The Narcissistic Sociopath: They Are Only Trying To Help You

September 2012

names have been omitted in this post

this post contains language 

****************

Sitting in shorts and a t-shirt atop the king-sized bed with it's pretty embroidered Cynthia Rowley duvet, I surveyed the large oversized tray... double checking we had extra napkins and we each had a fork. It was a warm September night and the ceiling fan barely made it's circular presence overhead on it's lowest setting. I rose to cross the cream Berber carpet, my coral polished toes a fading summer pop of color… popping my head out the bedroom doorway, I called to him that I had everything we needed for dinner. Across the room the cream drapes were pulled open to reveal the night sky... the moon smiled over the water, the ripples glistening from it's light shining down. We were having a late dinner; he had gone to fetch what was nearby, quick and our usual go-to…. Jason's Deli for two… oversized baked potatoes with all the toppings. He soon joined me and as sat there I poked my potato with my fork, taking a few bites. Then he asked how my day was.

That question asked by him gave me anxiety. 

It was like a test. Would I pass it? 

Usually not. 

It led to ways he felt I could "improve" myself. 

It was also one-sided. 

It nearly always led to a fight. 

I had reached the point I wished he wouldn't even ask. 

He also expected a response that was chipper, beyond upbeat and anything that wasn't like someone flipped out on rapturous ecstatic joy meant being grilled to death about what was wrong and then despite any and all protestations on my part of "Nothing is wrong!" -- because nothing was wrong. 

This conversation of how did my day go always seemed to turn into the equivalent of a game show called "Let's figure out how we can 'fix' Jennifer… because she needs lot's of that. She's not perfect but with some kinks worked out here and there I'm sure I can get her where she needs to be and finally I'll be happy with her."


That was his philosophy.
It hurt. It was exhausting. 

And yet it continued no matter how much I waffled between protesting or yes, most of the time tried and tried some more in classic co-dependent fashion to please him and protect the relationship above all else.

That night it would get worse.

I had been diagnosed that spring (April/May-ish) with ADHD. Finally, we, well, I had some answers, thank goodness. I finally now knew what had plagued me since childhood. I was so grateful, so relieved to now know what the issue was and had been taking Vyvanse, a stimulant medication to help with symptoms. The Vyvanse had brought me such wonderful results, I was much less distracted and accomplished much more but I had also unfortunately lost weight faster than you could scarf a carb-laden meal to make up for it. It had become alarming the amount of weight I had dropped in just a few short months so in August I began slowly weaning off the stimulant and trying to re-gain some weight. I felt pulled in two directions… I was really frustrated; I needed the medication for my ADHD symptoms but I also wasn't willing to put my physical health at risk by losing too much weight just to do that. I felt like I was in a no-win situation at that point. Something had to give. So I opted for stopping the Vyvanse. After I gained some weight back I would look at my other options regarding medication. My doctor agreed, he said we could explore other medications once I was back on track weight-wise… him putting me on a weight gain program.

But that night… as we sat there on the bed with our dinner of baked potatoes sitting between us and two slices of cheesecake for dessert… he started in… like he was scolding a child, he began telling me how he was angry I was not taking care of myself. 

???!!!

I was so confused. I sat there trying to process just what the hell was going on... it was like our two worlds didn't match up or something. He was twisting reality... I WAS taking care of myself... I was trying to re-gain the weight I'd lost. I tried to explain (again) to him how I had been taking Vyvanse to help my ADHD symptoms but it had led to the weight loss… that these things take time, I couldn't regain the weight overnight. I felt like he expected instantaneous results of perfection… like I couldn't perform quickly enough and when he said "jump" it wasn't when but how high did I need to do it? I was sick and tired of his expectations… it was draining. I could never live up to his expectations. His constantly high expectation(s) of me had caused my anxiety to sky rocket over the past few years… it was like living on eggshells all the time… wondering when would the other shoe drop.


He looked down at his potato saying nothing… fuming. Fuming that I was trying to explain… he might as well have had steam coming from his ears. He was fuming that I wasn't like: "Oh, okay, dear… I will get on that for you right away!" like some programmed robot.

I spoke "What is the matter with you?" I asked then snapped with exasperation, "I'm sick of you fussing at me!"

He turned and looked at me, his dark beady eyes staring at me like they wanted to explode out of his head. "You look like SHIT!" he yelled at me.

Silence.

I stared at him with stunned shock.

"I look like SHIT?!... I LOOK LIKE SHIT?!" I repeated forcibly with emphasis on each word, anger mounting at what he said, absolutely stunned he was speaking to me that way. "Excuse me?!" I retorted back at him.

"Yeah, you do!" He retorted back, ugly in my face.

I sat there, the cream room swirling, spinning, trying to grasp what was happening. What the hell had happened to him? WHO WAS HE??? AND WHO TALKS TO SOMEONE THIS WAY? I had no idea. This was some psycho in my bed. A million thoughts were running through my mind… frantic, crazy, grasping thoughts… trying to make some sense of something that didn't make any sense at all.

I had no idea he was cheating. I had no idea he was wracking his brain on a daily basis trying to figure out how to get rid of me… so he could move in my new, younger-look-alike and "try things out" with her instead… and his best friend was condoning it all, even encouraging it,who had stood at the altar for our wedding beside us as we took our vows.

"Why are you talking to me this way?!" I demanded.

Silence. He just stared, fumed down at his potato with steam coming off it.

I wanted to cry. He had vowed to love me, to walk beside me yet I felt alone in this... he had just said the most awful, hateful thing and I didn't understand why he was being so cruel, so mean. But my hurt quickly turned to anger right back, I was so upset with him.

"I can't believe the way you're talking to me! I can't believe what you just said!" I exclaimed and as I sat there staring at him like he was from Mars, I spoke "You know… you think you're so perfect… but I don't see six-pack abs." I pointed out, trying to make a point then took a deep breath and added, "You're attacking me for something I am trying to fix, trying to work on, that I am fully aware of… I didn't ask for the weight loss, I am trying the best I can. You need to quit pointing the finger at me… because you have some work to do, clearly on yourself, in how you treat me. I don't know why you feel like it's okay to treat me like this but it's not. And I don't have to take it." I got up, retreated to the master bathroom, slammed the door shut and sat on the thick plush white bathmat that graced the tile floor, sobbing, unbelieving that he could behave that cruelly… little did I know everything was derailing faster than a unstoppable train headed for disaster.

****************

In a narcissistic sociopath's view he or she believes their words of "constructive" (loving in his or her eyes) advice is for your own benefit, it's for your own good… he or she means no harm, he or she is merely trying to nudge you in the right direction, after all. They are just wanting you to be perfect so they can love you… so you can love them like they need you to, so the relationship will thrive and flourish. They are helping you… in their eyes they are nudging you to get your act together speedy quick because they can't have you, their partner being a mess, now can they? Nope, not at all.

Their criticism comes from a place of LOVE not wrath… <smirk>

Then he or she will turn on the charm again… the love they can shower you with that is all-so-wonderful, whether it be adoring praise or gifts they will have you heady with joy at how much they clearly love you. They will continue this cycle of dishing out "loving criticism" and then the over the top acts of love like gushing praise, high fives, words of "great job!" accolades for you, gifts like expensive paintings, electronics, flowers, candy and clothes… leaving you in a disoriented spin cycle of confusion.

Until you become strong. Until you see he or she for what they really are. Until their game is up. Until the mask falls away bit by bit revealing stinking decay underneath. Until you're onto their trickery and deceit… until you sit there and reply:

"I can't believe you're treating me like this! I'm not putting up with it!"

Strength threatens them.

Strength means they are no longer in control.

Strength means you're in control.

Strength means they are about to lose.

And you're about to walk out the door.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014  

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing!


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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/when-marriage-equals-prostitution.html

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons Not To Keep Him
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html

Healing From A Sexual Past Leads Us To Pure Love

“Cry Face” by holohololand via FreeDigitialPhotos.net 

We may have engaged in sex before marrying but this does not mean we are less than. As a teenager, just because you may have already had sex outside the sanctity of marriage does not imply that you must now walk the path of shame and leave the path of unconditional love that Jesus walks. 


So many teen girls today wince with shame once they have had sex with someone, erroneously believing that they can never be seen as worthy again... that they cannot be loved, that their future husband (if he does judge you he's not the right guy) or even Jesus will think less of them. 

This is far from the truth. The truth is... Jesus loves you. He does not base his love for you on your behavior. His love is unconditional. He sees your sin but he asks you to turn from it, repent and move forward with him. Jesus looks at your heart as the root issue.... 

He looks at your heart for hate, envy, greediness, lust, unforgiveness, etc and how these are then  reflected in your life. No matter what issue(s) you are struggling with, He helps you overcome!

It is not holy to shame others for the sin, regrets, guilt and impure acts they have committed between the sheets with another person before marriage, for not one of us is perfect and perfection is impossible to achieve. We would all benefit to acknowledge the beauty and sacredness of sharing an intimate sexual relationship with only the one we marry. God designed marriage as the ultimate expression of love between two people. Prior to our marriage vows we can look within, at ourselves and at any sexual sin we have engaged in...


Sometimes we may grapple with the emotional fall out of having a sexual relationship that we later regret. We can choose to face it head on and immerse ourselves in the past we may not want to embrace. We can go into those dark corners, the pits, those muddied areas and force ourselves to languish in it... to feel it, to grasp it, instead of turning away and pretending it doesn't exist. Once we allow ourselves to feel the deep emotions we have been pushing away we can boldly throw on a coat of courage and meet up with Jesus. There, in those dark depths... that shame we keep trying to swat away, like an annoying mosquito that carries an infectious disease we can choose to face what we need to and find light once again. Jesus can help us become conquerers!

He won't condemn you. 

He won't shame you. 

He won't hate you. 

He won't ignore you. 

He will hold you.

He will convict you.

He will love you.

He will cleanse you. 

He will restore you.

We don't have to live in regret, in shame, in despair or grief over our pre-marital sexual past. Remind yourself that your past does not define you... what you've done or not done. It doesn't matter for God is here with you always holding your hand and walking beside you in pure love. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

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Related Posts: 

Once Down In The Gutter & Called A Whore: 

But Came To Know Jesus Died For Me & You 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/once-down-in-gutter-called-whore-but.html

Abortion: You Aren't Your Choice

Silent grief. 

There's no baby. 

There's no funeral. 

There's no grave to visit.

Abortion is permanent. 

There are no do overs. 

But now....


maybe you are left wondering what the child would have been like. 

maybe you are left wondering what you have missed. 

maybe you are left wondering how it would have changed you.



Maybe at the time you believed you made the right decision.

Maybe at the time you weren't sure what to do but had to make a decision.

Maybe at the time you didn't realize how this decision would follow you the rest of your life.

But now here you are. 

Years have passed and yet the pain may still be there if not perhaps magnified. 

Years have passed and yet you may still feel the loss and emptiness within. 

Years have passed and yet society today still claims that wasn't really a child. 

But your heart whispers within and now tells you otherwise. 

It's filled with regret and guilt and conviction and possibly even shame.

Maybe of all the missteps in your life, of all your decisions, of all your choices you regret this the most.

You want to grieve and yet may not know how.

You may drown in silent grief and bite your tongue not daring to speak of what you did.

You may keep silent and not tell anyone. Because what would they say?

They might judge. 

But no matter what you choose to say or not share....


Take heart and know that God is there for you.


There was a baby. That was yours. That you carried however briefly.


And you have every right to mourn that baby and reach out to God for comfort.


Maybe all you have left is the sonogram, the receipt or the discharge/recovery papers...




But in the midst of those tangible memories that are tucked away in your dresser, in a shoebox or in a desk, remember that your child is with God.... in His presence, in His light and with God you can find peace... by reminding yourself that you are NOT your decision, you are NOT your past mistakes, you are NOT your misguided choices. You are LOVED by God and by convicting you He is not condemning you.

God's grace is way bigger 
than your choice. 

You had a choice. 

But so does God. 

And He still chooses you. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Life: Tôi quan tâm

“Driving In Car In Fall” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1994

some names have been changed

*********************

Bao drove along the dark streets now slick from an earlier drizzle, the bright intermittent halos of street lights casting intervals of light on his face. I settled into the deep low passenger seat on the brink of sleep, cushioned in the scent of his cigarettes, hair gel and black leather jacket wedged between us. We weren't dating, we weren't together. But we were friends and he had taken me under his wing while gone. He had been fiercely loyal to me and expected nothing. I felt safe with him despite the threat of the constant unknown considering the circumstances. The custom sound system played The Power Of Love by Celine Dion and the music swelled throughout the tiny Supra. I saw his cigarette burn marks along his foreman and back of his hand. I had asked Bao about them but he'd briskly yet gently brushed me off. People question why a young person would join a gang or just live with a gang however temporarily. Granted, every individual, situation and reason is unique but there is always commonality. 

Belonging 

Being part of a group. Belonging to something, to someone. There is something seriously lacking and a need that needs to be filled. Each story is different but the overall themes are often strikingly similar....

Absentee dads, rejection, low esteem, shame, etc. Magnify these things by a thousand and you have a lack of hope. Lack of care. Lack of light. However misguided and sinful the outcome is related to theft, drugs, chop shops, prostitution, etc... The initial intentions are to feel a sense of belonging within a group, something so many of these young people lack in their lives. 

Like Bao's cigarette burns... whether we self inflict pain or inflict pain on others, all pain begins with our attitude regarding care. How many times have we all been guilty of this? 

"Tôi không quan tâm"  =  "I don't care." 

Which translates to "I will do whatever I want." 

Which leads to...

Not caring who we hurt and their feelings

Not caring about our actions and the consequences of them

Not caring about what God cares about 

Not caring in the future or hope in God's plans

We don't have to be guilty of being in or associated with a gang to walk in this attitude. In fact, we are all susceptible to walking in this negative manner. All of this is due to our human flesh and stubborn sinful ways. It goes back to a prideful self-focused attitude of "Me, Me, Me" and whatever serves us. Which is the opposite of humbleness and God. 

We can self examine our attitudes and behavior on a regular basis in our lives to determine whether we are staying in an "I care" walk in our life or taking an "I don't care" mentality. " I don't care" puts us in darkness. "I care" puts us in God's light.

Instead we can choose to say "tôi quan tâm"
 Which translates to "I care." 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

Cast all your care upon Him, 
for He cares for you.
 - 1 Peter 5:7

To My Readers: 

thanks for reading & sharing! 

Your Father May Kick You Out But God Won't

1994 

names have been omitted or changed  

***************

When We Feel Unloved...

Have you ever felt unloved by your father? 

Have you ever felt rejected, shamed or even unworthy in his eyes? 

You are not alone. 

I heard his heavy tread of footsteps walk down the hallway toward the phone that rested on a tiny brown stand. Who was he calling?! I panicked. What the hell was happening? What was he doing? Was he sending me away? Was he having me picked up? If so, by who? I heard a muffled conversation and then I heard an angry tone.

“…okay, well hurry up!” And the phone slammed down with purposeful force causing it to make a resounding ring in response. I backed into a corner again as I heard his heavy tread returning and felt helpless.

He stood in my bedroom doorway and spoke with bare restraint, “You’re going to your grandparents. You’re going to live with them for awhile.” He told me. He could barely utter the words without choking from his rage. Pointing his finger at me, he instructed me with stilted words.

“Pack some clothes. Pack your toothbrush. Pack toothpaste.Your grandmother will be here in a minute.” He instructed. 

“Okay.” I whispered nodding and as my mother silently left my room with the broom and dust pan full of broken dirty glass from everything he'd smashed in my bedroom moments before from his reckless rage,  I turned to my closet. 

With shaking hands and a hurried heartbeat, I began quickly yet clumsily going through my clothes hanging in my closet. I grabbed a few clothes and began throwing them into a tote bag. Once in the bathroom I threw in toothpaste, toothbrush, razors, deodorant and my hairbrush. 

Exiting the bathroom I walked down the hallway to find my grandmother just inside the front entry waiting for me. She patted my father's arm reassuringly to let him know we'd be just fine and then reached out her hand toward me. I took it with my free hand and silently followed her lead out the front door. The heavy door slammed shut behind me without a word. 

Our earthly father may fail at times but our Heavenly Father never will. We don't have to be afraid... God will provide for us, protect us, love us and keep His promises of good. He won't turn his back on us and shut us out. We have been instructed to be imitators of God and to follow His example. Father's can look to God for instruction and guidance in their leadership to discipline (with love) for their children. 

Even if you have felt your earthly father's lack of guidance during your most formative years, even if you felt controlled with an iron fist or alternatively rejected by him or both, even if you knew your dreams, thoughts and feelings were of little to no importance to your earthly father, you can take heart in knowing that God cares about all these things and more. He is ready to guide you, to love you with everlasting love, give life to your future and most of all give you hope. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

I am not distant 

and angry

but am the 

complete 

expression of love

- 1 John 4:16

I offer you more 

than your earthly father 

ever could

- Matthew 7:11

I am also the father 

who comforts you in all 

your troubles

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

To My Readers: 

Thank You For Reading, 

commenting and sharing!