Divorce: 3 Lessons Learned

 image “Hand Of A Man And Woman Tearing Apart Heart Symbol” by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Divorce

Yes, it is a life changer. Anyone who has been through it knows that with it comes a complete upheaval of your life. But it doesn't have to be all bad. For both men and women it has it's challenges, no doubt but with those we can remember to cling to several lessons divorce teaches us.

Lesson #1: 

Learn to trust yourself, your instincts and personal wisdom. 

Give yourself credit. 

After divorce we become better at choosing what behaviors we will and won't put up with. When we go through a divorce, unless it was amicable more than likely there was a significant unhealthy dynamic between us and our soon to be ex. Maybe one person was a narcissist, even worse a sociopath… in that case the personality disordered individual was downright toxic to be married to. Anyone who has experienced the toxic abuse of an ex knows firsthand the challenges in coping with someone who isn't healthy. That being said… when it comes to implementing no contact with an ex who has proved time and time again through his or her actions that you shouldn't engage with them… that thinking may very well carry over into other relationships as well. When I was invited to a reunion a few years ago, I declined going. One relative in particular was up in arms about it, attempting the guilt trip routine but I stood firm. Even my sister voiced her concerns I wasn't attending it. It wasn't until after she had fought highway construction, the added stress of finding an area she wasn't familiar with and terrible late night traffic with her young children in tow going and coming back to attend said reunion did she text me later that night saying I'd made the right choice and in hindsight she wish she'd declined as I had. There was zero ill will towards these relatives… it's just that jumping through hoops and giving of your time to be with folks who then behave indifferently isn't healthy. I had empathy for her, saw her effort and desire for a different outcome yet had known it wouldn't go well based on past actions. Just because we don't wish to engage with others doesn't mean we can't wish them well. We often learn to re-evaluate and value our time, our needs and wants more after giving too much to the wrong people. Tapping into our instincts we have about others is something we certainly have the right to and should do. Trust your gut. Forming boundaries with others is essential and not swaying when we shouldn't is even more vital. Divorce helps us become stronger, to say no more often and when needed, to take more initiative in our life as the captain of our own ship… we are fully capable of making the decision of who stays on board and who doesn't.

Lesson #2: 

Be the parent you always wanted to be and make your child's

 remaining childhood the best you can. 

After divorce we certainly have the opportunity to become better parents. If we had children during the course of our marriage we know if the union wasn't great that tension may have trickled into our parenting as well. Stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells from a toxic spouse may have left us snapping at our children or merely wanting to just zone out on the couch to decompress. Since being divorced I feel more relaxed in my parenting… meaning less stressed out. Once were single and rid of all the stress that we experienced before we may surprisingly and pleasantly find ourselves calmer and more connected with our children. Having more energy now that isn't expended on trying to calm or tip toe around an abusive/indifferent spouse leaves us with much more for our children. Creating a more peaceful environment for our children and having that extra energy for play means more opportunities to connect and have fun which translates to a happier, more well adjusted, nurtured child. At the end of the day children don't really care about living in the bigger house, having the nicer car or wearing the designer clothes… what they want are the three things money can't buy… their parents time, attention and love.

Lesson #3: 
Say goodbye to negative thinking patterns that do nothing but make you feel trapped. 
You hold the power to new thinking. 

Several times during the course of my divorce and in it's aftermath of finalization I began sinking into what I'd call catastrophic thinking. No one could really blame anyone for going into this negative mindset regarding divorce… there are many days we literally feel like we won't make it another day much less another hour. It's so incredibly easy for depression to set in… especially if were already prone to it due to family history, ADHD, etc. Catastrophic thinking is comparable to quick sand… you dip your toe in with one or a few bad self-defeating thoughts and before you know it… yikes, you're full blown drowning in that mess… and it's harder than heck to get yourself out of it once you're in it. 

Catastrophic thinking is the false idea that:

 "IT WON'T EVER GET BETTER!", "I CAN'T DO THIS!", "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MYSELF!", and "I'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE!", "NO ONE WILL WANT ME NOW!!", "I NO LONGER HAVE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY!", "WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOO?!", "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!", "I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD OUTBACK AGAIN!" (If you're addicted to Bloomin Onions you know that's a true concern).  But, seriously, deep breaths… it's no wonder you're perhaps thinking like this… you're going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE and that can send us into a spiral, to begin having panic attacks and needing reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I'm here to tell you today: 

 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 

Yeah, you might need to readjust the finances… more than likely you aren't going to be living at the same level you were. But you are still here. Deep breath. God is not done with you… you are here and when you can't take another step He will renew your strength to power on. You might need to frequent the Dollar store for your kids to have activities to do. You might need to live off canned chicken and dollar bread for awhile… mayonnaise and parmesan cheese might become luxury items. You might need to go without buying any new clothes for a year. Or two. Or three. You may have to sell items from your old life to pay for things you need in your new life. You may have a Birkin from your old life and yet be eating ramen noodles. It happens. 

Yes, you will meet new people… you're going to be pleasantly surprised when God puts certain people along your path that have been through similar trials… and who knows… you may meet someone who sings a song your sweet heart knows and even better… fall in love with him or her and share a new life you are both blessed to live. 

The next time catastrophic thinking knocks at your door… realize that's a conversation the devil wants to engage you in… it's a talk that goes nowhere but down and takes you with it. Rebuke those negative thoughts and remember that nothing remains exactly the same… were all in motion… even in tiny steps… were all moving forward and circumstances that seem hopeless today will change and improve bit by bit. God has you and even in the darkest days He is there. 

You aren't worth less because divorce has caused your life to change. The things you can and cannot do don't define you. Your faith, your courage in the midst of uncertainty and pressing on… being there for your children and taking care of yourself so they have the best mommy or daddy possible is what matters. Your perspective will shift. Those fancy pillows at Pottery Barn won't seem so important… that gotta have it piece of jewelry at Macy's won't be a priority… divorce forces us to get back to basics… to making popsicles for our kids, playing tic-tac-toe and reading outside on a blanket under a shade tree. Hug your children and remember more than ever they need you right now… that's why it is so important to practice self care during and even in the aftermath of divorce. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, (nap if you need to) take your medications regularly as prescribed, pray, exercise, take Vitamin D, eat as healthy as possible and take time for yourself… sports, movies, whatever helps you decompress… reading, bubble bath, funny sitcoms, crafting, gardening, journaling, etc. If you believe you are depressed seek the help of your doctor in finding a medication that would best suit you… have your Vitamin D levels checked and make sure you have a support system in place of people that know and understand what you're going through. Check out DivorceCare at a local church if you're not already a member… it's extremely helpful to find people who will share their faith and similar circumstances for support and fellowship. 

Divorce is a life changer no doubt. 

But one of the best things about it is now you are the leading lady or man. 

Not your ex husband. 

Not your ex wife. 

Not your ex-mother in law.

It's your time now.
It's your time to dive into who you were destined to be… 
It's a new beginning… 
Be brave… 
Take God by the hand and jump in. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

When Your Narcissistic Ex Re-Marries

“Pre Wedding” by arztsamui via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

 names have been omitted or changed in this post 

*****************

My daughter and I exchanged our I love you's and goodbyes and then I ended the FaceTime call. I walked into the den where my mother was seated on the taupe couch watching Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines on HGTV.

"Oh, I love this show…"I told her, curling up on the couch and reaching for my favorite mug to take a sip of cranberry juice. "Joanna is so talented… everything she does turns out beautifully."

My mother agreed and grinned at me "And he knows how to fix stuff."

"I know, and they are so down to earth." I smiled.

"So how was your phone call? How is she doing?" She asked me, referring to my daughter who was about to end her week at her dad's and return to me.

"It was good… she seemed okay."I told her. "She said he asked Georgina to marry him on Valentine's Day. She said yes." I told my mother referring to my ex and his girlfriend who traveled back and forth from London and the states.

She looked at me. "Well, I'm not surprised. We kinda figured it was coming. Good. Maybe it will keep him busy. But it won't last." She told me.

I nodded. "I know, my thoughts exactly. I know it won't as well. We really haven't been divorced that long considering the length of our marriage and there he goes jumping into another one ready to make the same mistakes. He has to have someone so badly. It's unreal. Can't be on his own for five minutes. And I question her decision making. She's leaving her own young daughter back in London to come over here and marry him… flying back and forth to see her child… who does that? They don't have single eligible men in London?" I questioned.

My mother shook her head with a grimace. "I agree. It's a ridiculous set up. Eventually it will all fall apart." She remarked.

"I was actually thinking about picking up a cake and bottle of wine… I'm just so glad it's not me marrying him… can I get an AMEN? That's reason enough to celebrate." I smiled.

***************

When the ex narcissistic sociopath re-marries it's typically quick; on the speedy heels of their divorce. It has to be… because supply is dwindling fast and needs to be replaced(!)… when they became separated or their divorce was finalized their ego took a hard hit… let's face it, their ego hit the floor like a busted watermelon splitting into a million pieces and they had to find a way to pick themselves back up and look good in the mirror and world once again.


When we think about it, it's so bizarre that a narcissistic sociopath wants to rush into marriage… that they hurry to tie down the next one and make it legal… because in reality they suck at marriage. They don't really want a loving, healthy marriage where two people come together to share their love for one another, their feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. Instead it's about a one sided selfish agenda of:

How does this person make me look? 
How does this person enhance my likability? 
How does this person boost my image to the outside world? 
Is he or she attractive, wealthy, smart, talented, educated, etc? 

And that's what is so mind boggling… again, they suck at marriage because first, it's really all about them and secondly, there's this new person they've suckered into loving them. All the while they plan to screw them over in various ways… by cheating, manipulating, stone-walling, gas-lighting, etc.


It's all about them.


You Are Bought Like Cattle…
The narcissistic sociopath views marriage as a business deal… you are purchased after he has deemed you worthy of supply for the short term (because longterm doesn't exist with a personality disordered individual; eventually he will grow bored, you will age or begin to rebel as you realize the manipulation you have endured, gaining strength to finally leave). Realizing you deserve better, you take the first step to disentangle yourself from the narc while he's off hunting for the next supply or already enmeshed with one or even several; juggling them like pearls trying to choose the best one, the one that will bring the best return on his "investment".


Starting Again… 
That's why when someone who has been with a narcissistic sociopath begins to dip their toes into the dating pool again they are highly suspicious of anyone trying to get close too quickly… the one who begins voicing admiration and affection (love-bombing) for us makes us uncomfortable at best… maybe even nervous and downright panicked… looking for an exit to flee to, we may hurriedly put the brakes on any romantic relationship beginning to bud. Even if we are feeling a connection and see potential in a relationship everything in us screams that we are about to be trapped like an unsuspecting ladybug and that at any moment we could be indefinitely detained from flying away. Some might say that's paranoia talking, some might say we need to relax, some might say we will never find love if we keep flying away… but someone who has good intentions realizes that forming a friendship first and foremost is vital and any romantic aspect can wait… that true love is slow to form and not instantaneous or rushed.


We just want real love. 
We won't settle for anything less. 


The narcissistic sociopath may say sweet things, may do nice things, may seemingly love you with all his or her (empty) little heart… but it's all a facade… it's what's required to get the job done… like a business deal when you marry them you sign a contract to assist them, to cater to them, to help them feel good about themselves… and then one day you get your pink slip and are sent packing… you're dismissed(!) sent on your way back out into the wild…

But it's ironic… because out there you fight tooth and nail to stand on your own again and you do just that… with fists of determination you channel your inner Scarlett O'Hara; you rise, you stand tall and strong and curl your lip with satisfaction that you made it… maybe you're a wee bruised, maybe you're a little tired, maybe you're a bit jaded… but bit by bit you overcame and are just so grateful… so very incredibly thankful when you hear they are re-marrying that it's not you signing up for the orchestrator of chaos… because you've lived that crazy channel and there's nothing new to watch.

It's the same show.

on repeat. 

every. darn. time. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 


RELATED POSTS:

20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You

The Narcissistic Sociopath: Hidden Agenda's

Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs

A Letter Of Love: For Those Enduring A Break-Up

“Future” by graur razvan donut via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

It's never easy for a good woman to walk away; especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know, that by the time she finally decides to leave, she's given you countless chances and debated the idea, over and over in her head, at least 1000 times. She's exhausted; she's frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who deep down inside, she still loves and is still willing to fight for."

 - Mr. Amari Soul 


But sometimes were not willing

 to fight for love anymore…
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.


December 2015

names have been omitted in this post

*****************

It was just days before Christmas… what a year it had been. It was a year of many changes and blessings… of financial stability, health and even heartbreak. But with that heartbreak came the promise of a new year… a fresh start… and renewed hope. 

Wearing black leggings, warm socks and a plaid flannel shirt I poured milk from it's plastic container into a small pot upon the cooktop… waiting for it to slowly simmer and gradually reach a soft rolling boil. I listened as my mother spoke. 

"I'll tell you why you're so upset! Why the past few weeks have been so hard! It's because he turned out to not be willing to do the necessary work he needed to. He wasn't willing to step up. Because deep down you realize he doesn't love you enough to do it." She watched as I returned the milk to it's place in the refrigerator, closing it. Then I rummaged through the pantry in search of hot cocoa powder. 

Ouch. 

Yeppers. That was it. 

My voice cracked with emotion like it does when I'm trying my hardest not to cry. "Yeah…" I replied feeling the sting of the truth biting me. "He kept complaining about his back pain, his depression, his ex, his mother, his job, it was always something. I began to realize he just wanted me to be his fix for everything. He takes zero personal responsibility for his own life. I mentioned counseling… that it really helps. He said he would need me to join him in counseling… in his own words "to keep him honest"… I thought that was the most bizarre and alarming thing to say." 

She nodded and said "He needed you to keep him honest… like a child? So what? If you married him you'd have to be with him 24/7 just to ensure he's doing what he's supposed to do? Being where he's supposed to be? Who the heck is going to sign up for that? Then what? If he cheats… let me guess… it's your fault?" 

I murmured in agreement as I poured hot cocoa powder into empty Christmas mugs from Target for my daughter and I and then set out a tub of cool whip and chocolate sprinkles. 

"I actually said the same thing to him in so many words. I asked him if he was three years old… that I shouldn't have to baby-sit him. It's so ironic, really… he accused me of not wanting to put in the work necessary when he's actually the one that is stubborn to self-growth and personal responsibility. It's not my first rodeo… I've been through this before… all this twisting and spinning." I sighed "At the end of the day it's a no go. It's really hurt because I had high hopes. That's the thing about it… you can deeply love and care about someone even if they aren't right for you." 

A Letter Of Love… 

You lost him.

Or her.

You lost someone special.

Someone who at one time you would have done anything for.

Maybe you did. 

Maybe you still would.

Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them. 

Maybe you would have fought every weary battle imaginable to be with them.

Perhaps losing them happened in one fell swoop… or perhaps it was a painful, long, slow, process as bit by bit you lost them more each day over the course of weeks, months, even years.

Maybe you knew every scar beneath clothing.

Maybe you knew every smirk, look, and inflection.

Maybe you knew each quirk, peeve and irritation.

Maybe you listened to their every fear, hope and dream into the wee hours of night.

Maybe you grasped their hand with affection when all was good and clasped it when tears fell from their eyes in the bad.

Maybe you knew exactly where their sore spots were, where not to touch, where you dared not go so as to never inflict further hurt and pain.

Maybe you knew every little thing that made them laugh and every great joy they basked in.

Maybe you knew their soul, their deep down yearnings like no other… maybe you read every page of their heart and still desired to know more.

Maybe you made love to them in the brilliant sunlight of day with the scent of coffee nearby… or maybe you satisfied them in the midnight hours eliciting increasing crescendo.

Maybe you held them tight when they were afraid and put their worries to rest even when they knew they were silly.

Maybe you worried when they didn't call or arrive when promised… all those times you fleetingly felt a surge of reality rise up within from your stomach and strike your heart… reality that you simply can't lose this person who means everything to you.

Maybe you didn't step up when you needed to… maybe you feel you failed them on some level however difficult or impossible to admit to yourself because it hurts too much.

Maybe you didn't allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and let your annoying traits, your hang-ups, your occasional doubts show because you questioned who could love those.

Maybe you sacrificed too much… maybe you said yes too many times when you should have said no… maybe you realize you were doing the opposite of what you should have been doing.

Maybe they gave up on you and you're left standing on the side of the road wondering where to go next… lost… lonely and baffled.

Maybe you are mourning who you thought they were... as it turned out they resembled hurt rather than love.

Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.

Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…

Maybe you're kicking yourself.

Maybe you're angry with them as well.

And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.

It's okay to admit that you still love them... love is there, always will be... it's just that you aren't right for each other.

It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."

It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."

There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."

There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."

There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."

We've all been there.

To act like we haven't would be a lie.

The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…

Because there is another chapter…

Shining brightly for you.

A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.

It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.

It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.

It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.

This trying time won't last forever.

In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.

Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.

Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.

It always does.

Be patient, wait for it.

Everything better is worth waiting for.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting 

and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:


Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

Is Your EX-Narc Happy Now?

The Narcissistic Ex: Crossing Boundaries = Control

“Fence With Barbed Wire” by franky242 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains language 

******************

It was October… fall was finally here… and cooler temps meant Texas was finally reaching low nineties… even eighties… which was wonderful and welcome. Wearing boots, black jeans, a dark sleeveless top and my apron I thanked the sweet customer I was waiting on and handed her her receipt. I walked around the counter to survey the various pieces of furniture that needed to be dealt with… pieces that needed to be moved to the back holding area. As I did so… something, or someone caught my peripheral vision. I turned and noticed a man standing at the end of the checkout holding a comforter set to purchase. I pleasantly called to him that I could help him if he was ready. He began walking toward me and it was then that I came face to face… with my ex. 


"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine…" the line Humphrey Bogart said of Ingrid Bergman's character Ilsa in Casablanca went through my head.

"There's dozens of stores in this town and you… YOU just HAD to come in here!" I steamed to myself silently.

I looked right through him and spoke "Hello. Is this everything for you today?" I asked robotically but not really expecting nor wanting an answer.

He nodded and smiled "Yeah" and moved, trying to catch my eye and engage me "Hey.... thanks for helping us!" He said with a overly cheerful tone.

"Why don't you take a freaking flying leap…" I thought to myself but said nothing and rang up his comforter. 

I told him his total and glanced down at our daughter who stared at me in distress as she knew instinctively it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for me to see him. He swiped his credit card on the machine.

"Hey, sweet pea… it's good to see you." I smiled at her "I love you."

I plucked the receipt as it dispensed from the register and handed it to him.

"Thank you." I said looking through him once more.

He took the comforter set in it's bag by the handle and said thank you as well, taking the receipt.

My daughter looked at me like a stricken hostage as she said "Bye, Mommy" and left with him.


They walked away and out the automatic doors. I turned to face the counter behind me and took deep breaths. "That sorry so and so… I don't believe it's asking too much for him to go shop somewhere else." I thought. "He has dozens of stores to choose from and he comes in here. He could have come in when he KNEW I wasn't working. But… no. What an ass!" I sniped to myself in my head. It was like I needed barbed wire between my ex and I… he knew no boundaries… or more accurately did not care about them… he continued to overstep and play a game of forced interaction… forced supply… forced engagement. It was all ridiculous and yet expecting him to be reasonable and stay away was expecting insane to behave sanely.

In a Narc's eyes when they CROSS BOUNDARIES 

they seek CONTROL over you

My manager walked up and took one look at me "Hey, Jen… are you okay?" She asked with concern painted across her face peering at me intently.

I nodded and noticed I was shaking. Great. Not that again, I thought. "I am… I just had to wait on my ex. I'm really upset he came in here." I confided in her.

She looked at me with empathy and spoke softy "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. If you need to take a break you can. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She told me. I deeply appreciated her words and comfort.

"Thank you, " I told her "I'll be okay… I just wish it hadn't happened." I admitted ruefully.

****************

Most couples… well… NORMAL and HEALTHY couples, they have a relationship of some kind… they date or they marry and then come to the decision… either mutually or alternatively one or the other decides that this simply isn't working. At that point they sit down and have a discussion as two mature adults and decide to part ways… either just breaking up or filing for divorce.

Despite some hurt and maybe heated moments of emotion… despite perhaps heartfelt feelings uttered… maybe overdue and just plain too late… these people can deal with the pain and move on… they divide everything with the help of attorneys… or trade boxes of t-shirts, DVD's and spatulas… even wishing the other person well. They each realize that the other person isn't a bad person… they just aren't right for them… and they can still see admirable, likable qualities in them despite any difficulties they shared that couldn't be smoothed out for the long haul. This is what mature healthy adults do when handling the disappointing fallout of a relationship however longterm or short lived.


But with a narcissistic sociopath? 

It's just not happening. They never go away. They never completely disappear. They never take the hint that moving on is exactly how it's stated… moving on. That means for the mentally insane and inept folks out there: You don't just keep popping back up like a jack in the box and reappearing in your ex's life. You hit the door and don't look back. You go through the grief and pain of the breakup and come out the other side renewed and ready to spring back into life… healed and ready for a new chapter… a new chapter of self and spiritual growth and even possibly love again. You don't continue to engage with your ex and make them… FORCE them to give you face time. Instead, you move on and give them their space.


20 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath 
May Do During/ After A Break-Up:

1. Show up at your place of employment or home.
2. Call incessantly.
3. Call at 4 in the morning and hang up.
4. Leave dozens of voicemails… angry, tearful, raging, etc on your phone.
5. Send dozens of text messages that threaten, plea or rage at you.
6. Harass your friends via social media.
7. Stalk your Facebook.
8. Make fake accounts and stalk your Facebook.
9. Change your address for your mail.
10. Intercept your mail.
11. Hide your children from you and or alienate them from you.
12. Threaten to take your children from you.
13. Turn off your utilities, cell phone, water, etc.
14. Key your car.
15. Puncture your tires.
16. Suddenly insist on passports for your children.
17. Have his friends harass you either via phone, text, or showing up at your work or home.
18. Parade his new supply around you to "make you jealous".
19. Send flowers and beg you to stay with him.
20. Bug your phone, hack your email and track your car via GPS.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you are experiencing any or all of these toxic behaviors you don't have to feel alone.

There is help.

You can get assistance at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) via the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year. You can also file a police report so the behavior is documented. 

RELATED POSTS: 

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You

7 Tips For Releasing Blame Post Divorce: Self Imposed & Toward Your Ex

In 2014 a thirty nine year old Texas man was punched out for bravely standing up to a group of men who were cat-calling women from their vehicle. Upon him telling the men something to the effect of "hey, watch what you're saying…" one leaped from the vehicle and punched him in the face sending him to the concrete where he lay unconscious, awaiting medical help. This isn't the first time that men behaving badly toward women has ended in violence nor sadly likely the last.

This past Saturday after a gloriously fun day of sunshine, floats, Irish music, snow cones, barbecue and southern potato salad, my daughter and I left the St. Patricks Day parade we had attended and pulled into a gas station en-route home. As I exited the gas station a man entering spoke to me "Hey, what's up baby doll! How you doin?" Disgust rose within me and I instinctively wanted to respond, to lash out, as I thought to myself… Hey, Neanderthal, how would you like my knee to meet up with your testicles? But, no, I bit my Irish tongue. I ignored the comment and continued on, him emitting a low guttural sound of indignant ego-centric injury; bewildered I wasn't enthralled with what he believed to be a splendid choice of words. As women we may be blamed for these scenarios. Some may ask "Well, what were you wearing?" or think "Well, you're too sensitive, it could be viewed as a compliment, maybe you need to lighten up."

But the truth is… none of those responses apply, as women shouldn't be made to feel as though they are the ones with the issue.

It's really no different in the aftermath of a breakup. Some may tend to shift blame to the wrong person.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend for lunch and after her sharing the updates of her life I shared the good news I had a new job, that I enjoyed my work, liked my boss and found my co-workers delightful to work with. I explained that post divorce I had at times been beating myself up for the fact I hadn't had a career during my marriage. I had worked part time here or there but for the most part as a whole I had primarily been a stay at home mom. After marrying and starting a family I had wanted to be at home with my children, especially when they were young at least… I had wanted to give them that stability and enjoy their childhood. But then post divorce I found myself occasionally thinking if only I had worked, if only I had done this, if only I had done that… I'd be further ahead, I'd be financially set, I wouldn't be focused so much on bills, savings and retirement.

But as I did that… I realized it was fine to acknowledge I could have done things differently and even to say I wouldn't make the same choices in the future, but not in taking on more blame where I shouldn't.

In a self-imposed blame game we may attempt to act as the aid, the salve, the repairman, or woman, to an ex's poor behavior. Maybe we find ourselves thinking: "Well, if I'd done x, y, z, I wouldn't be in such a mess… if I'd done THIS or THAT it would have offset his or her screw up aka infidelity." But we cannot make someone behave. We are then subscribing to the false idea we can control someone else's actions.

Like those guys who were cat-calling and the guy at the gas station sometimes people truly are to blame for poor behavior and less than swell circumstances. Yet they may or may not take responsibility for their poor choices. In hindsight we can all take responsibility for where we could have done better whether it be in our marriages, friendships, even our parenting. The problems begin when blame starts getting shifted to others, when people won't own up to their part in a situation. Or alternatively issues start when we begin blaming ourselves for something instead of having a balanced and healthy view of it or merely our hand in it amongst others contribution.

No matter what your marriage was like; no matter how amicable or even "War of the Roses-like" your divorce was… there are lessons to be taken from it. One of those lessons is learning to give yourself grace. Not an excuse for bad behavior but yes, please don't beat yourself up with all the coulda woulda shoulda's post relationship. It may be tempting to go there but at the end of the day give yourself sweet, sweet grace.

It's never wise nor healthy to take on the role of the victim in our failed relationships. It deems us powerless in our past where we had choices but either refused to make them or simply naively believed, hoped, that a grossly dysfunctional situation would get better. Both men and women are capable of being married to narcissistic, sociopathic people… those who marry them are without a doubt targets… but we don't have to sign the dotted line as a victim nor a target for infinity. We each have the ability to move on, to take responsibility for our portion and then rebuild our life to reflect that blessed insight.

Taking responsibility post divorce for what areas we could have done better in, even what we would do differently if in a new relationship, takes clarity, maturity and wisdom. In life we can learn from our past and forge forward with more information to make better choices in the next chapter(s) to come. In taking responsibility we need to be cautious in how much we are assuming… are we accepting the whole pie as ours when it burned up? Or are we accepting responsibility for a quarter of it? Or half? What was your role in it burning to a crisp? Do you even have one? Don't accept the entire pie as yours if portions of it truly belong on someone else's plate.

If you grew up as the black sheep, the scapegoat in a family where a narcissist was the head of the flock and always found fault with you… then you may have grown up in a pattern of being told you were the sole cause for x,y,z to happen… even if that wasn't reality. It's never too late to say "No" to that unhealthy pattern, even years later and reclaim your life… you don't have to accept blame and gross responsibility from others where it doesn't apply… instead you can subscribe to a new outlook, one of clear, concise objectivity… 

And like the pie just accept the slice(s) that belong to you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

7 Steps To Release Blame:

1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Talk about why you're angry; with either a trusted therapist, friend or pastor
3. Use your anger in a healthy way; start a new project, hobby, career, workout routine/class, volunteer, write/journal, find ways to channel that anger into something positive and life changing.
4. Acknowledge any fears you may have; are you afraid you will never find someone and live a life all alone? Are you clinging to blame out of the fear of failing financially? Maybe a general fear of the unknown future?
5. Can you make a list of what you did right in your relationship? What things could you have done differently?
6. Acknowledge any improvements in your new life; there have to be some no matter how small. Celebrate those and think of how to add more.
7. Focus on each of your daily choices because you are in the drivers seat; are you reaching for the Ben n Jerry's when a run might be more beneficial? Is isolation really better than meeting up with friends? Being aware of our daily actions can dictate if we spring back from a divorce or stay stuck in the pain of the past.

RELATED POSTS: 

For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

Dear Friend: A Letter of Love To You

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation/Abuse

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation:

1. Your child's cell phone always goes to voicemail now.
2. Your cell number is now removed from your child's "favorites" or deleted completely.
3. Your texts to your child have no response; you've been blocked.
4. One parent not including the other's contact info in the school directory.
5. One parent not including the other parents info on the emergency contact form at school.
6. One parent saying "Daddy/Mommy has all my money due to the child support I pay."
7. A parent allowing their child to speak hatefully to the other parent in person/ on the phone.
8. Scheduling activities for the children without consulting the other parent.
9. Playing favorites over one child; one child gets a tutor, soccer, cotillion, etc and the other child receives nothing.
10. A parent having "private talks" with one child and the other child/children excluded.
11. Ignoring the "Right of 1st Refusal" in the decree/ not contacting the other parent to spend time with the child… instead, enlisting a babysitter, family member or intimate partner to watch the child.
12. A parent stating to the child that because the other parent filed for divorce it's their fault the marriage ended.
13. Removing photographs of the other parent from their children's room/possession.
14. Not informing the other parent of their child's school plays, field trips, Open House, field day, picture day, soccer games, swimming lessons, parent/teacher conferences, etc.
15. Chronically not answering the phone when the other parent calls to speak with the child.
16. Sabotaging one parents visits to see the children.
17. The child is afraid of you for no valid reason. They say they "don't feel safe with you", or "can't trust you."
18. Your relationship with your child deteriorates; it goes from close and loving to hateful and eventually non-existent.
19. The other parent over buys for the children creating a world of tempting excessive materialism that you could never or would never choose to provide.
20. A child's hatred suddenly extends to the rest of the parent's family; grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc.
21. A child erroneously believes he/she is making the choice to cut ties with their parent but in reality it is the other parent who is using them like a puppet on strings.
22. The child refuses to spend any time with the other parent; even meeting for dinner, etc.
23. One parent tells the child that the other parent has "rules at their house unlike his/hers".
24. A child's viewpoint is black/white and see the alienating parent as a "hero", "all good guy/gal" and the other parent as the total bad one… no gray area or in between.
25. Your child now lies like your ex about anything and everything.
26. One parent makes poor choices that aren't in the best interests of the children; hiring a babysitter that has a baby so the attention is on it not the children, sneaking in men/women into the house for sex with the children present, not using car/booster seats, leaving young children home alone or those with special needs, drinking & driving, etc.
27. Therapy for the child isn't proving to be helpful in a reconnection with the alienated parent.
28. One child continues to report that their sibling is being manipulated by one parent.
29. Overhearing a parents plans with the child; dinner, movie, water park, etc and immediately takes them to do those activities as a ruse to "win points" as the more fun parent.
30. One parent telling the child "when you are 12, 16, etc you can decide whose house you want to live at." ...giving a child too much power and/or asking them to choose one of you over the other.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

The Manipulative Parent's Child: Teaching Empathy & Exposing Lies

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For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/11/for-men-women-10-lessons-from-divorce.html

10 Phrases A Narcissistic Sociopath Uses

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The Manipulative Parent's Child: Teaching Empathy & Exposing Lies

One of the most pressing concerns for parents who have been married to a sociopath or narcissist is how to prevent their child following that pattern of manipulative behavior. How does the healthy parent keep their child from becoming like the psychologically dangerous parent?

1. Teaching their child EMPATHY

2. Exposing the manipulative parents lies

So how do you go about teaching empathy? 

Studies have shown that children who read have a higher chance of being empathetic. When children read stories about people, they can put themselves in the various characters experiences, leading them to feel what they are going through.

There are many books for kids that can open the dialogue about kindness and empathy toward others. Some I have posted as regular recommended reading on the blog. Due to constraints on room available below are additional books that may help. Recently I was going through some of my own books when I was growing up and rediscovered many well loved books I had forgotten about. Here are some that may make your list to buy…

The Journey of Natty Gann 

Number The Stars

Charlotte's Web

The Face On The Milk Carton 

The Diary Of Anne Frank

The Joy Luck Club

Ramona The Pest 

To Kill A Mockingbird 

The True Confessions Of Charlotte Doyle

Rosa Parks: My Story 

As parents we have several ways we can teach empathy 

alongside encouraging our children to read...

3 Ways To Teach Children Empathy…  

1. Realize that your child is his or her own little person. They may be small but they are already an individual, growing, changing each and every day. It's our role as parents to encourage our children to think for themselves, to model excellent behavior through our actions… even when it's challenging and were maxed out, were also there to encourage learning, self control, nice manners and good values. Other aspects we may include are faith and helping others. The biggest take away from this is communication. We have to talk with our kids. When we have conversations and ask "How did that make you feel?" it gets them thinking… it gets them thinking outside themselves when we ask "How do you think that made Caitlyn feel when Olivia was mean to her?"

2. Point out what your child has in common with others. So often in life our differences seem to be highlighted… maybe without intention but unfortunately it leads to limited thinking, hardened hearts, divided families and closed communities. This has a trickle down effect in our society and affects everyone eventually in a negative manner. Pointing out commonalties amongst people helps bridge that gap… when kids realize that everybody has feelings no matter if their black, white, or in between it stirs up love not apathy or hate.

3. Sharing the thankful mindset with our kids. Our children look to us for cues on how to behave. When were standing in a long line at Target and we begin to sigh, tap our foot and grumble it's teaching them "I don't have time for this", "I shouldn't have to wait"… etc. This is a time that someone who is confined to a wheelchair would love to have to wait on two strong legs. This is a time when someone who is housebound would love the opportunity to get out. This is a time to be thankful we are out, we are independent, we are beyond blessed to have the funds to stand in a line and make purchases. It's a time to teach perspective to our kids.

December 2, 2014 

names have been omitted in this post

*******************

Exposing The Manipulative Lies… 


I sat in the bright school cafeteria beside my daughter… the noise of the children created a din around us so we sat close to be able to hear each other. We were seated at a long table off to the side of the room. I watched as my daughter unzipped her hot pink trimmed leopard lunch bag from Old Navy and reach inside. As she pulled out a turkey sandwich, Lay's chips and Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers that her dad had packed for her to eat, my eyes surveyed the contents. There appeared to be zero fruit in the lunch. My eyebrows arched a second time when I saw the two smallest items… Hershey candy bars, one of which contained nuts.

image owned by gps grace power strength 

I pointed out why she couldn't consume them, reminded her how it's essential to always check labels and quickly confiscated the chocolate due to her nut allergy… mental expletives ran through my head about her father's incompetence and blatant disregard for her health and safety.


She began telling me of the previous nights events and I listened with close ears.

"Daddy put us to bed early, he was wearing his pajamas… but just to make us THINK he was going to bed. He changed into clothes later. It was late, I don't know what time but he let a lady in the house through the garage… I heard it open. Then he took her upstairs to his bedroom. I couldn't sleep. They were making so much noise… so the next morning I asked Daddy if anyone was there last night. And he said no. So I tell him I heard somebody and he says it was the neighbors getting home." she explained to me.

I listened carefully to her, nodding and affirming I was hearing what she told me and finally I reached into my navy handbag… fishing around for my iPhone... pulling it out, I tapped the code into it and accessed my photos. Pulling up the one I needed I set it on the cafeteria lunch table for her to view.

She looked down at it and gasped... "That's a photo of Daddy's house. Why is there a car in the driveway?"

"That Lexus is from last night. That belongs to the lady that came. When you started texting me last night upset about all the noise, I drove over and took a picture of it. And yet he told you no one was there, correct?" I affirmed.

"Yes, he lied! He lied to me! Again!" she exclaimed with indignation.

*****************

Exposing the lies of the parent who is lying, manipulating and orchestrating chaos in their children's lives is essential. It's essential we have concrete proof, we have facts of what our ex is doing to create havoc in our child's life because a parent who is continually placing their child in an unsafe environment; one that is causing anxiety and stress should have limited, supervised or in extreme cases zero time with them. It is critical to document everything the manipulative parent does to protect our children...

Because at the end of the day… they are counting on us. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts:

Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/fifty-fifty.html

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Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html