Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord

“Man Holding A Rose” by phaendin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

November 2015 

this post contains some language 

*****************

I sat curled up on the opposite end of the taupe couch from my mother wearing gray lounge pants, a dark navy pullover, a thick scarf around my neck and hair in a bun atop my head. It was the week of Thanksgiving… my daughter was at her dad's and we were enjoying some down time, specifically some girl time watching marathons of Julia Robert's movies, making hot cocoa and enjoying hot soup. The temps in Texas had dipped to the forties at night and with the northern wind it had brought rain along with it. I listened to the rain coming down outside, the television flashing commercials across the room from me and my mother spoke, picking up from a conversation interrupted by our show earlier.

"I mean… I just don't understand something… how is it that I was married to your father for almost forty years and yet somehow… I don't even know how this is possible…" She admitted ruefully. "But generally speaking, mind you, how can you have a much, much lower opinion of men than I even do?" She asked, looking at me dumbfounded.

Silence.

"I don't know…" I finally replied. "Do I?" I asked her.

She stared at me like I had to be kidding… "What's the first thing you think to yourself when a man looks at you like he's interested?" She asked me. "I mean, honestly."

I didn't miss a beat. "Typically I think shit off." I replied bluntly. 

She stared at me. "You have a problem." She declared. "What are you going to do about it?" She pressed.

I laughed uncomfortably and shifted on the couch, my arms crossed, my body language closed off. "I have a problem?" I echoed. "Really?"

"Yeah. Men smile and talk to me all the time. I just have a conversation with them. And they just smile…" She trailed off catching my expression.

I shrugged in response. I thought back to a conversation I'd had with the guy I'd recently dated. We had been in the car one day and he asked me in an amused tone "So… do you think I'm a sociopath?" I had reflexively gripped the leather steering wheel tighter and glanced over at him. He stared at me with a piercing gaze waiting for a response. "At this point I assume anyone is." I replied cooly. I remembered a Dr. Phil video I'd watched where he'd talked about how we are crazy to ever give people the benefit of the doubt. He said instead we need to gather information about everyone we meet before we hand over our hearts, trust, etc. Everyone is suspect until they've proved their not.

"Yeah. You have a problem." She told me adamantly. "I mean, how do you think you're ever going to meet someone? You don't go anywhere! You work, you run errands, you come home. You meet friends for a meal or fun. That's it. And most of them are married or don't know anyone to introduce you to. When are you going to get out there? When are you going to start putting yourself out there so you can meet someone? Do you think he's just going to show up and knock on your door?" She asked me incredulously.

"That'd be way easier." I replied dryly not finding the conversation enjoyable at all. Wasn't there something I needed to be doing right now? Like re-organizing all the closets or scrubbing bathroom grout with a toothbrush? Something that took an eternity to complete? 

She sighed, her exasperation showing.

"What?" I asked her, my question coming out with an uncomfortable half laugh. I looked over at her. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." I told her wanting to end the conversation.

"You don't want to talk about it anymore because you know I'm right, that's why!" She insisted.

I wrinkled my nose. "No" I replied. "I just don't see why you're bringing this up. What is all this about, anyway?" I asked and got up to retrieve some extra paper napkins from the kitchen nearby.

She sighed "Okay. I just wish you'd be honest and admit you'd rather be comfortable. You'd rather not get out of your comfort zone to meet someone." She told me. Then in the silence she finally asked "What is it that you're so afraid of?" 

I didn't respond. What was this? A therapy session? I swallowed hard and fiddled with the now fraying edge of my white paper napkin. A cup of broccoli cheese soup sat on the coffee table growing cold.

She had hit a nerve and now another one. I sat silent absorbing everything she'd said. Thankfully the show returned to the screen and my time in the hot seat had come to an end.

But I kept thinking on what she said… mulling it over in my mind. Finally, even though I didn't want to admit it, I realized she was right. Mom's or those closet to us like friends are good that way. They will tell us the very painful and not so pretty things we need to hear… truths that maybe we don't want to hear but in reality ring loud and clear. Maybe one contributing factor was being an introvert, I admitted. Perhaps another factor no matter how cliche; I was tired of being disappointed and didn't want to find myself hitched to yet another psycho.

"The human condition is imperfect and when we realize we will endure hurts that affect our outlook in life we can give ourselves compassion and begin to grow beyond where we currently are. 

Diminishing how we feel makes us stuck. 

Accepting how we feel makes us stronger."

- Jennifer Gafford 

At this point I wasn't certain if all men were needy or it was just a glaring sign of the dysfunctional men I'd been with. The man I'd married and then the man I had recently dated had pushed for much more interaction via text and phone than what I'd wanted nor believed to be normal. I wasn't certain what was considered healthy in terms of the amount of interaction one would or should have during a typical day with someone their dating. However, based on what I'd experienced; the constant over the top staying in touch only served to drive me away. It made me believe all men were needy, insecure, what have you and that was enough to make me say just forget it. 

But just when we begin to subscribe to a "Oh, just forget it!" type attitude… someone comes along that changes our mind… that makes us pause… that convicts us, that makes us freeze… they are saying all the things that touch our heart because they make our eyes wet in response. So I'm going to share with you what I was told today: 

"I want you to know it gets better. It will. Don't give up, don't throw in the towel, don't let your heart become hardened. There is someone out there. You're going to meet someone and it will be great. It's going to be okay." 

In my last (very short) relationship I saw early signs of dysfunction (thank the good Lord) before I cut the cord. Here are five things I observed... 

1. FLATTERY 
If he's texting you incessantly with over the top flattery and gushes of love: "I love you so much and always will", "I wish I'd met you when we were younger, I'd love for you to have my children", "I believe we are soul mates, we were designed for one another", "You're all I think about and I want to be around you all the time", "You're so amazing and I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth." He's "love-bombing" you. This is a classic tactic of narcissists and sociopaths. They love to show how much they adore you via words but sadly the actions very often do not match up... at least not for the long haul. 

2. INSECURITY
He shows his insecurity by saying things like: "I don't deserve someone like you", "I never thought I could get someone so beautiful, talented, kind as you". What he's not telling you is this: Deep down I really hate and resent you for it too... because you're such a reminder of my inadequacies. The flip side of a man saying: "I never thought I could get someone like you" is after they say it enough you begin to wonder: So WHY am I with you?? Because even YOU think I could do better! So I guess I should. The truth is... insecurity is never attractive. Cockiness isn't either. Finding someone who has a healthy amount of confidence is key. 

3. CONTROL 
You go to his house and you're wearing the watch you picked out and bought when you were married...  and the necklace your ex bought you (the necklace you still love). He looks at what you're wearing and says "And... you wore that here." He promptly buys you a new watch. Excuse me? I can wear whatever I choose. His behavior shows control and insecurity. 

4. PRESSURE
He begins pressuring you about a ring and getting married. He's looking at rings and talking about having something custom made when you've asked him several times to put the brakes on because he's moving too fast. And yet... he ignores your request and continues. 

5. DISRESPECT
He's disrespectful of your time and selfish. You tell him you're going to be busy that evening because you have plans. And yet he texts you incessantly the entire evening wanting to engage in a all night text-a-thon. He doesn't respect your boundaries and puts his needs ahead of your much needed time with others.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

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Fasting and praying for a mate involves not only commitment to God, but also confidence in God. Abraham was telling his servant that the Lord who promised his descendants would inherit the land would also provide the descendants. Our second principle then introduces faith in divine guidance. This faith was not some nebulous faith, but an expressed faith. It was a faith that inspires us to follow.

We can expect God to intervene in our situations because He will honor our commitment and give us contentment while we are waiting. Abraham’s servant got up and got going. Faith is not passive. It steps out on the promises of God.   Read more via… Tony Evans

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

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Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

10 Signs You Are A Narcissistic Sociopath

10 Signs You Are A Narcissistic Sociopath: 


1. Your partner must be what you want… whether it be appearance, personality, wants and desires, etc. (Your partner has voiced that they feel you are always wanting to change them and they cannot please you.)

2. Your partner must be available when you want and or need them and not bother you when you have no need or desire for their presence.

3. Your partner must have no "problems"… no anxieties, no phobias, no weaknesses, no demands, no requests, no health conditions that require resources of yours like time, energy, attention and money. When your partner does have something you feel extremely irritated and put out by their "flaws".

4. Your partner must look good on your arm, like a trophy of sorts he or she must always look polished and "perfect" for you to be attracted to them. (Your partner spends an inordinate amount of time on their appearance to look nice for you yet you then berate them for the time taken.)

5. Your partner must not ever change… not ever age, have wrinkles, have stretch marks, scars, lose and or gain weight, etc. (When your partner changes in any way you find yourself not attracted to he or she and begin to loathe them. They better get their act together or they are out.)

6. Your partner must not do anything that takes time and attention away from you like hobbies, a career, social activities, etc. (Your partner says you're controlling, that they feel isolated and they feel "hooked at the hip" with you. Your partner fails to be your "everything".)

7. Your partner must be willing to accept any and all responsibility for the issues in the relationship… because if they would just "work harder" at pleasing you, being perfect, the relationship would improve. (Your partner has tried over and over again to verbalize the issues in the relationship, your partner suffers from anxiety, stress, depression and or unexplainable illnesses.)

8. Your partner must be happy to give you what you want when you want it… like a bank account if you are making deposits, (gifts; flowers, chocolates, meals, trips, spending allowance, etc) you better be getting a return… and it better be worth what you've paid out. (Your partner has voiced time and again that they feel the relationship is like a business (deals made) instead of based on love, mutual respect and equality.)

9. Your partner must be willing to let you be completely in control, to make all the decisions. You find your partner continually coming "against you" regarding issues like child rearing, home decor, where to live, remodeling decisions, in-law issues/visits, holiday celebrations, educational, psychological and discipline decisions for the children, etc.

10. Your partner must be willing to put up with or turn the other cheek to less than desirable behaviors by you like lying, (what you call harmless little white lies) cheating and criminal-like behaviors such as tax-evasion, fraud, etc. (Your partner continually catches you in lies and or protests your ill behavior.)

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2015

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Common Phrases Spoken By (and signs of) A Narcissistic Sociopath 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/common-phrases-spoken-by-and-signs-of.html

"Because You're Old Enough To Be My Dad" Older Men & Younger Women 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/you-old-enough-to-be-my-dad-older-men.html

An Open Letter To Husbands - Love, Your Wife 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/an-open-letter-to-husbands-love-your.html

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

December 2014 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

I sat with my daughter at her appointment waiting our turn while my son was seeing the therapist. At the end of the tiny cream painted room with dark wide planked wood floors we sat in black cushioned chairs. I watched as she rolled model magic between her small hands. I think model magic has become the new play-doh… as I watched her roll the clay-like substance I ask her what she's planning to make. In the background I hear the front door open and with it the windy cold night air sweeps in. I glance up to see someone new enter… it's a woman, possibly older than myself with long dark hair pulled back in a pony tail wearing a London Fog trench style jacket tied at her waist. She acknowledges my ex sitting at the other end of the room and nods at him, gesturing to the seat beside him if it's available or taken. He gestures for her to take it and from the smiles exchanged I can see this isn't their first interaction… they've met and chatted before. Keeping an ear and eye out for their exchanges in the tiny space while talking to my daughter I was curious as to how he would engage her… if wasn't the question but how. Sure enough, he asked her where her children were and she responded… as they chatted about work and he claiming to be the CEO of the company he actually co-started with someone else… internally I marveled to myself at the scenario… how adept he was at noticing things about her and pointing them out, how he was able to build the conversation and draw more out of her as she chatted, linking commonalities between them. He gave away very little and what he did only served to create the image he desired. It was eerily like watching myself with him in what felt like a million years ago when we first met.


10 Signs You Are Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath: 

1. Very Charming: He/She is able to draw you in unlike anyone else, it's like their magnetic. They seem to know exactly what to ask to keep the momentum of the conversation going and draw more and more out of you. They tell you that you look amazing no matter what, over and over you hear how handsome or beautiful you are. They gush about how no one else makes them feel like this… you sense a rush, a high of sorts.

2. Superficial + Shallow: There is little depth… as far as personality goes there is little to learn, there is a shallowness that just keeps you going in circles not deeper… they can talk much about nearly nothing. You find yourself giving away much more than they are.

3. Huge Ego: Their ego is a mile long and wide… they brag about whatever is going to make them look good to their newest target… usually they have multiple targets at once. They brag about where they've traveled, what they've tried (adventure; zip lining, eating locust, etc) they brag about their career and the strides they've made with it, they brag about their vehicle, where they live, etc. When you finish hearing of their accomplishments you can't help but admire them.

4. Takes Zero Responsibility: They got divorced because there were "some issues". Or they state "my ex filed." What they fail to tell you is that they cheated on their ex the majority of the marriage, they committed or attempted to commit fraudulent crimes in relation to taxes, relatives, etc. Also that they were crazy, i.e.; gaslighted, projected, were abusive and manipulative.

5. Togetherness: They want to be together all the time, they are crazy about you and want to spend every waking minute with you. They pressure you to get married soon or at the least move in together.

6. Lies, Lies, Lies: They lie all the time, it's pathological, they lie about the stupidest things too… like if they like mango… they will say they do when they don't and vice versa… you never really fully know them nor can you trust them. If you confront him/her about the lies he/she will either lie more and or twist things, change the subject, project; blame you, or gas-light you.

7. Sex Addict: You can never have enough sex with them, they are like non-stop energizer-like bunnies; a high and insatiable need for sex… they cheat, are addicted to porn, engage in risky sex.

8. User: They use people… they mooch off others. Even if they have their act together and are actually successful in life they think nothing of using others whether it be for meals, for gifts, for anything… they think the person helping them is stupid, they aren't thankful or grateful for the help. They also believe themselves to be incredibly clever that they were able to fool someone as they don't feel guilt or remorse for it.

9. Image Seeking: They crave a perfect image on the outside… they keep up with the neighbors, they are anal about a clean vehicle, clean house, maybe even their clothes… they have the art of perfecting an outward image to others down pat. How they appear to others in the community is much more important to them than what goes on behind closed doors.

10. You're Soul Mates: They make you believe that you have much more in common with them over others. They have studied you, they know what coffee to drink because you drink it too. They are adept at remembering small details you've spilled so they can build on it by asking the right questions and drawing you in. You are their prey and they've decided they want to keep you… for awhile at least… until the next soul mate they've "fallen in love with" comes along.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation/Abuse

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation:

1. Your child's cell phone always goes to voicemail now.
2. Your cell number is now removed from your child's "favorites" or deleted completely.
3. Your texts to your child have no response; you've been blocked.
4. One parent not including the other's contact info in the school directory.
5. One parent not including the other parents info on the emergency contact form at school.
6. One parent saying "Daddy/Mommy has all my money due to the child support I pay."
7. A parent allowing their child to speak hatefully to the other parent in person/ on the phone.
8. Scheduling activities for the children without consulting the other parent.
9. Playing favorites over one child; one child gets a tutor, soccer, cotillion, etc and the other child receives nothing.
10. A parent having "private talks" with one child and the other child/children excluded.
11. Ignoring the "Right of 1st Refusal" in the decree/ not contacting the other parent to spend time with the child… instead, enlisting a babysitter, family member or intimate partner to watch the child.
12. A parent stating to the child that because the other parent filed for divorce it's their fault the marriage ended.
13. Removing photographs of the other parent from their children's room/possession.
14. Not informing the other parent of their child's school plays, field trips, Open House, field day, picture day, soccer games, swimming lessons, parent/teacher conferences, etc.
15. Chronically not answering the phone when the other parent calls to speak with the child.
16. Sabotaging one parents visits to see the children.
17. The child is afraid of you for no valid reason. They say they "don't feel safe with you", or "can't trust you."
18. Your relationship with your child deteriorates; it goes from close and loving to hateful and eventually non-existent.
19. The other parent over buys for the children creating a world of tempting excessive materialism that you could never or would never choose to provide.
20. A child's hatred suddenly extends to the rest of the parent's family; grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc.
21. A child erroneously believes he/she is making the choice to cut ties with their parent but in reality it is the other parent who is using them like a puppet on strings.
22. The child refuses to spend any time with the other parent; even meeting for dinner, etc.
23. One parent tells the child that the other parent has "rules at their house unlike his/hers".
24. A child's viewpoint is black/white and see the alienating parent as a "hero", "all good guy/gal" and the other parent as the total bad one… no gray area or in between.
25. Your child now lies like your ex about anything and everything.
26. One parent makes poor choices that aren't in the best interests of the children; hiring a babysitter that has a baby so the attention is on it not the children, sneaking in men/women into the house for sex with the children present, not using car/booster seats, leaving young children home alone or those with special needs, drinking & driving, etc.
27. Therapy for the child isn't proving to be helpful in a reconnection with the alienated parent.
28. One child continues to report that their sibling is being manipulated by one parent.
29. Overhearing a parents plans with the child; dinner, movie, water park, etc and immediately takes them to do those activities as a ruse to "win points" as the more fun parent.
30. One parent telling the child "when you are 12, 16, etc you can decide whose house you want to live at." ...giving a child too much power and/or asking them to choose one of you over the other.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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30 Signs: He's Not The One

30 Signs He Is Not The One: 

1. He's on a hook-up site not a dating site.

2. He professes that he wants a classy woman on his dating profile then upon checking out his photos you see him wrapped around two scantily clad women. Delete.

3. He seems to go MIA. One day you're receiving texts that make you smile and reply back. Then poof! He's gone and you get zero explanation… you're left wondering how many others he's done this to. Move on.

4. He only sees you at places like your condo or his house. He doesn't take you out in public.

5. He doesn't introduce you to his friends or family.

6. You catch him checking out other women.

7. He's on the fence. He can't decide what he wants including you. Make that choice for him.

8. Mixed signals… one minute he seems interested. Then not so much. A man who is truly interested in you and developing feelings for you pursues, period. He doesn't waffle.

9. He's critical of you. Some teasing is fine… but if it's mean spirited, if you're not laughing as well… if it's picking at your appearance… show him the door.

10. He's not straight with you. He refuses to talk about his past. He's hiding something.

11. You're not sure if he likes you. Again… he's on the fence, his actions are inconsistent. You should feel secure from the get go.

12. How does he handle stress? Does he freak out? A lot? Do you see signs of instability?

13. When he says he's going to do something does he do it? If he's going to pursue a goal or dream is he taking the steps necessary to make it come to fruition?

14. You go to him with a concern and he shuts you down. Stonewalling is not communicating, it's a control tactic.

15. He sets a standard for you yet… that he isn't willing to do for himself or for you. He expects happy to be smeared on your face, he expects you to exercise and eat healthy, he expects you to go see that awful guy movie you both know you'll hate. He doesn't exercise, he gorges on junk food and refuses to see that new chick flick you want to see. It's time to say adios.

16. He expects sex and you don't believe in it before marriage. This isn't something that can be compromised on. Stick to what you believe God wants for you.

17. He only has bad things to say about his exes. This can be tricky. If someone only has one ex… or just two exes… let's face it… they haven't dated much. But beyond that… if everyone on their list is described as "crazy" or a "you know what"… then the common denominator is him. Maybe he treated them so terribly they began to act a little coo-koo… or maybe he has terrible skills at choosing healthy partners. It may take some digging to figure out what the story is.

18. He treats wait staff terribly. He's short with them, he ignores them, he tips bad or doesn't at all… he's demanding or demeaning… one day he will treat you just like that, guaranteed.

19. He won't admit when he's wrong. Admitting he's wrong or was hurtful means immediately acknowledging so and not having someone have to point it out or convince them.

20. There's little to no appreciation shown for what you've done. You baked him a homemade meal for him, you took him out to dinner for his birthday, you bought him tickets to that game he wants to go to… yet he says little to nothing.

21. He's quick to anger… he blows up, he instigates road rage, he is moody, he uses intimidation tactics like throwing things or punching walls or furniture to shut you down… he's hit you or pushed you… verbal abuse, emotional abuse… he won't take no for an answer… all red signs you need to cut all communication and move on quick.

22. There appears to be inflexibility on his part. It's his way or the highway whether it's where you go on vacation, where to eat, etc… it's fine to bend… but not bend over. If life is always his way… if you have to give and give and give… and you get nothing in return… that screams of imbalance and it's time to move on.

23. He doesn't get along with his family. This, like the exes can be tricky ground as well. It may very well be the case that his family has a few unhealthy nut jobs… so how do you know if they truly are toxic for him to be around or if the issue really lies with him? It may take some time to wade through… keep your peepers peeped and your ears tuned to anything that causes your eyebrows to raise.

24. You feel smothered and you need some fresh air. It may be that he is around too much… that his texting is incessant and his calls are making you want to hit ignore and wait just a second… is that his car that just circled your block? This smacks of control and a dose of crazy. Restraining order, please.

25. You find your friends being continually put on the back burner, your sister is ticked, your exercise routine is out the window and suddenly your mom no longer gets calls… he monopolizes all your time and you need balance. It's time to have a talk and if that doesn't fix it it's time to take your life back.

26. Everything is a deal to be made. He bought you dinner and now expects some action. Um, no. Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree and send that dog home.

27. You want a Saturday night in to scrapbook, watch t.v. and have a glass of wine in your pj's. Or maybe you really enjoy going to quilt shows or gardening. He makes fun of you and puts you down for it. Not cool.

28. He gaslights you. He tells you that you look terrible then denies it. You find yourself questioning reality… it's not you, it's him and his crazy hanging out. Run like the wind.

29. There is a cheapness that runs deep in his pocket and he refuses to break that bank open. It won't get better… he will get worse.

30. He's chained to Mama and it doesn't appear that the umbilical cord is going to be cut anytime soon. Run. He will not change… he will not cleave to you… he is so immeshed in her bosom you won't be able to find him. She can have him.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

Bonus! 

Any behaviors that we see when 

dating will typically become ingrained and worsen over time… 

so whatever is irking you

 now will be magnified a zillion 

times down the road. 

This post can also be reversed as signs "she" is not the one for guys. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

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Sex And The Narcissistic Male

Let's talk about sex….

and the Narcissistic Male. 


Sex is everywhere it seems… in the media, music, movies and advertising. In our modern world today we are bombarded daily with the subtle whisper of sensuality to the other extreme... an in your face, can't be missed type campaign.

It goes without saying that an addictive desire for sex holds great dominance in a narcissist's life…

and obviously enough 

the sex is self-focused at that. 

Sex is by definition supposed to be about two people coming together, focused on each other, making love, giving each other satisfaction and showing how much they care for one another. Each gives the other pleasure, affirming their deep love for another.

Naturally that would be expected of two healthy people joined in love before God. But what about when one of those people is of a narcissistic nature? Is it even possible to have a healthy intimate marriage? Unfortunately, the disappointing answer to that question is no.

When it comes to love making in a marriage just coming together in the physical sense isn't enough… there is an entire part of the equation that involves emotional intimacy, a spiritual connection in two becoming one.

When it comes to a narcissist's "love making" it's really about them making love to themselves. You are a tool, a means for them to reach their destination but essentially it comes down to them merely masturbating... yet their using your body along the super highway to ecstasy… after it's reached, the grand finale has passed...  you lie there wondering why you feel like you were forgotten somewhere along the road some time back. It feels empty, like you could be just anyone, as if you are just a shell of a human they need to perform their self-fulfilling pleasure and then you're discarded afterward.

This is no way to live… 

to live a life that as we all know is undeniably fleeting.

 God gave us sex to be enjoyed within the parameters of marriage and that enjoyment should be mutual not one sided. 

A narcissist's view of sex within a marriage holds a limited, selfish and stunted one. My own outlook was already affected by a past trauma (rape) before I married. This is common for anyone who has had a traumatic experience... for their view of sex to perhaps be affected. Naturally needing someone healthy more than anything, someone who was a soft place, a place of understanding, a place that included respect and who knew that sex didn't include strings, deals, bargaining, guilt trips, or shaming… it unfortunately screamed of the latter. It made me hate sex. But now… with time I've realized that's not really true… we may come to believe we hate something… but later over time and hindsight look back and the truth hits us… we don't hate it at all. We hate what it did to us. We hate the way it made us feel. Cheap, used, like nothing but a blow up doll… like we could have been anyone. We realize now more than ever that what we had in our marriage wasn't healthy and that's why we medicated with a pint of ice cream, that's why we became defensive, that's why we felt like just going through the motions to get it over with already… why if we made an innocent but revealing comment to a friend that "I'd rather have a slice of cake than have sex" we'd feel their eyes on us… we instinctively knew by the glance they gave us with a furrowed brow that something just. isn't. right. That deep down we should want to be desired by our husband and want him as well. We begin to realize that we are on a dry island all alone… devoid of intimacy and even though we crave it… we just can't seem to grasp it with who were married to.

It's one thing to occasionally not feel up to sex... sometimes we truly feel exhausted, we really do have a splitting migraine or were sick. But if we always find ourselves trying to get out of it... it's time to face some serious questions:

How does our spouse make us feel about sex? 

Do we feel it's expected out of "duty" or obligation? 

Do we feel shamed or pressured? 

When it comes to sex a narcissist goes straight to the main event… foreplay is a waste of time… and when it comes to pleasing you… likely you will be met with grumbles of "it takes too long…" and his gratification usually if not always comes first. He may withhold any pleasure for you. Your body is not your own, it belongs to him and him alone… remember when OJ Simpson grabbed Nicole's crotch and was quoted saying "This is where babies come from and this belongs to me"? The Narcisstic male objectifies you… and it slowly chips away at you bit by bit. The flip side is you always feel indebted… as if you always owe him between the sheets. Because he's vocal of what he's done for you… how much he works, how hard he has it, how you don't appreciate anything he does (yet you actively vocalize your appreciation all the time) and shames you into having sex because he's done "x,y,z" for you. Before long… you wish he'd do nothing for you… because you don't want your tab to continue running sky high… you're exhausted, you're spent and you look in the mirror wondering why you feel so drained physically and mentally yet he's like the energizer bunny who never gets a full fix… who keeps going and going.

Narcissists Are Addicted To Sex

Narcissist's are addicted to sex… their desire is never quenched…. they have an insatiable appetite that must be fed. They are known for cheating… for having affairs, for having sex with prostitutes, taking risks and living a life filled with lies, deceit and never really showing their hand. It's ironic that he has all the control over your body, your desires, your pleasure yet he also chooses what to do behind your back. He makes the rules, be assured that he believes he owns you and yet despite any and all protestations on your part he doesn't care or listen… your needs and feelings fall on deaf ears.


One of the most important aspects of intimacy in marriage is sex… it's important for a man, as it's how he is wired… the affirmation of love is wrapped up in sex. A man pursues romancing a woman out of a passionate affection for her. A woman wants to feel emotionally safe and loved by him, her love affirmed for him with sex. There has to be mutual respect for one another… respect is essential for healthy sex between a couple... for one person to not feel merely as a pawn.


When we truly love someone we want to nurture them, we want to have empathy toward them so we can love them better, deeper over time… marriage is supposed to be a safety net for couples, a place where unconditional love abounds… where we know and love one another on the deepest level humans can possibly have.


That is God's design… 

It's beautiful and should be fed…

to be allowed to shine…

not dirtied with everything love isn't.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

this was an important post to write,
 as I believe many are suffering behind closed doors 
not knowing that there can be peace after being 
married to someone of a narcissistic nature. 
You don't have to suffer, you are not alone, 
God sees your pain and loves you unconditionally. 

you can heal... 

God is a healer of hurts

Related Posts: 

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/when-marriage-equals-prostitution.html

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Romantic Ideas + Your Spouse = Shining Love

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/romantic-ideas-your-spouse-shining-love.html

The Non-Compassionate Parent & Their Agenda Of Evil

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

Love. 

Love brings us closer, it bridges two sides, it closes a gap, love involves truth, it's doing the right thing… putting aside self and selfishness and not having an agenda… instead, love is free... giving without expectation and without "deals" or keeping records. Love does not delight in evil… it does not delight in hurt, in threats or abuse of any kind, in division, in excluding, or alienation. Instead, love rejoices... it lives truth, it exudes purposeful compromise, it fosters a true desire in loving those around us. 

A parent who alienates his children is living in sin… he (or she) is focused on a self-driven, self-focused agenda, a plan of personal gain, in hurting others… versus living a life of walking in love… where he should be focusing on doing what is good and honorable; facilitating a relationship between his children and the other parent... instead he chooses to walk the path of darkness, of evil and do what is displeasing to God… to cause rift, to cause hurt, to cause agony and sorrow for others. When they willfully continue down the path of familial destruction we may question if they have truly accepted Christ as their Savior. If they continue to sin after others have pointed out the ruination they have orchestrated… maybe that they themselves even deep down realize… are they truly sorry for their sinful actions? Being a Christian is having a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ… it's being transformed… it's a desire of wanting to be transformed. And when we look to Christ for help… when we slowly see sin falling away in our life… when we want it to… when we feel deeply convicted each time we sin again, realizing we will be miserable until we repent… eventually we will make changes… we will see that we never want to go back to our old ways… that there was zero value in the old sinful ways we lived. 

If a parent is continuing to engineer parental alienation… one day their evil schemes will be revealed… slowly but surely it will come to light what they are doing… all areas of their life where sin resides will be revealed either by their own doing or others… maybe it already is… maybe you've heard through the grapevine… maybe you've heard things that he (or she) has done… perhaps you're hearing that others are finally noticing that the image of himself he wants to project to others is failing… the mask has slipped here and there behind closed doors… that the facade of who he wants you to believe he is doesn't match up with who's really there. One day… many will stand before Him who call Him Lord and the Lord will say:

Then I will tell them plainly, 

"I never knew you. 

Get away from me, 

you who practice evil!" 

International Standard Version

Matthew 7:23

The alienating parent is on the expressway to hell… 

A parent who disciplines his or her child truly loves their child… they know the value and importance of teaching their child right and wrong… the golden rule…  God's word. They know they are their child's first teacher and don't take that blessing or responsibility lightly. They know they are to enjoy their children, to nurture them, hug them, love them, yet in that love is teaching… teaching God's ways,  not the ways of the world with all it's promoting of self, image, glossy materialism, manipulation, and greed. They know that to spoil a child is to create a monster… to spare the rod is to do nothing but enable a child, to give power to someone who doesn't yet understand it, won't use it for good but for evil, and certainly won't grow to live a humble nature. Instead, sparing the rod and spoiling the child leads to a child becoming like the stunted adults in his or her life… demanding, screaming, belligerent, disrespectful, whiny, self-centered, greedy, manipulative, hostile, hateful and living in sin... blind to what's been created within them, blind to who they could be, blind to what's been done to them… blind to God and ensconced in a world of wretched disarray. 

what these children may not know is they have another parent that loves them very much… that truly loves them… that has a heart breaking at what is becoming of their child… that is not proud of who their child has become; at the hands of the evil one… and that they pray daily for intervention, for help that something will give… that someone will step in and reveal the parent for what they are, for what they've done. 

It's the inability for a parent to show his (or her) child compassion that is the hallmark trait of a manipulative alienating parent. When my daughter recently burst into tears over the fact she was not served dinner by her father because he was upstairs talking to his best friend on the phone all evening… when she found herself scrounging in the pantry like a desperate little forgotten animal of the night for something to eat because she's not old enough to operate an oven or stovetop herself…  the microwave being beyond her young grasp… it brought me to tears… when she admitted through sobs that her dinner that night consisted of Cheez-it's and cookies in her bed all alone… the mental picture of her sitting alone, feeling rejected, not cared for and lacking a basic need made me hurt deeply for her. Images of my hours spent in that kitchen at one time not but a few feet from her room flashed through my mind… remembering the many home-cooked meals I had lovingly prepared for her and her brother showed a stark contrast to her reality now. It could be argued all homes are different and that's true… and yet let the truth shine bright that reality is this: 

there is a vast difference 

between "different" 

and neglect… 

which is what her night 

was a reflection of 

So, parents… I tell you this… keep documenting, keep revealing what's being done… keep showing the truth… keep going, keep pressing on… and when you're bone tired and think to yourself:

 "I cannot keep going. I am spent." 

Look upward. 

Look upward to Heaven. 

Let the tears fall.

Let your need call out to Him. 

Let Him know you need Him. 

You don't have to do it all. 

Lean on Him. 

He is there. 

He loves you. 

And your child. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

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