Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

“Razor Wire” by artur84 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

November 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***********************

Walking in the front door my gray leather booties clacked on the entry floor and I paused to lean over and unzip them. Slipping my feet out of them I set my oversized bag on the zebra printed bench. Wearing skinny jeans and an oversized plaid button down shirt I removed my watch and set it on the Queen Anne entry table.

"Hey! I'm home!" I called out to my mother.

She emerged from the den in her pajamas with an alarmed expression on her face.

"Hey! Where have you been?!" She exclaimed with concern.

I rolled my eyes and yanked the hair elastic off my right wrist so I could begin pulling my hair into a messy bun atop my head.

"Where haven't I been! You would not believe my night! I've just been on a tour of all of DFW, that's where! I don't even know how it happened! How the heck I ended up heading north to Colleyville, I have NO IDEA!" I told her.

Her eyes widened "Colleyville?!" She exclaimed. "What the heck? Well, I've been sitting here getting worried wondering where on earth you were!" She replied.

"I know, I figured you were. I was trying to get home! I STILL don't know what I did wrong… which turn I missed." I admitted as I followed her into the kitchen and began opening the stainless steel fridge to survey what was available to eat. Milk, eggs and leftovers from the dinner I'd cooked the night before of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans were revealed. I was absolutely starving and it was late. I wanted something sweet.

"Why did he not drive you home?" She demanded. "You shouldn't have gone to his place to hang out! Here it is… late, DARK and you can't see well at night. You have NO business out driving at night and he should know that. You're getting all turned around and lost and he's sitting on his ass at his house. There is something wrong with this picture." She told me angrily. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms as she watched me yank a gallon of peppermint ice cream out of the freezer and begin digging into it with a spoon. Peppermint goodness swirled in my mouth from a bite and I waved my spoon with irritation in the air as I spoke.

"Yeah! I know! I shouldn't have driven to his place. I should have just told him if he wanted to see me he could come by here. Instead I'm getting lost and can't see worth a you-know-what because my eyes are so dry." I agreed and then added "I've told him I can't see well to drive at night."

"Yes, yes you did." She nodded "And he should take it seriously. And he should be looking out for you. Supposedly he cares SO much about you and yet you're the one driving at night and getting lost. He should have driven over HERE to see you, taken you out for a proper dinner and then brought you back home." She shook her head "This is all crap. You need a man. A REAL man! These are NOT the actions of a man. A real man does what he's supposed to do without being told to do it." She declared.

I sighed because her words were hitting a nerve of truth and I dipped my spoon in for another cold minty bite and thought about what she was saying. Finally I spoke "I've been questioning whether he's too young. Too immature. I'm just… "I trailed off and was quiet.

She finally spoke "I agree. I really do believe you need someone older. At least fifty to be honest."

I turned and smiled wryly at her "I was born in the wrong time period. I know that. I should have been born in the fifties or sixties. Men of my generation… "I shook my head and took another bite of ice cream "I hate to say it but generally speaking there are so many that are lazy. So many men don't even want to mow the yard, they think Netflix and chill aka a movie and sex is a date. The majority of them are obsessed with Star Wars which I hate. I don't want to sit on my butt and watch movies all the time. I hate sports, especially NASCAR which doesn't even constitute as a real sport but a mind numbing zone you enter comparable to watching a hamster on a wheel. I can tolerate, even enjoy hockey occasionally. I'd like a man who has energy, who makes staying in shape a priority, who can fix something with his hands or at least tries. A man who wants to travel. A man who shows he loves you by ensuring you reach home safely… it goes back to actions not words alone. Someone who enjoys art and design, reads and can form a proper sentence. Someone who is trying to make a difference." I grimaced and shook my head. "I guess I'm just really frustrated." I admitted to her.

"I agree. And you need someone older. You need someone who knows what to do. I'd just hate to see you settle after finally leaving that first cockroach. The next one better be amazing." She reminded me.

"I should have told him to come pick me up. I'm falling back into a lack of boundaries I think." I murmured thoughtfully, mentally chastising myself.

She sighed with exasperation "No, stop that! You're blaming yourself now! HE'S the one who is supposed to be the man here. You shouldn't have to ASK him to come pick you up!" She stressed to me.

"Oh, heck! I know that!" I retorted with furrowed brows. "But at the same time, I NEED to be setting better boundaries. I should have NEVER offered to drive to his place. Yes, if he wanted to see me he should have come over here. He drives so much I was happy to go to him for a change. But dang… at night? Not a good idea. I knew better and yet did it anyway. It wasn't wise. And yet… you're right, at the end of the day, he let me. Shame on him. I'm done." I told her. Then with wet eyes added… "I'm tired of being disappointed. But I am done."

*****************

We know if you've been with someone of a narcissistic nature or a full blown sociopath you're likely a highly empathetic person... a giver. Maybe even to a fault. Maybe to your very detriment. You enjoy helping others and yet... your helpfulness may become personally problematic. Oftentimes later you find yourself irritated, resentful or just plain angry that once again...  you guessed it... you over extended yourself; you gave too much and now you're at best depleted.

So what happens when we continually find ourselves in hindsight giving, giving and giving and then wishing we hadn't? 

There are lessons learned. 

We can take these experiences and begin using them to become healthier. We can use these negative scenarios once we are seeing with clarity to not let them happen again. We can realize that we will have future opportunities to set boundaries and limits regarding how much we give and what we expect of others. Even of ourselves. We have the opportunity everyday to tell ourselves: 

"I will not give too much today. Yes, there are people out in the world that don't give. It's sad, but true. There are people who are selfish. That is an unfortunate reality of life. However... giving too much of my time, my energy, etc leaves me depleted and unhealthy. And I can't love others if I can't love myself first. Boundaries are healthy and I'm not a bad person when I implement them." 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 TIPS ON SETTING BOUNDARIES: 

1. Think back on how often you've said yes. More than likely a lot. Likely you wanted to say no but didn't. Recognize the patterns of past behavior. 

2. Realize that saying no is okay. And that no is an adequate response. We don't have to give further explanation. 

3. Saying yes when we want to say no leads us to feeling mad. We can save ourselves and others a lot of grief by just saying no to begin with. 

4. Stop apologizing when you say no. It's not necessary. 

5. People who have a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no also tend to have difficulty asking for help. They lean toward trying to be too self sufficient and then struggle, becoming stressed out.

RELATED POSTS: 

"The One Everyone Wants": 5 Types To Avoid

When Loyalty Is Absent A Ring Means Nothing

I Love Lucy But Not Ricky's Behavior

The Narcissistic Ex: Crossing Boundaries = Control

“Fence With Barbed Wire” by franky242 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains language 

******************

It was October… fall was finally here… and cooler temps meant Texas was finally reaching low nineties… even eighties… which was wonderful and welcome. Wearing boots, black jeans, a dark sleeveless top and my apron I thanked the sweet customer I was waiting on and handed her her receipt. I walked around the counter to survey the various pieces of furniture that needed to be dealt with… pieces that needed to be moved to the back holding area. As I did so… something, or someone caught my peripheral vision. I turned and noticed a man standing at the end of the checkout holding a comforter set to purchase. I pleasantly called to him that I could help him if he was ready. He began walking toward me and it was then that I came face to face… with my ex. 


"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine…" the line Humphrey Bogart said of Ingrid Bergman's character Ilsa in Casablanca went through my head.

"There's dozens of stores in this town and you… YOU just HAD to come in here!" I steamed to myself silently.

I looked right through him and spoke "Hello. Is this everything for you today?" I asked robotically but not really expecting nor wanting an answer.

He nodded and smiled "Yeah" and moved, trying to catch my eye and engage me "Hey.... thanks for helping us!" He said with a overly cheerful tone.

"Why don't you take a freaking flying leap…" I thought to myself but said nothing and rang up his comforter. 

I told him his total and glanced down at our daughter who stared at me in distress as she knew instinctively it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for me to see him. He swiped his credit card on the machine.

"Hey, sweet pea… it's good to see you." I smiled at her "I love you."

I plucked the receipt as it dispensed from the register and handed it to him.

"Thank you." I said looking through him once more.

He took the comforter set in it's bag by the handle and said thank you as well, taking the receipt.

My daughter looked at me like a stricken hostage as she said "Bye, Mommy" and left with him.


They walked away and out the automatic doors. I turned to face the counter behind me and took deep breaths. "That sorry so and so… I don't believe it's asking too much for him to go shop somewhere else." I thought. "He has dozens of stores to choose from and he comes in here. He could have come in when he KNEW I wasn't working. But… no. What an ass!" I sniped to myself in my head. It was like I needed barbed wire between my ex and I… he knew no boundaries… or more accurately did not care about them… he continued to overstep and play a game of forced interaction… forced supply… forced engagement. It was all ridiculous and yet expecting him to be reasonable and stay away was expecting insane to behave sanely.

In a Narc's eyes when they CROSS BOUNDARIES 

they seek CONTROL over you

My manager walked up and took one look at me "Hey, Jen… are you okay?" She asked with concern painted across her face peering at me intently.

I nodded and noticed I was shaking. Great. Not that again, I thought. "I am… I just had to wait on my ex. I'm really upset he came in here." I confided in her.

She looked at me with empathy and spoke softy "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. If you need to take a break you can. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She told me. I deeply appreciated her words and comfort.

"Thank you, " I told her "I'll be okay… I just wish it hadn't happened." I admitted ruefully.

****************

Most couples… well… NORMAL and HEALTHY couples, they have a relationship of some kind… they date or they marry and then come to the decision… either mutually or alternatively one or the other decides that this simply isn't working. At that point they sit down and have a discussion as two mature adults and decide to part ways… either just breaking up or filing for divorce.

Despite some hurt and maybe heated moments of emotion… despite perhaps heartfelt feelings uttered… maybe overdue and just plain too late… these people can deal with the pain and move on… they divide everything with the help of attorneys… or trade boxes of t-shirts, DVD's and spatulas… even wishing the other person well. They each realize that the other person isn't a bad person… they just aren't right for them… and they can still see admirable, likable qualities in them despite any difficulties they shared that couldn't be smoothed out for the long haul. This is what mature healthy adults do when handling the disappointing fallout of a relationship however longterm or short lived.


But with a narcissistic sociopath? 

It's just not happening. They never go away. They never completely disappear. They never take the hint that moving on is exactly how it's stated… moving on. That means for the mentally insane and inept folks out there: You don't just keep popping back up like a jack in the box and reappearing in your ex's life. You hit the door and don't look back. You go through the grief and pain of the breakup and come out the other side renewed and ready to spring back into life… healed and ready for a new chapter… a new chapter of self and spiritual growth and even possibly love again. You don't continue to engage with your ex and make them… FORCE them to give you face time. Instead, you move on and give them their space.


20 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath 
May Do During/ After A Break-Up:

1. Show up at your place of employment or home.
2. Call incessantly.
3. Call at 4 in the morning and hang up.
4. Leave dozens of voicemails… angry, tearful, raging, etc on your phone.
5. Send dozens of text messages that threaten, plea or rage at you.
6. Harass your friends via social media.
7. Stalk your Facebook.
8. Make fake accounts and stalk your Facebook.
9. Change your address for your mail.
10. Intercept your mail.
11. Hide your children from you and or alienate them from you.
12. Threaten to take your children from you.
13. Turn off your utilities, cell phone, water, etc.
14. Key your car.
15. Puncture your tires.
16. Suddenly insist on passports for your children.
17. Have his friends harass you either via phone, text, or showing up at your work or home.
18. Parade his new supply around you to "make you jealous".
19. Send flowers and beg you to stay with him.
20. Bug your phone, hack your email and track your car via GPS.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you are experiencing any or all of these toxic behaviors you don't have to feel alone.

There is help.

You can get assistance at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) via the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year. You can also file a police report so the behavior is documented. 

RELATED POSTS: 

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You

"The One Everyone Wants" - 5 Types To Avoid

image by gps grace power strength 

Spring 1994 

names have been changed or omitted in this post 

******************

It was spring of 1994… temps were becoming warmer as the months rolled by and in the small office where I sat there was not much but a simple desk, a tall indoor plant and small bulletin board that hung on the wall. Bright sunlight streamed in from the windows despite the mini blinds being closed. It was becoming hot in the small bright room despite a small clip-on fan clasped to the edge of the desk helped to circulate air. I sat in the oversized black swivel chair slightly rotating back and forth, relishing the cool air hitting my porcelain skin and face. In the adjoining room behind the closed door I could heard the muffled grunts of men and rapid Vietnamese being emitted by them in short orders. The sound of machinery was heard as well and as I sat wondering how much longer I had to wait before we were off to the next stop for the day, the door suddenly opened. Bao burst in and he gave me a quick look, "Come, come with me." He motioned with his hand and I rose to follow him into the dark din.

Inside the garage were several work areas… sunlight shone in from the door that was opened to the outside and Bao turned to me "I'll be back." He said and I nodded, transfixed in watching all the activity around me. Waiting, I ran my hands through my dark hair sweeping it back off my face to stay cool… men were disassembling vehicles with deft skills and wore protective eye gear… music played from somewhere in the background but it was barely detected due to the deafening noise. Wearing snug black flared pants, black kitten heels and a slightly oversized t-shirt of Bao's I'd tied off low on my hip, I finally carefully made my way through the chaos to just inside the doorway of the garage.

Bao pulled up in a slick black vehicle with the drivers window down. He eased to a stop beside me and smiled winningly up at me with his dark eyes and wide grin "Well? What do you think?" He asked me.

I loved it and marveled at it's beauty… taking in the lines and then viewing the interior, I spoke "It's beautiful. What is it?" I asked him… He gently grasped my left hand with affection that I had rested on the edge of the open window and his eyes twinkled at me.

"Supra" He told me and gave me an electric smile "It's the one everyone wants."

*******************

"It's the one everyone wants." Sometimes his words echo in my head even today, more than twenty years later… because guaranteed there is someone today who wants something they can't have. Maybe it's a vehicle, maybe it's a mansion… perhaps it's a boat, motorcycle or… maybe it's someone. Perhaps there is someone who wants you, that has made it clear in no uncertain terms they want to be with you… that they enjoy your personality and company… and also that they desire you on the physical level… they would love to be with you, to call you their special someone and potentially marry you.

The only problem is… the biggest problem of all… they don't want Christ. They want you and all the glorious aspects that come with you but please leave Christ at the door.

It would be wonderful of course if 

Christ was who everyone wanted….

The person who wants you doesn't want to accept the reality of the matter; that you are a package deal… Christ comes with you and He comes first. Instead, like a car being picked to pieces at the chop shop they are choosing which pieces they believe work for them… they may not tell you that you cannot worship Christ but we can bet as sure as the sun is hot they won't be leading you to Him… instead it will be comparable to you playing a game… a game of tug o'war… with one hard yank you may just be dragged into who-knows-what by the unbeliever… or just as bad… perhaps you decide it's simply not worth the battle and give in; tossing the rope aside and leaving Christ behind.


So what do you do? You speak up. You set boundaries. You draw a line in the sand graced with love and enough salt to let them know you mean business… that Christ comes first and no one else… that anyone who wants to be with you but not Christ shouldn't cross over that line. Jesus spoke up when needed… at times it wasn't popular… but He spoke anyway because He cared and wasn't going to compromise on what was right just to keep the peace.

People pleasers, door-mats, "Yes" people… all these terms we loosely throw around… they sum up behaviors of people who struggle with setting boundaries with others. People who struggle with setting boundaries are often times targets of people of a narcissistic or even worse sociopathic nature.

It's vital we learn to recognize the fact that some people will do anything… lie, trick, manipulate, deceive, etc to get what or who they want… they will do anything except accept Christ and lead you to Him. But we don't have to compromise our belief system nor should anyone expect us to.

WE DONT HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING 

IN THE HOPES OF GAINING 

A LITTLE SOMETHING

that little something being 

what we think is 

LOVE.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Whether you've been a follower of Christ for years or you're a new believer and uncertain what Christ wants for you in terms of a significant other…. it's time to review some basics.

1. Unequally yoked… is going to be referring to the majority of people out there in terms of a potential partner if you're a Christian. An unbeliever may be a great co-worker, friend, exercise buddy etc but not someone you would want to join in marriage with. (Likewise just because someone states they are a Christian doesn't mean they are living for Christ). An unbeliever won't have your best interests in mind; they have not made Christ the center of their life and any decisions made between you will inevitably end with you being the one who has to compromise… leading you further from Christ instead of closer.

2. "The Daddy's Girl" or "Mama's Boy"… pass on folks who have this unhealthy attachment to their parent as it creates huge dysfunction in a marriage. I lived with this continuing interference for years in my own marriage. Every week I notice my neighbors mother arrive multiple times at their home; even at times when they aren't there. She is there so often I initially mistakenly mistook her for the man's wife… imagine my shock to realize that was his mother months later. A parent who is so immersed in a couples relationship and home doesn't add to or enhance their life… it merely divides… bit by bit causing irreparable damage.

3. Addictions & Idolatry… Christ wants to be first in our lives and when we allow ourselves to consume anything that can harm our bodies… alcohol, drugs, porn, etc… or even idolizing false gods… dabbling in gambling, horoscopes, palm reading, etc… we are allowing darkness to enter versus light. Someone I know recently purchased a Buddha statue for "decorative purposes" for her home… she innocently enough believed this to be harmless and was excited about her new find.. imagine her shock when the neck broke off upon purchasing it. Maybe we need to be more in tune to what we are bringing into our homes and creating an environment that is pleasing to the Lord.

4. Selfishness… Christ is the epitome of love (selfishness is the polar opposite) and someone who is not checked in, who doesn't care about your needs, desires, wants, etc is not showing love but instead a self-imposed campaign of loving themselves. Partners who are healthy realize each person needs to share their hopes, fears, dreams, joys and faith… they expect each other to openly share in the safety net of one another… not one person stonewalling and ignoring when support is needed… or one person dominating all conversations about themselves. There should be a mutual give and take, back and forth.

5. The Controller… he (or she) tries to tell you what to think, what to do, how to be, etc… you not only don't agree on each other's actions as individuals but you aren't in agreement on how to parent either. The person who takes the reins in an overt manner because it's going to be "their way or the highway" is merely a bully… they may try to present it as "they know best" because they are older, they are the man or maybe they have more experience or knowledge in whatever it may be… but this isn't a partnership as we can see… this is a dictatorship. The one who tries to control your feelings, your voice, your whereabouts, your decisions, etc… they will surely also at some point try to control your faith as well.

RELATED POSTS: 

MARRIAGE: 5 LESSONS LEARNED

BEING YOUR HUSBAND'S #1 FAN

DESPERATION: DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT

When The Ex Makes The Child "The Messenger"

When we grow up with an emotionally, verbally, perhaps even physically abusive parent we naturally have ambivalent feelings toward them. As children we may understandably have difficulty grappling with the fact that this person… the one who is to care for and keep us safe is actually inflicting great damage and hurt. In that we may waffle back and forth… one minute being frightened of their potential wrath and yet still obviously desiring their approval. As with all children we want our parents approval, affection and love… and daughter's very much want their dad's. This is why if a woman had a father who was less than involved or loving as a child she may then later turn to a man to fill that void she feels within. This unfortunately potentially leads to her becoming involved with a man who treats her as terribly as her father or even worse… hence the cycle continues and another generation suffers.


And yet in all this… as little girls we want our dad to show his love, care and affection for us. We want to know he hears us, he values us, that we have his loyalty and he has our back. I struggled for years with trying to make sense of the fact that my dad was not the healthiest person for me to be around… being strong willed and vocal about how his ways weren't the norm, him resisting my truth, yet my fearing his wrath… and deep down wanting his approval… it messes with a child emotionally. We grow up naturally wanting someone to feel safe with… and the value we place on emotional safety is huge. As a child we want to believe the best in the male role model in our life. It stands to reason while residing under the same roof we may not only scatter like scared kittens when we hear him on the angry prowl but yet yearn for him to know us. It's not really black and white… there is actually much gray area to muddle through and as kids we dissect it all… we analyze it to death… trying to figure out how we can appease our parent without getting annihilated in the process. It is without a doubt walking a fine line and one that causes much internal distress in a child.

Here's the truth…. 

A child who is truly wary of his or her parent still wants to please them on some level. They won't claim to "not feel safe"… but instead they struggle in an internal battle within… they see the horrible actions by this person yet they want them to be the parent they so desperately need them to be. Eventually… years down the road they may make that decision as an adult to cut ties with their abusive parent… but not without pain and a feeling of loss. 

Whereas a child who makes statements of "I don't feel safe with you" is being coached by an adult in their life… to be "the messenger"… a child who views one parent in a limited black and white perspective is not struggling with ambivalence but in reality alienation. 

What if a mother requests her son to please brush his teeth before bed? That would be a reasonable… even an expected request of any parent who is looking after their child's well-being… namely dental health. But instead the child reacts defiantly toward his mother… he refuses to brush his teeth and what's more… he retorts he "doesn't have to do anything she tells him to!" Now she's met with him lashing out… slamming his door, throwing things… attacking her upon her attempts to calm him down. Nothing works, his anger escalates and he injures her… bruises speckle her arms and legs along with hateful language spewed at her by him. 

He retreats to dad's…. to cool down and yes, his mother is perfectly fine with him doing so… at least for an interim of time because she's exhausted… mentally and physically spent from his tirade toward her. But as time passes the son realizes he wants to stay at dad's house… after all, dad's house doesn't have rules… he doesn't have to brush his teeth if he doesn't want to. 

Now mom is feeling rejected by her son… even if she can no longer physically handle his abuse toward her… understandably so, she feels hurt…. and her son's father is enjoying the satisfaction of having their son to himself… he's basking in the glow of being the "super dad"… the "rescuing dad"… the one who is happy to provide that safe place for their son to flee to… it's an ego stroke… because mom is so "unreasonable" and any other myriad of excuses he can possibly come up with. 

And yet… 

Mom has done nothing wrong. She simply set healthy boundaries, as we can see. She told her son he wasn't allowed to hurt others… to not inflict harm and pose as a threat to himself or family members. She set reasonable expectations of any child… brush your teeth and don't hurt people. And despite all that… she's the one who is being pegged at the "bad guy"… the "problem"… etc. 

So as a parent what do you do if your child is now viewing you with contempt? If they have been alienated from you? How do you handle coping with the fact your otherwise delightful and sweet child… perhaps at times your "challenging child"… erroneously perceives you to be some type of monster? As a parent we have to tread carefully here. We can certainly continue to call our child out on his or her rude, (and should) perhaps even downright nasty and contemptible behavior toward us. But we can do that with firm love. We can do that without anger, without yelling, without freaking out on them. We can very simply state "That's disrespectful"… "Please use a nicer tone when you're speaking to me"… "It hurts my feelings when your tone is rude toward me"…


This way we are addressing the specific actions of the child… we are stating that his or her words hurt… that yes, even as adults we have feelings as well… and in that we can tell our child… "It sounds like you're angry with me. Do you want to talk about it?" … or "Your tone seems irritated toward me…  I'd love to hear how you feel… but I need you to use a respectful tone please." It takes a strong parent to step in and teach character building skills of gentleness with their child who is treating them like yesterday's discarded newspaper when they may very well feel anything but charitable toward their child… there is deep rooted hurt within and no one blames you for being angry and hurt over it. But harboring those hurts doesn't help our child come back to us… instead it ultimately pushes them further away…  right into the arms of the alienating parent with a personal agenda.


Instead we can acknowledge that when our child is using hurtful words to wound us… it's not really our child who is using them. He or she is merely the messenger. We often want to "shoot the messenger"… but reminding ourselves that it's actually the words of our ex coming out of our child's mouth… it's our ex's manipulative ways and he's handed our baby the gun… our child is in a very real internal battle within… a battle of loyalty… we can keep this in mind… and when we do… we can view our child with love not frustration.


We may not have taken the steps we need to… we may have had difficulty seeing the situation for what it is… it may be difficult when entrenched in a situation emotionally for so long that we aren't able to see the bigger picture… but fret not… no need to wring your hands. You have today… you have tomorrow… we have a new day to begin again. And one day your child will look back and see your love for them… and they will know that you loved them enough to keep trying no matter what.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

sharing and commenting! 

When Loyalty Is Absent A Wedding Ring Means Nothing

Summer 2014 

******************

Clutching my black planner and notebook in my left hand… my summer bag hanging on the crook of my right arm… I made my way through the crowd murmuring happy late morning greetings to each other. Gliding slowly through the sea of people mingling, my eyes searched the room for a seat... taking pause to exchange smiling hello's with several people I knew and introductions made to a few new friendly faces. The room was quickly filling up… all the seats were taken so I made my way carefully to the back of the room where long banquet tables presented sandwiches, fruit, and iced tea.


It was then while my brown eyes glanced around in search of any extra chairs along the back wall our eyes met. He stood over to the side of the room with a couple other people… he was average height and build, in a jacket and slacks… light brown hair and piercing eyes… his gaze stayed steady on me then turning to his peers, said something I couldn't make out and excused himself. I looked inquisitively for a wedding ring and upon seeing one gracing his left ring finger I saw him heading my way. He strode right up to me and asked how I was… extended his hand and introduced himself… inside I intuitively bristled but nevertheless my face smiled and I shook his hand firmly… he offered to go get me a chair, I thanked him, then I immediately excused myself to get something to drink… my gut telling me to keep my distance from him.


It was after the class was in session… him sitting in front of me… continuing to glance back in my direction… yet patting the back… then rubbing the back of the attractive blonde in front of me… I cringed inside. As I took notes from our instructor and tried to watch the demonstration on the screen at the front of the room I was distracted by his behavior toward her… him touching the top of her head, leaning in close to her and whispering something under his breath in her mass of blonde hair… her low laughter emanating from within… I shifted in my seat feeling extremely uncomfortable, glancing around to see if anyone else was noticing this open display of affection… he was undeniably married and yet was pawing all over her. Even though violence solved nothing I couldn't help but think if I was a man and her husband I'd be tempted to punch this guy. I observed him checking out each woman's derrière as they slipped past him… feeling disgust rise within, I would bet money his wife wouldn't like his hands on this woman either and as I watched it continue my thoughts did too… wasn't this was one of the things wrong with society today?… boundaries seemed to be often blurred… especially in the workplace… no wonder there were so many infidelities linked to work or work related events… classes, workshops, happy hours were all potential breeding grounds for less than professional behavior ensuing… if both parties are single… well, then to each his or her own… but married? The reality of potential disaster is great.


I see people wearing wedding rings today and when I see them I wonder if the person wearing it values what their ring represents… a few of the predatory mindset may certainly view rings as a challenge… but hopefully most folks view them for what they are… an outward expression of a covenant with another person… sacred vows taken… in the name of love. After having had the large diamond, the glint, the twinkling adornment on my own finger… I know that without love… without loyalty it means virtually nothing. It's ironic how an expensive ring can suddenly be deemed worthless in one's eyes upon the disheartening realization that it's representing a facade… a false love that isn't really love at all… but instead a sham, a joke.

A wedding ring speaks nothing 

about the union between two people…

But a couple's behavior speaks 

volumes about their loyalty. 

It can be bewildering how is the complicatedness of adulthood… the relationships failed and the mix of emotions… how we may yearn… long for a simpler time… a time when we were younger and love was simple, it was easy, it was without all the disappointment that comes with being an adult. Love notes adorned with the handwriting of our childhood, Valentine's exchanged in class… hand cut hearts, messy from adolescent scissor cutting not quite skilled in graceful curves… the sweet simplicity of a young life where if you said or wrote "I love you"… you honestly meant it… and anyone who messed with you on the playground got ran off… anyone who called you names, pulled your pigtails or french braid was told to "cut it out" … a time when stickers, lollipops and folded notes were expressions of great love… they were all we had… as children all we could give… and in our eyes they held great value. Maybe that's the problem… maybe we've forgotten the value of the little things… the value of simple… how a pipe cleaner, a piece of string tied on our finger and sealed with a kiss mean so much more when backed up with loyalty… these tiny things… these representations of love surpass any expensive solitaire diamond when fused with infidelity.

I don't know about you...

 but if I had to choose… 

I'd rather wear a pipe cleaner,

 a piece of string… 

a twisty tie on my left ring finger 
and have a true committed love 

than a glittering rock than means nothing. 

So to the future...

The one with the twisty tie, the cut out heart, the ring pop…

And with a heart full of loyalty… 

when life is storming and raining down on us I will gladly share my umbrella with you... I'll take your strong hand in mine and in step we'll take the sidewalk together… rain drops from Jupiter surrounding us… grasping your hand I'll look at you and smile... just as we skip the puddles and hurry inside the door closes... rain may pitter patter on the roof but inside were safe... life's storms can have the world while we have each other... 

when I see you pushing yourself, extending yourself beyond your limits and doing the awe-ingly impossible I'll take pause... when you push and exert strength in ways physically that builds on your health and adds years to your life it is incredibly attractive… I'll join you and yet to each his or her own personal race toward the satisfaction of great health… aren't we to be each others undying cheering section for without loyalty the race has already been lost… 

when I glance up to see your deft hands typing something on the keyboard and you look lost in thought I'll walk up and lean in... whisper soft love on your ear and caress your shoulders… your love shines brightly when I'm with you but it's in our absence that people see it… emanating from our hearts for each other… as loyalty is most noticeable when one of two is missing… 

when you catch my eye and give me that look of "there's my teammate" across the room… I'll silently smile mega watts at you and inside my heart will be shouting "Go, babe!" in all you do to help the world become a better place… and in those moments of when I have self doubt you will whisper in my ear and say "You can do it…" It's in those quiet moments of being wrapped in your arms like a comforting down blanket that reflection sets in… I adore your idealism and yet see so much strength in how you handle reality.

when praying I'll take your hand in mine… treasuring what's to come, knowing this isn't the final place we will walk… but one day in Heaven amongst not just golden sidewalks but beautiful lavender fields and grassy knolls peppered with cherry blossom trees… for you as well look to the long term not the immediate… we know nothing is too insignificant to pray for… and praise is never underrated… we will be yoked together… going to the same place… one of eternal beauty and peace…

when those midnight moments pop up… tucking my head under your chin… your scent on my face… love beating in our chests and being comfortably knit together like a warm pretzel... that our loyalty for one another reminds me of an anchor… it keeps us grounded… and we don't have to have each other but we choose to… because love isn't given out of an obligatory requirement or force but because two people have chosen to share the love and hope for one another's soul…

when were tired and worn… exhausted from this marathon called life… we will sit clasping hands and our love will hold more meaning than anything financially gained… we will have lived a full life… a comfortable life… a life of meaning and truth…enjoying the explosion of spring color and the fruits of our labor… gardenias, althea's in bloom and sedum sprouting… all our hard work will have come to pass… and yet despite all the roses, all the lilies, all the hydrangeas…  in that setting tangerine hued sun the best gift you and I could give is our constant loyalty…. tied up in a ribboned bow on my finger… priceless and yet so incredibly substantial… the stuff heady dreams are made of and yet for us it all came true.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

May you always have loyalty,

 as when you have it... 

you also have love 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Confronting The "Other Woman" 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/08/confronting-woman.html

Cheating: Off The Narrow Path Step By Step

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/cheating-off-narrow-path-step-by-step.html

Because I Can

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/because-i-can.html

Divorce & Kids: Drafting The Final Decree ~ 10 Tips

disclaimer:

like all decrees and the law they vary from state to state 

and country, so be sure to ask your attorney what is 

legally permissible in your divorce decree... this post is merely to be used as

a brainstorming of ideas between you and your attorney

I had no idea until after the finalization of my divorce and receiving the final copy of the divorce decree that had been filed in court how many things were amiss… things that should have been included yet had never occurred to me during the course of the divorce due to my own inexperience but later in retrospect I realized were must haves.

When going through a divorce we may be asked by our attorney:

"What do you want to do? What do you want to put in the decree?"

If we don't know the questions to ask… if we aren't knowledgeable about what we can include in a final decree we may be left scratching our heads wondering "Ummm, I don't know? What should I put in it?"

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
 for tomorrow will worry about itself.

 Each day has enough trouble of its own.” 

Matthew 6:34 (NIV) 

We naturally look to our attorneys for guidance in this arena… and obviously hope for some active input without having to drag it out of them. Yet also part of the equation is our ex. We know him (or her) better than anyone so even though our attorney may really see no need for meeting at a neutral location for exchanges and believe we are exaggerating much to our irritation… the truth is… it's going to impact us long after the ink is dry on the decree… not our attorney once finished with our case and having moved on in life.


In Matthew 6:25-34, 
Jesus specifically told His followers not to worry about food or clothes because God would provide for their needs, just as He does for the birds of the air. This promise of provision and protection applies to all areas of our lives, including help with our problems and easing our inner-most anxieties.


You, the parent is who is going to have to deal with the ex and find a way of co-parenting that is healthiest for you and your children. If this means meeting to exchange them at a neutral location versus your home and thankfully not having your ex in your face on your front porch trying to push boundaries, then yes, it's essential for your decree to reflect what is best in regards to your situation… not what is easier for your attorney's office to draft.

So what can you have put in the final decree?

Naturally it depends on your personal situation. We can't get too crazy but we can definitely set some reasonable boundaries. The most important thing is we don't want our decrees to be so vague that were always having to check in with our attorney for clarification (that gets expensive quick) because what is printed in black and white the ex "interprets" differently than what you're reading in plain and simple terms.


Obviously any ideas listed here you should run by your attorney first and foremost to get their thoughts and how they apply to your situation.  If you're new to all this and have no clue what to even ask your attorney for… depending on your ex's behavior here are some general ideas for your decree to get you started thinking about specifics and run by your attorney…



1. EXCHANGING THE CHILDREN:
Have a neutral meeting place to exchange the children. Maybe this is McDonalds. If your ex is prone to violence a police station might be a wise choice. A neutral meeting place keeps you off your own turf and significantly brings down any power plays going on.


2. DRINKING:
You can have your decree state no drinking while in the presence of the children. If you put this in the decree like any other behaviors you're perhaps asking your ex to not engage in while in the presence of the children keep in mind that you will be held to this rule also.


3. PHONE CALLS:
Phone calls are often a big issue between ex's and their children. Parents want to check in with their children periodically during the week and say hello. But then they are met with phones no one answers and continual voicemail. They are ignored and times when the children are to call one parent they don't.  Get around this continual source of friction by having the decree state maybe two or three nights a week (ex; if you're doing 50/50) they can talk to their other parent for 15-30 minutes. Days and times can be specifically put in the decree.


4. DATING & BOUNDARIES:
You're recently divorced and come to find out your ex decided it would be a stellar decision to introduce the children to the woman he cheated on you with during the marriage… or maybe just some random woman he met at a bar last week… or last night. You can get around this fiasco by having the decree state he (or she) must be in a one year exclusive relationship before introducing the new partner to the children. At least then if it's not followed you have it in writing what was to be followed.


5. HAVE A START DATE:
Your final decree possession schedule should have a start date… if you don't know where to start from how will you know what to do next year?


6. KIDS & TAXES:
If you have two children, the tax deductions are easy. Each of you can take one child… if you have first choice… as a mom if you're receiving child support choose the younger child, as they will turn eighteen later.


7. SUMMER SCHEDULE:
You can alternate longer periods of time with your children in the summer to make vacation planning easier. It might be that you alternate two weeks versus every other. I can't say I personally agree with this scenario in my own situation but for couples who have an amicable co-parenting relationship that is free of one parent being manipulative, controlling, etc and putting the children's best interests ahead of their own… then it certainly may be a good fit.


8. THERAPY:
The final decree can state specifics regarding the children's on going therapy… like who they should be seeing, how often, etc. It might be wise to have a back up of one or two other therapists you've agreed upon listed in the decree in case something happens to your current therapist… like they move away or your insurance suddenly stops paying for sessions. It's always good to have a back up plan because trying to find agreement on a new therapist for the kids might be like butting heads with your ex… and if you can't agree… guess what? You're going to spend a bunch more money on mediation or court fees.


9. ELECTRONICS: 
If you don't agree your kids should have their own cell phones and yet your ex does… you don't have to give in to what you don't believe in. You can have the decree state that electronics won't be brought to your home. You can also video tape exchanges with your phone for your own protection. You can record a call that is between you and your ex. If your ex is technologically savvy and you believe he wouldn't hesitate to bug your phone, your home, your car, etc… spend the money to have your property swept for peace of mind. If your ex has your vehicle tracked without your knowledge you can notify the police and file a report and have the device removed.


10. CO-HABITATION:
You can have a morality clause in your decree where it's prohibited for your ex to have any overnight guests in the home. Will he (or she) follow it? Only you know the answer to that… but it may be something that you should add if they are dating before the divorce is even final… which is not in the children's best interests at all… before the dust has even settled. When in doubt it's always best to have everything in writing so later if something was to happen you can point out to the judge that x,y,z was not followed… it's always better to be prepared.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

A Must Read For All Parents & Judges: Sociopaths and The Family Court System 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-must-read-for-all-parents-judges.html

The Devil Works In Child Custody And Yet I Praise God 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/the-devil-works-in-child-custody-and.html

Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/fifty-fifty.html