She Asked Me: Who Killed Your Sister?

“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalphotos.net 

February 2015

names have been changed and omitted in this post 

**************

It was February, when skies are often gray all twenty eight days and temperatures typically hover in the fifties. I can take the chill of fifty degree weather, but please Dear Mother Nature, send us some sun with it… to take that winter edge off, so we don't feel as though we live in a gray blanket.

A little past three o'clock, I maneuvered thick afternoon traffic after having picked up my daughter from school… we had just departed from the post office and now were en route to the grocery store to pick up a few essentials like milk, bread and eggs. As I glided past stores, a seafood restaurant and a bakery… I heard my daughter speak up from the backseat.

"How come Daddy is taking us to see Braydon?" She asked me, "us" meaning her and her brother seeing their younger cousin Braydon.

My mental daydreaming behind the wheel was interrupted by her unexpected question and I took a few seconds to collect my thoughts.

"Braydon is my nephew, your cousin… so it's really my place to take you to see Braydon. I don't know why he's doing that. But sometimes people don't always know their place… sometimes people just ignore boundaries and do what they want." I murmured with irritation thinking of her father.

"Oh…" She responded "So, Daddy does it even though he knows he shouldn't? I mean, he does it just to be annoying? Because he's your nephew, your sister's kid so I don't think he should be doing that..." She asked me, rationalizing aloud, trying to get clarification on a situation that was beyond anyone's comprehension at this point…

"Yeah, pretty much!" I replied and as soon as I uttered it, realizing my tone was a little snappy. Ugh. I took a deep breath, this was very difficult territory for me, this was hard stuff, this was an area where I had to work comparable to pulling nails to not lose my cool. Rationally I knew it wasn't her fault. Admittedly just the topic alone often sent me into an irritated state by just thinking about it and succumbing to becoming grumpy. Deep breaths, I told myself. It's not her fault, she doesn't know what you're dealing with. She doesn't know that it is all ridiculously insane and some twilight zone we've all entered. Or maybe she did. Just quietly observing over time she had already gathered information about her dad's actions. She obviously saw reality as it was, she was a smart kid and I certainly wasn't going to protest when she saw the truth before her… the truth however grossly odd. It was so bizarre… my deceased sister who had been killed by a drunk driver; her child that was born just before her death, my sweet nephew… was at times in the care of my ex… whom my sister had despised with a passion. It was all so ironically dysfunctional and awful at best. My ex would occasionally have my nephew in his care when our daughter was on his week and along with our son they would go out to eat and hang out.

When I had explained this strange reality to sweet long time friends at breakfast one morning over eggs, biscuits and coffee, one of them leaned forward in astonishment and understandable angered injustice at the whole thing… "You have GOT to be kidding me!" was written all over her face… unbelieving that this was even possible, that anyone could be that inept, that conniving, that manipulative, that anyone could be that big of a "meanie poopie head" as my daughter says. But, yes, as unbelievable as it was, boundaries seemed to be non-existent and instead chaos ran amok happily served up by my ex.

As we drove along, taking the curves on the main thoroughfare, I ruminated over the situation, my daughter having sparked a mental narrative… she spoke…

"Mommy, how come you get stuff in the mail from those MADD people all the time? What are they sending you?"

"I get letters about other families that have been affected by drunk drivers, sometimes I just get updates on what they are doing to fight drunk driving and other times they ask me to donate money. I try to send them what I can." I told her.

"Oh…" She replied. I glanced at her sitting in the backseat via the rearview mirror and detected her furrowed brows… she was deep in thought and as if trying to piece together a puzzle, she seemed troubled by something. In seconds I would find out what it was… the next question was coming, like a tornado, a question I had dreaded one day my being asked and bewilderingly, it was now coming… like a wind that had been kept at bay for years… now it was being released and with it the ability to send me into a near panic at it's presence.

"Mommy… who killed your sister? The drunk driver who killed Aunt Elaine, who was it? Did they die?" She asked me, the question making my stomach drop, my hands gripping the leather steering wheel becoming clammy, wishing she hadn't asked. I truly hadn't expected this question this soon… maybe in a few years… but not yet. And I wished it hadn't shown up at my door… it wasn't something I had wanted to have to delve into… and at that I wasn't sure if I ever would be ready to.

I pressed the button on the radio, silencing the music playing softly and cleared my throat. I didn't answer right away… I sat at the light that had turned red watching the traffic flow, vehicles taking their turns, trying to grasp my thoughts… I hated this. I really hated this.

"Braydon's daddy killed her." I finally said.

I heard an audible gasp from the backseat and finally she spoke "Braydon's daddy?" She affirmed.

"Yes, " I responded through gritted teeth, "He died the next morning." I added.

"Ohhh… " She said sadly, then came the next question… "Is he in heaven? Or hell?"

GET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE. 


The light turned green. I paused, looking both ways before hitting the gas to ensure anyone who believed they were invincible wasn't running the light.

Years ago, fresh in my grief I admit I would have said "hell". Quickly, it would have spat out like a nasty bit of phlegm from one's throat… I would have said hell and meant it. I would have gladly served up the answer of hell and felt justified. I would have shoved down any feelings that spoke otherwise and briskly moved on in my fury, hurt and loss. He had been abusive toward her both verbally and physically for years leading up to our losing her.

Now… today, I soberly answered her with more reason and insight… "I don't know where he is." I admitted, "I don't make that decision. God makes that decision. When people do things that are bad and that hurt others we may think they went to hell. And yeah, maybe were right. The bible says no drunkards will inherit the kingdom. But ultimately there is grace and God decides who goes where."

"Poor Braydon…" She whispered softly in the backseat, her small hands clasped in her lap. "Does he know?" She asked.

"No, he doesn't. Listen… if you have any questions about any of this, feel free to ask me, okay? But please don't bring it up to Grandma… "I added, "It only serves to upset her and she's upset enough about it."

"Okay, I won't." She agreed.

*********************

Drinking should always be dealt with carefully, with sober judgment and extreme moderation. The bible speaks of how we should not walk around in drunkenness, in lewdness and revelry as described in Romans 13:13. Anything of excess we know can cause major issues for us… but add alcohol consumption to a moving vehicle, well, any machinery really and we have a recipe for disaster.

The problem with drinking too much is not just related to the possible cause of injury or death from adding driving to the mix but also other unwise decisions… the more we drink the more our vision becomes clouded, our good judgment becomes skewed and the more likely we are to dabble in immoral actions like pre-marital sex, engage in brawling, letting our tongues loose in anger, or simply dying from alcohol poisoning.

I don't believe God is against us drinking altogether although some churches and denominations forbid it… According to this verse the bible shows drinking is permissible…

"...take the silver with you and go to the place the LORD your God will choose.  Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish…" 

But that also doesn't mean to go nuts and throw caution to the wind… to succumb to a drunken state. I believe one of the other issues today with alcohol is the general joking done about it by society… it's everywhere, seemingly infiltrating home decor, gift bags, greeting cards, etc. When I'm out shopping and see decorative signs like "Wine Me Up & Watch Me Go!" it makes me cringe. I'd use that sign for kindling… it would never make it's way into my house. We never know if the person sitting beside us has lost someone to a drunk driver. Right after the loss of my sister I was at a church retreat with other women… sitting at the kitchen table eating a sausage and egg casserole with fruit and juice, I was enjoying the laughs and joy we shared together. But when one of the women laughingly quipped she put alcohol in her pre-schoolers sippy cup to drink at sporting events she attended, I recoiled. I was incredibly upset by that remark. I nearly bit my tongue in half and excused myself from the table. We never know if the person within earshot of us or sitting at the table we are sharing at the company Christmas dinner party is a victim of a drunk driver or yes, even a recovering alcoholic… perhaps they are using every bit of strength to rebuke temptation, {THEY ARE BRAVE} to refrain from having a drink. I do believe we as a society need to be more sensitive in general to others as the often casual remarks made in public, social settings can really wound. If everyone at a table is drinking and one person chooses to order iced tea or water… leave them be… don't ostracize them in front of their peers, don't point out their decision to not drink and above all do not mock them. Some people believe drinking is a sin… respect their decision. Never encourage someone to drink, especially if they've made it clear they have an issue with it. It's not to say you should never drink although that is a choice for some and that is okay… sometimes it's due to medications they are taking, etc. But we do need to make sure we are making wise choices if we do choose to drink.

GLORY TO GOD… 
When we make choices, including those related to alcohol we want to make sure we are honoring God… are we living as He would want us to? Are we following His word? Are the actions were choosing and the words we are uttering related to drinking something we would do and say if Christ was standing beside us? God wants a fruitful life for us… and when we make good choices it brings glory to Him.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS:

Drunk Driving: Losing My Sister & Finding Hope In A Dark Place 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/12/drunk-driving-losing-my-sister-finding.html

Life: It's An Obstacle Course 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/life-its-obstacle-course.html

The Best Of Me: 5 Truths In Life 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-best-of-me-5-truths-in-life.html

Life Lessons: Jesus, The Most Beautiful Teacher

When you look back on your life thus far there are certain moments that may stand out... maybe it's a decision related to education, maybe it's a financial decision you made or perhaps a choice in a relationship. 

Everyone has something they wish they could re-do, that they wish they had said yes to and yet didn't out of fear, foolish pride, haste or anger. Maybe they wish they had said no to someone... not given in to the fleshly desires of their body, had not had pre-marital sex or married someone... as now... life fast forwarded it can be seen that hindsight is always a crystal clear 20/20. 

Maybe they wish they had put marriage on hold for a bit... and instead traveled some, seen the world and savored a few more years of freedom before taking on so many responsibilities. Maybe they regret bad choices related to drugs and alcohol that contributed to a dark path...  now fervently wishing they had taken the path filled with light and inner peace instead of destruction and tears. 

No matter what your past decisions or what has happened to you that wasn't by your own choice but instead handed to you like a bag of lemons…


remember this: 

You are not that choice or experience. 

You are not that infliction by others.

You are not that diagnosis. 

You are not that decision. 

We can stop looking at our past and grumbling

 all those "coulda", "shoulda", 

"woulda's" and begin anew today. 

Stand today and say:

"Today I will not be bitter. I will extend grace to myself and to others. I will remember that I am not my past. I am a new creation and beginning today I will put on a new attitude, a new outlook, a healthier perspective. If it's something I can change, I will. But I won't relive the same chapters I've been living. A new chapter awaits! And I'm ready to fill it's pages with beauty, learning, music, growth, purpose, kindness and love." 

Our past doesn't dictate our future. God is our father and He has a great plan for our life, a plan He knows intimately. We can rest assured and say no to anxiety about our future because we know the good Lord knows it like the palm of our hand. We each have a path to take and that path, with all it's trials can be used for good! 

Every single trial we've had has taught us something. There has been something derived from that heartache that taught us a lesson and likely has then helped someone we know in some way... because God can use us to bless others.

God is there with us behind closed doors. He sees the tears, sees the reflection in the mirror we don't want to meet. He sees the mascara stained face, He sees the trembling chin that turns into sobs and the prayers that go unfinished because we fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. He sees the hurt, the betrayal, the pain. He sees the anger, the violation, the fear. He sees it all. 

What have you learned? 

I've learned…. 

no matter how beautiful, how heart wrenching, how sad, how troubling a situation is, Christ is there! He walks beside the joyous ones enjoying their songs of praise and likewise the brokenhearted who cry out in despair. 

sometimes your friends are more like family than family is. Sometimes you're like a little band who only meets once a month or so but in that time it's like you just hung out yesterday. Time and distance means nothing and they mean everything.

to not be skimpy with "I love you". We can be thankful when the last words we speak to someone are those three sweet words. I thank God everyday those were the last words I spoke to my sister before she was killed by a drunk driver. 

if you hear of someone's past, their hurts, their wounds, their struggles, don't hesitate. Hug them tight, don't let go, soothe them with kind words, don't hesitate out of fear for whatever reason. 

if you care about someone and they care for you, don't hold back.... run, don't just walk to him. Scream your love for him from the rooftops. If he is a believer and follows God's word, if he treats you as a best friend should, if he can communicate without shutting down or lashing out, if he speaks to your mind in conversation and your body merely through a kiss.... marry him. 

abortion hurts women. I'd say to any young woman today contemplating an abortion to imagine for a moment meeting that child in Heaven one day. What would you say to him or her? What do you think he or she would say to you? What would you say to God? It's hard to imagine how we may feel about a choice later down the road... ten years, twenty years later but we can remind ourselves feelings are fickle... God's word is unchanging.

sometimes we keep beating ourselves up for past choices that God has already forgiven. You've repented, you've cried out for forgiveness from Him... have you forgiven yourself? Give yourself grace... don't be stingy with yourself. It's not a free ticket to just do whatever you wish but allowing yourself to move on after you come face to face with the reality of a bad decision. You have to live with yourself and liking who you are is part of that. 

just because a man desires you doesn't mean for a second he also values you. One is lust, but value is cloaked in love. Any man can view you with lust, indifference, skepticism and amusement. The self focused male sees a woman as merely a toy, a means to his own pleasures, sick obsessions and tendencies like a depraved animal. 

a real man values you for the beauty you emanate from within, what you add to the world. He shows his love for you through purposeful action... PATTERNS being the key here. Anyone can be "good" occasionally or even much  of the time and talk a good talk... but a Godly man shows consistent good in all areas of his life in how he treats you AND others. 

if you don't realize that your past choices are just a part of your story, not you... it will affect your future. It's imperative you push through all that mental junk, all that garbage you've been exposed to in your childhood, uplift your low esteem, sort those piles of baggage out, boost your confidence, or all that junk will keep cropping up again. We can enter therapy, we can talk to God, we can pray and read His word.

You are a sparkling daughter of a King. He loves you. And no amount of junk you've been through, what lies you've been told, lies you've told yourself or allowed the devil to whisper will change that. Beginning today you can remind yourself that your future begins right now. And that means no longer subscribing to yesterday's narrative of negativity. 

I've learned that to follow Jesus is the best road to travel. For a person to just follow anyone blindly is foolish. But once you begin reading and learning about Him... you may just realize on your own what a great teacher He is and how much He wants to share with you, including His love. It's up to you. For me, He is by far the most beautiful man I know... I can say that not based on sight of Him but by knowing His character. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Birthday/Life Reflections: Babies, The Good Fight, Failures, Racism+Conditioning, Be Moved, Stigmas, Forgiven….

image created and owned by gps grace power strength 

It was my birthday this past week… and with it came a quiet celebration… some past birthdays have been filled with wine, friends, movies, dinners and reservations… but this year I opted for… actually wanted quiet reflection.

Birthdays often come with reflection, even if surrounded by a crowd or after the festivities have lapsed… amidst the sweet singing of "Happy Birthday…", candles flickering beautiful light in the darkness of a room, colorful sprinkles and swirls of chocolate frosting, light and shadows cast about, pretty napkins and a stack of plates… it's when time seemingly comes to a distinct standstill… all the time of being alive condensed in a quick replay flashes through our mind… and a blank chapter ahead… this moment, this very moment as our breath extinguishes candles from lit to black smoke wafting upward… it's like the world is on pause momentarily… as we reflect on snapshots of our life….


In my early twenties I was set against ever having children… then twenty five hit and for whatever reason the baby making bug bit me… I wanted children and have not ever regretted it… I love my babies and actually wish I'd had another. Now I coo over babies in Fisher Price ads, on Pampers commercials and the sweet onesie outfits gracing racks at Target… but reality is I feel like my time has passed… that window shuts a bit more each day. Sure, I love the idea of another… but time is limited and at this point putting my body through another pregnancy… taking on the awesomely huge responsibility of raising another child seems crushingly overwhelming… not to mention there isn't exactly a prospective candidate around to be husband and daddy… being divorced has seemingly shut that door and however disappointing and grievous this past few years have been coming to terms with it… it's likely for the best… or at least that's what I continue to tell myself.


I believe each of us are warriors… in our own way; big or small… in whatever we are fighting for… or maybe just in fighting for ourselves…. maybe we are fighting each day to put one foot ahead of the other… maybe we are fighting to get our coffee at Starbucks and get to work on time… maybe we are fighting to live with loss, despite depression…  maybe we are fighting injustices in the world whether it be with our votes or pens writing letters… maybe we are fighting cancer or poverty halfway across the world… maybe we are fighting for our children in the courtroom or for those we don't even know through charity or volunteering. Maybe we are fighting for love… to keep it, to get it… to even believe we will find it. Keep fighting the good fight… yes, take that break when your muscles ache and your shoulders are weary… when you are feeling weighted down… but then jump back in the ring… keep going… keep fighting… because the world needs every warrior… each battle is important and what is even more important is behind each of those set of boxing gloves fighting for a cause of goodness is a heart that cares.


Failures run the gamut in life… we try, we fail, we try again… it happens. Or maybe… just maybe somebody failed you. Maybe a bunch of people did… maybe your brother failed you… maybe your sister when she left… maybe your mother failed you… but you don't have to worry… you are still here… still intact albeit maybe a few bruises and a wounded heart… maybe you feel you failed someone… maybe you wish you could have a redo… but know this… you are not defined by failures real or imagined… you are a worthy soul indeed.


"I dont understand…" She told me… "He doesn't have a relationship with you… or your sister?" She asked me… "Why? What did she do that was so horrible that caused him to turn his back on her? To sever a relationship?" She pressed with her pen and pad in hand. I looked up at her and spoke with directness "Because… She married a black man." I replied. To you who has been raised in an environment of ignorance… to you who has been conditioned to believe you are liberal when in fact you just believe all people should be treated equally and with love… to you who has been shamed for zero reason… to you who has been whispered hate, lies and misguided agendas… to you who is the fruit loop in a family of cheerios simply because you believe "differently" aka with equal love for others… take heart and know that you aren't alone… "it"… this way of thinking happens behind closed doors, it happens still today and know that not everyone believes this way… that there are plenty of folks who love all and the color of someone's skin means absolutely nothing but instead how one treats others in this journey we call life.


"He could kiss like no one else…" I murmured… "It was like being swallowed up in a deep sea of waves… and you wanted to be engulfed by them. I never told him... but I didn't tell him any of the things I needed to." I told her. Let yourself be moved in this world… surrender yourself, let yourself be moved to laughter by something entertaining… by something silly, by something corny… let yourself be moved to tears by the sentimental… let yourself be moved to change whether it be yourself or the world… let yourself be undeniably open to being moved by others… by moments… let the world in and allow yourself to experience it with abandon… let yourself be moved by a kiss, by the way he says your name whispered softly in your ear… by an act of complete kindness… let your vulnerability shine and allow your heart to ache by the beauty of it all… let people know their sweet spirit, their aches and pains, their tribulations speak to you in all your hurt spots…. don't ever be ashamed by it but instead share it with bravery and joyful courage.


The word "stigma" is actually a word derived from Greek language… it's meaning is about separateness… to separate one man from another… which we may attempt out of our flawed humanness. God loves us with an inclusive love… He is for us. We've perhaps each felt stigmatized at some point… either by others or self imposed erroneous views of ourselves… Many years ago I used to feel so stigmatized by anxiety… but I've since learned that so many others have dealt with it… it no longer feels like such a big deal… we all have something… and if by the off chance we don't we may be anxious about possibly being labeled with something, anything (?) and hence being stigmatized. It is when we no longer subscribe to the worry that others will view us as different or inferior, when we acknowledge and truly know God's deep affection for us we can stand in victory against stigmatism and help others do the same.


What defines you? Those ugly sinful actions from your past that may creep up and haunt, that may try to guilt, actually shame you into a pit of downward spiral, casting your eyes away from God?… no, those don't define you… you've repented, you've cried out, your soul has poured out to Him in sorrow… and yet like a thoughtless cruel sadistic animal that comes in the night lurking at your door the devil continues to tell you otherwise… that you aren't forgiven… you aren't loved, that you're still not enough in His view. The pack in your soul is drudgingly heavy and it would be so divine to release the idea that you must subscribe to a lifetime of penance… that weight is too heavy… too much for anyone to bear… it's time to let go, release it and stand tall in your shoes in who you are… a child of God… beautiful, forgiven, redeemed…

remember this the next time you blow out birthday candles… God has shown you love and mercy… you've been granted another day on this earth… you've learned so much… you've been through so much in this life… and even in the bold beauty of it all, the devastation and flaws… you are here, you made it… so rock the song, enjoy the fiery sparks, scarf the cake, drink the drink… enjoy your shining moment that He has given you… and then reflect… reflect on what you've learned, what you've battled, what you've given… who you've loved… and give thanks to Him.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com    

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/intent-living-life-of-purpose.html

We Were Meant To Live For So Much More

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Choices: "Yes, You Can Order A Baby…" I Told Her

November 2014 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

The wipers glide across the windshield, each glide clearing away the tiny drops of rain speckling the glass. The sky overhead is dark and even though it's a quarter to eight in the morning it feels much earlier. Driving my daughter to school I access the freeway, accelerating to gain a spot in the busy morning line up of cars. Everything around us appears gray and dreary like the world has been ensconced in a gray shroud. Red tail lights light up ahead as blurry red warnings and I begin applying the brakes. I crack the driver's side window to let some fresh cool air in because the interior is stuffy.

"Mommy, did you know you can have a baby without getting married?" My daughters voice asked from the backseat. We had some of our best conversations while riding in the car. But this question made my insides momentarily panic and my hand gripped the leather steering wheel a bit harder like a reflexive reaction.

What the…. ? My mind automatically thought and I wondered what this was about. I inhaled and tried to use my breezy calm I'm not a freaked out mommy at all voice but simultaneously my mind raced.

"Oh, really? Hmm… you can?" I asked her, flicking my right blinker on so I could exit.

"Uh, huh… you can…" She affirmed "You can go to the doctor and order a baby."

Shock and a huge sigh of relief ensued. Apparently she had found out about insemination, sperm donors or the like… and wasn't referring to pre-marital sex… thank the good Lord.

"Yes, you're right… you can do that. You can also adopt a baby." I told her as I made the right turn into the residential area the school was near. We had just enough time to get through the car pool line and pull curbside.

"Yeah… so that's what I'm going to do I think. I think I'm going to order a baby." She replied very matter of fact like she was telling me she was going to have cookies with milk for an afternoon snack while doing her homework that afternoon.

I smiled to myself, tickled at her words… "Well, you can certainly do that, sweet pea. I don't see anything wrong with that." I replied and after some thought added… "Just always remember you have choices. You don't have to fit into a mold, you don't have to be limited by what you see other people doing. You can get married, you can stay single, you can adopt, you can order a baby, you can do any of those things… okay?"

She yawned and nodded, already bored with the subject and ready to move on. "Okay…" she said.

*****************

I knew if her dad had heard that conversation he'd be ready to glare daggers at me for giving her the green light in having a choice… in choosing to have a baby minus a husband… my agreeing she could just order a baby like a ham at the local delicatessen. He would say he wants her to get married. To find a nice guy. He would say he wants her to find someone better than him.

I focus on the fact she has choices

 instead of trying to persuade 

her one choice is the way to go

Maybe it's being a mother… maybe to be more accurate it's just being a woman. But as women we know the limits the world often tries to place on us in general… the whole list of "you should" do this, "you should" be that etc… expectations of women being demure and walking around with a smile pasted on their faces merely for the enjoyment of men's ogling eyes. Expectations that when I had a man tell me once "You would be so pretty if you smiled!" I retorted "You'd be so smart if you'd shut up!" I let my own ugly honesty hang out in that moment and even though it wasn't pretty, and I'd let my impulsive tongue loose (!)  there was truth to it… as women we aren't put on this earth to caress men's lustful eyeballs with our outer beauty.


It seemed there was always someone ready to tell you what to do… in the male sense… and how to be… once when I was in my twenties I worked for a chiropractor. I didn't believe in it. I simply needed a job.  I have since learned that staying true to yourself, actually believing in what you do is kind of important. But this chiropractor believed I needed my back adjusted. And no matter how many times I told him no he continued, he pushed, he wouldn't let up. Finally one day I snapped, told him exactly how unprofessional he was, called him an a**, grabbed my purse and walked out… him with his mouth gaping open to the floor and about a dozen seventy plus seniors sitting in the waiting room witnessing the entire scene play out with their mouths hanging open as well. I received a screaming language laced voicemail from him later for the lurch I'd put him in… as there was no one to answer the phone and check in patients all afternoon… yet no apology for the way he had behaved… in his eyes his behavior was irrelevant. I don't want my daughter to be at the mercy of any man who believes she needs to be pretty for him… that believes he can harass her, that her needs are less important than his, that she needs to hold back when she needs to speak up, that she has to do what is considered the "norm" in society's eyes and have two kids, a hubby and the picket fence, as there are so many more possibilities out there not just for her but for all girls.


What I want for my daughter is not feeling like she has to have a man if she so chooses not to. I want her to realize that although love is essential in life a spouse isn't. I want her to know that she can order up any kind of life she so chooses just like a pizza… she can make it custom to her liking and no one else's. Is that selfish? It could certainly be argued so. But I didn't have her so she could produce a life to my liking and give me grand babies. I gave her the gift of life so she could create one to her liking one day. If there is any gift I give her I want it to be the knowledge she always has choices… so far she's making pretty good ones and although that may not always be the case… I'm proud of her. She prays, she loves Jesus with all her heart, she's kind and thoughtful and she's beginning to be assertive… she has a way to go… sometimes it doesn't happen when it should, sometimes it's right on point and other times it comes out snarky with a sting … there is undeniably a difference between being assertive and having a loose and reckless tongue as this has been my own battle of plain old rebellion mixed with a case of ADHD impulsivity… but she will get there… bit by bit and in that bit by bit is God… with His guidance, His teaching, His lessons…  namely His conviction and grace…


Maybe I don't just want her to know she can make choices… but that she can make good ones… I've made so many choices I regret… that I wish I had a re-do on… we all have something… I don't believe in that "denial-filled have no regrets" philosophy… I believe our regrets tell much about us… they show the point of where we've been and where we are now… and in between is a dusty road filled with growth and change albeit painful as heck… there in regret is me in a foggy cloud, lying on a bed with wheels covered under a white sheet and hearing the murmur of another girl behind the curtain beside me say "This is my fifth abortion…" and thinking to myself instantaneously how horrible she was… how I was better than her… even in my gross state of ugly wretched sin… and yet then feeling numbly convicted because I had screwed up too… I had chosen death over life and I would spend forever regretting that choice… during that trek on a dusty road doubting if God ever really forgave me… how many times can you ask for forgiveness? And what is worse is wanting forgiveness from your baby while not deserving it… and now I wonder if the girl behind the curtain regrets too… I have never forgotten her, a face I never saw… and I never will…

Like that girl I want my daughter to know that God may not love your choices but He loves you… He has the final say… the final verdict on our lives, He is who brings beauty from the bad choices we make… He is who makes our flesh whole… who brings vibrant color to where deathly gray hung. He is who we go to in our tears of bad choices, our weaknesses, our frailties and our sore spots.


So, yes, dear daughter and girls of the world… make good choices… will you have regrets? That's like asking if you'll ever have grey hair… you will. But cling to God in the good and bad… take one day at a time… order the life you want with God's blessing, do your thing, start a business, travel the world, run a marathon, write a novel, volunteer…

And if you find someone who you love and you make the choice to include them in the life you built with God by your side…

Consider him a beautiful bonus to an already very blessed life…

Illuminated by Christ's love shown for you on the cross.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing!

Related Posts: 

Dear Friend: A Letter Of Love To You

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/10/dear-friend-letter-of-love-to-you.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/youve-probably-heard-by-now-at-least-if.html

Depression: It Affects Us All

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/08/depression-it-affects-us-all.html

The Best Of Me: 5 Truths In Life

Last Friday afternoon found me sitting in a movie theater… escaping reality for a little while and enjoying some much needed down time. The Best Of Me was a tear jerker like nearly all Nicholas Sparks stories… and I left not only with a wad of wet kleenex in my purse but reeling from the emotionally charged film. If you haven't seen it or heard of it it's a story of two high school sweet hearts who take different paths and eventually find themselves meeting up again due to events out of their control.

*********************

I opened the door to my SUV, sliding on the brown leather seat, tossing my oversized bag onto the floor of the backseat behind me. Sunlight streamed into the windshield and I winced from the harshness of it despite wearing Jackie O style sunglasses. The late afternoon sun was in full force and even though my stomach grumbled it was hungry I knew it had to wait… I was needed back at the office… work called.

Beside me, my mother flipped her visor down to shield the light from her eyes and she pulled her seat belt across her, buckling it in place. Starting the ignition I breathed in deeply through my nostrils and felt the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders begin to slowly release as I exhaled.


"What did you think of it?" I asked her… backing out of the parking space and slowly making my way across the lot toward the street. The late October weather was mild and finally boots were justified… fall is terribly fleeting in Texas… it barely makes it's presence, like a flirt it disappears as quickly as it comes before winter settles in full force.

"It was a little rough… rougher than what I expected." She murmured and I immediately detected her disapproving tone.

I myself had not expected it to be that rough… I was expecting sappy and sweet not what it had delivered… a mix of heart gut wrenching emotions that had left me feeling more drained than anything. I affirmed my agreement with her with a murmur.

"What did you think?" She asked me… "Did you like it?"

"Parts of it… " I replied slowly and cautiously… "Parts of it I was disappointed in… there was no justification for them as high schoolers to have sex… it wasn't sweet or endearing… this is a PG- 13 rating… it sends the message to young teens that this is okay behavior… that scene was disturbing… it bothered me." I told her with a furrowed brow. "And… " I continued, "They didn't learn their lesson later in life… she's ready to have an affair with him…  even if she is likely from what we can gather married to a jerk. And he was more than willing to let that happen. It was disappointing to see that occur… them together when she wasn't divorced. I wish it had been written differently."


She echoed the same sentiments as well and as I followed the flow of traffic down the main thoroughfare my thoughts spun too… "It's really a story of destruction." I said quietly. "It's a contrast of how maybe you think things should be and then how they really are. It's idealism and painful reality clashing like two opposing planets. It's the age old battle of how life coulda been versus what unfortunately is." I added… "You think to yourself… if only his family would have crawled under a rock… left them alone… they created so much pain and heartache. And it ultimately killed him. It's the injustice of that part and then the struggle that he's not his father. He's not like his family… him realizing his identity is not in them and their sinful ways. He stood for beauty and good."


"And then you've got her family… her dad trying to buy him off to not see her anymore." She added, "That was so cliche… it's been done time and time again."

"True… and yet it happens all the time I imagine in higher social circles." I affirmed and pursed my lips in thought... "How can she respect her father when he behaves that way? Her father is a man choosing to be defined by his wallet not Godly character."

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5 Truths In Life: 

1. You are not your family
You are not defined by your father who beat you, a mother who neglected you or any other scenario… we are not summed up by our relatives, by our bloodline… we are not their mistakes. They are separate from us… their wallet doesn't equate to our value as a person whether it's full or empty. God knows who we are… we are His and we are loved by Him.


2. Missing someone doesn't equate to pursuing them
We all have past relationships whether they are short lived or long and span the course of several years… we may have regrets or simply just wonder from time to time what coulda happened if it had worked out. It's one thing to wonder… but not fixate… eventually we have to let go… release these feelings and connections like a dandelion to the wind. We hurt others when we indulge in our selfish emotions, when we act on them and hold expectations of others. We also hurt ourselves staying in a state of mind that remains in the past… life is about growth, about change… and if it's meant to be it will happen under God's way and blessing not against the grain.


3. Money doesn't solve everything 
True, money can solve a lot, without a doubt… it can solve emergencies that pop up and threaten our monthly budget… it can solve car troubles, an extra high electricity bill come mid-August or even paying for our kids college educations. But when it comes to wielding power and control… money can fall through… not everyone can be bought… a young woman intent on being with a young man she's in love with or vice versa likely isn't going to respond to a father extracting his wallet. True love doesn't engage in bribes or deals.


4. There is bad in the world
It is an unfortunate truth in life. There is bad everywhere and sometimes it hurts. Life isn't fair and no one ever said it was. Why does it happen? Not one of us can fully understand or explain it. Because of this fact many may be quick to dismiss God and Christians… to poo poo at them, claiming they are living in some type of fantasy world without concrete answers. We as Christians may tend to measure our sins in comparison to others and cry "...but I'm better than Suzie Q or John… so why do these bad things happen to me?" It's human nature to think our sin card is a tiny bit better… cleaner, than the person's next to us, at the office or even on social media. Like thinking of our own children or our own home we are each undeniably a wee bit biased. But the truth is we each deserve the wrath and fury of hell… each day we are still here living and breathing on earth it's because of God's great mercy. The fact is… we live in a sinful world and we each have the power every day to infuse light and love into it or contribute to the continual downfall.


5. She/He Is Maybe A Jerk Yet She/He's Still Your Jerk
In life we may be married to someone who is difficult… heck, were all difficult at times… who isn't when we've had a bad day, been sick or it's that time of the month. Maybe on the extreme were married to someone who is emotionally, physically or verbally abusive. Maybe were married to someone who is toxic, who has a "temper" or who is merely absent. We may not love them, we may not want to be around them or maybe we don't even like them… but unless were divorced they are still our spouse… were either married or were not… there is zero in-between or gray area… even separated still means married in God's eyes. Until were legally divorced we shouldn't be involved with anyone physically or emotionally… if we are struggling with this we can go to Him with it… as pleasing God should be first on our list and it shouldn't feel like a chore but a joy to do.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

images via Pinterest 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Weak 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/01/weak.html

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Old Flames: "Love Is Peace-Seeking And Selfless Not Turmoil And Self-Seeking" I Told Her

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Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse 

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Dear Friend: A Letter Of Love To You

Dear Friend…


Maybe you have been brought down… at least temporarily… perhaps by a life circumstance, maybe by a person whose actions are comparable to a punch with gloves off… but fret not… let a few tears escape… lay on the cold hard floor and bite your lip till it nearly bleeds… lie there listening to nothing but your heart beating in the quiet surrounding you… and take a deep breath… deep breaths… let your stomach rise and fall… let your core and back relax… let it all go… and then after you've allowed yourself that momentary time of prayer and a rejuvenation of strength and strong will… you will leap upward again… you will spring forward like an arrow forced into the wind and sail along despite any push back… you will continue onward because you've been down before… you've been here in this pit of darkness… and yet you know it's never forever… it's not a destination of "this will never change"… but instead it's "this too shall pass".


Determination and strength from God is what fuels you… takes you far… and as wide as possible… determination is a willingness to change as needed… to go with the flow… keeping an open mind and being able to adapt… because often what causes the initial frustration of an obstacle in life is compounded by the inability or unwillingness to accept it… to embrace it… versus kicking it away and resisting it's presence. That resistance… futile resistance is mere stubbornness… an unwillingness to accept what is… and deal the hand dealt to us… versus fighting or sitting stagnant in our chair, arms crossed and closed off to the new chapter that awaits.

Instead we can free ourselves from that cage… we can be open to new possibilities… what our life now looks like… savor what is wonderful right now… and look to what is coming that holds promise and goodness… we can thank God each and every day for the blessings He lets rain over us… despite our condition as wretchedly human. Or maybe the cage is in our head… maybe it's a voice of limitedness that whispers tauntingly, that deceives and tells you that you aren't capable, you aren't worthy… that you cannot go any further because you feel too whipped by your poor choices in the past or life's hand dealt to you or by others… maybe you feel the injustice of it all… but those whispers are just that… whispers and lies of the evil one… in an attempt to keep you down, miserable and suffering… far away from victory… but freedom can be yours… it only requires telling that negative whisper to hush and go shrivel up to die because you, my friend… are a survivor and thriver.


In any life defeats there is a silver lining… where we have loss we always have gain… where one door shuts another opens… we have the ability to embrace something new, or someone and in that be with someone who makes you laugh… who notices the little things… who energizes you… who when you have doubts they acknowledge that no, you did do that… you did it and well… be with someone who gives you credit… who acknowledges your contribution, your efforts, your interest, your care… be with someone who will be straight with you… who doesn't bs you around… who doesn't make excuses, who doesn't pick and choose, who doesn't stall… who is forthright and gives as well, who shares their life, their thoughts, their history… if they aren't willing to do this or questionable flags rise... walk away... be with whom you can say without hesitation "I appreciate you" or "I'm thinking about you"… be with someone who knows what they have when they are with you, who isn't content with living in a relationship of gray but chooses you and commits… these little things from the heart are like rays of sunshine and create a bright glow even in the darkest day.


At the end of the day no matter what threatens our peace what matters is you are defined as God's beloved daughter or son… not merely who others believe you are as defined by our worldly consumerism of cars, clothes, homes, status, jobs, degrees, alumni, etc… we are not defined by our past, our family or the choices made by others. If we were stripped of all that "makes us worthy" in the eyes of man and each of us wore a t-shirt with all our life pains listed… what would yours say? Divorced? Cancer? Loss? Infidelity? Financial Struggles? Job loss? Alcoholism? Depression? Drug Addiction? … and yet it would also say… loved by God. Much of our happiness comes from knowing God's perspective of us… when we see ourselves as God sees us… whether we are on the floor wanting to melt into it from pure exhaustion feeling defeated by others choices that are out of our control or standing atop a hill in joyous liberating song… when we realize with a deeply planted knowledge that our Lord cares for us and will walk beside us no matter what storms occur, no matter the outcome, we will release the chains and absurdities of life to Him and walk free.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                         

                             

                             

                             

                             

                            

                   Thank you to my readers for reading, commenting and sharing!