The Foundation Of A Christian Marriage: 3 Tips

“Blueprints” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Building a great marriage based on God's word takes time, dedication and work. It's similar to building a house… if we don't begin with the basic foundation and check the blueprints, our house won't be very solid… it might even crumble, yikes.

We don't want to go into marriage believing in God yet then ironically not include Him in our marital relationship… that seems so silly yet it actually happens. Intentional? Probably not but it's damaging just the same. We want to be intentional in our marriages and our relationship with the Lord. Otherwise we just might wake up one day years into our marriage and see the glaring truth before us… yes, we believe in God yet we didn't once contemplate what He wanted for us and our marriage… instead we ignored our bibles, we didn't read good solid teaching and articles on what makes a successful Christian marriage and we didn't look to other couples who are in those solid marriages through our church and community or even seek our pastor for counsel when needed. 


We can see that the key difference is commitment versus merely stamping a religious label or denomination on ourselves such as Protestant, Catholic, Baptist, etc and thinking our work is done. It goes back to the question Kyle Idleman poses in his book Not A Fan… are we mere fans or followers? As Christians our marriage should reflect actively following Christ not just being a fan… this means actions hold much more weight than pretty words. 


So what can we do as believers to cultivate a great marriage that includes God?

There are several points to consider: Here are 3… 


1. As a couple it's so important to take the time to read the bible together or even side by side and then taking the time to discuss. Also, reading articles on marriage that are Christian based can help bring discussion to the table for a couple… what is your perspective of the advice in it? Do you see any of those issues in your own marriage? Receiving daily devotionals sent to your email and sharing the ones that hit home for you with your spouse can lead to conversation as well.

PRAYER IS LIKE ACTIVELY TAKING YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATION; if you know pollen and grass make you break out in hives you'd likely take your medicine right? Of course you would; it would act as your preventative against catastrophe. Reading the bible together as a couple is kinda the same thing… when we are pro-active and pray life over our relationship versus neglecting it's health we are doing a good thing!


2. It's important that both spouses are partners…. one particular verse may become twisted to ones own liking… 

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.

Ephesians 5:23-32

Husbands may believe that since the scripture states their wife must submit to them that they then have the authority and discretion to do anything and everything they choose… however unloving. But the scripture is clear that husbands are to love their wives. It reminds us of a domino effect. If a husband is loving his wife; leading her toward God and making sound decisions that reflect Christ not the world… then his wife will gladly submit. Conversely, if a husband is not loving his wife and is treating her poorly, maybe even with emotional or physical abuse it only stands to reason that she may not feel loved by him… actions speak volumes and if a husband is behaving more like a jailer than a follower of Christ his wife and marriage will suffer. 

Partnership is vital in a marriage; one person is not worth more in Christ's eyes whether man or woman… both bring wonderful, different but VALUABLE qualities to the table. 

She may be weaker than you are, but she is your 
equal partner in God's gift of new life.

Husbands when leading should do so with love not anger, wrath and control 

Remember that you each have a right to be heard, to calmly and respectfully relay any concerns you have regardless of whether it is finances, in-laws, children, sex or even a vacation or new purchase. When we take the time to really hear (not just be ready with our response) what our spouse wants it shows we care and that their perspective is just as important… this can only serve to bring couples closer together rather than pushing them apart. 

3. Couples need to protect their marriage from outside forces… satan is delighted to use any and all tactics he can to infiltrate a marriage; to annihilate love and any sweet expression of it. Satan's number one goal is to destroy… namely family. If the devil can destroy a marriage he will divide a husband, wife and children. Sex was created by God for married couples to show their love to one another and for procreation… it's so incredibly important for husbands and wives to utilize the tools they are given to protect their intimate relationship.

If you're struggling with emotions from a past relationship that included sex.. (or even that didn't) and it's overshadowing your marriage it's so essential to pray for forgiveness to God… just be honest with Him and admit this is a struggle and that you need help. Repent and commit anew to your marriage… follow God's will for your life; be obedient to Him, ask for strength and that no weapons formed against your marriage may prosper. 

Shield yourself and your spouse from any potential sexual sin so it doesn't infiltrate your marriage; say no to porn and filth on the television screen, share email accounts and keep strong boundaries between yourselves and those of the opposite sex…  turn to God and ask Him to chisel your mindset so that you each honor one another and show love in the healthiest of ways that please Him. God wants us to enjoy a relationship of sweet intimacy with our loved one and when we do that in the purest of ways it is sacred, unmarred and full of joy. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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Expectations In Our Relationships: 4 Tips

Couple Spat On Aisle 5: 3 Tips

50 Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ

Husbands & Romance: What Wives Want

He noticed all of her… 

If you've read the novel The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller you may very well be familiar with that line. Reading the book for the first time this past week has brought much thought into the realm of romance. In the story Francesca Johnson mourns the fact that romance is nonexistent in her marriage to Richard… and when Robert Kincaid stops by one day asking for directions her entire world shifts. In no way do I condone Francesca's cheating but there is much in this story that needs to be scrutinized and reflected upon as the novel reflects the ill health of so many marriages today not just Francesca Johnson's fictional one.


Francesca Johnson laments what lacks in her marriage and what lacks becomes so much more glaringly obvious once Robert enters her life. But the lacking was always there just the same. It was always between her and her husband. It always separated them like smoke in a bar… each of them at distant ends one perhaps realizing there was an issue… the other oblivious to any. The lack in her marriage and her husband Richard's inability to realize it leads us to what do women want in their marriage and what would make it better if men were only willing to open their eyes and see it?


Reading The Bridges of Madison County gives us an inkling into what women truly want, how they want to live in their marital relationships and if men were willing to give the book a read they just might see the spark that may be missing with their own wife. But if not… here are some ideas… this post was inspired by my reading the book these past few days… and somewhere I believe there will be a wife or two (maybe more) nodding in utter agreement.


Husbands… 


What does your wife want?

She wants you to make love to her on the kitchen floor as chili simmers in a pot on the stove on a Saturday night… as the rain patters on the roof she wants to gasp and moan; reaching for the edge of dark night sky in ecstatic symphony.

She wants you to take her hands and dance to a slow tune on the radio… listening to the crickets chirp, feeling the coolness of the patio under your bare feet, the scent of gardenias nearby; you pluck one for her hair and tell her how incredibly beautiful she is.

She wants you to run a hot bath for her complete with bubbles and when the foam is daring to overflow the tub call her that it's ready, hand her a cold beer and brush her hair while she tells you anything and everything she needs to get off her chest.

She wants you to take her hand; please never tire of taking her hand and holding it when going places, particularly crossing the street; she wants to know you still care, that she still matters and you wouldn't dream of leaving her behind.

She wants you to send her a text while you're at work that doesn't demand anything, doesn't ask anything of her… but to just simply say "I'm thinking of you."

She wants you to say her name with endearment, not irritation or impatience… that when she hears you speak her name… she knows that it means something… that it's special to you and not ordinary.

She wants you to walk or run the trails with her and explore; to never tire of exploring the world with her no matter how local or far away.

She wants more pictures not less.

She wants you to see her as an individual not just as "your wife" like some kind of appendage or property owned.

She wants you to support her dreams, to encourage her, to not let her take the easy way out.

She wants you both to be on an active anti-boredom mission… boredom kills a marriage so quickly, like weeds that infest a neighbors yard; soon it takes over and what life was there is wiped out.

She wants you to make sweet love to her as if time frames, clocks and deadlines don't exist… she wants you to give her the delicious attention she desires and not just go through the motions of mechanics.

She wants you to open doors, to help carry things, be chivalrous because she knows she can do it on her own but the gesture of your kindness matters to her.

She wants you to plan vacations away… she wants you to take her someplace with a pretty view… beautiful settings are like a salve for weary souls… and spending time together in them makes for even sweeter memories.

She wants you to put down the remote control on an occasional evening and ask her what she wants in life… in five years, in ten years, in twenty… she wants you to ask her something besides where is your neck tie and what's for supper.

She wants you to tell her that she's an amazing wife and mother… and that if you had it do all over again, yes, you would marry her.

She wants you to be willing to pursue every single avenue in making your marriage better before daring saying you're done.

She wants you to pray for her, for her safety, health and well-being… she wants you to know you talk to God about her and thank Him for her.

She wants you to lead her in love… not crassness, not ambivalence, not apathy or dispassion but interest and purpose.

It may seem like a tall order… it might seem like a lot of work… but honestly, it's the difference between a marriage with life in it and one of impending death… romance adds so much to our marital lives and when we put in the effort to implement even a few things it can add infinite richness and beauty.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

Fifty Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ

If you're a woman you've likely heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James. It's the story of a naive unworldly college woman named Anastasia or "Ana" Steele who meets up with wealthy businessman Christian Grey. It has not only received criticism from the secular world due to it being poorly written but also from Christians who have dubbed it as ungodly. It's bewilderingly ironic to see that E L James has named the leading male character "Christian" when his name reflects everything but Christ.

Just because it's fiction doesn't mean it's okay to read. 

Yet even fiction can be a reflection 

of God's truth… 

but Fifty Shades of Grey is 

anything but. 

I didn't go see the movie Magic Mike, nor have I read Fifty Shades of Grey (I've read enough off the Wikipedia page for Fifty Shades to feel like I've already read it unfortunately)… and I won't go see the movie. (And btw, did anyone see that "Love Guru" scene on the Bachelor Monday night? That was ridiculously inappropriate on abc's part to promote and my heart went out to sweet Carly: you are beautiful, sweet, genuine and if any man has never seen that shame on him.) Back to the point of this... the fan base for the book Fifty Shades appears to be predominately married females in their thirties. It has been referred to as "Mommy Porn"… which frankly, makes me recoil with an upset stomach. I can't imagine any man (definitely godly man) wanting his wife to read Fifty Shades of Grey… a man who is following Christ is not going to condone that for his sweet wife to read. He is going to want his wife to put Christ first in her life… him second and he would naturally want her physical satisfaction and connection to come from him not from within the pages of a book with views of control, fantasy and abuse.

Fifty Shades of Grey is basically porn… 

It doesn't represent anything Christ
 would be in agreement with. 

He would not hand any woman 

that book and say:

 "Here, read this." 

He would say:

 "Please put the book down, turn from this sin. Go and start anew." 

We as women need to be especially tuned into what is entertainment and what is not. Watching a man strip down to his tightie whities (yes, you just read that) and strutting around is not entertainment Jesus would nod and say "Okay" to… seriously. Watching a woman being dominated by a man who is consumed with control is not going to be okay in God's book. Some of the questions we can ask ourselves are why do we view this book and movie as entertainment? Why are we feeling the need to read or watch this type of material? What are we feeling as though we are missing out on? What is lacking in our lives? Are we lacking excitement? Maybe one way to look at a lack of excitement in our lives is looking for healthy solutions to the issue. If I'm not on ADHD medication I am one restless person, like a squirrel in a cage, I constantly want to escape. If money were no object and I was sans medication I would be in Thailand or Ireland tomorrow… I want adventure, I want excitement, I want to travel. So I totally get the desire for some excitement in life… and that is perfectly fine, but how are we going about it? Are we in prayer with God? Are we looking for a fun vacation spot to explore and booking tickets? Are we taking a hot air balloon ride or zip-lining to feel a thrill? Are we stepping out of our comfort zone with volunteering? It's not that wanting excitement is bad, it's the actions were taking to do something about it that matter.

Excitement. 
How are we going about finding it? 

There is something concerning with supporting books like Fifty Shades of Grey… and not just for Christian women but all women, really. I don't know that we necessarily have to be a Christian to find issue with the book… I don't know that we have to be female either. Men have plenty of reason to be up in arms about the material as well. This book is promoting female resistance, conditioning and submission, male dominance and abuse including emotional. The relationship between Ana and Christian has nothing to do with equality, with respect, with empowering women… is this a book a man would want his daughter reading? Likely not. For some reason even though this is 2015 the message is still being sent to women that to engage in sexual relationships equates to being all-powerful and being a modern woman. This cannot be further from the truth. Why is the glorification and glamorizing of women in sexual relationships being continued? Maybe we as a society need to find ways to redefine power and strength for females… because it seems our skewed definition of those two words have become confused and linked to sex for whatever reason.


We as a society need someone to step in… to hold both men and women accountable when it comes to porn. One would think that could possibly or should be the church. Perhaps we need the church to speak up, for Pastors to do sermons on the dangers of dabbling in erotic books and viewing these movies… men are visual creatures by nature… the porn industry has preyed on that fact with porn having exploded in popularity the past few decades via the internet and unfortunately now women are following in male footsteps by reading erotica. Until churches step out of their own comfort zones and are willing to (take risks) address both men and women and give guidance to them under Christ's guide to a fruitful life, society will continue to flounder. We can't expect change, transformation if churches are only focusing on the "luke warm" issues and not the hot and heavy topics so to speak.

We need to stay pure in our thoughts. Reading erotica only serves to create issues… no where in the Song of Songs do we find descriptions that include BDSM or words that represent a sinful nature… but instead the sweet, captivating, thrilling and intoxicating connection between a married man and woman who are absolutely smitten with one another in godly marital intimacy. The movie Fifty Shades will be released for Valentine's, a day that should be about love and showing the one we vowed to cherish forever the loving sacred standard God desires for us in our relationships. 

When we rebuke the sins of the world and all its lust and gloss fancied up in a pretty package to lure us in, when we see it for what it truly is… a deceptive act and trick of the devil… we will stand in victory. When we say no to what the world cries is "just entertainment" but we know Jesus would take issue with us reading or watching… we may stand alone but that is perfectly okay. Standing alone isn't something to be ashamed of… being called "prude", etc is nothing to be embarrassed about, standing alone is brave, standing alone can be sticking to what you know Christ wants for you when the world is garnering for the opposite. And that's okay.


Christ isn't looking at what the world finds popular, He isn't concerned with what has the highest ratings, the best reviews or the most sales… He is most concerned with obedience, with us following him, with our total and complete surrender… putting down what He says to put down and living a fruitful life… what are we sacrificing? What are we giving up? What are we shedding in our life to support the kingdom?


One way to do that is to not pick up anything he deems evil and not life producing…

But instead to do what is pleasing to Him.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers; Thank you for your readership & sharing! 

Marriage & Parenting: When Change Is Needed - 5 Tips

We know without a doubt it's incredibly important who we marry… hence to be the mother or father of our children is so important, as it will impact us (and our kids) for quite some time… at minimum eighteen years… but likely longer. We will be tied to this person in all the big and little ways pertaining to how we raise our children… whether the marriage lasts or not… we will be stuck working with them (or not, maybe more like colliding or rubbing like sandpaper) in our children's moral, health, religious, educational upbringing and more. And if we come to the conclusion our perspectives don't match up… we will not only have irritating friction but un-yielding issues that not only make us as parents want to pull our hair but also come to see the other parent as more opposition than ally. It's a reality that is essential to consider when we choose who we marry. Not everyone is shown the truth of who they are marrying… some wear masks so well it's not until much later down the road do they realize they've been duped, as it can happen to both men and women. But in hopes that that doesn't happen… it's of utmost importance to choose wisely and with open eyes focusing on actions rather than words.


My own ex and I are so far apart on the spectrum of parenting it's mind-boggling. Just this past weekend my daughter announced to me: "Daddy is listening to some song Tuesday… it has really bad words in it, Mommy." Googling the song I soon came across Chris Brown's Tuesday. I found the least bad portion of it to play and asked her if this was the song. Nodding, she affirmed that was it. More documentation ensued and a mental narrative regarding the disgusting lyrics and her father's poor parenting went through my head. It confirmed for what felt like the millionth time that he was looking out for himself, not her… certainly not her best interests. My daughter listens to Christian music give or take eighty percent of the time when she's with me…. the other twenty percent is a careful selection of songs from mainstream music. Her favorite Christian song thus far is Overcomer by Mandisa… and nothing makes me happier than hearing her belt out the lyrics from the backseat while were on errands out. It's our job as parents to make good choices that protect our children. Parenting is not a given. We can have that right taken away at any time. With having children comes responsibility. It's a privilege. Yes, we don't want them too sheltered… and in that there are always boundaries that should never be crossed… and Chris Brown's music falls into that category for children's ears.


When we've been married to someone who is either an unbeliever or someone who maybe believes in God but doesn't follow Him… it can bring catastrophic results to our children's lives. When a spouse and or parent continually chooses self over selfless, marriages suffer and children do as well. Marital relationships and parenting that is "self-oriented" is not in alignment with God's word. These paths of darkness is what produces destruction in families versus a fruitful life.

This isn't about superficial change… change that doesn't really matter like whether someone likes karaoke, or prefers wearing blue over green or even if they like sushi or not. This is about serious change needed that can make or break a marriage. 

The truth is… a person has to want to change. Husband or wife. They have to want it for themselves. Years ago as I sat having lunch with a girlfriend she told me about a friend of hers who she was trying to counsel… her friend had had a really tough time in her marriage for years and my heart went out to her… the husband was an alcoholic, quick to temper and had pushed her once (which is one time too many). He seemed to live for video games and himself… often isolating himself and doing his own thing while she took the kids off for fun and dinners out etc. They lived in a divided household shown by their actions. Her friend was nearly at her wits end yet her husbands behavior continued for years. My friend was sad because no matter how supportive she was her friend frustratedly kept thinking her husband would change. Yet, he didn't. My friend spoke: "He won't change till he's ready. He has to want to for himself. "

25 Husbands, love your wives, 

as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Ephesians 5:25   English Standard Version (ESV)

We can't make someone change for the better, unfortunately. It's kind of like a symptom of sinuses acting up… it may irk us and for one reason or another that sinus symptom may initiate one person to go to the doctor to find out the reason for the issue. But someone else? They may decide it's easier to stay where they are… ignore their sinuses… as it's easy to live with them… it's not a deal breaker, after all… they can still navigate about their day despite it. They aren't uncomfortable enough yet with their situation. It's not much different with marital issues… someone who doesn't want to change may decide they are comfortable with the status of their marriage… while the other spouse simmers, despairs and boils and feels huge angst about the relationship… in summary doing all the worrying for both of them in where the union is headed.

“If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Mark 3:25

It's admittedly difficult to teach a dog new tricks if they have zero desire to learn. Likewise, if a parent is continually dabbling in choices that suit themselves and not the best interests of their children eventually there will be consequences. Consequences that could hypothetically go either direction… children that take on similar poor decisions of their parent and unfortunately continue down a road of looking out for one's self… raising another generation of children who do the same… or the other direction… hopefully a child who sees their parents choices for what they are… selfish, unbiblical and toxic… ultimately one day growing into a leadership role and becoming better for what they endured and lived through, instilling change for the next generation.


So what can we do as spouses when our spouse won't change? When it's much needed change, big change, valid change in areas that are threatening the very core of the union… the very marital fiber?  We can let them know we are serious about making changes, that we are serious about the relationships needs not being met… inviting them to go to marital counseling either through a professional therapist or trusted Pastor. Let he or she know that the way things have been will not continue… hopefully the fact they have much to lose will help wake them up to the fact they need to stop remaining stagnant and become an active partner toward change…. change that will require following a different path than the one their on…


So what else can you do? While beginning the path of therapy?

Here are 5 Tips To Help: 

1. Make lists of what areas you believe to be issues of power and control by your spouse.
2. How are your children showing signs of disrespect?
3. When are times that all media can be turned off so you can focus on each other; just talking and listening?
4. Do you see your children showing negative behaviors similar to yours/your spouses? What are they?
5. Try to remember that your spouse is not your enemy, satan is though and he loves to create destruction in any way he can… his first attack is always the family unit. So how can you and your spouse come together as a team and not adversaries? Perhaps by making a list of what issues you do agree on… as well as what brought you together in the first place… finding the common ground you have will help to bring you closer rather than pushing you further away.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Related Posts: 

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

3 Common Triggers In Marriage: Fighting Fair

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/10/3-common-triggers-in-marriage-fighting.html

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

winter 2012

names have been omitted in this post  

*****************

My soon to be ex husband and I sat in the tiny office of the psychiatrist. The office with it's minimally decorated cream walls, modern black desk and three plastic chairs flanking one wall… the three of us sat as the psychiatrist listened to our valid concerns over our sons most recent meltdown or "fit" as we often called them. He would nod as we gave further explanation, acknowledging he was hearing what we were saying… his fingers typed rapidly on his keyboard as he took notes. He listened carefully and then nodded... turning to our son he spoke, "Okay… let's go over this again. When you began coming here… we had a talk. Right?" He asked our son looking to him for agreement.

Our son nodded.

"And what was it we discussed? What was it that we agreed were your two jobs?" He asked him, leaning forward in his black swivel desk chair.

"My two jobs are go to school and listen to my parents." our son told him quietly with his hands in his lap.

"That is correct. You have two jobs. Go to school and listen to your parents. So if you're having fits then that means you're not listening to mom and dad. Correct?" He confirmed giving him a long look.

"Yes." our son admitted.

"Okay… so let's not lose track of what exactly you're supposed to be doing. You need to stick to your two jobs and nothing else. Alright?"

"Yes sir." our son told him.

********************

Jobs. 

We all have them. It seems so simple of a concept but listening to the psychiatrist break down everything our son needed to do under the heading of two very simple jobs made it even easier to see where our sons focus needed to be versus where not.

It's really not much different for us, is it?

As women we are often expected to wear many hats… but even men who have jobs that are more demanding than others can relate… we can all undoubtedly get swept away with all the things we need to do… whether it's on a daily basis or just life in general… and sometimes we lose touch with what our job truly is.

When we get married we gain two jobs

And not just any two jobs. But the two most important jobs we will ever have in this lifetime. Today, if you're married I'm writing to gently remind you of those two jobs… because we can tend to forget… I know I did when I was married. We can undoubtedly forget that when we say "I do" there is then much that we choose to "don't" do. For Christian couples who are dedicated to putting God and their spouses first it's essential to review what those two jobs really look like.

When we marry we vow to honor and love our spouse… before God… and we know that not one person in the union is to be the dominant one… instead that the two become one before God and are there to serve the Almighty King. It takes three to have a successful marriage and putting God first at the head of the relationship sets the very foundation for it to thrive. When we realize that our marriage is not truly ours to mess with… it's not ours to neglect, it's not ours to shun or turn our backs on or choose not to serve in… that it's actually God's union, it's in His jurisdiction and we are there to follow what He deems loving and life producing… we will be much better off and our marriage will reflect it.

Today I would ask you what you've done for your spouse? 

Today I would even go so far as to ask if you're divorced... 
What could you have done for your spouse that you didn't?

It's something to think on…

If you're married I'd ask you today what you could do that would be choosing selfless over self? What could you choose to do that would be putting God first and not you? What could you do that would tell your spouse "I thought of you" without any strings attached?

And then go do it.

We have two jobs when were married: 

1. Put God first
2. Love our spouse


When we love God first it becomes easier to love our spouse and look out for them… it gets us past our egos, past our own louder than life needs and wants that can threaten to overtake anything our spouse perhaps desires.


So today take a little time… to think of how you could do a better job at your two jobs.

I wrote this post aimed at both sexes because it is something that applies to everyone, not just women, not just men. At the end of the day no matter how good, bad or toxic a marriage is… even post divorce we can look at patterns in our own past behavior and see where we could do better if we ever marry again. Tomorrow would have been my fifteen year wedding anniversary and with that each year reflection is good for anyone who has divorced. In my own marriage I could have done a better job at my two jobs:

1. I could have prayed over my marriage more
2. I could have sought more guidance from God in the day to day annoyances
3. I could have bought him those tickets to the game or race he would have loved as a surprise
4. I could have taken better care of myself (rest) and worried less about household chores
5. I could have just gone with him to see the guy movies (Marvel) he loved and watched them because at the end of the day it made him happy


Granted, these are just a few… obviously all of us would have many more… but it's something to think about… when we say "I do" we obviously aren't also agreeing to neglecting God, to not praying over the little things, to choosing ourselves over our partner, to letting the frictions between us and our spouse grow or to allowing demands from work, kids and in-laws come between us. Yet that is often what happens in marriage because we lose focus on what we're supposed to be doing. Instead, are we saying "I do" to our spouse each and every day?… our job right after living for Him is to love him/her.

So how would you grade the job you're doing?

Would you give yourself an A? B?

Maybe a shaky C?

There is always room for improvement… maybe it's time to go ask Him what you can do to love the one you said "I do" to better.

God will be so glad you did.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 


                                    

                                           

                                               

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Marriage: The 10 Do's & Don'ts 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/marriage-10-do-and-don.html

Dear Soon-To-Be-Divorced

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/dear-soon-to-be-divorced.html

A Wife's Expectation Of Her Husband: 

Honey vs Vinegar 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-wife-expectations-of-her-husband.html

Marriage: 5 Lessons Learned

names have been omitted from this post 

2014 

************************

I checked my email and looked for new alerts to the single site I had signed up for… okay, technically, sites. I did a huffy breath like the character Junie B Jones does in the books my daughter likes me to read to her at bedtime as I scrolled through the alerts I had in my inbox.

"Humph…" I huffed and slipped my iPhone into the inside pocket of my purse.

My mother glanced over at me.

"You ready to go?" she asked me.

"Yep" I replied and we left, slipping into her car. As we backed down the drive onto the street she spoke "So? You didn't say anything. Did you get anybody new?" She asked.

"Oh, yeah!"

I said with a laugh, leaning down to rummage through my bag for my chapstick. I slicked on some cherry flavored Chapstick and checked it in the visor mirror then flipping it upward. Tucking the chapstick back in my purse I spoke, "Now I'm getting twenty-two year olds. Their either sixty year olds or now twenty something's. Nothing in between. What am I? Mrs. Robinson? This is insane." I rolled my eyes and watched out the window as she made a right turn pulling onto the main thoroughfare. "Seriously, I want my money back. There should be a guarantee on those sites that you'll meet someone. The only guy my age I've interacted with behaved like a wierdo."

"What was up with him?" she asked, frowning as she switched lanes.

I reached down and picked up the small bottle of lotion resting in the cup holder nearby and began dispensing cool creamy lotion into the palm of my left hand "We were messaging, right? He asks me what I did that day. I tell him I worked then went on a walk at the park… you know, exercise?" I nod at her and she affirms that that sounds normal enough. "Well, then… he replies with 'Ugh! Yuck! I don't go outside!'… yeah, that was it. The whole conversation. So I moved on. I mean, who doesn't go outside?! His profile picture? Get this!… He was outside!!! Oh my Lord, seriously. I guess he went out that one time and it nearly did him in. Holy cow, I needed a compress on my head after that interaction." I quipped and she laughed.

"I think you need a refund. I don't see you finding anyone on those sites…" she murmured and smiled "I mean, you're better off just meeting someone."

"Yeah, probably so…" I admitted and paused in thought watching the traffic slow to a stop beside us at the next red light. Nearby were trendy lofts, hair salons and a gelato shop with hot neon lights in the window beckoning customers with it's open sign. I spoke "How do you find someone who likes Bogie movies, is athletic, drives a truck and opens the door like a gentleman but believes a woman should have equal rights and appreciates her spunk mixed with a pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 woman? A man who pursues Jesus, adores your softness and femininity and kind heart, your beauty within, but can also in the same sentence say with a smile 'You're ballsy' because he knows your spunk, fire, your spirit… and he genuinely loves it. Where do you find that man?" I asked thoughtfully aloud.

There was no reply.

We didn't have the answer.

But I hope one day I do.


You may be in the same position as I… wondering how you will meet that special someone. And then… after the fact, after you've "clicked" with them… wondering how you will do better this time around in a relationship… a marriage even. If you've been married before, perhaps your mis-steps of where you coulda, shoulda done better are glaringly obvious… as we all have something we can learn from… we all have the chance to learn from our past mistakes and apply learned lessons to our next relationship… as well with growth and maturity know what works and what obviously does not.


I've learned many lessons about marriage… and although I could write a book alone on what I've learned, I've come up with a short condensed list of the top five lessons. Some may prove to leave you nodding in agreement and some may have you pondering your own past experience in retrospect.


5 Lessons Learned From Marriage:

1. Spunk Is Fine… 

But Not Unhealthy Communication

When you're angry… slamming doors and stomping (or yelling) off like a three year old does zero good for anyone. In the very early years of my marriage I was guilty of this and had to consciously work on actually communicating...articulating how I felt and not expecting my mind to be read. Thank God for overcoming! My strength has always been writing but learning to communicate in a healthy manner (versus negative actions we may have had for examples as children) is incredibly vital to a successful relationship. Yes, sometimes we do need a mini break, absolutely and that's okay. But we can also do that in love… we can say "I need a time out. Be right back." and softly retreat, giving ourselves some time… taking a deep breath and then going back to our spouse ready to communicate in a constructive, loving manner. 

2. If It's Really Important To You… Make Sure You Get It

 I married someone who was not romantic, whose perceptive and insightful friend suggested multiple times over the years for him to shower me with moments of romance… candles, bubble baths, home cooked meals made together… but those dreams never came to fruition. Was I disappointed? Yes, terribly… it's still something I yearn for. Many times I tried to broach the subject and tell him how I felt but change for the better never happened. Instead, I was met with grabbing and crass words of "Get your hot $%* over here!" I never want to go through that again. The alternative of being alone is preferable to that. As women we want someone who is tenderhearted toward us… who desires us, who is insightful, who sees us as their best friend, equal and lover. We need to be sure we are completely certain who we are marrying and not sway on what we deem as must haves. 

3. He's Crazy + She's Co-Dependent 

= Unhealthy

Being too dependent. This is a known trait of women who attract men who are manipulative… these men prey knowing their target's kind nature and their tendency to put the relationship's importance/success ahead of their own self importance/worth... and these men use it to their own advantage. I had not spent enough time figuring out who I was before marrying. I also didn't create a niche of my own during my married years as I couldn't stand on my own two feet. To my own detriment and later in the wake of my divorce trying to quickly put my life together was enough to send anyone into near panic mode. It's imperative women don't allow themselves to "be home" all the time in the event he maybe decides to stroll in the door and make his presence. What are you doing with your time? With your life? Yes, if you're pursuing being a good wife and mother you naturally want to make a loving home the center of your focus. Being at home full time today is often viewed with disdain by society when at one time it was for privileged women. But it's so important for women to also have a balance… to not lose themselves and then find themselves in a precarious position later in their marriage… where they have no life of their own, especially in the possible demise of their marriage. What peaks your interest? Volunteering? Working part-time? Full time? Grow and develop yourself. Don't get yourself backed into a corner where you find yourself trying to save your partner's downfall or the relationship as a whole… be aware of these unhealthy patterns. Instead, find what gives you purpose outside the home so your husband does not become a crutch… dependency isn't love in the free sense but actually love cloaked in fear and invisible handcuffs.  

4. A Partnership = A Marriage

Marriage is about having a partnership. It's about coming together in the good, challenging and even hard times. It's not about one person winning, having the upper hand, being fully in control. You will find times when you disagree… and maybe finally you agree to disagree on the subject at hand. In that case perhaps the subject should be dropped and re-approached later on… it's not right for one person to go ahead and make a choice. If a decision must be made… see if there is a middle road that can be reached… both parties should walk away from the conversation feeling good… not bullied into something they feel vehemently opposed to. 

5. Appreciation: 

We Can Tailor It To Our Spouse

We may voice appreciation for our husbands and we know they love these words of love… but could we be a bit more specific? Instead of emitting a general statement of "You're such a great provider!"… maybe a better way would be specifically saying "Thank you for dealing with difficult clients at work and being our provider! I know everyday is not a picnic!" This tells him that you intimately understand the frustrations and workings in his world he encounters each day… whether it's disgruntled clients, customers who don't show up, a boss who behaves like a tyrant or even trying office politics amongst co-workers. When we give our husband concrete examples of what we observe him going through it reassures him that we truly know the hoops and hurdles he must navigate to be our shining hero out in the world each day. And that, ladies… brings a genuine smile to his face. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers;

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Bridging The Gap: 30 Questions To Ask Someone

When you go about your day have you ever noticed how many people have poker faces? I would be willing to bet quite a few. It seems as though when I'm out and about during my day that often people are visibly surprised when you smile at them. Then once the fleeting surprise has passed a smile is returned by them. So often it's that we go about our days in a blur, not really noticing the details… the people around us. We go through the motions of saying things like "Hi, how are you today?" and if you live in Texas "Oh, this weather is crazy, huh? One day it's ninety, the next it's raining and seventy degrees." We admittedly go about our days with these standard sayings not really connecting with anyone.


If I met you today… I'd love to connect. To listen. To talk. To understand. I would hope for no superficial conversation… no mere polite chatting… but realness. I'd love to hear what your real, raw and unedited story is. What you've been through. What your hopes are. What you've struggled with. What makes your voice crack with emotion. What you want to see change in the world for the better. It's these conversations that are meaningful… that are real and what helps us all connect… that makes our differences seem not so different and bridges the gap between assumptions and truth.

And yet… it's so often that we hide… we edit ruthlessly… we cringe… hoping people will like what they see… us, the tidy package we may present for the outside world to see.

But it's not just out in the public, in the world that we do this… this edited dialogue may be what is happening at home… with our loved ones, our families, our spouses. Has your spouse or your child become a stranger to you? Do you wish you were connecting better? Maybe you yearn inside for a closer bond and yet the words escape your lips of what on earth to say. Maybe you settle for a hug and the comforting silence between you… and some days that satisfies… just physical closeness, the warmth of someone else. And yet… perhaps there are days you wish for more.

People today are hungry for connection. 

When we open up and share our innermost thoughts, our fears, our, past, our struggles… they no longer hold any power over us… and it enables us to connect to others on a deeper level. 

Learning Something New Even In Our Marriage… 

As time goes by in our marriage we may believe we already know everything about our spouses. We may finish each others sentences, we may know their favorite foods, how they take their coffee and what they prefer in bed. We may certainly know a lot but there is always the chance we could learn more… something new and unexpected. 

Maybe there's something new to learn about our children as well… they are rapidly changing as they graduate from grade schooler to pre-teen and grow through the teenage years… their likes and dislikes are constantly evolving… what they dream of doing one day, their beliefs, their goals, etc. 

Here is a list of thirty questions to ask the person you love, to get to know them better… maybe for someone you just started dating… or even your sister, mom, or bestie. You may already know (or think you do) the answers to some… but maybe some will be a surprise.


1. Describe your perfect day.
2. What makes you cry?
3. What are you most grateful for?
4. What super power would you want to have?
5. What do you value most in friendship?
6. What's the worst thing that's happened to you?
7. What is your favorite memory?
8. Complete this sentence: I really want to ______ with _______.
9. What is your most embarrassing moment?
10. What do you not find funny?
11. What have you not told someone that you know you need to? Why haven't you?
12. What is your definition of success?
13. What was your last prayer?
14. When you blow out the candles on the birthday cake do you make a wish?
15. Describe a happy moment and what song was playing.
16. If you could go anywhere in the world right now where would it be?
17. What worries you?
18. What impact do you want to leave on the world?
19. What behaviors are you unwilling to tolerate?
20. What is your biggest accomplishment?
21. What makes you smile?
22. When did you not speak up and wish you had?
23. What was the last bible verse you read?
24. Would you do anything differently if you knew no one would judge you?
25. What is your biggest fear?
26. What is your biggest hope?
27. What do you thank God for the most often?

29. What is your favorite mental snapshot? 

30. What's the kindest thing you've ever done for someone?

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Clink the link below for Grace Power Strength pins on Pinterest 

http://www.pinterest.com/jengumdropgirl/

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How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

It's amazing how lives may not be what they appear to the outside world. 

Relationships behind closed doors are often so far from how they are presented to others. What some may see as a loving father may just be a man putting on a show for the world. What some people see as a man happily twirling around his daughter as she giggles with delight in the park, her pigtails flying, causing onlookers to smile appreciatively... is maybe a man who in reality ignores his daughter behind closed doors. Maybe strangers see a man who shares an after school moment of ice cream cones with his children and they assume because the father is taking his sweet time with them he must be the doting dad. But what they don't see is how he ignores them once home and buries himself in his phone, laptop, video game, work, football game, etc. Instead he just exists under the same roof with children who don't really know him and who live in perpetual boredom due to his self centered ways, him always chained to the couch not wanting to be bothered by them, their requests and their neediness as he views it. Maybe he buys them everything their little hearts desire… maybe he buys them off with toys, gifts, movies, outings and desserts. He believes he's bought their love and affection. But when it comes to quality time spent together or even discussions of important topics… school, dreams, goals, bullies, puberty, friendships, hobbies, etc… there is a bottomless pit of silence, of awkward, of distance, of detachment.


This is no way for a child to live.

And yet it happens everyday all across the United States and the world.

Fathers who are not checked in… fathers who are present but not really… fathers who want to be able to tell others "My kids are so great…" and "I have a family…" but really at the end of the day it's all a facade to puff himself up, to make him feel important, like he has his life together, the quintessential picture perfect life… a family portrait of love.

When really it's anything but love.

It's really a portrait of one… of selfishness.

So how do we define what exactly makes up a good father in today's world?

Let me begin by asking you this: 

How you define love?  

That will lead you to what defines a good father. 

We must remember that when someone asks someone
if they love their child their answer
will automatically, unequivocally always be: 

"YES!"

I mean, anyone is going to say yes… and even a father who is self absorbed will say that yes, he loves his kids. Talk is cheap, we all know this and it's easy as pie for anyone to say that he (or she) loves their children. But actions… now those require effort. Actions require time, energy and consistency. Love requires not just action but also insight… into self awareness… into how one can improve upon what is already there. A person who is absorbed with his own wants and needs is not able to effectively show love through actions (besides through his wallet, as he may only know one way to show love or receive it… through buying it) because he's inept, even deficit in that department.


We must remember that when we are attempting to define whether a father is a good father, a loving father, we need to look closely at his actions. Only then will we find our answer.

LOVE = verb/action 

How To Be A Good Father: 

1. Love Your Wife
As a man you teach your son how to treat women; how to love them, care for them, provide for them, how to communicate effectively and calmly and even how to be affectionate toward them in a loving non-crass manner and to be respectful. You also teach your daughter what to look for when she marries one day so be the man you'd want her to marry. 

2. Be Thankful
When father's don't value their child and instead focus on what they don't have… meaning  wishing they had a boy instead of a girl or only focusing on their sons versus their daughters…  not only is it hurtful to their wife but to their children. A daughter will always sense that her father is disappointed she's not a boy. A son will always feel his father's rejection if he's not into sports or prefers the chess club over soccer much to his father's disappointment.  A son will realize his father' s unspoken preference of him if his dad rejects his sister… leading him to feeling superior and believing he has more value merely based on his sex. When father's don't appreciate each child God has blessed them with everyone suffers longterm. 

3. Don't Control
Men are often viewed as the head of the home, to lead, but unfortunately many pastors, churches and society as well have taken this and run with it into very dangerous territory. Head of home or leading does not equate to a free ticket for men to control and abuse their families. Men need direction from their pastors, from their men's groups in their churches… they need support in learning how to lead their families toward God… and not toward sin, control, manipulation and abusive behavior. 

4. Provide For Your Family
Providing for your family with a glad heart, with a joyful spirit, not one of grudges or complaining. A man who steps up and does what he's supposed to do without holding a grudge against his wife. Understandably, a wife may need to work or may have a career she wants to pursue but it's important that if she does choose to be a stay at home mother that her work is valued and not met with scorn by her husband and seen as mooching. 

5. A Good Father Makes Sacrifices
A father who loves his children makes the necessary sacrifices to put his children's present and future well being ahead of his self-gratification. If he is more interested in purchasing a shiny new car tricked out with all the latest gadgets than getting his special needs son the behavior intervention needed he is not showing his child love. If he is giving his daughter new dvd's or uploading new movies onto her iPhone just to keep her out of his hair so he can work overtime and spend extra hours in the office or on the phone he's not putting his daughter's best interests ahead of his own. He's showing through repeated actions that he comes first at the complete suffering of the entire family. 

6. Be Present
Father's are naturally more emotionally capable of being separated from their children, of working longer hours and not being as involved as mothers. But when they are at home, in the presence of their children it's vital that they are tuned in. It's important that they ask their children about school, about their friends, what their struggling with, if they are being bullied (or bullying) and about big issues like peer pressure, sex, drinking, drugs and the opposite sex. It's crucial for daughters to know her dad values her thoughts, her feelings and dreams. It's committing a great act of love when he listens to her and she feels heard. It's also an act of love when a father gets outside in nature with his children, when he's playing a sport or game with his son (or daughter) and encourages them in whatever they excel at. 

7. Be A Moral Person
So often in the family courtroom in the midst of divorce we hear judges say to the mother: "Well, he has every right to 50/50, he's the children's father after all. You and he may be getting a divorce but he's not divorcing his children." No one ever bats an eye at this except for possibly the mother. The truth is… that may be all well and good if the divorce is amicable, both parents are morally good people (the father is truly a loving father) and yet they are just parting ways. But if the divorce is due to a father's act of adultery or some other ill behavior like addiction or abuse, that concept is up for debate. He was not putting his children's best interests first. This is not an issue solely between he and his wife. Because when the marriage breaks consequently the family breaks. Judges need to realize this reality and stop trying to put everything in these neat separate compartments because life simply doesn't work that way. When a father doesn't choose the right path in life but instead sin that threatens to tear apart his family he makes the conscious choice to not be a good role model for his kids…. and that's not loving them… that's loving himself. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 


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Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody 

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