In Bed With A Narc: The Sound Of Silence

“The Bedroom” by jk1991 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

spring 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

We sat in my SUV with our seats reclined… the sunroof opened to the night sky… stars twinkled overhead and the evening breeze swept through our shared space. The silence between us albeit the radio playing softly was comfortable and not one that had to be filled with unnecessary chit chat for filler but instead were like long thoughtful pauses that loosely strung one beautiful expression to another. Our stomachs were full from a quick impromtu dinner at IHOP…we shared a love for breakfast and deep conversations… we held no filters and could talk for hours about any subject… it was both liberating and comforting.

"You remember how you told me sex was one sided with him?" He asked me referring to my ex… "How it was about what he wanted? Not about pleasing you?"

I nodded "Yeah…"

He glanced over at me with care. "It got me to thinking. You know you deserve better, right? You know whoever you're with should want to do that for you… to please you?" He asked me.

"Yeah…" I replied. "I know that now… and to be fair initially in the beginning of our marriage he initiated oral sex… but it wasn't comfortable. Call it inexperience or being asthmatic but it was more like a wind tunnel experience than pleasurable."I grimaced. "I just said forget it. I didn't have the patience at least back then for him to figure it out… but looking back now…" I reflected… "Now I realize the other part of it… I didn't want him to. I kept myself closed off to some extent… when someone is always "checking out the menu" when you're out in public, when someone doesn't pay the taxes for three years and you have the IRS tailing you, when you have someone who they've chosen as their best friend that actually had the audacity to say "The worse you treat women the more they want you"… Um, yeah… you just don't really want to be vulnerable with that person." I shook my head. "Why would you feel safe letting them see you at one of your most private and vulnerable moments? How can you feel safe and loved to allow them to bring you to orgasm? You don't. So you close yourself off." I fiddled with my ring of an eagles head on my right hand, twirling it… "So you go without…" I shrugged, my words trailing into silence but within me feeling the grief of more than a decade of being cheated out of the physical connection I'd missed out on. It was bewildering that so much time had passed and so much of what could have been was lost. Lyrics to a song playing ever so softly filtered through the interior, the trees nearby rustling in the breeze, ruffling my hair….

"Fools," said I, "you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you."

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence…"

"The Sound Of Silence" - Disturbed
(originally by Simon & Garfunkel)


Silence… the kind that divides, the kind where there is a lack of understanding and communication… the kind that makes people feel alone. Like a cancer, that kind of silence slowly worsens and grows into an incurable disease between husband and wife. Before long… you realize that you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of love and emotionally inept. Someone who is incapable of making you feel treasured. Who is incapable of satisfying you physically. You realize you've wasted years… years on end with someone who was in it for themselves… and you feel jipped. You long for what you never got with someone who will love you with their whole heart, body and soul…  and for now it only exists in your dreams.

"Yeah…" He nodded. "I can see that. You shouldn't settle. The guy should want to make you happy, to please you and figure out what he needs to do to do that. He shouldn't be just focused on himself. He should be a giver… because if he's pleasing you… he will be pleased." He shrugged… "That's just the way it works." He said simply.

"You are such the sexpert…" I giggled, playfully swatting his arm. "You should write a book."

He grinned. "I'm working on one. Hey… I'm no saint. I've been around the block a few times. But I can tell you I want the next woman, my wife, to be my last. And pleasing her is not just my job but my pleasure." He glanced at the time on the clock… "What time do you need to get back?"

I glanced at the time. "I better get going. I promised my mom I'd be home soon. Were gonna watch a Hallmark movie." I smiled.

He nodded, smiled and opened his door, slipping out. Holding the passenger door open a crack he spoke. "Enjoy your movie… IHOP again?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in the dark at me.

I nodded. "Most definitely. I'll text you." I told him.

"Okay… bye, beautiful" He smiled and shut the door. I turned the key in the ignition and watched him walk away in the moonlight to his vehicle before I drove away.

*****************

Sex with a narcissistic sociopath is one-sided no doubt. It's not about a mutually satisfying emotional, physical and even spiritual connection with someone they love. A man or woman with a personality disorder views sex as all about them.

When someone is healthy they not only value their partner but they value wanting to please them, value wanting to find out what makes them tick, what satisfies, what is romantic, what is a turn on for them. Both partners should have respect for one another… intimacy cannot grow and thrive without it. Complete trust and and open honest communication is a must as well… being able to articulate exactly what you need is essential for couples to have the intimacy they have imagined having one day with the one they love. Holding back desires and needs, faking climax and the like are not conducive to having a close, intimate relationship that bonds two together.

Sadly, very often with a narcissistic sociopath the sound of silence in the bedroom is loud and clear, impossible to ignore. 

The reason for this is due to the inability to effectively get what one needs from a personality disordered individual. You can say "I need x,y,z…" all night long but he or she isn't going to be willing to deliver. He or she will complain that "it takes too long, "takes too much effort", whatever myriad of excuses they can come up with. There isn't love emanating from the narc for the one their with. Instead it's a seeking of domination…. a sexual conquest powered by their ego needing a boost or even yikes (!) a quick way to release all their days, weeks, lifetime worth of frustrations and stress by using you. It's not about making love as God designed between a married man and woman. It's about control and only them. If you find yourself in a marriage where your partner (man or woman) is only about satisfying themselves and you're continually going without… at minimum new ways of communicating need to begin taking place. However, if you a woman experiencing signs of being with a narcissistic man  or you're a man who suspects he may be married to a narcissistic woman… it's time to seek help… through a therapist you can begin developing an exit plan.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

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commenting and sharing! 

The Narcissistic Sociopath: Hidden Agenda's

“Woman Looking Through Binoculars” by stock images

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

*************

THIS POST CONTAINS LANGUAGE

names have been omitted in this post 

Spring 2012 

"I work my ASS off! Do you even KNOW how hard I work? I'm doing all this for YOU!" He yelled at me standing beside his side of the bed, his face contorted in anger.

I stared at him incredulously from where I sat on the bed draped with a embroidered duvet wearing jeans and a faded t-shirt. "FOR ME?! For ME????!!!" I exclaimed.  "No…" I shook my head. "You are so full of shit!" I retorted. "Yeah, you work your ass off, you work hard for YOU! I never told you to work that hard! I never told you to wear yourself out. I never told you to travel for work. In fact… " I paused with reflection and spoke… "Quite the opposite. I didn't want to buy this larger house. I was happy in our smaller one. YOU are the one who insisted you had to have this house. I told you over and over I didn't want it. I should have refused to sign the papers at closing but as usual I let you have your way. That was MY mistake. YOU were the one who insisted we live on the lake. YOU were the one who had to have a Jaguar when I told you I hated that car and it was ridiculous. We have a son with special needs who needs more help and all you care about is all this crap that doesn't matter. No… if you're tired, if you're worn out… if you don't feel appreciated… go look in the mirror. You chose this. Every day. I don't want to hear it."

"You don't appreciate what I do! You don't have ANY idea how hard it is to make that money! I make YOUR LIFE POSSIBLE!" He screamed at me like an unhinged lunatic.

I stared at him with shocked disgust and spoke "You make MY life possible??!" I echoed. "Ha! I didn't marry you for money. Maybe you need a refresher… "I pointed out… "When I married you, you were BROKE. In fact, you were thousands of dollars in the hole in debt. So now that you're Mr. Big Shot and raking in the money… don't now try to come back and act like I'm after it. I didn't have an agenda. It's more like I made it possible for you to get where YOU are. I've stayed home with the children when we could have shelled out a fortune in babysitting, daycare etc. I've supported YOUR career and been there for you every step of the way… thinking we were a TEAM in this. That's what you led me to believe you thought for years. So hey… bring your big head down a few notches… because with your growing wallet your ego has swelled in size and it's not a good look. You know what? All I'm hearing is spinning and a pity party of boo hoo and poor me, so suck it up and face the fact you chose this for YOU."

**************

“Agenda Word" by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

The Hidden Agenda…

No matter what sex; female or male, every narcissist or sociopath has an agenda when in search of a relationship. The narcissist or sociopath is seeking something they deem valuable from you that they want… something that will enhance his or her image to their acquaintances, family, boss, co-workers, etc. Whether it's your physical attractiveness, family wealth, hard earned money, connections, education, etc… there is always something the narcissist or sociopath has his or her eye on that they know will make them look better to the outside world.

So how can we try to guard against dating someone or even worse… marrying someone who has a hidden agenda aimed at us? We can familiarize ourselves with several things to keep in mind so we aren't subject to agendas… here are some to consider…


5 Points To Be Cognizant Of:

1. Are they always bringing up a specific topic again and again? Is your grandmother's trust or dad's highly sought after property always being brought up by him or her? Take notice of these things… they mean something and it's not good.

2. They will bide their time as needed for a longterm payoff… they don't mind waiting awhile, they are cunning and sly… they are the ones who will marry for a green card, who hope to cash in after you've come into a lot of money, who set their sights on swooping in to own your family's business one day, who insist you get a life insurance policy, etc.

3. They are manipulative by nature… they know what they are doing… they know that the heinous actions they are choosing are purposeful and premeditated… because they lack empathy… they don't care about other's feelings and how their poor behavior affects them.

4. They pretend to love you and lack depth… narcissistic people, sociopaths, they aren't capable of truly loving anyone (but perhaps themselves). They show a limited range of emotions… they can feel/show happiness, (when they get what they want) or anger but their emotions are short lived and shallow. They can fly into a rage over the simplest things… things that don't matter yet walk back in the same room five minutes later completely calm as if nothing happened. No, they don't have amnesia, they do remember how they behaved… they merely choose when to turn on and off their temper fits, their abuse, etc as it serves them and they see fit.

5. They will do nice things for you to gain your trust because they are looking for their efforts to have a pay-off down the road. Dating or married, they may buy you dinner but expect sex. They may always reach for the pricey check at extended family dinners out but expect favors in return… smiling to themselves that you "owe them." They may always insist everyone meet for work or family gatherings at their home but have an ulterior motive. They will initiate sex with you but only to satisfy themselves not you. Regardless of what they do for you… it always comes with a price.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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IS SHE A SOCIOPATH? 20 SIGNS

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6 Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

My son's kindergarten teacher said something one day that really stuck with me. It was field day at his school and the class was hot and sweaty after an afternoon of relay runs, sack races and tug o' war. She was passing out icy popsicles in a rainbow of colors when one child exclaimed

"Hey! I didn't want this flavor!"

I watched as her eyes narrowed and she turned to speak to him:

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." 

I loved that. 

How often do children need to hear that sentence spoken to them? 

Honestly, my own two children seem to need to hear it quite a bit. On some days it feels like it should be on a recorded loop in their head when their vocal chorus threatens to take over: 

"I didn't get the one I wanted." 

"I don't like it." 

"It's not quite right." 

"I want that!" 

"But I want it!!!" 

"Please?!?!" 

We need morals and good examples set for our children more than ever. Today children are being raised to be narcissists. And it takes a lot of dedication, consistency and persistence to raise them unlike the world, unlike the flesh, unlike the sin surrounding us, threatening to engulf us all like a tsunami. 

All children are susceptible to becoming mini narcissists or "narc's" for short. As parents we are in a constant battle against media, against the pressures of other parents condoning their children getting too much too soon and so many reality shows showing excess in homes, cars and disposable income for entertainment that it often seems as if everyone wants to jump on the band wagon with them. 

When Divorce Ups The Chances Of A Narc Child: 

It's not just the coveted iPhone that a parent buys his six year old, or the new teddy bear from Build A Bear he buys her every month or the showering of excessive clothes that creates an issue and possibly a narcissistic child. It's allowing a child to have too many experiences too soon. They can begin to feel entitled to have more and more experiences before they are truly ready for them. 

A parent may unwittingly give into their child's every whim due to their guilt over the divorce… yet this isn't in the best interests of the child long term. It's actually quite detrimental and continually sets the  bar higher and higher each time. Selfish behavior exhibited by children can be learned by a parent who is selfish himself. This is why each generation keeps producing more narcissists… because the children (genetics may have created a baseline for it, and we know all children are ego-centric to some extent but eventually change) … learn from a narcissistic parent to subscribe to "Me! Me! Me!" and emulate them. 

Examples Of Narcissistic Thinking: 

"You owe me!" 

"Serve me!" 

"It's not fair!"  

"Gimme!" 

"Pay attention to me!" 

"If you don't, I'll blow up!" 

"Give it to me!" 

"You better…" 

"Buy it for me!" 

"Now!!!" 

I remember one day right after my divorce was finalized…  my children and I had had a wonderful afternoon at the park… kicking the soccer ball around, walking the trails and them on the swings as they laughed with glee… afterward we piled into the SUV and headed for ice cream. Pulling into a McDonald's parking lot was met with disappointed grunts from the backseat. I glanced in the rearview mirror and spoke "Is there a problem?" 

There came a flood of vocal protests of why couldn't we go to Marble Slab or Cold Stone Creamery? Why couldn't we get waffle cones with sprinkles and a wide array of flavors to choose from? Inward I sighed and bristled but held steadfast to calm and pulled the car into a parking space to turn around and address them. 

"Look, guys… here's the thing. When I was little there wasn't Marble Slab in hot pink neon lights… there wasn't Cold Stone Creamery and tons of flavors. When I was little we had McDonald's… and you know what? That's good enough. Not everything in life comes with banners, confetti  and trumpets. Sometimes the little things are the best things. You know… simple is okay… not something to be sneered at or thought of as less than. Maybe there needs to be a bit more gratitude and less griping." 

We don't have to give in to every whim

 our child cries out for. 

We can stand firm and say "No." 

That's good parenting. 

What they failed to understand is that their level of living with me differed currently from when I was married. And honestly... that was a good thing in my book in regards to them. Sure, their higher level of living remained relatively the same at their father's… but that didn't make it right. That didn't make it healthy. What they failed to understand is that they were spoiled and didn't know it.  No one "owes" them Marble Slab. 

No one "owes" them anything. 

All children require is shelter, a bed, food and healthcare. Children need to be reminded occasionally that their parents home, their cars, their level of living is not theirs. Their parents money, and lifestyle is not theirs nor their success… they are merely temporary recipients of it on some level… while living with them. Children today often erroneously believe they will graduate from college living the same level of income and enjoying the same economic security as their parents… only to be devastatingly brought down a few notches by the reality of student loans, mounting debt and job interview after job interview. 


Divorce & Children: 

Often children feel as though they are entitled, or owed something due to life being glaringly unfair. He or she can't seem to wheedle the item they so desperately covet from one parent so they begin an unmerciful agenda on the other one (sometimes at the other parents egging). This sets up the parents in a battle of their own… because if one parent gives in to blatantly aggravate the other estranged parent and overindulge the child, they are potentially creating a little monster. Likewise, if the doting parent is merely choosing to subscribe to more for their child due to their own insecurities and wanting the child to like them (let me be your friend over parent) rather than setting healthy boundaries it creates all sorts of unnecessary chaos and strife. 



When The Child Emulates Their Abusive Parent: 

The child who feels a lack of structure and healthy boundaries in his or her environment or sees one parent (or both) behaving narcissistic, even dominant or downright abusive… is at a higher risk of becoming a narcissist himself. Divorce upheaves a child's entire world and if they were already exposed to a home environment that was less than healthy due to one parent's domineering ways toward their spouse… the child's social skills and healthy expression may be lacking,  anger taking the place of a healthy dialogue and expression of self. When anger takes over it may become a way of living… of coping however ineffective in interacting with others and often through trial and error of tantrums the child will learn how to manipulate those around them… not much differently than an explosive abusive adult. The child learns how to manipulate by time and time again trying different behaviors on for size and gauging his or her parents reactions. If they get what they desire through coercion of acting out they learn by cause and effect that throwing a fit gets them what they covet… again and again. They switch between moods like channel surfing or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…. sweet as pie one moment when they are receiving what they want and the next… lashing out in a rage for not getting the attention, materialism etc they wanted. 



Narcissism Or Aspergers? Maybe Both

This behavior, this switching back and forth between being cool and collected, even loving and alternately throwing fits can hauntingly resemble Aspergers and the fits that sometimes go with it. It is possible for adults with Aspergers to be confused as Narcissists… personally curious about this, I've scoured message board after message board online and found many others to be puzzled about this too. Aspergers naturally has a seed within that causes one to appear a bit more egocentric. As parents it's important to discourage egotistical tendencies and encourage healthy expression of feelings, empathy and giving in our children and why children with Aspergers need all the early behavior intervention that they can obtain to function as well as possible in society as adults. Often we hear Asperger's groups online rally solely for acceptance... acceptance is of course needed. However let's also try to keep in mind that denying the fact a child could benefit from help is to be of disservice to them. Today it may be a question for some people to ponder… could someone with Aspergers also be a sociopath? Anything is possible… as genetics drawn from two people can produce a child that may exhibit characteristics of several different diagnoses. If someone who is a narcissist or on the extreme a sociopath marries someone with Aspergers traits (preys on them, uses them) is it possible for them to then produce a child who later grows up to be a sociopath with Aspergers-like traits? Possibly, yes. 

Minimize The Buying & Say No To Fear: 

One of the best things all parents can do is minimize the buying, minimize the indulging and don't give in to a child out of fear of their fits. It takes guts (and tough love) to stand your ground especially if you have other parents giving you the evil eye in public or feel at your wits end behind closed doors. But don't give in with excuses or special privileges… like "Okay, just this once…" as it makes the child feel superior. This subliminally tells the child they are in control, that they are running the show and it instills a lack of empathy for anyone else's needs or feelings. It becomes all about them and what they need right then instead of being sensitive to the fact others around them also have a need for time, attention, love, space and to voice their own thoughts. 


Teach About Coping By Pointing Out Others Behaviors & By Example: 

To help minimize lashing out in their child a parent can teach their child (at an early age is best but better late than never) how to respond in times of stress, anger and frustration by pointing out how others are coping or their lack of. When we see someone lashing out in traffic and engaging in road rage, that is not the time to ignore it. That is the time to engage our children and have a conversation with them… pointing out the wrong behavior and ask them what they think about it… then ask them how they think the people could have handled it differently if they had a chance at a do over. It will open the lines of communication and help your children see that there is a better, more mature and healthy way to handle anger… that it's not the anger that's bad but what we do with it. If we witness someone, maybe a sales clerk having a difficult time with a customer in public yet see them handle it with dignity, empathy and grace… we can use that scenario to have an honest conversation with our kids… pointing out how well that the situation was handled despite how undoubtedly difficult it was. When we are setting a stellar example ourselves in how we treat others, when we use our manners and smile, when we say "please" and "thank you"… when we ask someone how they are doing at the register, at the drive thru window or the bank… our children notice and over time will follow what we lead by example no matter what we say. 

Help For The Narcissistic Child: 

1. Don't engage in power struggles with your child. 

2. Use positive reinforcement (praise) when they vocalize their feelings in a healthy manner, help others or make good choices. 

3. Teach them (role play if necessary) that when setting boundaries with people they can practice saying "It bothers me when…" or "I become frustrated when…" instead of lashing out. 

4. Encourage and set an example of giving so they don't grow up to believe only taking is acceptable. Get them involved with volunteering through a local charity or church.  

5. Get them to thinking and having an open dialogue… is this issue going to matter tomorrow? Or in an hour? On a scale of one to five how big a deal is this? That you aren't getting your way? That you can't get the toy you want? That you can't go on the play date? Can we find a solution? Is there a cheaper alternative? Maybe some manual labor like raking leaves or washing the car could help you earn the money needed for that new toy. Can we check the calendar and see when another play date is available? Focus on problem solving, hard work and being content with what we have versus being stuck in negative emotions, a "give me" attitude and focusing on what we don't have. 

6. Anger usually always follows hurt. Let's discuss what's really going on here… what are you hurting from? Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you disappointed by something? 


Victory Is Possible: 

When we discover positive ways to help our children and battle any narcissistic tendencies they lean toward we can find victory… in our parenting and our children's lives. Reading the word of God… our bibles regularly with our children and having an open dialogue with them about what is selfless and Christ like versus flesh and world like keeps their eyes open to what is good and pure versus selfish and sinful. We can read all the parenting books in the world looking, searching for an answer regarding our children's behavior… but we really don't have to search any further than our bible… the answers we are often searching for are right there within it's pages… just waiting to be read.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                                                         To My Readers: 

                                                   Thank you for reading, 

                                                 commenting and sharing! 

"Because You're Old Enough To Be My Dad": Older Men & Younger Women

              1998

             some names have been omitted from this post 

                      ************************

The bar was dark and the patrons mingled along the stained concrete floor amongst the stone pillars accented with lit bronzed lanterns giving off a warm glow that cast on everyone's faces. I stood beside my friend with her halo of blonde chin length curls and we leaned in toward one another in conversation to barely be heard over the music being emitted from the overhead speakers. Up ahead, an older gentleman nearing fifty began moving toward me, dressed in jeans, a crisp collared shirt and cowboy hat. He was handsome and although had certainly aged gracefully I wasn't interested as our ages were at distant extremes. 

He strode up to me and approached, his grasp holding a glass beer bottle and under his mustached mouth he conveyed a smile with a deep but velvety question...

"Can I buy you a drink?" 

"No, but thank you." I responded politely.

He looked at me with amused curiosity and with another smile he responded,

"And why not?" 

I took a deep breath inward. I could have told him because I don't accept drinks from any man in any bar because I believed if a woman let a man buy her a drink he'd expect something. I was also full of self pride and would be darned if some man was going to buy me a drink because I could buy myself one, thank you very much. But as he conferred with his male friend in low tones and his eyes glistened at me, I heard the words "...fine young thing..." utter from his lips and I recoiled inside. 

"Why?" I asked him, echoing what he'd asked me. 

He nodded waiting expectantly for an answer from me. 

"Because you're old enough to be my dad. That's why. It's inappropriate." 

I replied with a polite tone yet firm.

He stood there shocked at my honesty, tipped his hat, said "Okay" and walked away. 

                    ***********************

As women it can be understandably incredibly frustrating when our dating age bracket seems to be going higher with each passing year while men's plummet lower and lower as they grow older and older. When were twenty we have forty and fifty year old men looking aka leering at us. When were forty we have sixty year old men looking at us. I see it in the grocery store, the convenience store, the shopping mall and restaurants etc... their gaze lingering, hoping you will meet theirs. I see it in traffic at stop lights as they grin from their convertible BMW's eliciting an internal eye roll from me. 

We aren't flattered... 

but maybe creeped out. 

Why is it socially acceptable for a man to hit on, 

date and marry a much younger woman?

Why do some men believe they are entitled (holding an over inflated ego and an obscured view of themselves) to have a much younger woman on their arm? It's rampant on dating websites these days... men are searching for a woman at least one if not two age brackets younger than their own. 

Youth trumps, it seems by society's standards and so many men want a woman still in the throes of flawless outward beauty to flash as a trophy of sorts on their arm to the world that screams:

 "Look at me and what I have." 

= EGO

  Men are not God's gift to women

Men may believe that younger women say "Yes" more often than women in their own age group. Younger women could possibly do this (?) and who knows the reasons but consequently the man can then happily take the reins, guiding the relationship to be on HIS terms as he sees fit.... but for these men is this about leading or control? For men is it about "having it my way" because their ex-wife actually voiced opposition occasionally and they didn't like it? Knowing what the important driving force is for a man to date a much younger woman is telling in his own growth and if he's become stagnated. 

He may get a huge ego boost knowing he's "still got it" which doesn't really make any sense because if as an older male the agenda is to attract, date and possibly marry a much younger woman one would surmise that he always stands a higher risk of being used financially if she's barely standing on two feet in a tiny apartment, a hefty car payment and barely enough money to feed her cat... not always a reality of course but we also know people in general don't want to be conned but instead genuinely loved. A woman on equal ground will more likely see the value in him not his wallet. A woman on equal ground will see him as an asset of endearing masculinity, an equal and a blessing to her life not to her pocketbook. A woman on equal ground will have decades of experiences, stories and changing (growing) views that add depth and interest to conversation over wine and candlelight. It's the things of substance like these and more that men are ultimately missing out on when they choose to date a much younger woman. It's certainly something men should keep in mind when they choose who they wish to pursue in dating. 

Younger women may appear much easier to impress in a man's eyes than older women but that may also be in part that older women are in a different place of maturity... in that as a whole they aren't going to be swept away with moonbeams in their eyes by big shiny toys or expensive cars or fancy restaurants. Knowing that these shiny objects and experiences are just fleeting materialism and image that can definitely be enjoyed but at the end of the day offer no real joy but instead it's a warm, loving, genuine heart that does... 

and at the end of the day men need to remember that all external beauty fades over time no matter how young their date is, as their own looks do, but the beauty of someone's heart never fades...

and that's what matters most. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

BEAUTY IS 

FLEETING 

BUT A KIND 

AND LOVING 

HEART IS

TIMELESS 

                 To My Readers: 

                 Thank you for reading, 

               commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/standing-on-road-she-didnt-plan-single.html

Women: Proverbs 31 or Sexy Hot? 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/women-proverbs-31-or-sexy-hot.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

When "Love" = Death: What I Wanted To Tell Her

I sat from afar... watching them. 

The remnants from my lunch along with a crumpled paper napkin sat on the counter, my boots perched on the stool rungs as I sat wearing jeans and a softly faded white and grey striped pullover, my earrings dangling like glistening mini amber chandeliers as I reached in my handbag to dig around for a Chapstick and lipgloss. As I did, I glanced back over as they finished at the register and began striding toward my direction. 

She was tiny, no more than four feet something and slender... with beautiful long dark glossy hair that she had taken the time to curl. She wore cerulean blue pants with heels and a quarter length sleeve blouse in a silky cream. I had seen them enter the store twenty minutes earlier... him in baggy jeans and a dress shirt, his hair immaculately styled, walking a good eight feet ahead of her, ignoring her as she struggled to navigate the uneven pavement in her precarious heels... heels she had worn in an effort to look nice. He swaggered ahead, cocky in demeanor and one would hope honestly oblivious to her struggle yet obviously questioning how on earth he could be... 

Now she pushed the cart, struggling with the weight of it as it was filled to the top with groceries and essentials and yet he strode ahead once again seemingly oblivious to her existence. Then he stopped abruptly and waltzed past her. I watched as the scenario painfully unfolded... her coming to a halt with the shopping cart, turning back to call out to him... 

"What?" 

He ignored her. 

She called again "What is it?" 

He threw a "I forgot something" back at her over his shoulder with visible irritation and kept walking. 

She stood there for a split second like she was contemplating what to do... she looked like she wanted to cry then she let out an audible sigh and with frustration turned the heavy cart around to go back after him. 

No, stop... I wanted to tell her. 

I wanted to take her by the arm, sit her down and spell out all the ways he was no good for her... how he was treating her like she didn't exist, how he had been checking out another woman when they were at the register, how he was blantantly dismissive of her. 

I wanted to tell her that no, she should not chase after him. That no, she didn't have to accept his behavior, that she had every right to put her foot down and say "no more." 

I wanted to tell her she could do much better based upon his callous treatment of her, that she didn't have to settle to be loved with a love that was draining and never fulfilling because that's not love... that's death in a cup. 

I wanted to tell her that somewhere there was a man who would love her, keep her on his arm, show the world how proud he was to have her yet not out of narcissistic egotism but out of gracious appreciation for her heart and soul. I wanted to tell her that yes, somewhere there was a man worthy of her love and that although she hasn't met him yet she can pray for him to walk into her life not with a boyish swagger but with a manly stride along with Godly character. 

I wanted to tell her all these things... 

Things she might know or not... things she may deny but later come to know as truth... things too painful to want to hear... things we often want to push away and sweep under the rug because listening to them means possibly facing them and watching the clock tick by as we lose more time in our youth, our life, to begin again as we wish to... not quite realizing how much we really are losing by investing ourselves in a love that doesn't really meet the definition of love. 

Yet no matter what our age... whether we are five, twenty, or forty, we can pray for our future husband, our future love and ask God to keep him safe, keep him in His word, to give him wisdom and to guide him toward us. We can pray for a man of Godly character who will love us with sincerity... that calls us by name in genuine love and holds our hand to walk the narrow path together... 

beyond blessed to have us by his side.

 © gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

                 To My Readers: 

             Thank you for reading, 

           commenting and sharing!

An Open Letter To Husbands: Love, Your Wife

“Period Letters” by Simon Howden via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

We all do it don't we? 

We look back and see things in life we coulda shoulda done differently. 

And some might say that's a waste of time. And in length, yes, yes it is. 

Lingering too long on the possible regrets of the past is not productive and a fruitless endeavor as it keeps us stagnant and our feet immobile. But clear snap shots of clarity, of those moments where you have the lightbulb moment and take mental notes to purposely do differently from here out without the invisible bat in hand beating yourself up but instead giving yourself grace to move on with compassion and PURPOSEful action.... 

     That's progress

Men today may wonder what they can do to be the best possible husband and yet misguidedly believe that their earning power is the be all end all of being a good husband. Yet.... that's such a misconception today. 

Men certainly don't want to get married and then years down the road find themselves in a quagmire of regret... realizing that their marriage is suffering and yet wondering what exactly brought it to this disappointing place in time. But what really leads a marriage to a place of despair or darkness is priorities being placed in the wrong order. Perhaps if things aren't going as well as one had dreamed it might be a good time to evaluate and see what is being placed first and foremost as most important. In so many marriages today men are understandably incredibly stressed out trying to provide, working long hours and not really enjoying free time with their wives and their families. One question we can ask ourselves is: 

Are we living beyond our means? 

If a household is doing just that then the husband is working far more than he should just to still be behind. Evaluating our lifestyles and what we are placing in the important column is crucial to making changes. 

Priority # 1: 

When a husband places God and

 family first everything else falls into place. 

Dear Men Of The World,   

As women we don't care if your paycheck is six figures, we don't care if your car is the newest model and fully loaded. We don't care if your truck or home is equipped with the latest sound system. We don't care how thick your wallet is. We don't care how great you are at mastering the grill and how much you paid for those steaks you picked up at the market. We don't care if you burnt the dinner you were trying to prepare for us and grabbed take out instead from a steakhouse. We don't care if you've had your picture taken with celebrities or won the lotto. We don't care that you drive a BMW or belong to the Admirals Club. We don't care if you make every green light down the thoroughfare because of your speedster. We don't care if you win all the pool games, dunk every basketball and never lose a game of Dice Buddies. We don't care if you have rubbed shoulders with higher ups, with royalty or movie stars. We don't care you that you're an entrepreneur and invented some gizmo or gadget. We don't care what your degree is in and where you went to college. We don't care about your "most awesome trip ever" 4-wheeling or your stunts during an all guys ski trip. We don't care that your testosterone outshined some other guys on the freeway, on the soccer field or in a bar. 

We don't care. 

What DO we care about? 

Honesty... one lie will make us question everything you say from that point on.

Character... treating others how you would want to be treated including us. 

Compassion... showing you care we had a bad day, had a flat tire, got a horrendous haircut. 

Listening without fixing... sometimes we may need a solution but most of the time (90%) we are venting. Hang tight, listen, nod, hug us and hold us. 

Purposeful Loving Action(s)... your words may be as beautiful as a sonnet but if they don't carry any weight with action to back them up they are as cheap as a Louis Vuitton knock-off. 

Hugs... they show affection and comfort. 

Cuddling... pretty self explanatory. 

An "I get it." .... this means you hear us, you are listening. 

Occasionally an "You make me smile." ... that it's not always about what were wearing, how we look, etc. But that you also appreciate our inner beauty. 

Doing without keeping score... the one who keeps score always loses in the long run. Guaranteed. 

Kisses... yes!

Eye contact... Shows you are in the "here and now." 

Quality time spent together... doesn't have to be pricey just thoughtful. 

Romance... bits here and there in the daily hustle & bustle of life are lovely.

Leadership without control... leading in love not dictatorship. 

Asking our opinion.... we love it when you ask us "What do you think?" It's a turn on and makes us feel acknowledged. 

Equality... woman came from the man's rib, not his feet. 

God.... placing Him first and reading the bible together, praying together, attending church etc., sets a stable foundation for your marriage.

No one wants to live in regret and wonder what they coulda shoulda done differently. There is not a perfect marriage but when we set our priorities straight in life we will undoubtedly live our life as a beautiful example to others with the one we chose to love each and every day. 

And that's certainly something God cares about.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

                   To My Readers: 

              Thank you for reading, 

            commenting and sharing!