The Manipulative Parent's Child: Teaching Empathy & Exposing Lies

One of the most pressing concerns for parents who have been married to a sociopath or narcissist is how to prevent their child following that pattern of manipulative behavior. How does the healthy parent keep their child from becoming like the psychologically dangerous parent?

1. Teaching their child EMPATHY

2. Exposing the manipulative parents lies

So how do you go about teaching empathy? 

Studies have shown that children who read have a higher chance of being empathetic. When children read stories about people, they can put themselves in the various characters experiences, leading them to feel what they are going through.

There are many books for kids that can open the dialogue about kindness and empathy toward others. Some I have posted as regular recommended reading on the blog. Due to constraints on room available below are additional books that may help. Recently I was going through some of my own books when I was growing up and rediscovered many well loved books I had forgotten about. Here are some that may make your list to buy…

The Journey of Natty Gann 

Number The Stars

Charlotte's Web

The Face On The Milk Carton 

The Diary Of Anne Frank

The Joy Luck Club

Ramona The Pest 

To Kill A Mockingbird 

The True Confessions Of Charlotte Doyle

Rosa Parks: My Story 

As parents we have several ways we can teach empathy 

alongside encouraging our children to read...

3 Ways To Teach Children Empathy…  

1. Realize that your child is his or her own little person. They may be small but they are already an individual, growing, changing each and every day. It's our role as parents to encourage our children to think for themselves, to model excellent behavior through our actions… even when it's challenging and were maxed out, were also there to encourage learning, self control, nice manners and good values. Other aspects we may include are faith and helping others. The biggest take away from this is communication. We have to talk with our kids. When we have conversations and ask "How did that make you feel?" it gets them thinking… it gets them thinking outside themselves when we ask "How do you think that made Caitlyn feel when Olivia was mean to her?"

2. Point out what your child has in common with others. So often in life our differences seem to be highlighted… maybe without intention but unfortunately it leads to limited thinking, hardened hearts, divided families and closed communities. This has a trickle down effect in our society and affects everyone eventually in a negative manner. Pointing out commonalties amongst people helps bridge that gap… when kids realize that everybody has feelings no matter if their black, white, or in between it stirs up love not apathy or hate.

3. Sharing the thankful mindset with our kids. Our children look to us for cues on how to behave. When were standing in a long line at Target and we begin to sigh, tap our foot and grumble it's teaching them "I don't have time for this", "I shouldn't have to wait"… etc. This is a time that someone who is confined to a wheelchair would love to have to wait on two strong legs. This is a time when someone who is housebound would love the opportunity to get out. This is a time to be thankful we are out, we are independent, we are beyond blessed to have the funds to stand in a line and make purchases. It's a time to teach perspective to our kids.

December 2, 2014 

names have been omitted in this post

*******************

Exposing The Manipulative Lies… 


I sat in the bright school cafeteria beside my daughter… the noise of the children created a din around us so we sat close to be able to hear each other. We were seated at a long table off to the side of the room. I watched as my daughter unzipped her hot pink trimmed leopard lunch bag from Old Navy and reach inside. As she pulled out a turkey sandwich, Lay's chips and Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers that her dad had packed for her to eat, my eyes surveyed the contents. There appeared to be zero fruit in the lunch. My eyebrows arched a second time when I saw the two smallest items… Hershey candy bars, one of which contained nuts.

image owned by gps grace power strength 

I pointed out why she couldn't consume them, reminded her how it's essential to always check labels and quickly confiscated the chocolate due to her nut allergy… mental expletives ran through my head about her father's incompetence and blatant disregard for her health and safety.


She began telling me of the previous nights events and I listened with close ears.

"Daddy put us to bed early, he was wearing his pajamas… but just to make us THINK he was going to bed. He changed into clothes later. It was late, I don't know what time but he let a lady in the house through the garage… I heard it open. Then he took her upstairs to his bedroom. I couldn't sleep. They were making so much noise… so the next morning I asked Daddy if anyone was there last night. And he said no. So I tell him I heard somebody and he says it was the neighbors getting home." she explained to me.

I listened carefully to her, nodding and affirming I was hearing what she told me and finally I reached into my navy handbag… fishing around for my iPhone... pulling it out, I tapped the code into it and accessed my photos. Pulling up the one I needed I set it on the cafeteria lunch table for her to view.

She looked down at it and gasped... "That's a photo of Daddy's house. Why is there a car in the driveway?"

"That Lexus is from last night. That belongs to the lady that came. When you started texting me last night upset about all the noise, I drove over and took a picture of it. And yet he told you no one was there, correct?" I affirmed.

"Yes, he lied! He lied to me! Again!" she exclaimed with indignation.

*****************

Exposing the lies of the parent who is lying, manipulating and orchestrating chaos in their children's lives is essential. It's essential we have concrete proof, we have facts of what our ex is doing to create havoc in our child's life because a parent who is continually placing their child in an unsafe environment; one that is causing anxiety and stress should have limited, supervised or in extreme cases zero time with them. It is critical to document everything the manipulative parent does to protect our children...

Because at the end of the day… they are counting on us. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts:

Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/fifty-fifty.html

You Are Not Your Parent's Choices: 5 Tips For All Parents

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/11/you-are-not-your-parents-choices-5-tips.html

Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html

The Non-Sociopathic Child: How To Instill Empathy ~ 3 Tips

As a little girl my most beloved grade school book was Charlotte's Web. The story was touching as it showed true friendship between Charlotte the spider and Wilbur the pig. Charlotte was loyal to Wilbur to the very end and Wilbur never forgot her short presence in his life. It's a classic tale of friendship, yes… but also empathy. Charlotte put herself in Wilbur's position and knew his potential untimely demise at the hands of the farmer could be prevented if she intervened selflessly on his behalf. We know if she was in his place she would hope he'd do the same for her. Which we know by Wilbur's loving character he surely would have.


When it comes to our children I believe any good parent would wish for the gift of empathy for their child. Empathy in children leads to becoming adults who care for others, who can make decisions with careful thought… they are better equipped to decide what is best for themselves but also weigh their choices out of respect toward others feelings… yet in that, to not go the other extreme and become people pleasers. We all want our children to grow up to be strong… to be resilient against bullies, against peer pressure and narcissistic sociopaths. Yet in that we don't want them to become hardened like some people in the world… we want them to have a healthy balance… and realize that although there are a few bad apples out there, for the most part people are good… and it's important to have empathy toward others.


A narcissistic sociopathic parent typically chooses between his children. He may make one the golden child (preferred), one the black sheep (discarded) and any others may fall by the wayside. A sociopathic parent doesn't have empathy… it's like he has a glitch in his system. He is not capable of love and placing himself in someone else's shoes…. to imagine what they must feel when enduring a hurt, offense, loss, etc. Since he's not capable of showing empathy his children suffer as well. This is why it's so essential for the healthy functioning parent to teach empathy as much as possible… in the hopes the sociopath's harmful behaviors can be overridden by the healthy functioning parent.

Here are three tips in helping instill empathy in your child…

3 Tips:


1. Read To Your Child:
Think back on the childhood stories you read and I bet you'll see some similar themes in what they taught… empathy. Charlotte's Web, The Velveteen Rabbit, The Little House, The Giving Tree are just a few that you can read to your child aloud at bedtime and then discuss. Encourage your child to think about the individual characters and how they likely feel about their experiences… ask them questions to get them thinking: "How do you think Wilbur felt when Charlotte died?" Doing this opens the door for kids to go on to more in depth discussions related to hurts, loss and death.


2. Stop Rewarding:
You may think you read that wrong. You may be thinking… "What? Stop rewarding good behavior?" It's fine to reward a child now and then… but to go and reward a child for helping someone else, for doing something kind, is just plain counterintuitive. It's telling them: "Here's a reward for what you did that should have been from the heart." Rewarding children for doing acts of kindness toward others sets up expectation i.e.; let's make a deal type thinking and "you owe me", versus giving freely as we should do and as God would want.


3. Model Empathy:
Think of ways you can model acts of kindness toward others that involve your children. Maybe it's putting together small bags of goodies for his or her classmates at Christmas or "just because". Maybe it's baking brownies for your mail carrier along with a sweet handwritten note. Perhaps it's washing your elderly neighbors car or planting flowers in the empty pots on their porch. Think of small ways you can add beauty to someone else's day and then involve your child. Afterward talk about how much it made your neighbor smile and how nice it is to help others.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Jesus Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

Love. 


What comes to mind when you think of love?


Oftentimes we tend to think in terms of couples, dating, romance, marriage, and as parents the love we have for our children. Rarely do we perhaps think of Jesus Christ. And yet the truth is, Jesus Christ is the epitome of love and all it's glorious wonder and sacrifice.


Love is bearing nails. 

Love is in his hands. 

Love is Jesus. 


Love is what Jesus did for each and every one of us.

'Cause living He loved me, dying He saved me

And buried He carried my sins far away

Rising He justified freely forever

One day He's coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day...

- Casting Crowns 

 Glorious Day Lyrics

What is so incredibly beautiful about the love Jesus has for us is that it isn't restrictive. His love doesn't pick and choose. His love covers all people… everyone is included despite our world's often limited views as humans… the poor to the middle class to the rich… all races… both sexes… all walks of life receive Christ's love. He has chosen you because "in Christ" there is neither Jew nor Gentile (refer to Galatians 3:28) and no one is left out.

"When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly"

 -1 Peter 2:23

When Jesus was suffering, was being treated like a criminal… turn the tables and imagine yourself on the cross… any one of us would be incredibly tempted to lash out, to scream, to curse, to yell, to spit back, to fight… and yet Jesus did not go there… to refrain in absolute firm, secure will. 

 "By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us" 

-1 John 3:16

Because if he hadn't laid down his life where would we be today? The scripture would not have been fulfilled and Jesus would not have been whom he said to be. There has never been nor will there ever be a greater love than Christ's.


When we love others, when we walk in light, when we forgive other's for their transgressions against us, when we try to understand and feel someone's pain that they are enduring (empathy) versus just eliciting a dismissive "Oh, bummer for you!", (sympathy)…  when we share our smile with a stranger… because that one smile just might make the difference between someone who is in the pit of depression, feeling invisible and becoming despondently suicidal instead becoming gloriously hopeful and renewed in spirit…. when we let the person cut in front of us in traffic instead of cutting them off… when we open our hearts, doors and home to someone who maybe doesn't have anyone to spend Christmas with… when we teach our children they do not need the latest and greatest gadget because someone in their same town is going without food and we are called to help those in need… when we choose to not dabble in materialism, idolatry or become "afflicted with affluenza" because the very word "flu" is in it which can lead to death… when we choose to pray for those who have committed the unthinkable, the most detestable things in society because we believe through God, with love, hard hearts can be softened.. when we pray for all humanity… when we act upon all these things and more… we are walking in LOVE.


Today if you could go back in time and stand before Jesus on the cross…

what would you say to him?


What would you feel?

Merely sympathy?

Or empathy?

Would you simply say "Bummer for you!" as you walked by knowing what He did for us? Today do you try to put yourself in his place, imagine what He must have felt? Do you feel moved to tears when you realize the enormity of His suffering and love for us? Would you have knelt before Him and cried for Him as He suffered? Would you have spoken words of love to Him? Would you have sat there all hours into the darkness with him as He cried out to the Lord…

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" 


Empathy is to step out of ourselves and into someone else's experience. 

Jesus was God on earth…  living, experiencing life as we humans do. 

Jesus walked earth touching our humanity in such a way that he empathized with our hurts, our struggles, our mortal-ness if you will, yet living a sinless life. 

When we live our lives trying to understand others and how they feel versus fixing, pointing or judging as they cry out in despair and grief and hurt… when we instead listen, cry with them, hold their hand and feel their pain in our hearts… 


When we pray "Jesus, break my heart for what breaks yours… "


Then we not only empathize…


But we LOVE. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Her Arm & Heart Were Broken Yet God Saw Her Need

Every time I pull onto my tree lined street the corner house makes me take notice. Take notice of what it's missing. It's the one yard on the block that lacks a tree leaving an empty spot that looks noticeably lacking next to the other's nearby.


I always think to myself "I wonder why they don't plant a tree?"

For what one person may notice in life and believe stands out with screaming significance another person may not even have on their radar.

Isn't that often what it must be like for God?

God always sees what we need.

Even though we may believe differently or not even notice.

Maybe we think we have it all figured out and know exactly what we need for ourselves when in reality we are so far off base it resembles nothing like God's plan for us.

Or perhaps we count on someone taking care of our needs that unfortunately doesn't.

*********************

1990 

 - some names have been withheld in this post - 

Rinsing my hands at the kitchen sink I reached out for the blue and white gingham dishtowel to dry my hands. As I did, I looked out the kitchen window, my eyes taking in the expansive shady flagstone patio with steps leading down to the grassy lawn below with perennial gardens trimming it's perimeter. Just past the towering pecan tree was my little sister on her new cherry red bike. She was bravely trying to keep her balance, clinging to the handlebars… with tiny spurts she was beginning to make leeway propelling herself forward with her feet on the pedals. It was when she attempted to maneuver a turn, she began losing her balance and precariously falling. Unable to catch herself, down she went, along with the bike too. 

Fully expecting her to get up, dust herself off and try again, I was instead surprised to see her struggling  to get up from the ground… to instead see her one arm disengaged in the effort…. uncooperatively refusing to help. Any pressure upon it caused her great visible pain and she resignedly stayed put on the ground cradling her hurt arm and looking up at the house with searching eyes for someone. I could faintly make out her crying plea for help and throwing down the dishtowel on the countertop I ran outside with a call over my shoulder to our parents that she was hurt. 

Approaching her sitting forlornly on the ground she squinted up at me in the bright sunlight and said her arm hurt, that she thought she might have broken it. Our dad strode up behind me as she spoke followed by my mother and youngest sister. He briskly told her to get up which was met with her plaintive cry that she couldn't, that her arm was hurt and likely broken. Angrily repeating his order to get up, she bit her lip and winced…  getting up with tears rolling down her cherub face. 

We all watched in our familiar horrified detachment as he snatched up the bike from the ground and walked purposefully to the garage declaring this wasn’t going to happen again, that clearly she couldn’t even ride it without falling off of it. Her new shiny red bike was tossed angrily into the garage by our father like a discarded piece of trash. He never once stopped to consider he was expecting too much of her. She’d never ridden a bike before. Now that she was well established in grade school he ridiculously expected her to know how and on the first attempt. Then he added insult to injury in that he saw she was hurting and refused to lend his hand and help her up. His anger she had gotten hurt… had wedged herself into a pickle took over any empathy that existed for her hurt arm that turned out was indeed broken. 

But it wasn't just her arm that was broken. 

It was her heart. 

She had needed his hand. 

She had needed his help. 

She had needed his love. 

She had needed his hand to wipe away her tear. 

She had needed kind words spoken to her with care. 

God saw what she needed even though her earthly father couldn't or didn't. 

He always sees a need.

And he does for you too. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

this blog is dedicated to my sister - God loves you 

Even when someone doesn't give us what we need or when what we believed we needed doesn't come to fruition but instead another plan does…. we can remember that God always knows what we need in life. We can take comfort in this, remembering God not only knows what is best for us, but will give us a sustaining comfort we can count on from Him. 

And my God will meet all your needs according to the
 riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Instilling The Good In Your Child: 6 Tips

Goodness. 


We as parents, as mother's, all want our children to have the good qualities necessary for a successful adult life. We want to instill good character in our children so that they feel motivated from within to "do the right thing" even when no one is watching. Just doing what is morally right and not for any selfish gain.... if everyone abided by that philosophy the world would surely be a better place.



But how do parents reach that goal? 

As parents we may read book after parenting book searching for "the answers" we desire. In a world that often seems sold on the mantra of "do what you want", "do what feels good" and "what do I get?".... instilling good character in our children can certainly seem like a daunting task at hand.

Here are a few ideas of things to keep in mind when striving to instill the good character traits you believe to be important for your child...

1. Empathy:  Today empathy often seems to be rare and yet if you ask someone today what they believe the most important trait for a person to have... it will often be empathy. To be able to put yourselves in someone else's shoes and be able to imagine the pain they are experiencing. To be understanding and have the ability to express how you feel yourself and listen to someone else's plight or concerns... including your spouse, these are important to connecting with others.


2. Positivity:  Encouraging other's either through affirmation, validation, a hug or some other type of support in the form of flowers, a homemade gift or invite to join them for dinner, etc. Bringing light to other's lives and making someone else's day better has great value. Included in this is teaching our children the importance of including other's in the classroom, at lunch and on the playground. When we include others and don't partake in bullying (ignoring is a form of bullying also) it lifts other's up and has a domino effect on everyone.


3. Kindness should be free: We as parents don't have to reward each and every kind act our child does for others. They need to learn that just because we do something nice for someone we aren't playing a game of "let's make a deal." Instead they can learn that to do something for someone else in itself brings great joy.... we can say "Wow, I bet that really made Jacob's day when you let him play with your favorite truck all afternoon!" We can point out the positives our child's choices lead to when they make selfless decisions.


4. Respect:  As parents often one of the most stressful times of day for us is breakfast and dinnertime. Hurrying out the door in the morning and rushing to get dinner on the table can often lead to stress, curt answers and sighs of irritation. But when we slow down and take pause to speak and react respectfully to our children it makes a big difference. They are learning to model after us and just because they are little doesn't make them any less than. In addition to showing them respect we can model respect to other's we come in contact with each day... our spouse's, cashiers, waitresses, tellers and teachers. When our children see us use our manners and treat people with kindness they learn that not one person should be treated rudely.


5. Responsibility:  Having some chores around the house that should be done simply because they are part of a family is essential. Teaching our children that everyone should pitch in and help gives them responsibility and if additional chores are desired perhaps then compensation can be implemented. But regardless children will excel when they learn that the great feeling of accomplishment from within is much more important than any monetary gain.


6. Behavior:   When we model good behavior for our children it speaks volumes, much louder than anything we tell them to do or not to do. When we are faithful to our spouse, when we don't run red lights, when we admit we were wrong, when we don't resort to bad mouthing people, our children pick up on those behaviors and are very aware of them. All the books today on parenting practically scream from the pages about how parents shouldn't bad mouth the other parent and point out their flaws.... regardless of whether they are together or not. The truth is.... your child doesn't need their mom to point out that dad is the reason for the marriage ending... because he now has a girlfriend. Your child doesn't need mom to point out that dad is a workaholic... because your child can clearly see with their own eyes he's never home. Children are incredibly smart and as adults we all need to give them more credit. Adults are not fooling them. Children inherently know which parent is setting the better example and each parent has the ability to make the conscious choice at any given time to begin making better choices.

Each and every day we have the opportunity to instill the good character traits we believe to be important in our children... but it begins with us.


Each time we model the good behavior we wish for them to live we are shaping them bit by bit for the better...


God is there to guide us and although we may reach for an occasional parenting book to read.... the best one is already on shelves at a bookstore near you... possibly on your bookcase at home or resting on your bedside table...


the bible.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013