The Best Of Me: 5 Truths In Life

Last Friday afternoon found me sitting in a movie theater… escaping reality for a little while and enjoying some much needed down time. The Best Of Me was a tear jerker like nearly all Nicholas Sparks stories… and I left not only with a wad of wet kleenex in my purse but reeling from the emotionally charged film. If you haven't seen it or heard of it it's a story of two high school sweet hearts who take different paths and eventually find themselves meeting up again due to events out of their control.

*********************

I opened the door to my SUV, sliding on the brown leather seat, tossing my oversized bag onto the floor of the backseat behind me. Sunlight streamed into the windshield and I winced from the harshness of it despite wearing Jackie O style sunglasses. The late afternoon sun was in full force and even though my stomach grumbled it was hungry I knew it had to wait… I was needed back at the office… work called.

Beside me, my mother flipped her visor down to shield the light from her eyes and she pulled her seat belt across her, buckling it in place. Starting the ignition I breathed in deeply through my nostrils and felt the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders begin to slowly release as I exhaled.


"What did you think of it?" I asked her… backing out of the parking space and slowly making my way across the lot toward the street. The late October weather was mild and finally boots were justified… fall is terribly fleeting in Texas… it barely makes it's presence, like a flirt it disappears as quickly as it comes before winter settles in full force.

"It was a little rough… rougher than what I expected." She murmured and I immediately detected her disapproving tone.

I myself had not expected it to be that rough… I was expecting sappy and sweet not what it had delivered… a mix of heart gut wrenching emotions that had left me feeling more drained than anything. I affirmed my agreement with her with a murmur.

"What did you think?" She asked me… "Did you like it?"

"Parts of it… " I replied slowly and cautiously… "Parts of it I was disappointed in… there was no justification for them as high schoolers to have sex… it wasn't sweet or endearing… this is a PG- 13 rating… it sends the message to young teens that this is okay behavior… that scene was disturbing… it bothered me." I told her with a furrowed brow. "And… " I continued, "They didn't learn their lesson later in life… she's ready to have an affair with him…  even if she is likely from what we can gather married to a jerk. And he was more than willing to let that happen. It was disappointing to see that occur… them together when she wasn't divorced. I wish it had been written differently."


She echoed the same sentiments as well and as I followed the flow of traffic down the main thoroughfare my thoughts spun too… "It's really a story of destruction." I said quietly. "It's a contrast of how maybe you think things should be and then how they really are. It's idealism and painful reality clashing like two opposing planets. It's the age old battle of how life coulda been versus what unfortunately is." I added… "You think to yourself… if only his family would have crawled under a rock… left them alone… they created so much pain and heartache. And it ultimately killed him. It's the injustice of that part and then the struggle that he's not his father. He's not like his family… him realizing his identity is not in them and their sinful ways. He stood for beauty and good."


"And then you've got her family… her dad trying to buy him off to not see her anymore." She added, "That was so cliche… it's been done time and time again."

"True… and yet it happens all the time I imagine in higher social circles." I affirmed and pursed my lips in thought... "How can she respect her father when he behaves that way? Her father is a man choosing to be defined by his wallet not Godly character."

*******************

5 Truths In Life: 

1. You are not your family
You are not defined by your father who beat you, a mother who neglected you or any other scenario… we are not summed up by our relatives, by our bloodline… we are not their mistakes. They are separate from us… their wallet doesn't equate to our value as a person whether it's full or empty. God knows who we are… we are His and we are loved by Him.


2. Missing someone doesn't equate to pursuing them
We all have past relationships whether they are short lived or long and span the course of several years… we may have regrets or simply just wonder from time to time what coulda happened if it had worked out. It's one thing to wonder… but not fixate… eventually we have to let go… release these feelings and connections like a dandelion to the wind. We hurt others when we indulge in our selfish emotions, when we act on them and hold expectations of others. We also hurt ourselves staying in a state of mind that remains in the past… life is about growth, about change… and if it's meant to be it will happen under God's way and blessing not against the grain.


3. Money doesn't solve everything 
True, money can solve a lot, without a doubt… it can solve emergencies that pop up and threaten our monthly budget… it can solve car troubles, an extra high electricity bill come mid-August or even paying for our kids college educations. But when it comes to wielding power and control… money can fall through… not everyone can be bought… a young woman intent on being with a young man she's in love with or vice versa likely isn't going to respond to a father extracting his wallet. True love doesn't engage in bribes or deals.


4. There is bad in the world
It is an unfortunate truth in life. There is bad everywhere and sometimes it hurts. Life isn't fair and no one ever said it was. Why does it happen? Not one of us can fully understand or explain it. Because of this fact many may be quick to dismiss God and Christians… to poo poo at them, claiming they are living in some type of fantasy world without concrete answers. We as Christians may tend to measure our sins in comparison to others and cry "...but I'm better than Suzie Q or John… so why do these bad things happen to me?" It's human nature to think our sin card is a tiny bit better… cleaner, than the person's next to us, at the office or even on social media. Like thinking of our own children or our own home we are each undeniably a wee bit biased. But the truth is we each deserve the wrath and fury of hell… each day we are still here living and breathing on earth it's because of God's great mercy. The fact is… we live in a sinful world and we each have the power every day to infuse light and love into it or contribute to the continual downfall.


5. She/He Is Maybe A Jerk Yet She/He's Still Your Jerk
In life we may be married to someone who is difficult… heck, were all difficult at times… who isn't when we've had a bad day, been sick or it's that time of the month. Maybe on the extreme were married to someone who is emotionally, physically or verbally abusive. Maybe were married to someone who is toxic, who has a "temper" or who is merely absent. We may not love them, we may not want to be around them or maybe we don't even like them… but unless were divorced they are still our spouse… were either married or were not… there is zero in-between or gray area… even separated still means married in God's eyes. Until were legally divorced we shouldn't be involved with anyone physically or emotionally… if we are struggling with this we can go to Him with it… as pleasing God should be first on our list and it shouldn't feel like a chore but a joy to do.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

images via Pinterest 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Weak 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/01/weak.html

Weakness: When We Ask For Grace, Peace & Healing; God Delivers

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/when-we-ask-for-grace-peace-healinggod.html

Old Flames: "Love Is Peace-Seeking And Selfless Not Turmoil And Self-Seeking" I Told Her

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/old-flames-love-is-peace-seeking-and.html

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html

Old Flames: "Love Is Peace-Seeking And Selfless Not Turmoil And Self-Seeking" I Told Her

December 2013 

some names have been changed or omitted in this post

***********************

It was a question I didn't expect to be asked. 

And in the last place I ever expected to be asked the question.

Seriously? I thought to myself noting the irony... how and why do these types of things happen to me? Was I on "Punked" or something and just hadn't gotten the memo? It was rather amusing the way life happened sometimes, I thought to myself. 

As we both sat there at the tiny table for two enconsed in a back corner of Starbucks... connected ironically to a place... building... offices I once knew like the back of my hand where I'd once worked many moons ago as a receptionist... where I had met Jeremy a lifetime ago, I watched as couples hand in hand sidled up to the counter to order coffees and hot chocolates that chilly December morning laced with sugar and peaks of whipped cream. Couples in late morning post workout clothes outnumbered the folks in office attire. I sat across from my friend dressed in black leggings and an oversized faded turquoise sweatshirt. 

"An old flame? Yeah, that's definitely a tough one." I affirmed to her, tossing my leopard spotted wallet back into my oversized bag by my feet.

She stared at me blankly with surprise, then shrugged with frustration and looked down at the smooth table "Yeah... ugh..." She told me with a sigh resignedly. "I don't know what to do... I'm so conflicted about this. I mean, the couple friends I've opened up to I regretted it. They were so harsh with me. They told me to not contact him at all…  they told me to just stay as far away as possible. But I really do value our past and wish on some level we could keep in touch. Is that wrong?" 

Years ago my mind would have screamed Get. Me. Out. Of. Here. and my eyes would have darted toward the exit as if I could just magically propel myself toward it like a comet and disappear. But where I'd once been weak I was now strong. I knew letting her see my own past angst and pain from it would make her not feel so alone… on what she likely felt to be a desolate island.

I tugged at my leather bracelet hugging my right wrist

 stamped with the word LOVE and began… 

"I've been there. I personally know what you are going through."I admitted to her...  "God, do I know." I added dryly. "I've been in the depths of this myself… not sure what to do… really hurting, incredibly confused and overwhelmed. I've experienced the conflicting within… the struggle. And it is the hardest thing." I added and then with thought continued… " I'm not surprised by their response in what they told you. And they have every good intention, really they do… please don't be mad at them." I stressed to her… "They just don't want to see you do something you'll regret, to hurt yourself or him. Nearly the majority of those you talk to about this situation will have that response. And part of what I tell you will include that. But... " I trailed off, collecting my thoughts. I paused, wanting to make sure I was giving her a balanced response... "This is what I would consider and then you will have to take some time to mull it all over and make a decision. I think the best thing to do is look at this from a few perspectives." I told her. 

She sipped her coffee…
"Okay," she nodded leaning forward as if I was about to give her some secret code to the universe itself.

I dabbed at the whipped cream atop my hot chocolate with a stirrer as I began... 

"If someone hasn't been through this it's often hard for them to see the mixed feelings and emotions. They may not realize the enormous guilt you feel and the struggle with the idea of reconnecting with them. For people outside of it, who have never experienced it, it's easy for them... it can be very black and white thinking. It's a big blinking sign to them of 'DO NOT ENTER' and 'no, no, no!' Which... honestly… depending on where you are at emotionally, is right, wise, and sound advice. Here's the thing... to keep in mind when considering reconnecting with someone you cared for and or loved in your past... what are your intentions? You may first be curious. Or you may be missing them, yearning for what could or should have been. You may be wondering if they feel the same way. They may be happily married, they may be miserably married or they may be single and fancy free. You just don't know. But regardless if they are miserable, regardless if they are regretting losing you, regardless if they would want a re-do... if they are married, they are married. Period. Marriage is to be respected. Marriage is hard enough without adding a reconnection to the mix for goodness sakes. If they are married and you are married, that's a real reality.... of course, in your case, you aren't married."  I added. She grinned and I continued... 

"But hypothetically if he's married and all you can have is a friendship... will you accept that?" I asked her pointedly.

She looked troubled, angst showing on her pretty face. 

I knew that look. 

"Okay... let's look at it this way then..." I proposed. "Let's say he's married with the picket fence and the two point five kids, whatever. You have choices…  you can choose to not reach out or to reach out. If you reach out it has to be as friends only. Those are the two choices... it's not the choice of instantly living out a fantasy of married life to him if that's where you're at. I'd say no contact if you are not in a good place and expect something of him. In that case, heed the advice of your other friends… keep the door shut. God doesn't wish for us to cause strife, turmoil and pain for others. Love is supposed to be selfless, not selfish. Love is also peace-seeking. Look to Corinthians regarding love. If you believe you are in a place of peace, drawing wisdom and strength from God, proceed with friendship. Take your mental picture of what 'it should have been' in your mind out... remove it just momentarily and instead look at what remains. Realistically the two choices are... would you rather have zero contact or at least be able to be friends? And the next question is, will you choose to do that?" I asked her. 

She traced the top of her cup with her long French manicured index finger and pondered what I was saying. "When put like that, yes. I mean, I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all." She admitted. 

I nodded "Because you care about him that much." I affirmed as a statement instead of a question. 

She nodded "Yeah...  I do care about him. And I'd never want to do anything to cause him hurt." She shot me a look of relief. "You've really made it easier to look at this." She told me and looked grateful. "I value what I had with him even if it wasn't long term. I value him. I would rather have a friendship than nothing." She nodded "I mean... I wish we had ended up together but we didn't... and the truth is...." She trailed off, focusing on a frayed corner of her napkin in her hands. 

"You still care for him." I winced for her struggle.

She nodded with no words. 

My heart ached for her like the earth did on a cloudy day for the sun. Cast in the shadows of the corner table her face just barely revealed tears forming in her hazel eyes that matched her drapey sweater and offset her black jeans and boots. Her dark blonde hair in a messy bun resembled a halo around her head as she picked up the frayed napkin from the table to daintily wipe at the corners of her wet eyes. 

"I'm sorry it's been so hard...." I told her softly… we sat in quiet comforting silence together… then I spoke, "This isn't easy... trust me, I know... but here's the thing... I used to believe we couldn't be friends with someone we once dated and deeply cared for, maybe even saw a future with at one time. Especially if they or yourself are married. But like I said... you have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself the tough questions. I've come to a place of peace and in that I mean this... there are those who will tell you to stay far away and don't go there. And if you have expectations of him you should listen to them. Only you know. If you are secretly looking for reconciliation from him don't go there. If he was to seek something from you while married then you know it's a no go and you need to run and not look back. If you look at the situation from a peaceful, mature, holy perspective… if you look at your two choices…. keeping the door shut or choosing friendship... and keep it as only friendship if you are both or one of you married… then choose friendship. Choose love. And I obviously don't mean a romantic love. I mean an agape love. You deeply cared for this man at one time and clearly still do on some level... what a great opportunity to share Christ-like love toward him in friendship. There's no regret there... how beautiful to be able to include him in your life and share the beauty, the highs and lows, the person you've become... with authenticity and warmth, with no expectations, no pressure, no awkwardness…. that's where I'm at now… life is short and I want to live fully. We can love as one caring Christian to another, keeping with God's standards, not our own, not the world's... what a beautiful testament of life... our feelings may try to imprison us… the devil will use our weaknesses to destroy us but what ultimately wins? What ultimately covers all hurt, pain and loss? Not more pain, not more hurt, illusions or grief. Not shutting the door. Not stuffing our feelings and acting like it didn't happen. Not denying your feelings. But love. Love heals all." I told her boldly….

"Love always makes everything better, because when it's peace seeking it becomes healing and it's glorious." I told her with joy in my eyes and smiled at her. "It's maybe not about reconciliation at all... when we remove that out of the equation, we realize maybe it's about growth and becoming more of who you are meant to be. Maybe it's about loving someone without expectation. Maybe it's loving more like Jesus." I spoke. 

"And who knows... " I trailed off... "Maybe he will become available one day and you can give it a second shot. The statistics show that happens more frequently than we may realize*. And statistics also show those relationships have a high chance at success. But if it doesn't happen? Or if he does become available and he's simply not interested? It's comparable to sitting and watching a pot boil... you have to live your life. You can't sit and wait. Maybe his part in your story is over but if it is... someone better suited is coming. Because God has a plan... He's not making this up as He goes along. He has someone in mind for you. We cause ourselves stress trying to figure out everything in life. Just trust God's plan for you. Pray for the man God has in mind for you. You can never go wrong there." I smiled at her.


She sniffed and wiped at her nose with her napkin... and took a deep breathe, then exhaling. "Thank you " She smiled. "Bless you... thanks for listening and helping me wade through this... you've given me the most help... just trying to look at this... it's tough when you're in it, you know?" She asked and I nodded understandingly.

Man, did I ever know.

I had waded through those rough waters years ago myself and knew them firsthand... I was incredibly blessed to have swam to the other side... to shore and to be at a place of peace and love... we may flail about in life but God won't let us drown... He reaches in and guides us to a place of where the waters sweep the sand... where the seashells glimmer like midnight moonbeams and you wash up on shore... your cheeks flushed from exertion, your tears mixed with the salty drops of ocean water... and you lay there in sweet limp surrender to Him and say "I just want peace. I just want light. I just want to be free." 

...and He infuses you with peace... your body transforming from heavy and burdened to lithe and free... and with peace comes love... with free comes the ability to now share that love... unchained from the past, no expectations... to walk, skip and run with joyful abandon because where we were once weak we become strong... it's not the strongest who survive and inspire... it's those who have been weak, surrender and then thrive. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 


* Dr. Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. has been doing research on reunited couples since 1993 and is recognized as an international expert on rekindled love. Check out her book Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances. You can check out her website: www.lostlovers.com

Related posts: 

Weakness: When We Ask For Grace, Peace & Healing

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/when-we-ask-for-grace-peace-healinggod.html

Proof Of Your Love 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/proof-of-your-love.html


When Plans Change 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/01/when-plans-change.html

                                     

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Projection And Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

“Leaf On Road” by winnond via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

     

       some names have been changed

              or omitted in this post 

              October 2012 

         ******************

I glanced at my Coach watch as I sat in my children's psychologist's waiting room noting it was nearly a quarter to ten... it was almost time, I thought to myself as my eyes surveyed the brightly lit sparse room with magazines, plastic backed chairs and an ocean mural on the opposite wall. 

My cell phone began ringing and I dug through my purse for it, finally extracting it from an inside pocket. Rising from my chair and seeing who the caller was displayed on the screen, I answered it and slipped outside into the breezeway... leaves scuttling along as my camel hued boots trekked through them... a slight breeze was stirring and caused my hair to whip around my shoulders... 

"Hello?" I answered

"Hey..." came the all too familiar voice over the line like that of warm baked bread but today, this morning, it sounded slightly off, like it was pinched and in pain. Two hours earlier I had told him goodbye unbekownst to him for the last time over breakfast and making two school lunches in our kitchen as he hurried out the door to work.

"I just got served... I wish you would have talked to me first." His words came slowly at first but then rapid as if they were like steam being released from a tea kettle in a quick spurt. 

My breath caught momentarily, reality had arrived, and the October wind carried my breath away....

"You wish I'd talked to you?" I repeated what he'd said because I couldn't believe anyone could disperse such an unnerving utterance like that. "Oh, I'm so sorry... Well, I wish you'd talked to me first... before you decided to go screw other women." I replied into the phone as my long hair whipped around my head. 

"You had indiscretions!" came the verbal assault back at me ninety to nothing and I clutched the phone so as not to drop it on the hard pavement in shock.

"What?!" I gasped. 

"Yeah! With Jeremy! You did!" He half yelled, half retorted back and I was now thoroughly convinced he'd fallen and hit his head, maybe suffering some sort of stroke or early dementia because his accusation was just plain crazy. 

"Are you crazy?!" I asked him in dumbfoundedness, my immediate world, my surroundings... the bench, the floor to ceiling glass windows revealing other doctor offices along the corridor of the breezeway suddenly began reeling around me in a dizzying kaleidoscope of colors... 

"Oh my God... have you lost your mind?" I asked him coldly yet not really expecting an answer from him. Shock and fury overwhelmed me that I was standing accused when I had not stepped out and yet he had multiple times. What was worse is he'd pushed for marital counseling through our church which I'd agreed to and yet not during a single session with our Pastor had he once mentioned any infidelities. 

"You fool!" I cried into the phone... "You were so insecure, so certain I must have done something you convinced yourself I did, you continually threw him in my face...  You're throwing everything away over nothing! I haven't done anything! I don't appreciate being accused of something I haven't done and I don't appreciate you accusing him of doing something with me!" I informed him... pity overwhelming me for him on the line... sudden pity that anyone could be so blind, so insecure, so damn stubborn and not see what had stood before him... faithfulness and two sweet children but instead... looking, fishing, for ludicrously "justifiable" excuses in his twisted paranoid mind for his failing concious choices he had made out of selfish sin. Likewise years ago when I'd been single Jeremy may have walked away out of mounting frustration and I had failed out of weakness to share my heart when we'd dated but the man who had vowed to honor, love and cherish me before God had not followed through and now had the nerve to justify his actions on baseless lies he'd created.

"I'll take the stand and a lie detector test! I have nothing to hide!" I told him... "You're the one who cheats and then you come back and accuse me. I am done." I hung up. 

                      ***************

When a spouse has been cheating they may come up with the false idea you have been too. This is called projection. The thief judges by his own condition. They are transferring all of their indiscretions, lies and the facade they've carefully orchestrated for however long as your behavior and the reason for the failure of the relationship. 

But this couldn't be further from the truth. They have lived in their alternative world of lust and lies for so long they have convinced themselves the person they know and love must have done the same as they have, that they too are swept up in a quagmire of extramarital sex and conniving deceit fueled by deeply rooted jealousy and insecurity within.

But they are wrong. 

Cheating spouses may twist and spin the truth to suit themselves, to help them feel better, to massage their fragile egos and to justify their meandering souls. 

But it doesn't work. 

You may feel rightly incensed by the false accusations when you've done nothing, like a piece of your heart has been ripped out and in that you may feel bewildered that the one you're with doesn't appear to know you any better than that. Because even in the worst days of your marriage, the days of frustration and irritation, those dark days together when it would have been so much easier to throw in the towel and walk off, but instead you clung to those orginal vows you made, took a deep breath, dusted yourself off and walked in the next room to begin again... you have remained faithful to the marriage no matter what your emotions of the heart have been, no matter what past regrets you may hold and yet now you stand on the pavement among dry brittle detached leaves of October being told all those many many times you dusted yourself off and vowed to begin again, to not give up and tucked yourself under his chin with your hand clasping his in quiet resolve were essentially all for nothing... to now be told it was essentially a waste of your time. 

It's one of the most tragically tear jerking experiences 

to realize this and the sadness that goes with it. 

You know who you are to your core and eventually you just have to move on and live your life no matter how many times the person continues to falsely accuse you. 

There are always signs of a cheating spouse however subtle... the signs are there...  waiting to be noticed or discovered in the busy day to day activity we call life. Some signs may not be realized until much later, after the fact, in hindsight and you will have moments that cause you to take pause and say to yourself "Now I see why he did this or that... " 

That knowledge certainly doesn't make it any easier to swallow and you may beat yourself up (unnecessarily) but don't.... because it's not a reflection of you... it's a reflection of their character. The truth is... you are brave. You gave your heart... you trusted, you believed, you tried. There will always be things you see later with more clarity that you could have done better in a relationship and in that there is grace too... there are always second chances in life and an opportunity to grow. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

Signs Of A (Possibly) Cheating Spouse: 

1. Any changes physically; working out suddenly, new hair style, tanning, teeth whitening, Rogaine, new wardrobe, etc.

2. New products; new deodorant brand, new music preferences, new cologne, new shampoo, etc. 

3. Shady-ness; won't put his/her cell phone down and seems to be worried you might look at it, now goes to the movies "alone", his work hours change, he/she begins traveling for work more often, hides his history on web browsing, hides calls, deletes texts and photos, makes calls in private or outside, suddenly spends more time with a co-worker, etc. 

4. Cleanliness; suddenly he/she is keeping their car cleaner and their clothes go to the dry cleaners with promptness. 

5. It's all about them; suddenly he/she needs more "me time" and less couple time... he's off to "play golf" or "see a movie" etc when in reality he's meeting "her" or one of many he's seeing.

6. Sex; he's either withdrawn from you and is never in the mood or he's like a raging horn dog all the time... well, more than usual. 

7. You're wrong; and he/she is always right, you can never seem to please them anymore and he/she always seems irritated with you.

8. Turns the tables; he/she used to be a self professed conservative... now their a liberal and wants to make pot legal... you sit there staring at him/her thoroughly convinced they've had a batch of brownies from Portland Oregon over-nighted because clearly he/she's high as a kite. 

9. You're "delusional"; you tell him your concerns that he is going on a work trip and will be riding in a vehicle for several hours alone with someone of the opposite sex. You voice how you don't believe this is appropriate considering he's a married man. He/she dismisses your concern and says you're dreaming up a scenario that will never happen and does what he chooses. 

10. He/she turns on you; he tells you that you look horrible. He says you need to lose/gain weight, he tells you that he's not happy, he accuses you of being unfaithful when you haven't and he has zero evidence of such. 

                    To My Readers: 

                Thank you for reading, 

              commenting and sharing! 

Weakness: When We Ask For Grace, Peace & Healing God Delivers

approx 2005/06

some names have been omitted or changed

this post contains language 

*************************

I sat staring at the computer screen upon opening my message inbox. 

There staring back at me… 
a few simple words yet words that were capable of inflicting so much. 

You do people the biggest disservice when you don't open up. 

- Jeremy 

Pain seared my chest like a knife. Never in all my life's previous harrowing moments up to that point had I had such heartache inflicted on me until that moment. Maybe because it was merely a reminder of the pain I had been inflicting upon myself for years on end. Now that single sentence was in my face, inescapable and the pain I had been inflicting upon myself for my past weakness was confirmed that it could only be assumed it had indeed been painful for him too. 


The pain in that moment amplified times a thousand. That sentence reverberated in my head for years. Amplified and grew to enormous proportions. I cursed myself, I cursed God, I cried, I screamed and I wanted to run...to run anywhere to escape that pain that I was consumed by. 

"Damn you!!!" 

I cursed myself and my past weakness in a blur of tears. 

I had already experienced years of regret that I had been weak and not opened up to him, not shared my feelings. But now.... was there meaning behind that sentence he'd sent? Pain? Anger? Regret? Sadness? Disappointment? Unhappiness?


My heart ached for that man... ached for him and any emotions he was enduring. Ached for myself. And for what could have been. Yet I also felt he was placing blame solely on me which wasn't right. I felt tied to him yet felt so incredibly alone, so isolated on this island of despair, this aching pain that wouldn't cease. It plagued me night and day and I mercilessly berated myself. I had known I had screwed up. I hadn't opened up and he had walked away. It took a long time to finally admit to myself that ultimately we were both at fault. He was as guilty as I was at the end of the day. The end of the relationship was unfortunate and unnecessary. And most of all it was heartbreaking. But at the end of the day I needed to give myself some much needed grace. At the end of the day I needed some peace.  


I had known I'd made a mistake years before in not opening up when we'd dated but once the relationship abruptly ended, I later married and I had committed myself to my marriage. I knew I had made a covenant before God and that I was to take it seriously. Although I loved and cared for my husband my regret and unresolved feelings over that lost relationship with Jeremy had overshadowed my marriage… at first I kept it hidden… later admitting I needed help.  I knew I would never step outside my marriage and I wouldn't ever want a man who would step outside his. In fact, knowing that Jeremy had not sought anything from me outside his marriage made me admire him more. The truth was, he may not have had any interest at that point even if he had been single. The other truth was this: 

I knew I had to buckle down and do everything I needed to do to make my marriage successful despite how I felt. I had continually told myself "my feelings don't matter" and I had to "suck it up." 

We may think to ourselves "This is such a mess" but at the end of the day we can tell ourselves this... the answer is simple: I had made marriage vows and I would uphold them. I had children and I wanted my marriage to succeed. I would make the best of it and I truly believed with my husband we would overcome anything that either of us faced. Because at the end of day, I naievely believed whatever we individually faced we also faced as a couple and together we could overcome. 


I began actively praying to God for help. Help with coming to peace with my choice. I finally embraced the pain instead of trying to squash it. Peace with my feelings would eventually come. We can drive ourselves crazy with the internal "What if's?" and "What if I'd done this differently?" 

But we must remind ourselves that these thoughts are not based on truths, merely hypotheticals or fantasy. Reality is... we are where we are. I began praying not only for Jeremy's well being, safety, health, but his marriage as well. I prayed for my own. I found peace and was finally able to let go but it wasn't without complications. My husband was hurt and nothing I could say or do seemed to improve that. I had needed compassion, support, and insight but he eventually pulled away. That was his choice. Drowning in his own hurt and insecurities he had himself .... he then for years had lashed out at me, regularly inflicting further hurt upon me and our bond, driving a bigger wedge between us. 

********************************

“Jeremy was an asshole. When are you going to wake up and realize that he made the decision to not see you again? He made his choice.” my husband told me darkly, gripping the steering wheel with clenched fists. 


“Don’t you DARE talk about him like that!” I told him,  “Don’t call him that!”


He turned to look at me from the driver's seat, his face turning crimson red and with sheer fury that I was defending him. 


“DAMN YOU!!!!" the words came hurling at me "If he'd loved you, if he had really LOVED you, had wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have RUN AWAY!!! HE GAVE UP!!!! HE GAVE UP ON YOU!!!!! HE GAVE UP ON BOTH OF YOU!!!” he screamed at me, lashing his unbridled anger at me, unable to keep his true thoughts contained any longer, releasing them like a burst balloon when popped, sending them flying like tiny darts. 


"No! Stop it!!!!" I yelled back with tears forming in my eyes, "JUST STOP!!" I wanted to run away from his verbal assault but I was trapped in the moving vehicle and the meanness of his words engulfed the gray interior. 

********************************

When the one we married runs away and gives up on us, we don't have to live in despair. 
I wasn't a sinless wife because I'm not a perfect person. 
I married an imperfect man like all other men.

But thank goodness I'm loved by a perfect God. 

He's looked out for me no matter how many bad choices I've made, 
no matter how much grace, peace and healing I need. 

I don't have all the answers but God does. 

When life doesn't happen how 
you thought it would that is perfectly OKAY. 

God will always listen to you when you cry out for help in the throes of regret. I know this pain. This has been by far one of the biggest struggles of my life.  I know the pain of past regret that you swear at times will eat you alive. You think... I shouldn't have married this person. Or you question.... should I have married this one instead? We have to come to the realization that what's done is done. And focus on God. Focus on you. Yes, you will always care for them but love should be sacrificial and selfless and that means it doesn't always have a happy ending. But YOU can have a happy ending. We have to choose to wish the other person well.  More than any fleshly desire to be with them. Jesus paid the price for those who have sinned, those who have stumbled and those who have made the wrong decisions. The best thing you can do to take that first step of healing is give yourself some grace. Beating yourself up does zero good. You may have made the wrong choice, but we all stumble at some point in our lives. God has a plan for your life and no matter what that plan is, we can trust in Him. Peace is a must, because Satan will only delight in keeping you stuck and enjoy watching you beat yourself up and question everything. Peace can be found through God. The best part? 

He never runs away and never gives up. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

If you are struggling with a similar situation, 

please take heart and know that God is there for you. 

You don't have to walk this alone. 

Other's have been there and we know the difficulties you face. 

Prayer ~ 
Dear Lord, please give me the guidance, comfort and strength needed during this time. Help me receive peace and healing and though I may struggle please keep my walk in line with you and keep me grounded in truths not empty fiction. I know you have great plans for me and you will use this for my good and to reflect more of what you embody, including love for others not selfish expectation. Please forgive me for my sins, stumbles and misguided choices. Bless and bring peace and healing to myself and those whom I have inflicted any pain upon. Amen. 

To My Readers: 

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commenting and sharing!