Husbands & Romance: What Wives Want

He noticed all of her… 

If you've read the novel The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller you may very well be familiar with that line. Reading the book for the first time this past week has brought much thought into the realm of romance. In the story Francesca Johnson mourns the fact that romance is nonexistent in her marriage to Richard… and when Robert Kincaid stops by one day asking for directions her entire world shifts. In no way do I condone Francesca's cheating but there is much in this story that needs to be scrutinized and reflected upon as the novel reflects the ill health of so many marriages today not just Francesca Johnson's fictional one.


Francesca Johnson laments what lacks in her marriage and what lacks becomes so much more glaringly obvious once Robert enters her life. But the lacking was always there just the same. It was always between her and her husband. It always separated them like smoke in a bar… each of them at distant ends one perhaps realizing there was an issue… the other oblivious to any. The lack in her marriage and her husband Richard's inability to realize it leads us to what do women want in their marriage and what would make it better if men were only willing to open their eyes and see it?


Reading The Bridges of Madison County gives us an inkling into what women truly want, how they want to live in their marital relationships and if men were willing to give the book a read they just might see the spark that may be missing with their own wife. But if not… here are some ideas… this post was inspired by my reading the book these past few days… and somewhere I believe there will be a wife or two (maybe more) nodding in utter agreement.


Husbands… 


What does your wife want?

She wants you to make love to her on the kitchen floor as chili simmers in a pot on the stove on a Saturday night… as the rain patters on the roof she wants to gasp and moan; reaching for the edge of dark night sky in ecstatic symphony.

She wants you to take her hands and dance to a slow tune on the radio… listening to the crickets chirp, feeling the coolness of the patio under your bare feet, the scent of gardenias nearby; you pluck one for her hair and tell her how incredibly beautiful she is.

She wants you to run a hot bath for her complete with bubbles and when the foam is daring to overflow the tub call her that it's ready, hand her a cold beer and brush her hair while she tells you anything and everything she needs to get off her chest.

She wants you to take her hand; please never tire of taking her hand and holding it when going places, particularly crossing the street; she wants to know you still care, that she still matters and you wouldn't dream of leaving her behind.

She wants you to send her a text while you're at work that doesn't demand anything, doesn't ask anything of her… but to just simply say "I'm thinking of you."

She wants you to say her name with endearment, not irritation or impatience… that when she hears you speak her name… she knows that it means something… that it's special to you and not ordinary.

She wants you to walk or run the trails with her and explore; to never tire of exploring the world with her no matter how local or far away.

She wants more pictures not less.

She wants you to see her as an individual not just as "your wife" like some kind of appendage or property owned.

She wants you to support her dreams, to encourage her, to not let her take the easy way out.

She wants you both to be on an active anti-boredom mission… boredom kills a marriage so quickly, like weeds that infest a neighbors yard; soon it takes over and what life was there is wiped out.

She wants you to make sweet love to her as if time frames, clocks and deadlines don't exist… she wants you to give her the delicious attention she desires and not just go through the motions of mechanics.

She wants you to open doors, to help carry things, be chivalrous because she knows she can do it on her own but the gesture of your kindness matters to her.

She wants you to plan vacations away… she wants you to take her someplace with a pretty view… beautiful settings are like a salve for weary souls… and spending time together in them makes for even sweeter memories.

She wants you to put down the remote control on an occasional evening and ask her what she wants in life… in five years, in ten years, in twenty… she wants you to ask her something besides where is your neck tie and what's for supper.

She wants you to tell her that she's an amazing wife and mother… and that if you had it do all over again, yes, you would marry her.

She wants you to be willing to pursue every single avenue in making your marriage better before daring saying you're done.

She wants you to pray for her, for her safety, health and well-being… she wants you to know you talk to God about her and thank Him for her.

She wants you to lead her in love… not crassness, not ambivalence, not apathy or dispassion but interest and purpose.

It may seem like a tall order… it might seem like a lot of work… but honestly, it's the difference between a marriage with life in it and one of impending death… romance adds so much to our marital lives and when we put in the effort to implement even a few things it can add infinite richness and beauty.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

Chivalry & Nice: The Struggle Within

Do you ever feel like something is missing in your relationship?

It seems an element that is often elusive is romance.

Like romance, chivalry could be deemed as needed in this world and yet it's sometimes fought... even by women.

Some say they don't need romance.

Some protest grand gestures.

Some protest just plain old nice.

And some smirk with derision over any niceties from men in general…

Maybe even when 
they very much 

want to believe in them. 

I know. And in fact… I continue to make a conscious effort to overcome this. I used to cringe when a man would hold a door open for me. I would like to say I no longer struggle with this… but I still do on some days. If a man was passing through a door and casually held it open for me to grab as I followed behind, I would be fine. But the grand gesture of opening a door for me and waiting… waiting… for me… I hated. I still have issue with it… but I now know it's my issue, not theirs. It's the picture of a woman who still has a deep rooted issue with receiving assistance from a man in the name of what some would call chivalry. It's a picture of being hurt one too many times, of not wanting to accept help from a masculine source because of the strong fear I might be indebted in some small way, shape or form. It's the picture of hesitating to be vulnerable, not wanting to be "seen" by a man but to just disappear into the background like a faded summer flower. It's a distancing, a go away, don't touch me, please don't get too close… and don't try anything... because I'm at the ready with my knee to admonish your groin. It's self-protection in a way that really serves nothing… zero purpose, but to keep me closed off and men away… it's something those closet to me notice when seeing a man open a door for me and I noticeably want to flee and I hurry on… as if my lingering too long he might just see through the self protective armor I wear over my heart. It's a picture of wounds, of the prideful outcry of "I don't need a man!" and wanting, very much wanting to believe that maybe, just maybe some people are being nice just to be nice.... because I do admittedly see proof and it's very much appreciated... it's simply wanting to believe that people do nice things for others because you're a person, you're human, you're one of God's children… not necessarily because they want something off you and or because you're the female sex.

But knowing you have an issue is better than not… because once we know… once we face what others closet to us have noticed and have voiced loving, non-critical concern about… we know we can no longer hide from it… we can't push it away… we can't bite our lip, turn away and deny it… because when we do… despite knowing inside, we realize we need to face it… we are also reminded that those who know us best can see when we are putting up walls… they can see through our tough front. If we do this with strangers how on earth will we ever let anyone in close enough to actually form a relationship with?

I believe that sometimes baby steps are needed… baby steps we get there. If you struggle with this like me then you know that you didn't get there overnight… it was a slow process over time, the damage… and it will take time to make changes… to make that effort toward balance, toward healthy… toward whole… I believe it's possible… and I believe it's worth it.

For someone who relishes romance, who wants to give it and receive it… to live it… and yet ironically isn't always very approachable to gladly receive the chivalry or just nicety of an opened door… it's a picture of marked contrast… and yet I have hope… I have hope and a determined conscious gentle effort for change… because it's only when we face our pride, our insecurities, our aversion to vulnerability… are we then able to let someone whisper sweet words in our ear… to lie beside someone and enjoy a starry night sky without every muscle in our body tense and ready for a fight or flight… it's only after we've let those walls down with someone we know and trust… who we've come to know is a safe place for us, a masculine tower of gentle strength… that we can lie our tired head on his chest and sigh with contentment and relax… knowing we are more than perfectly fine in his presence.


We don't have to suffer. 

We can say no to it.
And we can say yes to whole, to healthy…

to a man opening a door for us…

just because. 

it's nice to do.

It's then we will look back and see the progress and realize life is too short for a cycle that keeps us spinning endlessly and going nowhere. It's then in overcoming we can smile in victory… thank God for loving us and give the man we love beside us a passionate kiss.


The blessing of that… of sharing a life of special moments… uninhibited vulnerability, romance and purposeful love… with someone special... is a victory.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

4 Romantic Tips:

1. It doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes small and simple gestures are the most meaningful.
2. Tailor the gift or gesture to the specific person you're giving it to. Check out their Pinterest boards for ideas of what they like. Not every person loves red roses.
3. Put in some thought. Anyone can grab a box of chocolates.
4. Give without expectation. The point of romance is to let someone special know you were thinking of them. It's not to be done with the expectation of them doing something for you in return.

Related Posts: 

What Women Like: Romance & Godly Character 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/what-women-like-romance-godly-character.html

Marriage: 5 Lessons Learned

names have been omitted from this post 

2014 

************************

I checked my email and looked for new alerts to the single site I had signed up for… okay, technically, sites. I did a huffy breath like the character Junie B Jones does in the books my daughter likes me to read to her at bedtime as I scrolled through the alerts I had in my inbox.

"Humph…" I huffed and slipped my iPhone into the inside pocket of my purse.

My mother glanced over at me.

"You ready to go?" she asked me.

"Yep" I replied and we left, slipping into her car. As we backed down the drive onto the street she spoke "So? You didn't say anything. Did you get anybody new?" She asked.

"Oh, yeah!"

I said with a laugh, leaning down to rummage through my bag for my chapstick. I slicked on some cherry flavored Chapstick and checked it in the visor mirror then flipping it upward. Tucking the chapstick back in my purse I spoke, "Now I'm getting twenty-two year olds. Their either sixty year olds or now twenty something's. Nothing in between. What am I? Mrs. Robinson? This is insane." I rolled my eyes and watched out the window as she made a right turn pulling onto the main thoroughfare. "Seriously, I want my money back. There should be a guarantee on those sites that you'll meet someone. The only guy my age I've interacted with behaved like a wierdo."

"What was up with him?" she asked, frowning as she switched lanes.

I reached down and picked up the small bottle of lotion resting in the cup holder nearby and began dispensing cool creamy lotion into the palm of my left hand "We were messaging, right? He asks me what I did that day. I tell him I worked then went on a walk at the park… you know, exercise?" I nod at her and she affirms that that sounds normal enough. "Well, then… he replies with 'Ugh! Yuck! I don't go outside!'… yeah, that was it. The whole conversation. So I moved on. I mean, who doesn't go outside?! His profile picture? Get this!… He was outside!!! Oh my Lord, seriously. I guess he went out that one time and it nearly did him in. Holy cow, I needed a compress on my head after that interaction." I quipped and she laughed.

"I think you need a refund. I don't see you finding anyone on those sites…" she murmured and smiled "I mean, you're better off just meeting someone."

"Yeah, probably so…" I admitted and paused in thought watching the traffic slow to a stop beside us at the next red light. Nearby were trendy lofts, hair salons and a gelato shop with hot neon lights in the window beckoning customers with it's open sign. I spoke "How do you find someone who likes Bogie movies, is athletic, drives a truck and opens the door like a gentleman but believes a woman should have equal rights and appreciates her spunk mixed with a pursuit of being a Proverbs 31 woman? A man who pursues Jesus, adores your softness and femininity and kind heart, your beauty within, but can also in the same sentence say with a smile 'You're ballsy' because he knows your spunk, fire, your spirit… and he genuinely loves it. Where do you find that man?" I asked thoughtfully aloud.

There was no reply.

We didn't have the answer.

But I hope one day I do.


You may be in the same position as I… wondering how you will meet that special someone. And then… after the fact, after you've "clicked" with them… wondering how you will do better this time around in a relationship… a marriage even. If you've been married before, perhaps your mis-steps of where you coulda, shoulda done better are glaringly obvious… as we all have something we can learn from… we all have the chance to learn from our past mistakes and apply learned lessons to our next relationship… as well with growth and maturity know what works and what obviously does not.


I've learned many lessons about marriage… and although I could write a book alone on what I've learned, I've come up with a short condensed list of the top five lessons. Some may prove to leave you nodding in agreement and some may have you pondering your own past experience in retrospect.


5 Lessons Learned From Marriage:

1. Spunk Is Fine… 

But Not Unhealthy Communication

When you're angry… slamming doors and stomping (or yelling) off like a three year old does zero good for anyone. In the very early years of my marriage I was guilty of this and had to consciously work on actually communicating...articulating how I felt and not expecting my mind to be read. Thank God for overcoming! My strength has always been writing but learning to communicate in a healthy manner (versus negative actions we may have had for examples as children) is incredibly vital to a successful relationship. Yes, sometimes we do need a mini break, absolutely and that's okay. But we can also do that in love… we can say "I need a time out. Be right back." and softly retreat, giving ourselves some time… taking a deep breath and then going back to our spouse ready to communicate in a constructive, loving manner. 

2. If It's Really Important To You… Make Sure You Get It

 I married someone who was not romantic, whose perceptive and insightful friend suggested multiple times over the years for him to shower me with moments of romance… candles, bubble baths, home cooked meals made together… but those dreams never came to fruition. Was I disappointed? Yes, terribly… it's still something I yearn for. Many times I tried to broach the subject and tell him how I felt but change for the better never happened. Instead, I was met with grabbing and crass words of "Get your hot $%* over here!" I never want to go through that again. The alternative of being alone is preferable to that. As women we want someone who is tenderhearted toward us… who desires us, who is insightful, who sees us as their best friend, equal and lover. We need to be sure we are completely certain who we are marrying and not sway on what we deem as must haves. 

3. He's Crazy + She's Co-Dependent 

= Unhealthy

Being too dependent. This is a known trait of women who attract men who are manipulative… these men prey knowing their target's kind nature and their tendency to put the relationship's importance/success ahead of their own self importance/worth... and these men use it to their own advantage. I had not spent enough time figuring out who I was before marrying. I also didn't create a niche of my own during my married years as I couldn't stand on my own two feet. To my own detriment and later in the wake of my divorce trying to quickly put my life together was enough to send anyone into near panic mode. It's imperative women don't allow themselves to "be home" all the time in the event he maybe decides to stroll in the door and make his presence. What are you doing with your time? With your life? Yes, if you're pursuing being a good wife and mother you naturally want to make a loving home the center of your focus. Being at home full time today is often viewed with disdain by society when at one time it was for privileged women. But it's so important for women to also have a balance… to not lose themselves and then find themselves in a precarious position later in their marriage… where they have no life of their own, especially in the possible demise of their marriage. What peaks your interest? Volunteering? Working part-time? Full time? Grow and develop yourself. Don't get yourself backed into a corner where you find yourself trying to save your partner's downfall or the relationship as a whole… be aware of these unhealthy patterns. Instead, find what gives you purpose outside the home so your husband does not become a crutch… dependency isn't love in the free sense but actually love cloaked in fear and invisible handcuffs.  

4. A Partnership = A Marriage

Marriage is about having a partnership. It's about coming together in the good, challenging and even hard times. It's not about one person winning, having the upper hand, being fully in control. You will find times when you disagree… and maybe finally you agree to disagree on the subject at hand. In that case perhaps the subject should be dropped and re-approached later on… it's not right for one person to go ahead and make a choice. If a decision must be made… see if there is a middle road that can be reached… both parties should walk away from the conversation feeling good… not bullied into something they feel vehemently opposed to. 

5. Appreciation: 

We Can Tailor It To Our Spouse

We may voice appreciation for our husbands and we know they love these words of love… but could we be a bit more specific? Instead of emitting a general statement of "You're such a great provider!"… maybe a better way would be specifically saying "Thank you for dealing with difficult clients at work and being our provider! I know everyday is not a picnic!" This tells him that you intimately understand the frustrations and workings in his world he encounters each day… whether it's disgruntled clients, customers who don't show up, a boss who behaves like a tyrant or even trying office politics amongst co-workers. When we give our husband concrete examples of what we observe him going through it reassures him that we truly know the hoops and hurdles he must navigate to be our shining hero out in the world each day. And that, ladies… brings a genuine smile to his face. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers;

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

A Marriage Is Far More Important Than The Wedding Day

She's pinning the wedding dresses she adores on Pinterest. She's searching for the perfect wedding ring... pinning possible choices in bridal bouquets, wedding reception locations and honeymoon locales. 

           She's not engaged

She gushes to her friends about how each guy she dates is "the one" and hurries to become exclusive with them... eventually the dizzying courtship taking a fast track destination to splits-ville. Devastated, she mourns the loss of why she isn't married already.... day and night  it plagues her why she doesn't have a "Mrs." attached to her name... she doesn't understand why oh why God is not furnishing her a husband already and if He's going to, why on earth is it taking so long?! 

Whether a woman is twenty two or thirty two or older we can take heart in knowing that getting married is not the be all, end all to life. That may seem foreign to someone who desires to get married right now and have a family.... there is such a thing as a woman's biological clock after all. But even in that there are many important things to consider. 

Having been married I can say that although in a healthy marriage it certainly brings blessings, it's also not the easy path. It's a lot of hard work; it's two people coming together, two lives blending into one which requires (if it's going to be successful) mutual compromise, sharing, communication, sacrifice and purposeful love shown every day. 

                    Marriage is not a 

              self serving relationship.

Marriage is not a romance novel although there may certainly be glimpses of romance here and there (as women we hope so!) if romance is made a priority. But on a day to day basis it's important to remember... marriage is not a sweeping production or a chick flick. 

Marriage is not to be viewed as less important than the actual wedding day. So much attention (and money) is often spent on the wedding day preparations that a lack of sight of what this day is truly about is often unfortunately lost. If more money was spent on pre-marital counseling than the wedding day it would be interesting to see if the currently high statistics for divorce went down. As women it's important to remember that marriage is about much more than the dress we wore the day we said "I do" or the exotic locale we flew to for our honeymoon or worrying what our friends thought of our wedding reception or how much money was spent. Those superficial things are fleeting and yet marriage is to be for as long as we live.... 

Marriage is... 

Honoring God: 

Honoring God and each other. Keeping the vows you each made in the presence of your mind as you make decisions regarding your marriage and how your individual actions could affect your spouse. Praying together brings you both closer to God and in turn closer to each other building a stable bond. When we honor God through wise choices; staying faithful to our spouse, not dabbling in addictions like porn or drugs, and instead live in a serving, gentle spirit that lifts us up in light, not darkness, good things happen in our marriage and life ultimately bringing glory to God for all to see.

Having A Sense of Humor: 

Finding laughter in the midst of sleepless nights and baby raising. There will be macaroni and cheese puked up, there will be high temperatures at 2 am, there will be less than attractive days when your "shower" was fresh deodorant, your hair is askew like you'd shocked yourself and at 3 pm you look down to see there is something questionable spilled on your shirt and yet you have not a clue what it could be nor when exactly it happened. When we marry and look our best we don't always anticipate our spouse seeing us look our worst but it's a true reality one day along with graying hair and failing health. 

Communicating With One Another In Openness, Patience and Trust: 

Communicating is important to a healthy, close marriage even when it's hard, when you're tired or cranky. There will be times when we don't agree with our spouse or we've had a terrible day and maybe need some space or alternatively, comfort... when we don't need a situation fixed but instead want to just be held. There may be occasional times when you're so angry at them you can't see straight, when you are exasperated. There needs to be grace and a knowing that you each always have each others back. No one is perfect and there will undoubtedly be times each of you and your patience will be tested. But if the overall picture is one of kindness and patience toward one another that is a sweet victory. Alternately, there will be times and seasons in life when you feel like you are both so in sync with each other it's like you're floating along water seamlessly without a care in the world.

Sacrifice and Authenticity:

Sacrificing for one another and building each other up. Having conversations where each person feels heard, each spouse is encouraged and every attempt is made so each person's dreams are pursued and no one feels like they've been neglected or used. Each person should feel free to be themselves and not be changed by the other. 

Leading In Love, Not Control:

Having a husband who leads. We want to make certain the man we marry knows the difference between leading in love and controlling like a dictator in the name of "knowing what's best for us." This is easier achieved when we choose someone who prays for God's guidance and lives in God's word. Sometimes we may be sold a facade of a Godly man but we need to use discernment in determining whether he's truly living by God's word. If he has a bible is he reading it? It doesn't do much good if it's gracing his bedside table and unbeknownst to us never opened. Do his actions match up what he preaches from his mouth or are there things that leave you questioning? Are there little things that make you have an unsettled feeling in your gut? There are marriages where one spouse was snowed and the true dark identity of who they married was revealed once settled in the marriage. Make sure you make every effort to truly know the man you are anticipating saying "I do" to. 

Are You Bearing Fruit? 

Like a flourishing tree a good biblical marriage must bear fruit and that begins with the people in it. Is each person living a life in which they are peaceful, loving, filled with joy and gentle? Is your husband a man who is slow to anger or a man who is harsh and brash? Is he continually raising your blood pressure and stress levels by acting out of control; unwilling to curtail his temper, his road rage and a superior attitude? Is he kind to you and to others or is he rude and dismissive? It's important that we choose a Godly man because if we don't we may be living a marriage that resembles a nightmare in which we and then subsequently our children are subjected to chronic abuse whether that be emotional, verbal or physical or a mixture of all the above. 

When we focus on getting married, idolizing marriage and material things like wedding gowns, cakes and rings, we may erroneously lose sight of the fact that marriage is not the be all end all to life. That being single does not make us less than. God wants us to follow Him whether we are single or married. He can work wonderful things through us regardless of whether we are a Miss, Mrs or Ms. The goal in life is not to have a dream wedding and then assume our work is done but to know that God loves us no matter what course our life takes and that if we are allowing God by surrendering to Him to refine us to His desire.... 

that alone is a dream come true. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

                To My Readers: 

               Thank you for reading, 

             commenting and sharing! 

What Women Like: Romance + Godly Character

"I know what women like!" my son announced to me with a confident tone in his voice. 

Amused, I had to hear what his pearls of wisdom were and paused, setting aside the box I had been unpacking filled with his legos and Lionel train accessories. 

"Oh, really?" I raised an eyebrow with a grin... "Tell me." I prompted him.

Excited to share his thoughts, he continued. 

"They like romance, sunsets, walks on the beach. They like you to tell them they are beautiful. Oh! And they like cruises. They REALLY like cruises!" my son added with certainty. 

I wasn't sure why he was so adamant about cruises but as we talked in more depth about what women like I realized he had placed romance before morals and Godly character. I made a mental note to myself that it was important to discuss a man's character in on-going conversations with him as being what women want also... because if we don't have a man of good moral character is a cruise really such a draw for us? 

Romance is like icing on a cupcake and without it our dating or marital relationships might be equated to a boring muffin. Add icing to the top and suddenly there is desire... sweetness and sparks flying from the candle atop it lit. But depending on the person romance doesn't always come easy. For some it comes easier than others... but when it does come easy... even then, there is such a thing as so many hours in a day, limited energy and perhaps creativity. 

Romance takes at least some effort on the part of each individual and despite the enjoyment of (expensive) cruises, much of showing how we feel for the one we love is in the little everyday things... showing the other person your appreciation for them. A lack of romance leads to staleness, boredom and feeling a sense of just going through the motions in life. We can choose to actively romance our spouse each and every day through small gestures of love and appreciation.

Attraction is obviously a good thing and what may initially bring two people together. Yet how often does someone's personality and character make them even more attractive to us? Attraction is of course desired in any relationship between a couple that is married or dating. If we marry someone whom we are not attracted to we will undoubtedly run into some problems later down the road. The last thing any of us would want to do in a marital relationship is to unwittingly jip the person we are spending the rest of our life with or ourselves by realizing later we simply lack any chemistry and are merely remaining stuck in the friend zone.

With that being said, beauty also comes from within; in the Godly character of each spouse and is incredibly important in terms of choosing who we marry. Man's automatic fleshly desire is to choose someone based on the outward   appearance. But the Lord always looks at our heart. Someone may marry "eye candy" and gush about what "beautiful babies" they will make. But what is this attraction or union solely based on? Lust? Image? Narcissim? We can all look intently at what our driving force is in who we are choosing to date and one day marry. 

Have you ever been around someone who was stunningly beautiful on the outside but inside had an ugly heart and treated those around them as inferior? Have you ever known someone who you found physically attractive on a lukewarm level but were all the more attracted to once you got to know them and realized what an incredibly wonderful person they were? 

Naturally we all want someone we are physically attracted to but we need to remain cognizant that the other attraction we must search for is biblical. We can remember that our inner warmth and genuineness from within shines brightly more and more as time goes by... 

and inner beauty aka Godly character is worth far more than any fleeting superficial appearance. 

Romance & Attraction: 

Some of the most important things a man can ask.... 

What makes her light up from within? 

What makes her heart light and free? 

What makes her heart happy and smile? 

What makes her draw closer to me in regards

 to MY CHARACTER?…

 not in worldly things like materialism and cruises. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

              To My Readers: 

              Thank you for reading, 

            commenting and sharing!