… whether were in a season or two (or three) of turbulent times, when we tell our fellow Christian friends were "fine" when the truth is were anything but… God sees this facade we put up… these walls of protecting ourselves from potential judgment or embarrassment. The truth is, church is one of the main places we can reach out to fellow believers and share any current grief, loss and pain.


If we don't feel that our church is a safe place to turn to… we might question if it's the right church… and yet in that it might be time to look closely at whether we've exhausted all our efforts at truly trying to get to know others and connect. If despite concerted attempts at connecting with others have failed then it may be time to find others outside the church we can find commonality with… if we've experienced an unexpected death of a loved one… if we've battled cancer and triumphed… maybe we've suffered domestic violence and have fled, beginning a new life… if we've experienced a new change in our life that requires adapting to a new diet or lifestyle for our own good… whether it's being diagnosed with celiac or diabetes, we can seek out others who are journeying through similar trials and changes in life… we can seek a support group to bridge the gap in our place of loneliness to support.


When we subscribe to worry and not lean on other's, maybe not even lean on God… we find ourselves on an island of solitary weariness. But we don't have to take up residence on that island alone… we can wave to others… invite them over… choosing to not merely smile and say "everything's fine" but instead take that deep breath and say "I'm actually really struggling with x…"

In our trials and worries 

we can remember... 

take heart in the fact 

we are not forsaken… 

God has not forgotten us. 

God never once promised us an easy life… He never said life wouldn't have troubles… but He did promise to walk with us as we forge through them… our circumstances may not change… at least not for awhile… maybe not ever… but God will be by your side the whole way… wanting you to lean on Him.

I have found it's the hardest to trust God when I'm in the deepest waters…

 I instinctively want to flail about… to thrash… to maybe even throw my hands up, get away, escape and run. 

We often just want the problem fixed, a solution found and the suffering to stop. Times like those are when it's hardest to trust Him it seems… and stay in place. It's in these times it may take someone telling us in so many words…

 "What's going on?" 

or 

"I see that you're 

struggling and I'm here… " 

Instead of running, succumbing to worry and sinking… all of us, including myself need that rock… that strong person, that solid place to grasp onto…  we may erroneously believe sharing our momentary fight or flight equates to weakness or embarrassment… but I can assure you it doesn't. 

It means you're human… 

your transparency no matter if shared with a handful, dozens, thousands of people or with one behind closed doors… it shines brightly. 

And even if we don't share… 

even if we don't open up with others… 

we can choose to lay our worries at God's feet each day… 

we can choose to hand them over to Him. 

Prayer ~ 
Lord, please forgive me for not trusting you with my problems big and small. Forgive me when worry become a wedge in my faith. Please give me the strength to put all my worries in your hands. Help me learn to trust you more and believe you are always here for me through the good and difficult. Amen.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours: 

Empathy & Love 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/break-my-heart-for-what-breaks-yours.html

Saying Yes To God & No To Excuses

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/10/saying-yes-to-god-and-no-to-excuses.html

Behind Closed Doors: 

Who Are You?

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/10/behind-closed-doors-who-are-you.html

Divorce & Matt Walsh: Not All "Change" Is Merely A Challenge

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post posted on May 29th, 2014 titled:

 My Wife Is Not The Same Woman That I Married. 

You can read it here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/05/29/wife-person-married/

Matt Walsh shows his naiveté in this post regarding divorce and as he may very well have great intentions... as the second portion about his wife is beautiful… in the first half he writes about how divorced folks today take marriage not-so-seriously… and instead intimates at their finalization they are seemingly ready to celebrate; slice their divorce cake, pop champagne and dance on the tables. Perhaps they are in some cases but to make a blanket assumption about divorced individuals is far from accurate.


He hasn't been divorced.
He hasn't walked that path.
He hasn't known that pain.
He is no better than you and me.

People don't wear a badge of honor 
because their married and 
someone else is divorced. 

Likewise just because someone is legally married does not mean for a second they are in a successful marriage. How do we define a successful marriage? A legal marriage does not constitute a marriage filled with love and selflessness. This is not automatic. Numbers don't matter. People don't give much or any credit to someone saying they've been married 3 years, 5 years or even ten. Their like a baby… and might as well be wearing diapers. There are couples who have been married 20, 35, 50 years and are miserable. There are spouses in these longterm marriages who have endured horrible abuse…  whether emotionally or physically or perhaps both. Can we call those marriages successful? No. Hands down they aren't. Marriage should be a reflection of love… of Jesus… and where abuse resides under a roof Christlike love doesn't. 

per Matt Walsh… 

"Divorcing someone because they change?

You might as well divorce them because they breathe".

Many of us that have divorced have done so due to highly toxic marriages… relationships that perhaps began somewhat good… maybe even great… but soon after the "I do's" or some years later the union began spiraling downward… as one spouse CHANGED… but not regular change… not healthy change… not growth… not becoming better or even just different but instead… change due to...

Narcissism

Craziness  

Sociopathic Traits

Abusive Behavior

Controlling 

Alcoholism

Jealousy

Manipulation

Addictions

Criminal-prone actions

Deviant Behavior

Without a doubt we all change as we journey through life… and for many successful marriages the changes are of two people who are striving for personal greatness individually and as a couple. They are encouragers, they are cheerleaders, they are supportive and lift each other up… not one person pulling the other one down causing despair, chaos and grief.


I can tell you that anyone who has been through a marriage filled with dysfunction at best… but more accurately abuse… they are divorcing because they've suffered a long time. This was a long road, this was a road riddled with a weary "I have to keep trying" and a resolute "I won't give up"… and even cries of "God? Are you there?" Divorce is not the easy way out by any means. Divorce isn't for wimps or sissies. We don't divorce because someone changed in a way that doesn't fit our "comfort zone" as Walsh put it. I don't know any woman or man for that matter who finds the "challenges" of living with someone emotionally unstable or narcissistic or that lies and cheats something that can be merely chalked up to as out of their "comfort zone". There will always be true challenges in marriage yet there are also behaviors ie; actions that shouldn't be happening… that violate the very foundation of trust between two people… that threaten the very core of the union. Actions chosen by one spouse like domestic violence, stonewalling, gas-lighting, infidelity and more are not challenges easily dealt with or that even should be. There are repercussions to all of these actions… bruises and broken bones, psychological distress, sexually transmitted diseases, setting an unhealthy example of love for your children and more. Let's keep in mind that people who have divorced didn't go into marriage desiring divorce to be the outcome… no matter what belief you have, no matter what your faith.

I believe people of all walks of life and a wide spectrum of life circumstances need reaching out, they need support and they need to feel like they are not in their hurt alone. People no matter what age, race, sex or background, they want to feel like they belong… that they matter. And you do. You're divorced. So what? God may hate divorce for what it does… for the pain it causes and it grieves Him. But He doesn't hate you.

 I certainly didn't utter my wedding vows with the thought I would ever be signing divorce papers one day. When our dreams are shattered we aren't dancing on tables, or making toasts, were often watching dreams go down the drain that we looked forward to for a lifetime. Today, looking back at seven year old me… playing Barbies, building with Lincoln Logs and making mud pies in the backyard, I never ever would have guessed I'd be divorced one day. Never in a million years. As a little girl I wanted to get married and live happily ever after. As a little girl every Christmas my family would load up in the family car and drive across town… every year in December at Christmastime the residents along the lake on the west side would put up light displays. The various displays would twinkle, their colors reflecting off the water, shimmering in the moonlight. Our vehicle would slow to a stop and we'd peer out at the beautiful lights in awed silence. All the magnificent homes would be lit up in the background… and as we'd make the turn around the corner to pass by the homes… I always thought to myself… one day… I hope one day I live here, in this neighborhood… in one of these homes… I want the windows lit with light and laughs within. I want memories and extended family… I want the Currier and Ives moment.

I want the fairy tale.

You know what?

I got it. 


I grew up.
I got married.
I had kids.
I lived in that neighborhood.
I had the lights on the lake at Christmas.
The windows were lit up every night like a beacon of hope.


Yes, I had everything.

Everything…

but love. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To my readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing

In-Law's & Approval

 “Couple Sitting Of The Couch Having Problems In Their Relationship” 

by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Approval: the belief that someone or something is good or acceptable.

In-laws...

We may (initially at least) desire their approval. 

But in reality the idea of in-laws may not be picture perfect and far from it. 

The word in-laws alone may conjure up images of two sides screaming it out on Dr. Phil as he assesses the friction filled dynamic to offer up some sense of sage advice for all involved. 

Whether it's a father in law, sister in law, brother in law or the often cursed mother in law.... in-laws can be a challenge to live in harmony with... to put it nicely. 

My own marriage was riddled with meddling from my in-law's that seemed never ending and truth be told, was. 

As a young woman when you first marry you may have idealistic expectations of family gatherings.... you may picture yourself helping your mother in law make the fruit salad, helping your sister in law bake a pie etc at Thanksgiving each November or laughing at family gatherings over a glass of wine or pouring over family photo albums with the warm and fuzzy feelings you wish and hope for. 

Instead you have issue (valid) with something your in-laws have done 

And all of this could have been prevented with a little thing called boundaries. 

Exasperated, you may turn to your husband with hands in the air "What the heck is going on?!" You may exclaim incrudeously. He may shrug and point out that she is only trying to help. 

"Help?!" You cry... "Oh My God... that's not helping. That's interfering, meddling and just plain rude." 

If he does not see what you see is an issue this is when the situation becomes incredibly much more difficult. If he is not willing to admit his mother needs some boundaries then your issue with her will translate to an issue with him. 

I remember feeling incredibly frustrated and thinking when I was first married "Why doesn't he grow a pair? I mean, seriously.... get some balls!" 

Now I will say that the issues with my in-laws grew to gigantic proportions once we announced we were pregnant. Announcing we were pregnant was met with a "Maybe it will turn out retarded!" followed with a cackle reminiscent of an evil witch. 

Stunned, I stood there speechless that anyone would have such ineptness and mean spiritedness. Who are these people? I'd always think... and yet if I voiced any opposition about anything they said or did it would be twisted to "Well, you are too sensitive." or "She's so whiny." to my husband. And their favorite one was dished out with a dismissive shrug, "Well, you'll get over it."

(I didn't know at the time I was dealing with emotionally toxic individuals who gas-lighted, projected and made me truly believe their awful behavior wasn't really them but me being too sensitive.)

Moments like these continue for so long and so often you may begin to think your own family looks pretty normal by now even with whatever hair raising dysfunctionality they bring to the table. I mean, at least you are used to their dysfunctionality... these new people? Not so much. 

We had only been married about three years and my mother in law was constantly advising how to parent our newborn and I was fed up. Thinking she clearly needed something constructive to do with her time and since she was a widow, I signed her up for a dating service online. Great idea in theory perhaps, but obviously not well received. I highly wouldn't recommend going that route. 

What I would recommend if you are having issues with an in-law.... 

Try to be the bigger person. I know, I know, that may be like pulling nails but the truth is... when we marry, on some level we want our in-law's approval. We want them to like us. At first we may be willing to take a lot of... ahem "poo" to feel accepted into the inner circle. But as the marriage progresses and we as women become more confident in our roles as wives and mothers we may find our mother in laws advice more off putting and critical than helpful. Holding your tongue is best if the issue is something minimal like she doesn't care for your new haircut. Picking your battles is wise, and should be saved for deal breakers (like she's putting your children in danger such as letting them walk on railroad tracks in which someone must speak up). Setting boundaries in a firm way is best. When you feel your mother in law is pushing your limits (and buttons) just say "You know, that sounds nice, we'd love to stay but we are going to have to leave at the time we said because my parents are anxious to see the kids too."

Your husband. It's important you talk with him about how you feel. If he's a Mama's boy and believes his mother is behaving just fine and appropriate... if he states "I don't have a problem with her", then you have a really big problem. He needs to acknowledge your stance and needs and wants for the relationship and family as a whole. It's technically his role and place to stand up to his mother and say "Mom, I know you mean well and want to help, but we've decided to go with such and such or do so and so...." If he is not willing to do this and set a boundary in a nice and loving (and consistent) manner I would advise marital counseling. 

It's extremely important that when we are dating someone we mesh with their parents. If they treat you luke warmly, act as if you are invisible, say cutting and rude remarks or act inappropriately... stay alert to any of these red flags. They will make their initial first impression of you and if they decide they don't like you their opinion likely won't change over time. Even after you marry they may be gunning for any reason to put pressure upon their son to ditch you. If you believe your in-laws have a huge issue with you while dating it may be wise to reassess your relationship with the man you are potentially planning to spend the rest of your life with... 

Is he willing to go the extra mile to protect your relationship? 

Is he willing to cleave to you and make you his number one priority after God?

Is he willing to actively set healthy loving boundaries with his parents? 

Do you have anything in common with his parents besides him?

Is there purposeful love being demonstrated between his family members? Or is everyone filled with friction and turmoil? 

When a hurt has occurred is there apology and forgiveness? Is it discussed or swept under the rug, dismissed or trivialized?

As a newcomer they shouldn't view you as a threat but as an additional family member embraced into their circle. Each side should feel included and the husband's family should not take priority over the wife's or vice versa. 

When we don't feel accepted and know that we are not what our in-laws forsaw their son marrying and they make it clear to us... that can be extremely disappointing. But here's the truth: 

You are not defined by their lack of approval.

We can pray for the relationships in our family regarding our in-laws and hope that each heart will be softened, that each will be sensitive to each others feelings and at the end of the day each will treat the other how they would wish to be treated. 

As we all know, unintentional hurts may occur within a family (we are human, not perfect) but if overall we are each attempting to be sensitive to how we would feel if someone attempted to treat us like an outsider or less than.... we can create a happier, healthier, loving family. 

And at the end of the day that's what a family should be. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

               To My Readers:

                Thank you for reading, 

              commenting and sharing!