In Bed With A Narc: The Sound Of Silence

“The Bedroom” by jk1991 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

spring 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

We sat in my SUV with our seats reclined… the sunroof opened to the night sky… stars twinkled overhead and the evening breeze swept through our shared space. The silence between us albeit the radio playing softly was comfortable and not one that had to be filled with unnecessary chit chat for filler but instead were like long thoughtful pauses that loosely strung one beautiful expression to another. Our stomachs were full from a quick impromtu dinner at IHOP…we shared a love for breakfast and deep conversations… we held no filters and could talk for hours about any subject… it was both liberating and comforting.

"You remember how you told me sex was one sided with him?" He asked me referring to my ex… "How it was about what he wanted? Not about pleasing you?"

I nodded "Yeah…"

He glanced over at me with care. "It got me to thinking. You know you deserve better, right? You know whoever you're with should want to do that for you… to please you?" He asked me.

"Yeah…" I replied. "I know that now… and to be fair initially in the beginning of our marriage he initiated oral sex… but it wasn't comfortable. Call it inexperience or being asthmatic but it was more like a wind tunnel experience than pleasurable."I grimaced. "I just said forget it. I didn't have the patience at least back then for him to figure it out… but looking back now…" I reflected… "Now I realize the other part of it… I didn't want him to. I kept myself closed off to some extent… when someone is always "checking out the menu" when you're out in public, when someone doesn't pay the taxes for three years and you have the IRS tailing you, when you have someone who they've chosen as their best friend that actually had the audacity to say "The worse you treat women the more they want you"… Um, yeah… you just don't really want to be vulnerable with that person." I shook my head. "Why would you feel safe letting them see you at one of your most private and vulnerable moments? How can you feel safe and loved to allow them to bring you to orgasm? You don't. So you close yourself off." I fiddled with my ring of an eagles head on my right hand, twirling it… "So you go without…" I shrugged, my words trailing into silence but within me feeling the grief of more than a decade of being cheated out of the physical connection I'd missed out on. It was bewildering that so much time had passed and so much of what could have been was lost. Lyrics to a song playing ever so softly filtered through the interior, the trees nearby rustling in the breeze, ruffling my hair….

"Fools," said I, "you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you."

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence…"

"The Sound Of Silence" - Disturbed
(originally by Simon & Garfunkel)


Silence… the kind that divides, the kind where there is a lack of understanding and communication… the kind that makes people feel alone. Like a cancer, that kind of silence slowly worsens and grows into an incurable disease between husband and wife. Before long… you realize that you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of love and emotionally inept. Someone who is incapable of making you feel treasured. Who is incapable of satisfying you physically. You realize you've wasted years… years on end with someone who was in it for themselves… and you feel jipped. You long for what you never got with someone who will love you with their whole heart, body and soul…  and for now it only exists in your dreams.

"Yeah…" He nodded. "I can see that. You shouldn't settle. The guy should want to make you happy, to please you and figure out what he needs to do to do that. He shouldn't be just focused on himself. He should be a giver… because if he's pleasing you… he will be pleased." He shrugged… "That's just the way it works." He said simply.

"You are such the sexpert…" I giggled, playfully swatting his arm. "You should write a book."

He grinned. "I'm working on one. Hey… I'm no saint. I've been around the block a few times. But I can tell you I want the next woman, my wife, to be my last. And pleasing her is not just my job but my pleasure." He glanced at the time on the clock… "What time do you need to get back?"

I glanced at the time. "I better get going. I promised my mom I'd be home soon. Were gonna watch a Hallmark movie." I smiled.

He nodded, smiled and opened his door, slipping out. Holding the passenger door open a crack he spoke. "Enjoy your movie… IHOP again?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in the dark at me.

I nodded. "Most definitely. I'll text you." I told him.

"Okay… bye, beautiful" He smiled and shut the door. I turned the key in the ignition and watched him walk away in the moonlight to his vehicle before I drove away.

*****************

Sex with a narcissistic sociopath is one-sided no doubt. It's not about a mutually satisfying emotional, physical and even spiritual connection with someone they love. A man or woman with a personality disorder views sex as all about them.

When someone is healthy they not only value their partner but they value wanting to please them, value wanting to find out what makes them tick, what satisfies, what is romantic, what is a turn on for them. Both partners should have respect for one another… intimacy cannot grow and thrive without it. Complete trust and and open honest communication is a must as well… being able to articulate exactly what you need is essential for couples to have the intimacy they have imagined having one day with the one they love. Holding back desires and needs, faking climax and the like are not conducive to having a close, intimate relationship that bonds two together.

Sadly, very often with a narcissistic sociopath the sound of silence in the bedroom is loud and clear, impossible to ignore. 

The reason for this is due to the inability to effectively get what one needs from a personality disordered individual. You can say "I need x,y,z…" all night long but he or she isn't going to be willing to deliver. He or she will complain that "it takes too long, "takes too much effort", whatever myriad of excuses they can come up with. There isn't love emanating from the narc for the one their with. Instead it's a seeking of domination…. a sexual conquest powered by their ego needing a boost or even yikes (!) a quick way to release all their days, weeks, lifetime worth of frustrations and stress by using you. It's not about making love as God designed between a married man and woman. It's about control and only them. If you find yourself in a marriage where your partner (man or woman) is only about satisfying themselves and you're continually going without… at minimum new ways of communicating need to begin taking place. However, if you a woman experiencing signs of being with a narcissistic man  or you're a man who suspects he may be married to a narcissistic woman… it's time to seek help… through a therapist you can begin developing an exit plan.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Dating A Narcissist: 3 More Red Flags

“Close Up Of A Man Using Mobile Phone” by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

December 2015 

********************

I sat across from my therapist in skinny jeans and a black hoodie discussing the patterns I had begun noticing during the short course of my recent relationship. I explained how the small signs eventually grew to such large red flags I was no longer able to minimize or ignore them.

"It was unreal… the amount of text messages he was sending… page after page of rambling texts about his love, sentiment and passion for me… along with a constant update of his day no matter how minute.  I'd send a quick reply, or not respond because I couldn't or didn't see a need to… and yet an hour or so later there would be another string of texts." I paused and then continued "The odd thing was even after I initially mentioned how he was texting so much he didn't let up. He even went so far as to say that he didn't need me to respond, that he was fine with just sending me his thoughts…" I trailed off, thinking how very narcissistic of him.

She sat across from me and shook her head "I'm wondering how on earth he worked and accomplished anything during the day… if he's sending you this many texts. These aren't really texts… this is more like journaling." She pointed out.

I nodded and agreed "I had thought the same thing. And if a guy is texting you that much you have to wonder how much quality time he's spending with his child… it makes you question him as a father. I even pointed that out to him. He came back with excuses. Everything became a red flag as the relationship progressed. He began pushing to want to move in with me. I told him that I wasn't living with a man unless we were married and we needed to take things slow. He said it made more financial sense to live together. Ha! Toward the end I began seeing signs that his "walk with God" didn't match what was biblically correct. That was yet another sign."

She concurred and spoke "I definitely see red flags."

We chatted a little more and finally she smiled at me with a sigh of relief "But you know now…  you saw the signs and heeded them. And I will tell you that in the first three months of dating someone is when we decide what are the deal breakers… and when we typically see any red flags. So what are you wanting to do now?" She asked.

"My mother says I'm too closed off, that I'm not receptive to men." I told her.

She nodded "Well, you do have to be open. You can meet someone anywhere… at the museum, a sporting event, even the grocery store. But you have to make eye contact, smile and speak."

"Yeah…"I trailed off.

She peered at me "What age man are you thinking you'd be interested in?"

"I'm not into zip lining, scuba diving, Six Flags, all that. I think it makes it really hard when you're not. My age group from what I've gathered on the dating sites seem to gravitate toward that stuff. I would enjoy a date seeing a show and having dinner, maybe a play or a movie…get dessert, go to the museum… I'm thinking a little older might be a better match." I told her.

She nodded "I would agree… although generally speaking not all thirty five year old men are immature. There are exceptions."

I spoke "I'm thinking the oldest around forty nine, fifty" I told her. "I just turned thirty nine."

She concurred "I wouldn't go any older than that… I'd try to stay around forty five. I've had many couples meet on the dating sites match and eharmony." She informed me "Have you considered those?"

"Yes" I nodded "The online dating thing kinda scares me."

She grinned "That's what I'm here for. You print off their profile and bring it to me. I'll take a look."

I smiled and nodded, thanking her.


At the beginning of a new relationship we may be so giddy and high from the chemical feelings that accompany new love that we aren't thinking clearly. But it's so important that we stay grounded and watch for signs that we are with someone that isn't truly capable of loving us… but more like putting us through grief and heartbreak. In my recent relationship there were so many red flags… here are three more I observed…


1. During my parents marriage everything revolved around what my father wanted to do. He chose the trips, the meals, the homes purchased, the repairs done, the furniture bought, the vehicles driven, etc. My mother had zero voice in nearly forty years of marriage… if she tried to speak up and assert what she wanted, fits, pouting and passive aggressive behavior on his part like driving erratically in the car to intimidate her would ensue. I soon began to notice similar behaviors with the man I dated… he always pushed for the restaurant he wanted to eat at… he whined I had taken a trip and he would have liked to have gone… it was 99.9% of the time about what he wanted to do. A man who behaves like a man knows it's not all about him… that it takes two people to be considered a couple, to be in a relationship… and remembers that his partner should have a voice and decision making in what she wants as well.


2. My twelve year marriage was devoid of passion and chemistry. Many people who have been with narcissists and sociopaths have stated that the sex was passion filled. Perhaps some narcissists and sociopaths are skilled in the bedroom… my marriage was not one that fit that description. Our sex life was more comparable to my painful "going through the motions with crossed arms" and a "let's get this over with" type scenario. When you live like that for so long it can't be helped but to feel incredibly jipped… when one partner is more focused on their quick release(!) than actually taking the time for both people to enjoy the moment mutually. So imagine my surprise when one kiss with the man I dated made me want more… chemistry so electrifying that I was somewhat blushingly caught off guard at how he made me feel with the cup of my face and his lips on mine. He began to talk about all the things he wanted to do after we married; him voicing his burning desire to please me sexually one day as a husband. His future intentions murmured in my ear amidst forehead kisses soon became a red flag. The issue was his soon all-consuming focus on it that set off my radar and made me begin to cringe... our future sex life appeared to be his main focus, not just one of the many important elements that make up a relationship. Soon it wasn't really all about the idea of pleasing me one day but instead puffing how brilliant his skills were. As I began to hear more and more I considered giving him a gold sticker for patting himself on the back… but then came to the conclusion he'd already started his own sticker collection.


3. Empaths are guilty of being people pleasers, givers, ready to help to a fault and over extending themselves. They often find it difficult to set boundaries with people… especially those of a narcissistic nature as narc's are typically always takers and users. As my relationship progressed I began feeling used, noticing he always needed a favor… he needed to store some things at my place, he needed to do some laundry at my place, he needed me to drive, etc. It was always something it seemed. And yet when the night came that I needed some assurance he was there for me… he was unwilling and going to sleep. (You can read that post here) The stark difference in our behaviors shone brightly and I cringed at each incident… silently tallying, chalking up yet more points against him… him blindly losing me more and more each day until I could no longer remain silent, confronted him and abruptly broke it off.


When it comes to dipping our feet back in the dating pool we can try to look at it from a positive viewpoint… yes, we will have bad days and wonder if we will ever meet someone healthy. But those of us who have been with narcissists and sociopaths we ourselves are a work in progress getting healthy… we are practicing setting boundaries and healthy expectations not only for ourselves but for the relationship and person we will one day marry. Realizing we are dating another narcissist is not the end of the world… disappointing? Without a doubt, yes. But with each person we are gaining strength and putting our knowledge to the test… we are looking for red flags and becoming better at pinpointing them sooner than before. We are becoming confident and less doubtful of signs we need to heed. And with each relationship we are one step closer to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves… so we can be ready to not just fall in love with someone amazing but most importantly… not lose ourselves doing it.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

The Narc, Sexual Addiction & Their Kids: 5 Tips

“Sex Keyword On A Cork Board” by artur84 via freedigitalphotos.net

July 2015 

names have been omitted in this post

**************

Hearing the air conditioning come on and smelling the scent of coconut hand cream hanging in the humid interior I pattered with bare feet into the kitchen. In it's dark shadows I reached for the handle on the fridge and yanked it open. Peering inside with the light that shone outward at me I surveyed with quick eyes what it contained… my eyes narrowed at it's contents… a bag of salad, a jar of salsa, a package of bacon. It was time to go grocery shopping, I thought to myself, making a mental note to do that the next day and plucked one of the last Yoplait yogurts from the glass shelf. Ripping the little top wrapper off I absentmindedly licked off the smudge of yogurt on it and then tossed it in the trash… grabbing a spoon from the utensil drawer I heard my mother call out from the next room.

"You up?" She called to me.

I made my way to the den and stood in the doorway with my late night snack.

"I can't cycle down. Big shock, I know." I told her dryly.

"I couldn't sleep either, so I got up to clip coupons. Exciting, huh?" She replied with a wry grin as she sat on the taupe couch. She cut out coupons by the light of the lamp beside her. I snorted in response and took a seat on the opposite end wearing knee length black leggings and an oversized faded t-shirt, tucking my legs under me. I'd recently gotten my hair cut into a long bob and now pulled it up into only what one could call the bam bam hairdo like on the Flintstones.

"So… how did it go today? Your conversation with her?" My mother asked me.


I twisted the hair elastic round my nimble fingers and spoke "It went alright… I feel good about the conversation. I believe it went well... I kept it very simple and emphasized that any and all questions are welcome." I told her. Earlier that day my daughter and I had watched a sermon online we had missed at church one recent Sunday… our pastor had tackled the issue of sex and the importance of it's confinement to only marriage based on God's word. In the sermon he briefly touched on the importance of faithfulness between a husband and wife and how easy it is for the sin of sex outside marriage to infiltrate our lives affecting us in physical and spiritual ways years down the road we never saw coming nor were prepared for. Afterward we'd had a discussion about what we had watched and then a birds and the bees talk. Her initial reaction was about what I had expected for most kids her age… "Ew" and "I'm never getting married."

But as we discussed the realities of what God desires for us in our relationships where intimacy is concerned it became clear to her that "infidelity" and "cheating" were not merely just going on dates behind your spouses back, that being unfaithful was not just kissing someone other than who you were married to but much much more… as she became more enlightened through our birds and the bees discussion it also became glaringly obvious just what exactly her father had been doing when he was unfaithful and even now as an unmarried man. Her expression grew from shock to disgust. There was no more keeping that stink in the bag… it was out and exposed in bright light.


I spoke as I dipped my spoon in the yogurt cup. "As a society were surrounded by sex, it's thrown in our faces constantly, were consistently advertised a barrage of sensuality and lust. Have you watched the Bachelorette? Did you see that guy Ben Z? Hello? Have you flipped through any magazines and noticed Scott Foley in the Charisma ads? There's certainly no lack of attractive men to put you in a hot and heavy state… but we are instructed to rebuke it and push past it. We are to cling to God's word and flee from sin. A few minutes of gratification? We pay for that a long time, for some a lifetime. We know that the devil tempts us through deceitful lies… like sex is no big deal, were already too far gone in our sin, this is just a little sin or grace is redefined as the green light to do anything we please because were already forgiven, right? If it's not what God wants for us we should respect that… that He made sex to be within the safety net of marriage… because He knows what is best for us and wants us to live a fruitful life not one of damage and regret… "

My mother nodded "True… I guess what makes me angriest is the fact he's making poor choices that are being paraded in front of his daughter." She told me referring to my ex and our daughter.

"Hey… go sin all you want behind closed doors… go sin your pants off… go act like an animal and get yer freak on… It's sadly no secret the devil has some people firmly in his grasp, that the power of evil is in full force in their lives… we may not agree with some folks choices but at the very least please don't do it around the kids!" I stressed. "That's my gripe. It's ridiculous that some people don't have the basic common sense to not parade their sex life outside of marriage around children. This isn't a soap opera he's living, it's our kid's childhood and I don't appreciate him screwing it up. If you can't control yourself any better than that or choose not to… then just don't have custody… hand her over and go live your life in a perpetual sex driven state… because he clearly can't be a spiritual compass… heck, forget the spiritual aspect for a second. At this point… it's just about basic empathy… someone who doesn't believe in Christ can have that…. why would you want to put your child through a childhood that isn't in their best interests? This is a basic." I pointed out. "If you're that deficit and can't see that you're selfish and need to change then you have no business having custody… at least until you get some help."

***************

Sexual impurity and at worse sexual addiction (an unyielding desire to have sex) can seriously impact and affect a family, whether intact or divided by divorce. It's imperative that when our children are of an appropriate age we have open discussions based on their maturity level regarding sexual impurity. Ideally children would be shielded from an environment where the adults in their life are engaging in sexually immoral behavior and regardless must be assured that they are not to blame for the adults poor choices in their life.

Sex addiction is no more about sex than other addictive behaviors… gambling is not really about gambling or nail biting about nails… instead it's merely a symptom of a greater issue… typically anxiety, depression, impulse control issues, low esteem or shame. Narcissists and Sociopaths are known to have sex addictions. 

The effects on our children witnessing a sexually immoral relationship under the same roof they reside in are long lasting… children grow up believing that the behaviors they are surrounded by are normal; what is expected in their own relationships one day… leading to promiscuity, emotional soul ties and a life of sexual sin. 

Folks who engage in infidelity show signs of a sexual addiction as it interferes with their marriage and family…. and need intervention through counseling to stop. When someone chooses to take part in an extramarital affair they are putting their own overwhelming need for physical gratification ahead of their family's needs. Hence, the addict is willing to risk losing everything in their life to pursue their sexual satisfaction. Men (and women) who pressure their partners to have threesomes and take part in sexual acts that they aren't comfortable with ultimately don't care about the person they are married to… 

The truth is, you could be anyone and nothing you do or say can change the person you're with for the better.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If You're Married To Someone With A Sex Addiction:

1. You cannot change them. They have to want to change and then take the actions necessary.

2. You don't have to tolerate any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe or demeaned. You have every right to set boundaries and if those don't work to walk away. You have the right to a full std panel test.

3. You have the right to demand your spouse join a sex addiction support group or at least one on one counseling. You have the right to enter counseling on your own.

4. You have the right to come to the final determination that your marriage will not survive and choose divorce.

5. You have the right to look out for your own emotional, mental and physical health. You can begin your path of recovery and healing by putting yourself and your children first.

RELATED POSTS: 

SEX AND THE NARCISSISTIC MALE

CHEATING: OFF THE NARROW PATH STEP BY STEP

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

The Foundation Of A Christian Marriage: 3 Tips

“Blueprints” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Building a great marriage based on God's word takes time, dedication and work. It's similar to building a house… if we don't begin with the basic foundation and check the blueprints, our house won't be very solid… it might even crumble, yikes.

We don't want to go into marriage believing in God yet then ironically not include Him in our marital relationship… that seems so silly yet it actually happens. Intentional? Probably not but it's damaging just the same. We want to be intentional in our marriages and our relationship with the Lord. Otherwise we just might wake up one day years into our marriage and see the glaring truth before us… yes, we believe in God yet we didn't once contemplate what He wanted for us and our marriage… instead we ignored our bibles, we didn't read good solid teaching and articles on what makes a successful Christian marriage and we didn't look to other couples who are in those solid marriages through our church and community or even seek our pastor for counsel when needed. 


We can see that the key difference is commitment versus merely stamping a religious label or denomination on ourselves such as Protestant, Catholic, Baptist, etc and thinking our work is done. It goes back to the question Kyle Idleman poses in his book Not A Fan… are we mere fans or followers? As Christians our marriage should reflect actively following Christ not just being a fan… this means actions hold much more weight than pretty words. 


So what can we do as believers to cultivate a great marriage that includes God?

There are several points to consider: Here are 3… 


1. As a couple it's so important to take the time to read the bible together or even side by side and then taking the time to discuss. Also, reading articles on marriage that are Christian based can help bring discussion to the table for a couple… what is your perspective of the advice in it? Do you see any of those issues in your own marriage? Receiving daily devotionals sent to your email and sharing the ones that hit home for you with your spouse can lead to conversation as well.

PRAYER IS LIKE ACTIVELY TAKING YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATION; if you know pollen and grass make you break out in hives you'd likely take your medicine right? Of course you would; it would act as your preventative against catastrophe. Reading the bible together as a couple is kinda the same thing… when we are pro-active and pray life over our relationship versus neglecting it's health we are doing a good thing!


2. It's important that both spouses are partners…. one particular verse may become twisted to ones own liking… 

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.

Ephesians 5:23-32

Husbands may believe that since the scripture states their wife must submit to them that they then have the authority and discretion to do anything and everything they choose… however unloving. But the scripture is clear that husbands are to love their wives. It reminds us of a domino effect. If a husband is loving his wife; leading her toward God and making sound decisions that reflect Christ not the world… then his wife will gladly submit. Conversely, if a husband is not loving his wife and is treating her poorly, maybe even with emotional or physical abuse it only stands to reason that she may not feel loved by him… actions speak volumes and if a husband is behaving more like a jailer than a follower of Christ his wife and marriage will suffer. 

Partnership is vital in a marriage; one person is not worth more in Christ's eyes whether man or woman… both bring wonderful, different but VALUABLE qualities to the table. 

She may be weaker than you are, but she is your 
equal partner in God's gift of new life.

Husbands when leading should do so with love not anger, wrath and control 

Remember that you each have a right to be heard, to calmly and respectfully relay any concerns you have regardless of whether it is finances, in-laws, children, sex or even a vacation or new purchase. When we take the time to really hear (not just be ready with our response) what our spouse wants it shows we care and that their perspective is just as important… this can only serve to bring couples closer together rather than pushing them apart. 

3. Couples need to protect their marriage from outside forces… satan is delighted to use any and all tactics he can to infiltrate a marriage; to annihilate love and any sweet expression of it. Satan's number one goal is to destroy… namely family. If the devil can destroy a marriage he will divide a husband, wife and children. Sex was created by God for married couples to show their love to one another and for procreation… it's so incredibly important for husbands and wives to utilize the tools they are given to protect their intimate relationship.

If you're struggling with emotions from a past relationship that included sex.. (or even that didn't) and it's overshadowing your marriage it's so essential to pray for forgiveness to God… just be honest with Him and admit this is a struggle and that you need help. Repent and commit anew to your marriage… follow God's will for your life; be obedient to Him, ask for strength and that no weapons formed against your marriage may prosper. 

Shield yourself and your spouse from any potential sexual sin so it doesn't infiltrate your marriage; say no to porn and filth on the television screen, share email accounts and keep strong boundaries between yourselves and those of the opposite sex…  turn to God and ask Him to chisel your mindset so that you each honor one another and show love in the healthiest of ways that please Him. God wants us to enjoy a relationship of sweet intimacy with our loved one and when we do that in the purest of ways it is sacred, unmarred and full of joy. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS: 

Expectations In Our Relationships: 4 Tips

Couple Spat On Aisle 5: 3 Tips

50 Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ

Sex And The Narcissistic Male

Let's talk about sex….

and the Narcissistic Male. 


Sex is everywhere it seems… in the media, music, movies and advertising. In our modern world today we are bombarded daily with the subtle whisper of sensuality to the other extreme... an in your face, can't be missed type campaign.

It goes without saying that an addictive desire for sex holds great dominance in a narcissist's life…

and obviously enough 

the sex is self-focused at that. 

Sex is by definition supposed to be about two people coming together, focused on each other, making love, giving each other satisfaction and showing how much they care for one another. Each gives the other pleasure, affirming their deep love for another.

Naturally that would be expected of two healthy people joined in love before God. But what about when one of those people is of a narcissistic nature? Is it even possible to have a healthy intimate marriage? Unfortunately, the disappointing answer to that question is no.

When it comes to love making in a marriage just coming together in the physical sense isn't enough… there is an entire part of the equation that involves emotional intimacy, a spiritual connection in two becoming one.

When it comes to a narcissist's "love making" it's really about them making love to themselves. You are a tool, a means for them to reach their destination but essentially it comes down to them merely masturbating... yet their using your body along the super highway to ecstasy… after it's reached, the grand finale has passed...  you lie there wondering why you feel like you were forgotten somewhere along the road some time back. It feels empty, like you could be just anyone, as if you are just a shell of a human they need to perform their self-fulfilling pleasure and then you're discarded afterward.

This is no way to live… 

to live a life that as we all know is undeniably fleeting.

 God gave us sex to be enjoyed within the parameters of marriage and that enjoyment should be mutual not one sided. 

A narcissist's view of sex within a marriage holds a limited, selfish and stunted one. My own outlook was already affected by a past trauma (rape) before I married. This is common for anyone who has had a traumatic experience... for their view of sex to perhaps be affected. Naturally needing someone healthy more than anything, someone who was a soft place, a place of understanding, a place that included respect and who knew that sex didn't include strings, deals, bargaining, guilt trips, or shaming… it unfortunately screamed of the latter. It made me hate sex. But now… with time I've realized that's not really true… we may come to believe we hate something… but later over time and hindsight look back and the truth hits us… we don't hate it at all. We hate what it did to us. We hate the way it made us feel. Cheap, used, like nothing but a blow up doll… like we could have been anyone. We realize now more than ever that what we had in our marriage wasn't healthy and that's why we medicated with a pint of ice cream, that's why we became defensive, that's why we felt like just going through the motions to get it over with already… why if we made an innocent but revealing comment to a friend that "I'd rather have a slice of cake than have sex" we'd feel their eyes on us… we instinctively knew by the glance they gave us with a furrowed brow that something just. isn't. right. That deep down we should want to be desired by our husband and want him as well. We begin to realize that we are on a dry island all alone… devoid of intimacy and even though we crave it… we just can't seem to grasp it with who were married to.

It's one thing to occasionally not feel up to sex... sometimes we truly feel exhausted, we really do have a splitting migraine or were sick. But if we always find ourselves trying to get out of it... it's time to face some serious questions:

How does our spouse make us feel about sex? 

Do we feel it's expected out of "duty" or obligation? 

Do we feel shamed or pressured? 

When it comes to sex a narcissist goes straight to the main event… foreplay is a waste of time… and when it comes to pleasing you… likely you will be met with grumbles of "it takes too long…" and his gratification usually if not always comes first. He may withhold any pleasure for you. Your body is not your own, it belongs to him and him alone… remember when OJ Simpson grabbed Nicole's crotch and was quoted saying "This is where babies come from and this belongs to me"? The Narcisstic male objectifies you… and it slowly chips away at you bit by bit. The flip side is you always feel indebted… as if you always owe him between the sheets. Because he's vocal of what he's done for you… how much he works, how hard he has it, how you don't appreciate anything he does (yet you actively vocalize your appreciation all the time) and shames you into having sex because he's done "x,y,z" for you. Before long… you wish he'd do nothing for you… because you don't want your tab to continue running sky high… you're exhausted, you're spent and you look in the mirror wondering why you feel so drained physically and mentally yet he's like the energizer bunny who never gets a full fix… who keeps going and going.

Narcissists Are Addicted To Sex

Narcissist's are addicted to sex… their desire is never quenched…. they have an insatiable appetite that must be fed. They are known for cheating… for having affairs, for having sex with prostitutes, taking risks and living a life filled with lies, deceit and never really showing their hand. It's ironic that he has all the control over your body, your desires, your pleasure yet he also chooses what to do behind your back. He makes the rules, be assured that he believes he owns you and yet despite any and all protestations on your part he doesn't care or listen… your needs and feelings fall on deaf ears.


One of the most important aspects of intimacy in marriage is sex… it's important for a man, as it's how he is wired… the affirmation of love is wrapped up in sex. A man pursues romancing a woman out of a passionate affection for her. A woman wants to feel emotionally safe and loved by him, her love affirmed for him with sex. There has to be mutual respect for one another… respect is essential for healthy sex between a couple... for one person to not feel merely as a pawn.


When we truly love someone we want to nurture them, we want to have empathy toward them so we can love them better, deeper over time… marriage is supposed to be a safety net for couples, a place where unconditional love abounds… where we know and love one another on the deepest level humans can possibly have.


That is God's design… 

It's beautiful and should be fed…

to be allowed to shine…

not dirtied with everything love isn't.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

this was an important post to write,
 as I believe many are suffering behind closed doors 
not knowing that there can be peace after being 
married to someone of a narcissistic nature. 
You don't have to suffer, you are not alone, 
God sees your pain and loves you unconditionally. 

you can heal... 

God is a healer of hurts

Related Posts: 

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/when-marriage-equals-prostitution.html

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Romantic Ideas + Your Spouse = Shining Love

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/romantic-ideas-your-spouse-shining-love.html

Divorce: 6 Things You Don't Expect

November 2012 

names have been omitted in this post

*****************

She pushed the red shopping cart past the produce and bakery toward the deli meat section. The scent of freshly baked goods motioned me toward them like a silent lure… the sweet scent of cinnamon, sugar and cream cheese topping muffins, pastries and donuts called my name… I had inherited the sweet tooth that seemed to plague every person in my family. I sighed... once again giving in. I lightly touched my mother's arm and told her "Be right back…" and strode over to the tables adorned in boxed brownie bites, chocolate chip cookies tied in cellophane and rectangular boxes holding danish. Danish… my brown green tinged eyes spied. Yum… danish warmed in the oven as an after dinner treat sounded wonderful. It became a running joke throughout my divorce I had jumped on what I affectionately called the "Danish Diet"… it wasn't a "diet" at all as most think of, as I considered the word in that sense a four letter word… but instead it was a diet of fluffy danish topped in cream cheese and icing most evenings winding down in front of the television. I reappeared with the Market Pantry danish box placing it in the cart and my mother chuckled under her breath not at all surprised. As she perused the deli meat section trying to decide which brand of bacon was best to purchase in regards to gluten free, I meanwhile looked around at my surroundings… it was Saturday and the ratio of men without wives but with children was noticeably larger… or was it? A month into my divorce, it hadn't taken long for me to notice patterns… being out and about… noticing there was a larger group of men sans wedding rings out on Saturdays with their kids than I had noticed before when ensconced in my previous life as a married woman. Had it always been this way and I just hadn't noticed?

There was suddenly this whole new world 

I'd been introduced to and

 it was like a silent announcement of:

 "Hello! 

You are now entering new territory… 

you are leaving the old world 

behind as you knew it…

 and now you are part of this 

new world you'd never 

really noticed before." 

This is so odd… these are all single dads… I realized… it was "Daddy's weekend" clearly and I watched a thirty-something year old man still scruffy from waking up that morning with stubble and a mass of hair coax his daughter to follow him as she clung to a box of Lucky Charms, adamant they were getting them by the scowl on her face… he looked somewhat exasperated and definitely tired… our eyes met and I gave him a "you poor thing" look which made him smile back, then relent on his anti Lucky Charm stance… his daughter happily skipping toward him in her ruffled skirt and tights in merry victory. Realizing there was this whole other world of single moms and dads I hadn't really experienced or realized due to being married it wasn't expected. And yet I'm sure like everyone else who has gone through a divorce or will in the future there are things in general we don't expect to encounter… things that change, that perhaps were always there but weren't realized because they weren't part of our own experience before. 

6 Things You Don't Expect Regarding Divorce: 

1. Your ex is the "parent police". You know how when you're married and school fundraiser night comes up? You know… that night where you go eat a burger or taco dinner and a certain percentage of the money goes toward something new your kids school needs? When you're married and part of a family unit and mommy is exhausted and says "Hey, guys… I'm pooped tonight. Why don't we blow off the fundraiser and instead order pizza and watch a movie?" That's not quite how it works when you're divorced. Because even though the kids may be on your time and yes, you may really have a throbbing headache and feel like crud… you're expected to suck it up and go. Because the "other side" you know… the ex… he is going to phone and say: "The kids tell me you aren't going to the fundraiser. Is there a problem? Obviously there is. Maybe you need to step it up and be a better parent." You sit there holding the phone in your hand thinking… you've got to be kidding me… since when are my choices on my time with my kids being policed? It was never this way before. Yeah… I know and it's annoying as all get out… and yet as time goes on and you settle into your new role as a single parent you won't care what he says. Do your thing and make the decisions you believe to be best. 

2. The anger eventually passes. Yes, it's hard to believe it when you're in the throes of seeing red and the mental narrative of "I hate you so much right now" (wasn't that a song?)…  but the anger does slowly, finally(!) melt away. What replaces it? Sadness. There will be sadness that this was how it all ended, that it didn't work regardless if your ex is a walking case of crazy. There will always be this small part of you that yearns for that family unit and grieves it. And yet… it's possible to have that complete family unit again. Never say never.

3. People pick sides. There will always be sides chosen and sometimes there are people you genuinely liked in your life as a married couple… but often due to the fact they were originally friends of your ex… they choose him and you let them. Yes, you may miss them and think of them from time to time… but you realize if you've been in a toxic marriage and divorce it's best in the long run to move on and not let the two worlds co-mingle. You wish them the best and hope life is treating them well. 

4. You have more balance. I was shocked to discover that being divorced brings more balance to life. Being married, especially if you're a stay at home mom (which has it's definite perks, you have more time with your kids… and this isn't by any means encouraging divorce) means you're always on the job… 24/7 and yet with that there isn't always much time for friends, for exercise, relaxing and pursuing what you want in the form of goals and dreams. Being divorced brings more balance to your life when you share custody of your children and yes, the weeks you don't have them are your extended break. Another reality of divorce that wasn't at all expected.

5. You miss sex. It may make you blush and yet it's true. The second you aren't having sex it seems that is when it's most missed… yet not necessarily with who you were married to. I truly believe sex is already a jip when you've been married to someone who always treated the sacred act of sex within a marriage as though it was a "deal to be made", a "transfer of goods", etc. If you've never had a relationship/marriage where sex brought you together in a loving, healthy and selfless manner and it's something you've already yearned for, for that wonderful connection, it's most likely a desire for your marriage the next time around. Waiting for the right person who will love you like that and you will love also is absolutely worth it. Don't settle for something less than… hold out for what you want, what you believe to be best for yourself and the person you will be with one day.

6. You will realize you should have gotten out sooner. Way sooner. We always think it will get better but often those are just lies of denial we tell ourselves. I wish now I had gotten out years ago. Yes, there are some folks who give up far too easily and too soon. Maybe their issues are very minimal compared to others. But for people with big issues that affect the very core of the relationship… like trust, respect, infidelity, abuse, etc… those are big blinking signs that there is a serious problem(s) and either both people need to be willing to buckle down and do the work to change or simply part ways.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Divorce & Kids: 5 Things No One Tells You
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/divorce-kids-5-things-no-one-tells-you.html

Divorce/Child Custody Trial: Tips For Moms - Part 1
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/divorcechild-custody-trial-tips-for-moms.html

Divorce/Child Custody Trial: Tips For Moms - Part 2
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorcechild-custody-trial-tips-for.html

Finding Comfort In The Divorce Process
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/finding-comfort-in-divorce-process.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

You've probably heard by now at least if you are a Bachelor fan or tabloid reader Sean Lowe is to marry Catherine Giudici on Sunday, January 26th, 2014 on live television. You can read the article here posted by the Huffington Post: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/sean-lowe-catherine-giudici-waiting_n_2867570.html

It has become public knowledge that Sean and Catherine are waiting until their wedding night to consummate their relationship. There are those in society who want to point fingers at couples whom they deem odd or strange because they choose to wait to consummate their relationship until after they've exchanged "I do's". Yet the story can be viewed as a beacon of light in a world often obsessed with lust and instant gratification, that there are still couples who put importance... value on waiting. Sean and Catherine may be in the minority by the world's standards but not by God's.


I love this story.

I love that someone out there stands behind what they believe in and isn't caving due to worldly pressure and influence.

I love that Sean is being a man and looking out for her.

I love that he is not going to be selfish and look inward to his own needs.

                                                                                                       

I love that Catherine supports him too and they stand united together.

ONE WORD: 

BRAVE. 

THEY ARE BOTH SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE. 

They are brave because so few will stand up today for what's right. Has it been an easy path for them? Only they know the answer to that question yet we can assume it hasn't been easy… due to what we all know about human nature. Yet they have held steadfast to their values and what God deems suitable. Because when they stand up and say: 

"This is what we believe. This is what we are doing. We are honoring each other and God." 

It enables others to do the same.


So many of us wish we had that time back… that time to have a do-over and not engage in pre-marital sex. We can't have a do-over but we can begin anew any day from here out. Maybe you've already done something you regret and wish you could take it back.

I know I do… if I could have a re-do I'd take it in a nano second... I know I was wrong having pre-marital sex and when we admit we were wrong... that our behavior was sinful... that is BRAVE too. It's not something I can do-over but I can start new. Abstaining from sex outside marriage, caring about someone deeply, I'm going to hold off because I wouldn't want to do anything that could cause either of us potential regret, harm or hurt later. That holds true for the man in my future.

I want the next man I'm with to be the last. 

And that includes doing what I know to be right. 

Maybe you have a similar past story that includes regret and wish you could have back that one night or those many nights… that moment(s) of weakness filled with self and lack of discipline... maybe rebellion. When we care and purposefully love someone we put what God desires first, as well as the well-being of the one we love ahead of our own fleshly desires.


You may think "It's too late for me… I've already messed up." But we don't have to subscribe to sin, lust and the ways of the world on a continual basis just because we already did once, twice, ten times or more. We don't have to say "Ugh, I've already messed it up, there's no point in starting fresh." We can say no to throwing in the towel.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last?

Then You look at this prisoner

and say to me, son

Stop fighting a fight

It's already been won.

And I am redeemed

 Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

We can pick ourselves up and say:

"Today is a new beginning. Today I'm walking with God and remaining untouched until my wedding night with the man I marry." 

Just because we have made less than stellar choices in the beginning does not mean we are destined to continue on that way and those choices also be our ending. We can decide any day, any hour, any minute:

"My story is going to end differently" 

And then see it through.

Some may laugh and think "that's extreme", or "that's taking it too seriously"... but God isn't laughing... He delights in us taking Him seriously and even more, obeying Him. God desires us to use discipline and honor our body, not dabble in passionate lust, as sexual immorality is a work of the flesh.

ADMITTING A STRUGGLE 

= 

BRAVE 

This week someone in the news admitted her struggle behind closed doors… Elizabeth Vargas, the 20/20 news anchor sat down with 'Good Morning America' to open up about her past struggle with alcoholism…

you can watch the video here:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/elizabeth-vargas-alcoholic-article-1.1590054


In the interview she relayed the details of her journey and how it brought her to a final place of triumph. Think of how many people watching that interview could relate… nodding their heads and silently affirming they too were struggling while ensconced in their dens or kitchens holding a cup of coffee to wake up from the previous night's headache-inducing-wine-binge. Elizabeth Vargas has undoubtedly inspired countless people to be brave enough to finally dodge denial and admit they too have a problem with alcohol, with addiction. It takes guts to stand up and admit publicly or merely to our family and friends that we have an issue we are struggling with… whether it be porn, cheating, alcohol, excessive spending, gambling, etc… when we are brave and stand up, when we admit our moments of defeat that have remained hidden… behind the bathroom door in a puddle of tears or in front of the mirror where only God can see, when we admit we've felt convicted about our behavior and yet desperately need help because we are too weak on our own to help ourselves… we are doing something wonderful… we may not know it at the time but we are modeling for others their first step toward victory too… a single act of bravery that will have widespread wondrous results.

You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

and wipe away every stain

'cause I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

In life we may start with a few strikes, a few falls, a few boo's from the stands... but the truth is... it's the progress, the last bit that counts... the past is not an excuse to say "to heck with it, I'll get by on grace doing what I want"... it's commiting our life to God and declaring that we will finish our race in victory, that our game will bring an epic win, that our story will conclude with tears of joy and cheers of glory... 

because we were brave… 

we progressed

we changed

we grew and evolved 

into what God desires. 

And I can think of nothing greater than pleasing Him. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!