Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath? You Will Never Be Enough

“Sad Middle Aged Woman Suffering From Headache” 

by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

names have been changed and omitted in this post 

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We had already made our run to the store to pick up chicken noodle soup and extra tissue and now were crashed on the couch the rest of the day. I snuggled beside my daughter in the den under the oversized gray blanket and reached over to gently tuck her long blonde brown hair behind her ear. I glanced at her and spoke, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, sweet pea. Hopefully staying home from school today will help you start feeling better. Having a cold isn't fun, is it?" I asked.

"No, it's not." She agreed and as the Disney channel switched shows she turned to me and spoke. "You know how Daddy likes back rubs?" She asked. Thinking this was an oddly random change of subject I was caught off guard but nodded.

"Yeah… why?" I asked her.

She turned to face me. "Okay, so Georgina gives him these back rubs, right? When they watch tv." She confirmed, referring to her dad's recent fiancé. "She gives him really long ones. And then she asks for one. And he does it. For like five minutes. And then he stops."

"Um, okay… "I trailed off, not sure what the point of this was but listening. "So, is that a problem?" I asked her.

"Yeah it is!" She exclaimed. "Georgina gets SO mad!"

I stared at her "Really? Hmmm… why do you think that is?" I asked her curiously.

"I think because she gives him a really great one and then he won't give her one back. She brings it up all the time. I think it makes her really mad that he won't." She told me with a grimace and then just like that snatched the remote control to turn up the volume on her show.

I sat beside her watching the screen but not really; my thoughts going back... reflecting on our marriage. I remember giving him back rubs and him complaining I was massaging too hard. Considering my pretty consistent inability to unscrew a jar of jelly or salsa without annihilating my hand (ouch!) I had thrown my hands up in frustration at what I perceived to be nit picking. He loved my fingers run through his hair and yet no matter how long I did it, it was never frequent enough or long enough… complaints ensued when my cramping fingers needed a rest. If he gave me a back massage he always expected sex. I eventually stopped accepting his offer of one as everything came with an expectation attached. Switch to intimacy and his complaints came that foreplay took too long and let's just get to the, er his main event, shall we? It was a constant checklist, er, gripe-fest of how he hadn't gotten x,y,z. And yet I seemed to be the one regularly going without. Looked like his pattern was playing out yet again. I wasn't too surprised.


The truth was… this was about more than just a back massage. 
The back massage was simply the symptom of a bigger issue at hand. 
The back massage was a symbol of selfishness. 


The narcissistic sociopath is someone who views themselves as not how they truly are. Meaning in reality they are the epitome of selfishness yet see themselves as victims of a less than loving spouse or ex-spouse. #projection. While married they begin to chip away at their spouse… they begin to nit pick at them and point out all the ways they are failing, all the ways they are not meeting their expectations or loving them perfectly.

And before you know it… the narcissistic sociopath is rationalizing, JUSTIFYING why they should be able to cheat on their spouse… the spouse they once adored and set high on a pedestal. They no longer see their spouses kindness, generous nature, their beauty and fun spirit. 

With a narcissistic sociopath nothing you do is ever enough. 

That great back massage won't be enough.
That amazing homemade lasagna you baked won't be enough.
That thoughtful delivery of cookies or muffins to his office won't be enough.
That nice shirt, tickets to the game or gift card to Best Buy won't be enough.
That night of sex where you catered to his every desire and lust won't be enough.
That dinner date where you laughed until your stomachs hurt won't be enough.
That nurturing and care you did for the babies you gave birth to day in and day out won't be enough.
That selfless picking up of his dry cleaning and walking the dog he had to have won't be enough.
That proud verbal congratulations you gave about his newest promotion at work won't be enough.

It will never be enough.


The narcissistic sociopath has this sixth sense of knowing exactly what you need, want, fantasize and dream about… they can read people like no one else. The spectrum of toxic individuals out there varies of course… from a simple narcissist to the extreme; a sociopath. Some are clearly more toxic or skilled than others in reading people. (And yet in that let's remember any toxicity is harmful) In the beginning of a relationship a sociopath is able to discern quickly exactly what to say and do to lure you in and do just that.

He is able to figure out exactly what words you find touching, what sentiments make you melt, what poetry makes you smile and then say or write just that.

He is able to anticipate exactly what turns you on and what turns you off… what erotic caresses of the tongue and hands make you burn and yearn for more… and does just that.

He is able to assess exactly what makes you feel overwhelmingly spoiled and adored via sweet favors or gifts… and produces just that.

And so they do it... for awhile... until they've captured you in a committed relationship or marriage and/or used you up and need a new source of supply.


Those blissful early days… 

When were initially in the throes of dating or early days of marriage he or she will let you know up front what behaviors of yours are not permitted by bashing his or her ex continuously in an indirect manner… framed in an insidiously "positive" way.

He or She will say…. 

1. "I LOVE how you always wear bright colors. It makes me so happy."
Translation: My ex only wore black because that's what she liked not what I like.

2. "I LOVE how you aways respond to my texts right away. It makes me feel really good."
Translation: My ex didn't respond to my texts right away toward the end of our marriage because she figured out what a control freak/needy I am and stopped responding as often or quickly.

3. "I LOVE how you're so laid back and not the insecure type at all."
Translation: My ex's instincts told them I was cheating and that's why they voiced being uncomfortable with me going on that business trip with my attractive co-worker. But I'm not telling you that.


Of course, you can try to do all the "right things"; you can try to follow the sociopath's rule book on what to do or not to do… playing into the comparison game of their exes as detailed above to ensure you are going to be the one who makes them happy and loves them perfectly. Certainly, you can try to stand on your head, juggle it all and ensure you're doing it their utmost satisfaction.

But remember… at the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of the relationship, maybe at the end of your life… it really won't matter how hard you tried to please he or she…

The hard truth and fact of the matter is:

Just like the ones before you… just like the ones to come after you…

In the sociopath's eyes….

You will still never be enough. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

WHEN YOU FEEL UNLOVED, WHEN YOU FEEL LESS THAN DUE TO SOMEONE'S HURTFUL WORDS OR ACTIONS… REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE PRECIOUS AND HONORED IN HIS SIGHT… 

Isaiah 43:4New International Version (NIV) 

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HAUNTING DESPAIR OF SOMEONE ELSE'S TOXICITY… YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE A PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY LIFE FREE OF PUT DOWNS AND MANIPULATION. 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

Projection And Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Love & Divorce: What I Will Never Tell My Children

Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs

“Young Man Holding Head In Hand” by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Is she a sociopath? Here is a list to help. If you're a woman in search of Is He A Sociopath? Click here


Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs

1. She's superficially charming, attracts people like a magnet. In the beginning you're delightedly drawn to her as she makes you believe you have much more in common than what you truly do. In hindsight you realize she was mirroring what you liked and wanted in life.

2. She exhibits extremes in mood, one minute she's sweet as pie, the next she's coming unglued in anger or even rage. You're not certain what you're dealing with but you know it's not good.

3. She may have a history of alcohol or drug abuse but is now sober or clean…. supposedly.

4. She preys on your high empathy. She may threaten suicide or self harm causing you to feel great worry for her, drawing you back in, causing you to not break up with her out of concern for her safety.

5. She seems to have an especially high sex drive and never seems satisfied. Cheater, maybe numerous marriages. Originally you may have felt like her hero on a pedestal… now you feel rejected and never good enough.

6. She doesn't seem to have regrets or guilt over anything she's done in her past like most people do. If she speaks of past life experiences it's done purely to garner sympathy as a victim, not share her responsibility, insight, changed perspective and growth.

7. She's a pathological liar… she lies about anything and everything and it continues even after she's caught and called on it.

8. She doesn't appear nervous or react like most folks do when startled, she doesn't panic, worry, feel anxiety or true sorrow about life situations in which most people would; sickness, a car wreck, or a loss.

9. She's unreliable, you can't count on her, it's a pattern of broken promises, she leaves you up a creek more often than not, she "forgets" about you, dates, meetings, etc. She changes plans last minute on you when something comes along that serves her better socially.

10. She's disrespectful toward you and your relationship; flirts openly with other men despite your valid objection and voice of hurt feelings. She may refuse to discuss your very real concerns in general in the relationship, instead she may walk off, refuse to problem solve as a team and just disengage completely; stonewall.

11. She has zero remorse or guilt for the things she has done. If you confront her on her lies and cheating she somehow projects blame onto you. She has the ability to twist everything to be your fault taking zero responsibility.

12. She uses seduction as a tool to draw you in and manipulate you. You mistakenly believe the chemistry between you is real. You may realize in hindsight you rushed into marrying her or sleeping with her.

13. She is jealous of other women, she is highly competitive and doesn't like anyone who is prettier or more successful than her. She speaks ill of others and you're embarrassed by it.

14. She is not a nurturer as most men naturally expect women to be, but instead she is a predator and always wants to "win" at any cost. In a child custody case she uses her children as pawns against their father. She lacks sensitivity for others feelings and empathy.

15. She never seems to take responsibility for her behavior, for her acting out, for her outbursts, her rage etc. She doesn't appear to have a desire to get help, to improve and grow like most people do.

16. She is a user… she uses you for money, sex, meals, image, status, gifts, vacations, etc. You feel the imbalance of the relationship. Instead of a natural give and take between two people, it feels like you're the sole giver and she's the taker.

17. She seldom if ever shows appreciation for the nice things you do, appears to feel entitled. Self-centered, expects everything to go her way.

18. If you call her on her behavior she grandstands, plays the victim, the martyr, fakes tears to gain sympathy. Defensive.

19. She's deficient. Very limited to no depth. May come across to others as extroverted and friendly but what you come to see later as over the top shallow behavior toward others as if she's putting on a show.

20. In the beginning she seemed too good to be true and now you see two sides to her… the public face and the private face. The one you see behind closed doors is the real deal. Don't doubt yourself. It's time to move on to happier, healthier and free.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

so·ci·o·path

ˈsōsēōˌpaTH/

noun

a person with a personality disorder
manifesting itself in extreme

 antisocial attitudes and

behavior and a lack of conscience.

If you're in the beginning 

stages of a divorce

 from a sociopath,

 here are 5 tips to help…

1. You do not have the ability to change your spouse/ex, they have a personality disorder. 

2. Try not to beat yourself up for falling for the sociopath's lies, facade or mask. You are not "stupid", "dumb" etc. You, like many others fell for someone who is of a predatory nature. 

3. Joining a Divorce Care class at a local church helps in your healing process. Many people take the classes multiple times as they journey through the many phases of healing. Being with others in a group setting helps remind you you're truly not alone. 

4. Feeling angry is natural and expected. God doesn't expect us to not be angry. But how we express anger by our words or actions does matter. We can pause when needed and try to remember to respond, not react. 

5. Take the time you need to heal from your divorce. Jumping right into dating again ups the chances of repeating unhealthy patterns. Focusing on your children, work, hobbies, health and exercise is one way to keep busy while rebuilding your life. If finances permit an occasional vacation with friends and family and regular therapy with a psychologist who is familiar with personality disorders can help. 

There are a total of 10 personality disorders, you can read about them in more detail here

Parents: Flawed Human or Villain? Acceptance & Healing

 this post contains language 

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I was scrolling on Facebook and noticed a post by Humans of New York … otherwise known for short as HONY, maybe you're familiar with the page. There, posted on Sunday the 18th was a photograph of a young woman wearing a purple hooded jacket, black jeans and boots with curly hair… she was quoted saying:

"I realize now that my parents are just regular people with flaws,

 and my dad is not a villain. He's just an asshole."

I believe she was trying to explain that initially she viewed her father as being a villain, a calculated individual who knowingly, purposefully hurt others and as the years passed she has realized, learned the difference between someone being merely flawed, perhaps the occasional jerky behavior and then the one who is of a sociopathic nature. There is a difference and she has learned she merely has one from the lower level, a flawed father or occasional jerk if you will. No matter what she believes she has dealt with, no matter what she believes he is… she has endured some type of hurt, some type of infliction by him. We can't know exactly what she's experienced, as we have no information to go on in terms of details. I don't believe for a second she's a spoiled or entitled young adult who is haphazardly throwing verbal barbs. She's had a less than swell experience with him growing up and has put great thought into her changed perspective of him as it's grown and changed as she has. There were many supportive people on there who commented that they too had had less than wonderful fathers, some even more aptly referring to their fathers as downright abusive. People acknowledged her hurt, her wounds, they shared words of love and affirmation and even hope and healing. It was beautiful to see so many folks of all ages pouring out their hearts with compassion for her. As well there were commenters who bashed her. Some argued she was perhaps the "a**h***", that perhaps she shouldn't have used the word "a**h***" in describing her own father. Granted, God obviously doesn't want us using foul words that don't bring life and some commenters further stated that she shouldn't have used the word she used to describe her father on such a public platform. Could she have found a less potentially volatile adjective? Could she have chosen better wording in describing him? Yes. We've likely all used less than golden words to describe others, myself included. But no matter what they believed, at the end of the day the young woman needed compassion shown to her. 

And as they continued

 to ask him, he stood up 

and said to them, 

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

John 8:7 ESV

Maybe you can relate to her experience. 

Perhaps you can relate to her, and maybe you've tried to cope, to deal… maybe for a long, long time, maybe decades. More than likely you have tried above and beyond if you're the child of someone on the extreme who is abusive, man or woman. When we have a parent, whether father or mother who is toxic we go through our entire childhood wishing, hoping they will change. We seek affection, adoration and love from them. We silently shuffle and step around that stinking pile of poo that we know goes with them and hope by appeasing, by pleasing them they will love us unconditionally, they will take the time needed to listen, to connect and show affection, that they will show us love in a healthy, nurturing manner. Instead, we may face a wide spectrum of actions that range from in-your-face screaming, cursing and put downs, to neglect, to more insidious emotional abuse like triangulation amongst us, our siblings and our other parent, gas-lighting, projecting, etc. We may call them on their behavior and yet they may deflect. As children we may spend an entire childhood and even young adulthood hoping in a false hope that our parent will not hurt us again, that they will lay down their toxic behaviors once and for all. Unfortunately, that may not happen. It can take years for children, yes, even grown children to come to the stark realization that they are sending up prayers that may very well never come to fruition. It's an incredibly disappointing reality to come to terms with what we've endured. Because even once we admit to ourselves that a relationship with one of our parents isn't healthy for us, that it causes us great grief, despair, hurt, anxiety and personal violation in terms of boundaries… we still long for it not to. We long and yearn for it to not be that way. We may dabble in a "fake it till you make it" mentality… thinking if we just pretend like it's all rosy the relationship will grow and change from a decaying rotted one to vibrant, blooming and healthy.

People may say:

 "Well, so, they are flawed. They are human. You must accept them." 

Yes, we can accept they are flawed. Perhaps for some this takes longer than for others… perhaps we can remember that all humans are flawed and do UNintentionally hurt others at some point or another and YET there is a big difference between merely flawed and PURPOSEFULLY inflicting hurt that is swept away under the rug by the perpetrator, by the villain, minimized and even delusionally rejected as reality. Undoubtedly some parents are "flawed" in ways so bad, so extreme that it's detrimental for us to be exposed to them… yes, we accept it, we accept that fact and also perhaps that we don't have to accept it as a way to live. 

It's hard to heal from a relationship 

when you're still getting jabbed, isn't it?

When they continue to stick you

and then act like it's your fault it hurt. 

 Distance is sometimes the greatest salve to an open wound. 

As a daughter you may have never felt fulfilled by your relationship with your father. For girls and women, their relationship with their dad sets the tone for any future relationships with men. Becoming co-dependent and marrying narcissistic partners, avoiding commitment all-together or taking on the role as the "head of household"could all be ways to cope later in life. For boys and men… they may sadly never feel as though they match up in their father's eyes… they may always feel like they've let dad down and can't seem to please him no matter what they do. 



It's the great ability to accept the fact that you cannot make a person change, that you can accept they are who they are, whether flawed human or villain…. The ability to accept yourself is wonderful as well, to trust yourself again, to trust your instincts, to delight in the gifts you possess, to realize your beauty and strength, to learn that yes, you are worthy, you can choose distance, you deserve a life free of anxiety and tension, free of walking on eggshells, free of always second guessing yourself, that you are lovable and healing can be yours and that thank goodness without a doubt there is a love greater than anyone else's… Christ's.

Go to Him… he's there to heal you, he accepts you fully. 

14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, o“Let the children come to me; pdo not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 qTruly, I say to you, whoever does not rreceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And she took them in his arms and blessed them, tlaying his hands on them. 

Mark 10:14-16

11 fI am the good shepherd. The good shepherd glays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is ha hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and ileaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and jscatters them. 13 He flees because khe is a hired hand and lcares nothing for the sheep. 14 mI am the good shepherd. nI know my own and omy own know me, 15 pjust as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and qI lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:11-15

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading & sharing! 

30 Signs: He's Not The One

30 Signs He Is Not The One: 

1. He's on a hook-up site not a dating site.

2. He professes that he wants a classy woman on his dating profile then upon checking out his photos you see him wrapped around two scantily clad women. Delete.

3. He seems to go MIA. One day you're receiving texts that make you smile and reply back. Then poof! He's gone and you get zero explanation… you're left wondering how many others he's done this to. Move on.

4. He only sees you at places like your condo or his house. He doesn't take you out in public.

5. He doesn't introduce you to his friends or family.

6. You catch him checking out other women.

7. He's on the fence. He can't decide what he wants including you. Make that choice for him.

8. Mixed signals… one minute he seems interested. Then not so much. A man who is truly interested in you and developing feelings for you pursues, period. He doesn't waffle.

9. He's critical of you. Some teasing is fine… but if it's mean spirited, if you're not laughing as well… if it's picking at your appearance… show him the door.

10. He's not straight with you. He refuses to talk about his past. He's hiding something.

11. You're not sure if he likes you. Again… he's on the fence, his actions are inconsistent. You should feel secure from the get go.

12. How does he handle stress? Does he freak out? A lot? Do you see signs of instability?

13. When he says he's going to do something does he do it? If he's going to pursue a goal or dream is he taking the steps necessary to make it come to fruition?

14. You go to him with a concern and he shuts you down. Stonewalling is not communicating, it's a control tactic.

15. He sets a standard for you yet… that he isn't willing to do for himself or for you. He expects happy to be smeared on your face, he expects you to exercise and eat healthy, he expects you to go see that awful guy movie you both know you'll hate. He doesn't exercise, he gorges on junk food and refuses to see that new chick flick you want to see. It's time to say adios.

16. He expects sex and you don't believe in it before marriage. This isn't something that can be compromised on. Stick to what you believe God wants for you.

17. He only has bad things to say about his exes. This can be tricky. If someone only has one ex… or just two exes… let's face it… they haven't dated much. But beyond that… if everyone on their list is described as "crazy" or a "you know what"… then the common denominator is him. Maybe he treated them so terribly they began to act a little coo-koo… or maybe he has terrible skills at choosing healthy partners. It may take some digging to figure out what the story is.

18. He treats wait staff terribly. He's short with them, he ignores them, he tips bad or doesn't at all… he's demanding or demeaning… one day he will treat you just like that, guaranteed.

19. He won't admit when he's wrong. Admitting he's wrong or was hurtful means immediately acknowledging so and not having someone have to point it out or convince them.

20. There's little to no appreciation shown for what you've done. You baked him a homemade meal for him, you took him out to dinner for his birthday, you bought him tickets to that game he wants to go to… yet he says little to nothing.

21. He's quick to anger… he blows up, he instigates road rage, he is moody, he uses intimidation tactics like throwing things or punching walls or furniture to shut you down… he's hit you or pushed you… verbal abuse, emotional abuse… he won't take no for an answer… all red signs you need to cut all communication and move on quick.

22. There appears to be inflexibility on his part. It's his way or the highway whether it's where you go on vacation, where to eat, etc… it's fine to bend… but not bend over. If life is always his way… if you have to give and give and give… and you get nothing in return… that screams of imbalance and it's time to move on.

23. He doesn't get along with his family. This, like the exes can be tricky ground as well. It may very well be the case that his family has a few unhealthy nut jobs… so how do you know if they truly are toxic for him to be around or if the issue really lies with him? It may take some time to wade through… keep your peepers peeped and your ears tuned to anything that causes your eyebrows to raise.

24. You feel smothered and you need some fresh air. It may be that he is around too much… that his texting is incessant and his calls are making you want to hit ignore and wait just a second… is that his car that just circled your block? This smacks of control and a dose of crazy. Restraining order, please.

25. You find your friends being continually put on the back burner, your sister is ticked, your exercise routine is out the window and suddenly your mom no longer gets calls… he monopolizes all your time and you need balance. It's time to have a talk and if that doesn't fix it it's time to take your life back.

26. Everything is a deal to be made. He bought you dinner and now expects some action. Um, no. Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree and send that dog home.

27. You want a Saturday night in to scrapbook, watch t.v. and have a glass of wine in your pj's. Or maybe you really enjoy going to quilt shows or gardening. He makes fun of you and puts you down for it. Not cool.

28. He gaslights you. He tells you that you look terrible then denies it. You find yourself questioning reality… it's not you, it's him and his crazy hanging out. Run like the wind.

29. There is a cheapness that runs deep in his pocket and he refuses to break that bank open. It won't get better… he will get worse.

30. He's chained to Mama and it doesn't appear that the umbilical cord is going to be cut anytime soon. Run. He will not change… he will not cleave to you… he is so immeshed in her bosom you won't be able to find him. She can have him.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

Bonus! 

Any behaviors that we see when 

dating will typically become ingrained and worsen over time… 

so whatever is irking you

 now will be magnified a zillion 

times down the road. 

This post can also be reversed as signs "she" is not the one for guys. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS: 

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/youve-probably-heard-by-now-at-least-if.html