The Narcissistic Sociopath: The Best Revenge - 5 Tips

“Man Crouched And Holding His Face” by Tuomas Lehtinen via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Narcissistic Sociopath.

Maybe you want revenge on him or her.

We all naturally want justice in some form for the terrible things that happen to us or our loved ones.

It's part of being human.


Maybe you drive along the highway in deep thought or sit awake at night thinking of all the ways this evil one has wrought havoc and pain on your life… still in the recent throes of disentangling yourself from he or she you may allow your mind to travel to the darkest corners and depths wondering what wonderfully ill and terrible outcome could some higher up bring down upon them… or even just by chance... whether it's being hit by a bus, a speeding train, falling off a building or even being cheated on as they did to you… sweet revenge on the narcissistic sociopath may not be too far from our dreams and fantasy.

******************

names have been omitted 

in this post 

"You know that scene in the James Bond movie Casino Royale… the one where he's stripped, strapped to a chair without a seat and his balls are beaten to a pulp?" I murmured.

"Yeah. I've seen it." He replied.

"Yeah, I had day dreams of that happening to him." I told him.

"That must have been quite cathartic." He mused.

"It was." I affirmed.

"With each post I read and saw how he'd treated you… he treated you like a whore... women don't cost men money. Men are happy to take a woman to dinner because they enjoy their company. I guess that's what sets apart boys and men. What he did made me boil with rage." He told me.

*****************

We may eventually find our way out of the intense anger of what the narcissistic sociopath did to us… we may find through the support of therapy and friendships… even through time that healing is indeed possible. But for those who are fresh from escaping a hell like no other… what may often seem like a prison sentence of eternal lifelong death… we know that the thought of wanting the orchestrator of evil to pay for his or her damages unto us and even our children… is never too far from our mind.


When the imbalance of injustice is so great it only makes sense that we as humans want to make things "right". However… we can use our power for the positive… wielding our rightful anger to be used for good we can move forward fueled by it. Moving forward and living well is honestly the best revenge regarding anyone who has done us wrong… but especially in regards to a narcissistic sociopath's heinous actions.

An empathetic person may want revenge in the initial aftermath of the disentangling of a marriage between them and a sociopath… but there is no way to touch them… it would be a waste of perfectly good energy and time… because the truth is… they don't feel remorse thus they won't be affected by your vengeful tactics no matter what you do. 

They want you to be so heartsick over not having them any longer, so broken over the pain they put you through, so incredibly unable to move on in life that you simply can't no matter how hard you try. They want to watch and laugh as you squirm at the antics they continually pull, they want to smart with glee as you nearly pull out your hair at their maddening skills… they want to be tickled pink and amused that you're running back to them, sending them forlorn emails and hopeful texts and yes, agreeing to joining them at dinner with their newest supply as one big "happy family" however sick it really all is. They want to continue to hold that power over you… to be thrilled with the high that comes from it… the inflated ego it swells in them… that yes, you still want them… no matter how poorly they treat you… no matter how terrible they behave… like a sadistic animal they keep reeling you back in for more, the narc believes out of his or her over inflated ego that you won't ever let them go… they are wanting to dominate you, annihilate you, desecrate you while you continue the sickly co-dependent dance of hoping for their eternal affection and love.

One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
'Cause I'm the best baby that they never gotta keep
One, two, three, they gonna run back to me
They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

Ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make 'em all
They won't let go

My ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make 'em all
They won't let go
Ex's and oh's

Elle King - Ex's & Oh's Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


Every time you begin to waffle, maybe begin to waver and hope for a reconciliation… just stop… ask someone to slap you with a splintered ruler… demand a reality check... because no amount of shiny temporary goodness he or she spews at you will forever hide the stinking decay of reality with them underneath. Or maybe you still don't know what you're dealing with… still in the whirlwind spin of bullshit… trying to figure out just what exactly it is that keeps you going in circles with this individual… if you are experiencing confusion with the person you love… that's not normal… love is clear… not clouded… it's best to seek therapy and begin your healing… which leads you to a new chapter… a better chapter… living your best life possible.

The Best Revenge? 

1. Going about your day and suddenly realizing you haven't thought about him or her in hours, days, weeks, months, etc… and smiling to yourself because you realize the thoughts of them interrupting your day are becoming less and less… fewer and farther between… and that is a victory.


2. Realizing and then living no contact in regards to he or she (at least the majority of the time if you are co-parenting). That no contact is truly for the best (it sends he or she a message that you will not be their supply even in a limited fashion) and will only serve to help you heal that much faster… finally peace, calm, solitude and nurturing are yours and you never have to apologize for treating yourself with the care you deserve.

At some point wishing harm, retribution or demise
  upon the narc may instead be replaced with the thought of:

 "Go away… you stay over there, 
I'll stay over here and I'll forget 99.9% 
of the time that you even exist." 

3. Smiling and not letting he or she think for a minute life isn't great. It may seem cliche to say it… but it's true… life really can get better after divorce… once you're past all the yucky initial grief and transitioning… once life begins to fall into place in a whole new way… it can be better than ever.


4. Owning your power… we have learned so much… we have been through hell and survived… and come out the other side thriving. We know the signs of someone sociopathic and at the very least narcissistic. We know also to listen to our gut and stop doubting ourselves… we know to study ACTIONS not sweet words alone. We have the ability to leave at anytime… to leave anyone… if a new relationship doesn't pan out or we find ourselves doubting this is the one for us or even whom they claim to be… we can own our power in independent decision making skills… and leave. We don't have to invest anymore time in someone who has treated us as an option or releases crazy. We don't have to be a victim… each of us are victors.

You treated me like an option, 

so I left you like a choice

5. Some folks, both men and women don't want another relationship after being united as one with a narcissistic sociopath… and that is okay. But for the rest of us who go through a passage of time and healing and would consider dipping our toes back in to date and explore the possibility of love… true love… with someone who has a kind, empathetic heart… is it worth it? Absolutely. Take that chance, take that risk… the saddest thing in the world would be missing out on someone amazing and always wondering "What if?"


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

1 Peter 5:7 

Cast Your Cares On Him 

Because He Cares For You 

RELATED POSTS: 

PRAYING FOR THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH

DIVORCE & LONELINESS: 7 TIPS

PROJECTION & SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE

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Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

Moving on after a breakup, 
a divorce, what have you,
 can be incredibly difficult… 
but thank goodness
 it is totally doable… 
and with a few tips we can 
have a smoother transition 
from the despairing sniffles of: 
"Oh My Gosh WHAT happened to my life?!" 
to: 
 "Okay I LOVE this new life!"

10 Tips For Moving On:

1. With numerous posts on going No Contact it's no surprise this one makes the list. It can do us no good to keep one foot in the past and one in the future.


2. Getting off Facebook… at least for awhile. Seeing other's posts of their wonderful marriages (or perhaps delusions they have one) may send you either into a wallowing of self pity or retching in the toilet from jadedness. Once you're past the storm and firmly rooted (and thriving) in your new life Facebook may be more enjoyable.


3. There will be a day you are caught off guard that you're happy. That you're truly happy. It may be finding yourself giggling at something… or walking to your car after work and feeling the sun hit your face as you grip the check you earned that goes into your solo bank account… or maybe it's finding yourself humming to a song and feeling light again. Whatever it is, take joy in it… take joy that divorce didn't destroy you. That you're still here and happily thriving. You may throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your passions, your children, etc and find that life really does not just continue after a breakup but can actually become better.


4. Counting our blessings are something that comes with going through a storm and coming out the other side wiser and stronger. So often we hear that God won't give us more than we can handle… but that's simply not true. If He only gave us what we could handle we wouldn't need Him, we'd be self sufficient. Instead, no matter what happens in our life God is there with us and will guide us through… we just have to trust him despite any doubts. When we emerge out of the darkness into the light we can breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for being there with us and for everything we have.


5. Sometimes folks can find themselves addicted to people who are not good for them. Kinda like unhealthy foods, drugs or alcohol… it may be a struggle to completely cut the cord from someone who is not healthy but it's doable and so worth it. (Here is a link to a recommended book) Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, is a sign of instability, dependency and toxicity. Remember that you deserve a love that is healthy and not abusive in any way shape or form. And the alternative of having no one is way better than being with someone toxic.

6. Reflection. It is so incredibly important when it comes to your breakup, divorce, etc. Yes, your ex may be certifiably crazy, I get it. But there are things we can all reflect on that we could have done differently. Now I look back on dinners during my marriage and wonder why I went to so much effort back then. I cooked meals that were often met with: "Oh, I already ate, I had a late lunch at three, I'm not hungry." Yes, it was incredibly insensitive; there is this little invention called a phone (take note). It wasn't like I was serving spam or something… I was making baked chicken complete with Italian breadcrumbs, green beans, red potatoes and rolls with chocolate cake for dessert. If I had it to do over; I'd have just picked up ready made meals from the local high end marketplace, warmed it and said "Come and get it if you want it!" I would have shopped way less on decorative "stuff" for the house and instead when my cd player went out in the SUV just promptly driven it to the dealership and said "I need this repaired, please. Put it on my husband's credit card, thank you." We can each realize what areas we went above and beyond, what areas we personally lacked in (for me it would have been needing to take action, not waiting for him) and where adjustments (and different reactions) needed to be made. *There is no "different or right reaction" to abuse; it's wrong, period. You didn't cause it to occur. No one can make someone else change their ways; we are each responsible for ourselves. 


7. Realize that whatever you think may be in black and white terms. (Yet this can change). As women we may think to ourselves: "All men are slime. All men are no good, lying, sorry cheaters."

(Men may think the same of women).  I told God this on more than one occasion during my divorce process. Imagine my surprise how we can then be placed amongst people whom God uses to prove us wrong. I really think He often sits up there listening to us down here spew gibberish in the heat of frustrated hurt and anger and goes: "Oh really? Hmm, okay, we'll see." God may place new male figures in our life that are highly empathetic, caring, safe and genuinely selfless… and yes, they are so very needed and much appreciated. We can thank God for these men and women placed in our lives… whenever we begin going down a path of black and white thinking there is always someone ready to prove us wrong.


8. Cherish this time with your children if you have them in your life and they haven't been alienated from you by your ex. Pray for their continued healing and well being. Have the tough conversations and encourage openness. This is a time to connect and develop an even deeper bond than before. Time will pass as we all know much too quickly and we don't want to look back realizing not only was our children's childhood affected by their parents splitting but forever further affected by an absent parent who wouldn't/didn't spend time with them. 

9. Remember the good in your relationship (if there was any) and realize that it's perfectly okay to enjoy looking back on the good memories… that they aren't a betrayer to how nasty the relationship was at times or perhaps ended. It's fine to admit that you really enjoyed that vacation to San Diego together, that he (or she) was good about making sure your vehicle's oil was changed, or that she was a good cook and maybe you miss that. 

10. It's so important in going through the aftermath of a breakup to feel all of the emotions involved and to realize that just like the process of moving on after a death it's not linear… there will be ups and downs. It won't be overnight, it won't be a clean and precise upward climb but the good news is you don't have to rush it, your time line is specific to you. And the best part is once you have made it to the top of that mountain you will smile with uninhibited JOY… no amount of people from your marital past can tear you down. You have been in the pit. God was with you the whole way out… like a butterfly you've escaped the dark confines of the cocoon and now fly on the wings of freedom and renewal. You are firmly planted in your story of triumph and your journey is not over... God has given you the grace, power and strength despite all the pain and doubts to proclaim without hesitation: "I give praise and glory to God!" 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS

Dear Divorced Man or Woman: There Is A Place For You

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & "Yes" To Love Again

Single Life: How You Feel Is Perfectly Okay

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!

7 Tips For Releasing Blame Post Divorce: Self Imposed & Toward Your Ex

In 2014 a thirty nine year old Texas man was punched out for bravely standing up to a group of men who were cat-calling women from their vehicle. Upon him telling the men something to the effect of "hey, watch what you're saying…" one leaped from the vehicle and punched him in the face sending him to the concrete where he lay unconscious, awaiting medical help. This isn't the first time that men behaving badly toward women has ended in violence nor sadly likely the last.

This past Saturday after a gloriously fun day of sunshine, floats, Irish music, snow cones, barbecue and southern potato salad, my daughter and I left the St. Patricks Day parade we had attended and pulled into a gas station en-route home. As I exited the gas station a man entering spoke to me "Hey, what's up baby doll! How you doin?" Disgust rose within me and I instinctively wanted to respond, to lash out, as I thought to myself… Hey, Neanderthal, how would you like my knee to meet up with your testicles? But, no, I bit my Irish tongue. I ignored the comment and continued on, him emitting a low guttural sound of indignant ego-centric injury; bewildered I wasn't enthralled with what he believed to be a splendid choice of words. As women we may be blamed for these scenarios. Some may ask "Well, what were you wearing?" or think "Well, you're too sensitive, it could be viewed as a compliment, maybe you need to lighten up."

But the truth is… none of those responses apply, as women shouldn't be made to feel as though they are the ones with the issue.

It's really no different in the aftermath of a breakup. Some may tend to shift blame to the wrong person.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend for lunch and after her sharing the updates of her life I shared the good news I had a new job, that I enjoyed my work, liked my boss and found my co-workers delightful to work with. I explained that post divorce I had at times been beating myself up for the fact I hadn't had a career during my marriage. I had worked part time here or there but for the most part as a whole I had primarily been a stay at home mom. After marrying and starting a family I had wanted to be at home with my children, especially when they were young at least… I had wanted to give them that stability and enjoy their childhood. But then post divorce I found myself occasionally thinking if only I had worked, if only I had done this, if only I had done that… I'd be further ahead, I'd be financially set, I wouldn't be focused so much on bills, savings and retirement.

But as I did that… I realized it was fine to acknowledge I could have done things differently and even to say I wouldn't make the same choices in the future, but not in taking on more blame where I shouldn't.

In a self-imposed blame game we may attempt to act as the aid, the salve, the repairman, or woman, to an ex's poor behavior. Maybe we find ourselves thinking: "Well, if I'd done x, y, z, I wouldn't be in such a mess… if I'd done THIS or THAT it would have offset his or her screw up aka infidelity." But we cannot make someone behave. We are then subscribing to the false idea we can control someone else's actions.

Like those guys who were cat-calling and the guy at the gas station sometimes people truly are to blame for poor behavior and less than swell circumstances. Yet they may or may not take responsibility for their poor choices. In hindsight we can all take responsibility for where we could have done better whether it be in our marriages, friendships, even our parenting. The problems begin when blame starts getting shifted to others, when people won't own up to their part in a situation. Or alternatively issues start when we begin blaming ourselves for something instead of having a balanced and healthy view of it or merely our hand in it amongst others contribution.

No matter what your marriage was like; no matter how amicable or even "War of the Roses-like" your divorce was… there are lessons to be taken from it. One of those lessons is learning to give yourself grace. Not an excuse for bad behavior but yes, please don't beat yourself up with all the coulda woulda shoulda's post relationship. It may be tempting to go there but at the end of the day give yourself sweet, sweet grace.

It's never wise nor healthy to take on the role of the victim in our failed relationships. It deems us powerless in our past where we had choices but either refused to make them or simply naively believed, hoped, that a grossly dysfunctional situation would get better. Both men and women are capable of being married to narcissistic, sociopathic people… those who marry them are without a doubt targets… but we don't have to sign the dotted line as a victim nor a target for infinity. We each have the ability to move on, to take responsibility for our portion and then rebuild our life to reflect that blessed insight.

Taking responsibility post divorce for what areas we could have done better in, even what we would do differently if in a new relationship, takes clarity, maturity and wisdom. In life we can learn from our past and forge forward with more information to make better choices in the next chapter(s) to come. In taking responsibility we need to be cautious in how much we are assuming… are we accepting the whole pie as ours when it burned up? Or are we accepting responsibility for a quarter of it? Or half? What was your role in it burning to a crisp? Do you even have one? Don't accept the entire pie as yours if portions of it truly belong on someone else's plate.

If you grew up as the black sheep, the scapegoat in a family where a narcissist was the head of the flock and always found fault with you… then you may have grown up in a pattern of being told you were the sole cause for x,y,z to happen… even if that wasn't reality. It's never too late to say "No" to that unhealthy pattern, even years later and reclaim your life… you don't have to accept blame and gross responsibility from others where it doesn't apply… instead you can subscribe to a new outlook, one of clear, concise objectivity… 

And like the pie just accept the slice(s) that belong to you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

7 Steps To Release Blame:

1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Talk about why you're angry; with either a trusted therapist, friend or pastor
3. Use your anger in a healthy way; start a new project, hobby, career, workout routine/class, volunteer, write/journal, find ways to channel that anger into something positive and life changing.
4. Acknowledge any fears you may have; are you afraid you will never find someone and live a life all alone? Are you clinging to blame out of the fear of failing financially? Maybe a general fear of the unknown future?
5. Can you make a list of what you did right in your relationship? What things could you have done differently?
6. Acknowledge any improvements in your new life; there have to be some no matter how small. Celebrate those and think of how to add more.
7. Focus on each of your daily choices because you are in the drivers seat; are you reaching for the Ben n Jerry's when a run might be more beneficial? Is isolation really better than meeting up with friends? Being aware of our daily actions can dictate if we spring back from a divorce or stay stuck in the pain of the past.

RELATED POSTS: 

For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

Dear Friend: A Letter of Love To You

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & "Yes" To Love Again

It was late… what time was it?  I pressed the button on my iPhone and the screen lit up… the time displayed that it was 11:25 p.m. Resting my tired head on the pale pink pillow, my mother perched at the end of my king size four poster bed. Naturally a night owl… it was nothing for me to stay up and begin drafting a blog at midnight… and work till 1 a.m. … tonight, the blog was drafted to be edited the next day and published… work had been particularly busy that day…  I always pushed myself more than usual on the weeks I didn't have my daughter… but tonight sleep was calling and my eyes were quickly becoming bleary.


Hair pinned up in a bun and my favorite lightweight wrap around my shoulders, I listened as my mother spoke to me in the dim bedroom… mirrors and framed photos of my children across the room sparkled on the wall. "It's amazing to me… the lengths some people will go to just to make their point… to let you know that they are mad… that they are angry with you and they want you to pay… because essentially that's what this is… this is someone who is so angry, so mad that they were dumped… that now they are expending all their energies into creating havoc… them getting dumped chapped them so bad they are willing to go to any and all lengths to let you know just how mad they are. And they will stop at nothing it seems… because they have nothing else to do with their time. They don't realize that in the grand scheme of things… the other person already won. They are rid of them… they are rid of the toxic, abusive person they are… and they have moved on… it's really hilarious when you think about it… because the abuser is so angry that such a good person got away from them… because how dare they do that… it's believing the person needs to be punished and whatever means they have to do that they will utilize… whether it's emotionally, using the children or financially, they will."

Listening to her words I stared up at the tiny white twinkle lights canopied with white gauzy sheers across the ceiling over my bed… creating a romantic haven… the tiny lights cast a pretty glint on everything. I looked over at her…

"It's true… it's been how long?" I mused aloud... "I will have filed for divorce two years ago this October. It's crazy. And you're right… at the end of the day… even though there are undeniably aggravating moments here and there… I certainly still have my days, for sure… but for the most part… I've checked out of the nonsense and getting all up in arms about it. Because it's not worth my time. I have to keep going back to that. No matter what I do in his eyes it's wrong…  it's all a game to some people… jump through this hoop, no, jump higher next time… it doesn't matter what he thinks because it's always met with pointed fingers of how it wasn't good enough… any good efforts made are twisted or minimized or dismissed. It's truly laughable, really." I chuckled… then paused… and quietly added with my head on my pillow clutching it… curled up like a snug bug... "I'm ready to move on… I'm looking to the future… enjoying a career… raising my daughter… I want to fall in love. I want to love someone with a kind heart… I want to share a beautiful life with someone special…  " I trailed off in deep thought…

At some point we are ready

 to move on from our past relationship... move on from our broken marriage… even if the other person, our ex, seems to be holding on for dear life through any and all manipulation and or punishment to keep discord alive and well through their negative actions toward us. But we don't have to subscribe to their unwillingness to let go and move along… there are things we can do to begin our new life in the best way possible.

We can remind ourselves that just because a relationship has ended our life hasn't. Quite the contrary… life is just beginning. There is life after a broken marriage… and just because the marriage failed doesn't mean you can't thrive. This is another chance at creating the life you want and in that the picture you have of what makes up a family may have to be redefined. That is perfectly okay. It might be a struggle managing finances, a new career and raising children alone… but with time all things are new. We can make way for new things in our life with the mentality that this too shall pass… nothing is forever… removing any catastrophic thinking does wonders… because statements like "It will never get better…" or "This is so horrible, I can't see it improving…" and "Life sucks!" is not helpful at all… it's that type of thinking that leads to a dead end… and keeps us in a negative spin cycle.



Love: A New Beginning: 3 Tips


1. Saying No To The Wrong Qualities: 
Jumping into a new relationship that is wrong for us too soon after divorcing can be catastrophic… leading us to reel backward and find ourselves hurting even more than before. One way we can avoid this is by first taking the time we need to heal from our past relationship. Once that has happened then we can slowly begin dating… but is the person were interested in have the qualities that we would value in a spouse? This is essential. If they don't have the qualities we believe to be important and that have God's blessing… then we are ultimately wasting our time and the other person's. Obviously physical attraction is important but we know a relationship can't live off that alone.


2. Refining Our Communication Skills:
There are some who claim "there are two sides to every story"… and in fact sometimes that's true...  sometimes relationships can be undeniably messy with a lot of gray area. Yet that statement can't be applied to every relationship. Other times there is more "blame" for the failure of a relationship on one person's shoulders… but with that… even the one who is possibly the more innocent of the two… it's crucial that they can communicate effectively in their next relationship. It's so easy for us to say in the aftermath of divorce about our ex... "He has been such a jerk… he makes me so mad!" when in reality the root of anger is always hurt. When we acknowledge our hurts instead and voice "It hurts me when he behaves that way" ... that is a much more effective way to communicate our thoughts and removing the attack on the person.


3. Willing To Trust: 
Being a member of online support groups since my divorce has helped tremendously with my healing… I have witnessed the absolute most endearing actions of so many men… men who were married to women that were of a narcissistic sociopathic nature… these men who were faithful and loving yet were cheated on, even abused in some way. It's been amazing seeing what dedicated fathers these men are to their children as they try to co-parent with less than amicable ex's. These men may struggle with trusting again… and as women we may as well. Yet in time after we've healed we can all take that chance… be willing to bare our souls, to be vulnerable… to dive in and allow a man to pursue us… and let our care for him shine as well. Not all men are like your ex… they cannot be lumped into one single pile… the next person you date, possibly become exclusive with and even go on to marry is an individual…

He is a person with a past and he quite possibly could be part of your future… 

We just have to be brave enough despite our past to say "yes" to him.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through

spring 2014

some names have been omitted in this post 

*********************

I sat watching my son's indoor soccer game from the top tier of the bleachers. Seeing that he was being switched with a different player I went back to the flashcards I was studying for one of my final exams. Focusing on the handwritten index cards I then heard a roar of applause and cheers from the crowd of parents surrounding me. In the distance on the opposite side there were groans and angry parents tapping on the glass barrier yelling instructions to their children on the field. Why did parents think that did any good? I thought to myself… if anything it takes away from the coach's instructions and distracts the children trying to play. It's just a game, folks… I thought to myself and tried to refocus on my cards. But glancing up... I saw him.

Strolling along the glass toward my direction already looking at me.

Too late.

Our eyes met.

I tried to avert my eyes but he (the ex) continued to walk toward me.

Why doesn't he stay away? I thought, irritated. Yet here he predictably comes over to me like a rabid dog that won't go away.

He saunters over…

"Hey…" he says a little too chirpy.

"Hey" I reply neutrally but less than enthused.

My allergies start going crazy for whatever reason and my eyes begin watering. The place stinks of mustiness and sweat. But I take a guess that I'm allergic to him instead.

He looks closely at me "You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah" I tell him, quickly blinking and wishing my eyes would clear and nose would stop like it was about to runaway.

"Really? Are you sure?" he presses and looks closely at me with scrutiny "Because you don't look it."
He adds with a tone flecked with obvious fake concern.

Uh huh… I think to myself... you're just the poster boy of empathy and concern… too bad no one but your mother believes it.

"I'm fine" I tell him, wondering what venom he's come over to spew at me now. Because he wants face to face time he must be low on supply, I surmise… he must need some attention like a withering plant that needs to be watered. He needs to be fed. He must have just been dumped or scorned by someone today.

He begins blathering on about something related to the kids… who knows… it's a circular spiel of sociopathy-something that never makes it to it's final destination… the train never arrives to the station… the point is never made. I glance at my watch not because it's battery works (because those of us with ADHD know time means nothing to us and we don't wear watches to read the time but for jewelry) but to make a point to him that my time is extra valuable when he's infringing on it so get to the point and wrap it up already.

He finally begins summing up whatever it is and gestures to the flashcards.

"So… what are you doing?" He asks with curiosity.

"Studying" I tell him "I have tests to take."

"Ohhh… I just assumed you gave up on that" he replied with a tone of pity.

Irritation rose inside and I wanted to react to him but instead I just shook my head and said cooly "No… no, not at all" I replied… carefully controlling my response as neutral in tone.

He stares at the flashcards in my hands and steps back a step for grand effect and exclaims "Wow… that's great." He says as he crosses his arms, nodding "I had no idea. So you're really doing this…" his face breaks into a smile that is forced and looks painful "That's great! Wow… I have to say… I'm proud of you."

This coming from the man who once said:

"I make your life possible!"

This coming from the man who once said:

"If it wasn't for marrying me you'd have gone from 

one bad relationship to another and probably stripped for a living."

This coming from the man who once said: 

"You're mine. I own you."

This coming from the man who once said:

"A man is never nice to a woman just to be nice… 

it's always because they want something."

You're a liar. I thought, recoiling inside. You wanted me on the street with nothing. You behave like a pitiful excuse for a human being, an empty shell of a person who has zero empathy or endearment towards anyone. A man who feels nothing but emptiness inside and will sadly swing from one relationship to another the rest of his life to fill that empty need that is burning to be squelched within. Who will say he's "in love" with each woman he dates not because he is in love with her but because he loves how she makes him feel about himself. She will be his temporary ego enhancer, his fleeting lucky charm, his of-the-moment embellishment of radiance.

I don't need your compliments.

I don't need your affirmations.

I don't need your accolades and praises.


I don't need any of it.


I know I will make it.

Because I have faith.

I have determination.

And because every time I feel like throwing in the towel and quitting

I jump back in the race to press forward…

to victory.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

note:

if a sociopath is suddenly nice to you after you've already 

been discarded by him/her their about to pull something.

Don't fall for his/her sudden niceness, because it's a facade

The Sociopath has three stages they put their target through. 

1. Idealize

 2. Devalue 

3. Discard 

Stage 1: 

When the sociopath first meets you the facade he puts on is a pure sham that only benefits him. The idealization stage is the first stage and it's the one where he objectifies you not as a person but as a shiny charm that makes him look good to the outside world. The intense interest he has in you is not deep nor rooted in love but of shallowness and he sees you as disposable. The time a sociopath spends on you in this stage depends on how long he can manipulate you, how long he can use you… it could be two years, it could be five… but many marriages that involve a sociopath are ten plus years. During the initial idealization stage he has charmed his way into your heart and life. He has been sweet talking, listening, doting and caring. He has been your solid rock and your fixer to any problems or woes. He has professed his "undying love" to you and you have zero reason to believe he'd ever leave you. 

Stage 2:

Slowly over time, unbeknownst to you… he begins the devaluing stage. This is the stage where he begins giving you just enough attention, affirmation, encouragement, etc to keep you hooked like a pill user but eventually you will come to find it's jagged… because it's alternated with bouts of emotional abuse… abuse like put down's and open criticism… checking out other women and saying things like "I can look at the menu, I just can't order off it", telling you that you "look terrible", screaming at you with exasperation and storming off, losing his patience… or maybe he seems on edge or drives passive aggressively to intimidate you behind the wheel… maybe he divides your unity as parents towards the children and doesn't stand beside you on important issues regarding the kids schooling, behavior and moral upbringing… perhaps he's speaking crassly to you and groping you inappropriately… maybe he's suddenly drinking and driving, getting speeding tickets or suddenly gambling, drinking, etc. You stand confused wondering what's going on… but you're so hungry… maybe you begin to feel like a hungry desperate rat… waiting for that blasted tiny crumb… to get it from him already… waiting for that fix…. that tiny morsel of sweet attention… that you hang on and wait anxiously for it to appear again… because you continue to your own detriment to think back on how he was when you initially met and can't for the life of you figure out why oh why isn't he like that still? 

He continues dishing out alternative meals of sweetness and toxic poison and you waffle back and forth in confusion… like a squirrel running in circles, you're not able to put your finger on what is going on… this isn't who you picked out… yet you can still see glimpses of the man you first met, dated and married… so you keep doubting yourself… you keep chalking your doubts up to maybe "you're just too sensitive"… or maybe "you really do just need to relax"… as he may keep telling you. Maybe you need to focus more on making him happy… so you now throw yourself into the relationship that is dying like a wounded animal along the side of the highway. You find yourself taking more and more abuse and yet in some way you're desperate… anxiously hoping he's going to change back, that all this will turn around and you may even naively believe you have the ability to magically change it all on your own. I know….  because I was there. I know firsthand that feeling… that "if I just do this"… or "if I can just do that…" but no… it's not gonna happen. This is a sinking ship.

Stage 3: 

The third and final stage is the discarding stage. By now you are so deep in, you've invested so many years… you've "been through so much" leading up to this point in time you likely just can't imagine throwing in the towel. But now… it's openly bad. It's openly ugly. It's openly a war zone. You can feel the hate toward you coming off him like peeling paint. He reveals his true feelings toward you completely and you frighteningly realize his "love" for you was never ever real. It was a facade of fake and carefully construed emotions to reel you in like a fish and then once he used up all of the goody in you he tossed you aside like nothing. By now you may feel exhausted, spent… you may feel like a hundred years old and not recognize yourself in the mirror any longer. Maybe your health has suffered, you're now living with a chronic condition or you've yo-yo'ed on your weight for years because of all the continual stress and living on eggshells. Maybe you've developed anxiety, ptsd or have panic attacks. Perhaps you feel stupid for falling for his tricks and deceit… maybe you chastise yourself for having self esteem that low… and yet you vaguely remember a girl once upon a time that was vibrant, confident and secure in who she was… not the person you know now… that feels unsure, that questions, that self doubts and is reliant on him.


He blames you for the relationship ending. He takes zero responsibility for what he's done. Maybe he's cheated, maybe he's lied on his taxes, maybe he's a sex offender, maybe he's a gambler, an alcoholic and abusive physically. Maybe he doesn't pay the bills, he doesn't work or maybe he "re-structures" his job  so he can take a cut in pay. No matter what he's done… what he's lied about, orchestrated behind your back or done to you and your children… he blames you for it.


If you're able to discard him before he executes his plan to discard you… beware. It will be a triumphant walk away from him yet it comes with a price… as he will be doubly furious he was snookered… of all people by you. And he will begin his vendetta against you for it… using any means he can… typically involving lying about your character to others, spending down your money through court costs or using your children against you in retaliation.


If he discards you… let him.

You've lost nothing.

You can't lose something you never had to begin with.

His love was non-existent.

It was all a lie. He will put the next woman (and the next woman) through the same three stages in his next relationship.

Consider yourself blessed to be away from him.

Consider yourself blessed to have a fresh start.

Consider yourself blessed to be in the next most important stage of your life…


YOURS. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating

The single mom. 

She needs encouragement, love and sweet patience. 

She needs slow paced, understanding and secure. 

She needs ears that listen, a tender approach and affirmation. 

She needs masculinity that is strong enough to catch her yet gentle enough to wipe her tears. 

She needs a good laugh, a little space yet still knowing he's there for her any time day or night.

She needs good intent, Godly character and honor. 

She needs passion in his eyes toward her for the long haul not merely overnight. 

She needs all this and more... 

Single mom and dating...

Sticking her toes in however cautiously and the truth is: 

She's terrified. 

It's not like when she was twenty something, wild and free... without kids and an entire book before her with blank pages still to be filled in with stories and pictures.

Now she has an entire history... saying "I do", buying her first home, getting pregnant, having babies... moving... decorating a house and making it a home, family recipes made year after year, traditions, pet names, growing children and finally heartbreak that brought the marriage to its final resting place of death and burial...  abuse, cheating, irreconcilable differences or what have you... that left her standing there with her long time "other half" however admittedly miserably toxic, missing like a gangrenous cut off arm. 

Yes, she is healing, yes, she will be okay, yes, she is strong, and yes, she will love again… yet it's no wonder she's a little hesitant to move forward dating again. 

Because the truth is... yes, it is her life and yet it's not just about her anymore... she has children to think of and can't risk bringing someone possibly as bad, worse than, or not much better than her ex into her children's lives... so she must proceed with caution. 

It takes a man with patience and understanding to pursue and date a now single mom. For she is a bundle of mixed emotions... fear, excitement, liberation and apprehension… 

Single moms may go through the mental battlefield of:

"No man will want me now... however many years later... an ex who I swear is mad-as-a-hatter nuts, however many kids later that have their own histories and a schedule that means one week I can see   him but the next I can't because I'm in full 'mommy mode'... what guy is going to sign up for this???" 

Trust me... you aren't alone. 

Then throw on that stacked pile of accumulated life some fear, apprehension and wondering how a man would meld into it all, this new life, without throwing his hands up in exasperation and driving away... 

And yet… this won't last forever. 

Fellow single mom, I don't know who you will date... who you will meet... I don't know his name... it might be someone you know or a man you've not yet met.... I don't know who that man may be... yes, he will see you as a glittering jewel in the sand of life no matter your past or present... no matter the insecurities you occasionally let get the best of you in those midnight hours you do too much thinking because you can't sleep and the crickets chirping outside your window deafen the sweet quiet of slumber... 

But this I do know... 

You may need all those qualities in a man first listed at the beginning of this post... 

Yet.... 

Where you have those fears that threaten he also needs your faith in God.

Where you may have apprehension he also needs to know you're open to a second story.

Where you may have trepidation he also needs to know you will let him comfort you.

Where you may have developed distrust in the male species he wants to prove otherwise. 

Where you have been told: "There are no good faithful men who truly love their wives..." he wants to be the one who shows you otherwise despite his own admitted imperfections. 

When you question, agonize and doubt a Godly man exists… undoubtedly far from perfect yet striving to live in obedience to Him... in this he wants to know you will go to God and pray for him as he's praying for you every day.

Where once someone held you thinking of themselves, their own needs... there will be a man who considers himself blessed to know you, to hold you and loves you selflessly as you do him. 

Where once you had a "love" that represented anything but... you will be cherished by a man who values your sweetness, your kind heart and love for God… what a beautiful second chapter of life. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

He replied, 

"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" 

Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

- Matthew 8:26 (NIV) 

For Men Dating The Single Mom: 

1. Go slow... her heart has been hurt, and if you're a single dad more than likely yours has too. 

2. Date her but don't smother her... be sensitive to the fact she has children and is still a mom. 

3. Plan couple time when she doesn't have the kids... she will appreciate your thoughtfulness. 

4. Don't be a daddy figure to her children. That's not your job and it creates more issues between her and her children and even her ex. Respect boundaries and be more of an encourager toward her kids not a disciplinary figure. 

5. Realize that once you are together… the trust she has given you, the new life you have formed with her, will be all the more special to her after what she's been through… she will feel liberated… and how beautiful for her to be able to come together with you, fully herself, uninhibited… her second love story in a lifetime… and last.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

When No One Believes He Is A Narcissistic/Sociopathic Person

Narcissist. 

She's your best friend. 

He's your dad. 

He's your now ex-husband. 

When we realize that one of the significant people in our life exhibits narcissistic/sociopathic behavior, and we are/were their prey, that realization can lead to a varying range of emotions. Some of the things you may find yourself dealing with are confusion, stress, (perhaps long term) anger (at the person and possibly yourself for being duped for however long) sadness, and questioning how this happened to you to begin with. 

If you were raised by someone who is a narcissist... if you were healthy and realized the destruction the parent was constructing... you are then at a higher risk later to marry a narcissist and or have a friend who is one. The reason for this being is we automatically go to "what we know" and if your mom or dad is a narcissist you may very well be dealing with one later in life. If you are the type who will question, doubt and ask yourself internally:

"Am I a narcissist? Am I like that? Because I don't want to be! I fear being that! I abhor that!" 

Then rest easy. Because more than likely you aren't a narcissist. A narcissist doesn't have self reflection to ask those critical questions of themselves, of their behavior, because they are all about self preservation... they are all about painting a facade of perfection and they are their own biggest fans. 

I truly believe the worst aspect of dealing with a narcissist (and there are plenty, take your pick) is after enduring their craziness for however long... in some cases years on end.... is no one believes you when you try to explain that your dad or husband or ex or ex-friend is a narcissist. People are looking at the person at face value... they see a bright, friendly, likely outgoing person whom you are saying is a narcissist. They don't see it nor believe it for a second. In fact, as you rattle on about some of the ways they've behaved over the years you see doubt staring back at you in the form of growing silence, stiffening body language and replies like "Well, I just can't imagine that... I mean, he/she has always been so nice to me!" 

As you stand there you may begin to doubt yourself (which is one of the cunning purposeful tactics of a narcissist) and second guess, wondering once again if you have your facts straight. But here's the truth: 

You do have your facts straight. 

You may begin to feel anger and defensiveness rising up in you because suddenly everything you've been through... the abuse at the hands of a narcissistic parent as a child, the abuse of a narcissistic ex spouse, or whether it's the abuse of a narcissistic friend... has supposedly according to this person standing before you not ever really happened... yet it did really happen. Deep down you know this to be true but it's when seeing others speak of the narcissistic person with praise, adulation and even reverence you pause if even for a split second, having a fleeting moment of doubt within. 

But this is a common reality for people who have dealt with narcissist's firsthand. I promise you it's real. You didn't dream it up. You didn't invent it. It really happened and it was/is reality. 

A few months ago I was out shopping when I ran into a woman who has known my dad for many years through business.  After chatting a moment she invariably asked "How's your dad?" I replied I didn't know but from what I heard through the grapevine he's fine. She came back with "I just love your dad!" 

Awkward silence ensued. 

Images of him having fits of rage while growing up, breaking things, glass flying, mugs flying, his fist going into walls while I listened to his raging cuss-a-thon from my bedroom, twisting and turning everything I said, denying any wrong doing, the worshipping of a pristine image of himself in the eyes of the community, making money under the table, always playing the martyr, the victim... generously doling out heaps of guilt to use as a form of control, the ugliness he displayed behind closed doors, the plain ugly things he'd say... it all flashed before me, washing over me, sweeping my shoulders and making me so so so incredibly tired this scenario was now playing out yet again... that here stood yet another person he knew through business that was charmed and blind to the real him behind closed doors. That once again I was being told what a simply wonderful human being he was and the adorement for him was radiating in their eyes at me. 

"Everyone says that." I tell her stiffly and although my words could be viewed as affirmation, instead through detected tone and body language the truth is I'm saying anything but that without saying much at all. She catches the difference and carefully scrutinizes me for a moment then abruptly says she must get going. I nod and with goodbyes we part... once again I'm reminded of how powerful the narcissist is.... they've constructed such a careful facade for so many years in their social or business circles of being respectable, honest, friendly, etc that no one will believe for a second it's them and not you. 

It's a battle not worth fighting. 

Because it will drain you dry and leave you feeling even more powerless than what you've already experienced at the hands of the narcissist. Don't beat yourself up... drop the invisible bat and realize that you may have been duped by a narcissist or endured significant sociopathic abuse at their hands but it doesn't define you. 

You aren't "stupid" or "dumb" etc for falling for their lies, their confusion, gas lighting, crazy making, delusions and sociopathic behavior... you were an innocent, good person they knowingly took advantage of and treated miserably. You can stand in victory knowing you survived it and came out on the other side... 

even if you stand

 alone. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

              To My Readers: 

               Thank you for reading, 

               commenting & sharing!

An Open Letter To Husbands: Love, Your Wife

“Period Letters” by Simon Howden via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

We all do it don't we? 

We look back and see things in life we coulda shoulda done differently. 

And some might say that's a waste of time. And in length, yes, yes it is. 

Lingering too long on the possible regrets of the past is not productive and a fruitless endeavor as it keeps us stagnant and our feet immobile. But clear snap shots of clarity, of those moments where you have the lightbulb moment and take mental notes to purposely do differently from here out without the invisible bat in hand beating yourself up but instead giving yourself grace to move on with compassion and PURPOSEful action.... 

     That's progress

Men today may wonder what they can do to be the best possible husband and yet misguidedly believe that their earning power is the be all end all of being a good husband. Yet.... that's such a misconception today. 

Men certainly don't want to get married and then years down the road find themselves in a quagmire of regret... realizing that their marriage is suffering and yet wondering what exactly brought it to this disappointing place in time. But what really leads a marriage to a place of despair or darkness is priorities being placed in the wrong order. Perhaps if things aren't going as well as one had dreamed it might be a good time to evaluate and see what is being placed first and foremost as most important. In so many marriages today men are understandably incredibly stressed out trying to provide, working long hours and not really enjoying free time with their wives and their families. One question we can ask ourselves is: 

Are we living beyond our means? 

If a household is doing just that then the husband is working far more than he should just to still be behind. Evaluating our lifestyles and what we are placing in the important column is crucial to making changes. 

Priority # 1: 

When a husband places God and

 family first everything else falls into place. 

Dear Men Of The World,   

As women we don't care if your paycheck is six figures, we don't care if your car is the newest model and fully loaded. We don't care if your truck or home is equipped with the latest sound system. We don't care how thick your wallet is. We don't care how great you are at mastering the grill and how much you paid for those steaks you picked up at the market. We don't care if you burnt the dinner you were trying to prepare for us and grabbed take out instead from a steakhouse. We don't care if you've had your picture taken with celebrities or won the lotto. We don't care that you drive a BMW or belong to the Admirals Club. We don't care if you make every green light down the thoroughfare because of your speedster. We don't care if you win all the pool games, dunk every basketball and never lose a game of Dice Buddies. We don't care if you have rubbed shoulders with higher ups, with royalty or movie stars. We don't care you that you're an entrepreneur and invented some gizmo or gadget. We don't care what your degree is in and where you went to college. We don't care about your "most awesome trip ever" 4-wheeling or your stunts during an all guys ski trip. We don't care that your testosterone outshined some other guys on the freeway, on the soccer field or in a bar. 

We don't care. 

What DO we care about? 

Honesty... one lie will make us question everything you say from that point on.

Character... treating others how you would want to be treated including us. 

Compassion... showing you care we had a bad day, had a flat tire, got a horrendous haircut. 

Listening without fixing... sometimes we may need a solution but most of the time (90%) we are venting. Hang tight, listen, nod, hug us and hold us. 

Purposeful Loving Action(s)... your words may be as beautiful as a sonnet but if they don't carry any weight with action to back them up they are as cheap as a Louis Vuitton knock-off. 

Hugs... they show affection and comfort. 

Cuddling... pretty self explanatory. 

An "I get it." .... this means you hear us, you are listening. 

Occasionally an "You make me smile." ... that it's not always about what were wearing, how we look, etc. But that you also appreciate our inner beauty. 

Doing without keeping score... the one who keeps score always loses in the long run. Guaranteed. 

Kisses... yes!

Eye contact... Shows you are in the "here and now." 

Quality time spent together... doesn't have to be pricey just thoughtful. 

Romance... bits here and there in the daily hustle & bustle of life are lovely.

Leadership without control... leading in love not dictatorship. 

Asking our opinion.... we love it when you ask us "What do you think?" It's a turn on and makes us feel acknowledged. 

Equality... woman came from the man's rib, not his feet. 

God.... placing Him first and reading the bible together, praying together, attending church etc., sets a stable foundation for your marriage.

No one wants to live in regret and wonder what they coulda shoulda done differently. There is not a perfect marriage but when we set our priorities straight in life we will undoubtedly live our life as a beautiful example to others with the one we chose to love each and every day. 

And that's certainly something God cares about.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

                   To My Readers: 

              Thank you for reading, 

            commenting and sharing!