Fathers And Husbands: Protective Or Predatory

“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

September 2015 

names have been omitted in this post, 
some descriptions have been changed 

****************

It was a Saturday night and I sat curled up in the booth across from him wearing black shorts and an oversized top… September was finally bringing cooler temperatures and we were thankful… with that it was time to indulge in some comfort food. Couples sat in nearby booths enjoying their southern-style meals and our friendly waitress stopped by to refill our glasses of iced tea and water along with dropping off another basket of warm rolls and cornbread. A hot plate of classic meat loaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and macaroni and cheese sat before me. Seated across from me, he sliced into his chicken fried steak and listened while I spoke…

"It was in the weeks after I returned home to my parents from being gone, that he sat outside the house everyday in his Mercedes waiting… " I said, referring to my rapist, as I took a bite of meat loaf.

"Waiting for you to come outside and see him?" He confirmed.

"Yeah" I nodded as I chewed. "My dad said it was embarrassing for him, a Vietnamese guy to be sitting outside like that… for the whole neighborhood to see… the neighbors likely wondering what he was doing out there. He was more concerned with appearances than anything. More concerned with things that didn't matter like race than what truly did matter in life like people's actions." I told him with a resigned look. "He wanted me to get rid of him. I told him I could go talk to him… ride around the block and tell him to stop coming around, explain things to him." I paused and then continued…"I didn't want to be in either place... neither was a good choice... it's bad when you need a third option, when you don't have a good option for a place to live because both are oppressive, not protective. But my dad agreed to me doing that and I went outside, got in his car to talk to him, to tell him to stop coming around."

Across from me seated in the booth, his jaw set, he looked at me and his eyes flashed with anger… "What father allows his daughter to do that?" He demanded. "I would have gone outside with my gun, shot out every single one of his tires so he couldn't drive off and then dealt with him myself."

I looked down at my fork and dabbed at my mashed potatoes, swirling the cream gravy atop it. "Yeah… I went through my years of anger toward him… but prayer helped a lot… I don't feel any anger toward him anymore. On some level I blamed myself initially… I told myself I put myself in a bad situation… what could I really expect? But as time passed I realized that wasn't a valid point. Bao whom I stayed with first always looked out for me. Protected me. He never crossed a line. So people always have the power to be protective or predatory. They make that choice. And race has nothing to do with it. There are people who do terrible things and those who don't no matter what race."I reflected.


He nodded and agreed, listening intently.

"My anger was much more intense toward my father." I told him. "Rage, really. Now I don't feel anything. Just done." I told him, took a sip of ice water and then continued, back to the point. "Ultimately my talk with him didn't go as I thought it would." I said, referring to my rapist. "I really thought I could reason with him. I had returned home without any interference from him but as time had passed he didn't take it well. So I got in his car, I tried to talk to him, my intentions were good, I was so messed up from being with him… I guess what you would call Stockholm syndrome. But… he took off and got on the freeway with me in the car. He wouldn't stop, he wouldn't listen. I told him to let me out. But he wouldn't…" I trailed off.

It was like yesterday… images of I-35 going by in a streak of bright colors lit up in the night from businesses as I peered out the window wishing I wasn't behind the glass. I remember grasping the pale gray leather hand rest in a panic and pleading with him to let me go. Now my mind switched gears from 1994 to the present and I looked at my friend sitting across from me in the booth wearing a ball cap.

He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes pained and his deep voice conveying care… "You don't have to relive it… " He told me, his presence one of warmth, reaching across the table to grasp my hand in comfort. I gently squeezed it back and smiled with appreciation for him.

*****************

A daughter… whether she's a girl, a teenager or young woman looks to her father for two things… being provided for and being protected by him. Her father is by far the most important male influence in her life and her relationship with him will set the tone for how she lives her teenage years… her promiscuity or lack thereof, her choices in men and later on whom she marries. But unfortunately father's may make the mistake of pulling away… withdrawing from her life erroneously believing that his wife, her mother can fill every need that must be met. Fathers, if they have sons as well, may put their focus primarily on them hence leaving their daughters out in the cold… leaving her questioning his love, affection and care. Girls and women want affirmation from their fathers that they are worthy and valued. If they don't feel this from their dads they look elsewhere for it… unfortunately often unwittingly in the arms of another man… a man who is not a good choice for them.

A girl sees how her father treats her mother… she is watching and taking mental notes even if not cognizant of it at the time… she is learning by her father's actions toward her mother how a man treats a woman… a woman he supposedly loves. She will note when he is impatient and barks at her mother… she will note when he intimidates her mother with his fist in a wall… she will notice when he drives erratically because her mother voices an opinion he doesn't like… she will live these various scenarios of abusive behavior and will one day look for a man who is just like her father… or at least some similar variation of him.

It's then that the toxic cycle continues and another generation suffers needlessly… when love is not protective and is certainly anything but love… but instead predatory/oppressive. 

pro·tec·tor

/prəˈtektər/

noun

a person or thing that protects someone or something

pred·a·to·ry

/ˈpredəˌtôrē/

adjective

seeking to exploit or oppress others

So it begins with fathers… what they say to their daughters, the time they spend with them and how they treat their wives will define whether they are protectors or predatory/oppressive in nature. Words are important and actions are even moreso. It will determine the type of man your daughter will one day marry… lay the groundwork now for who that will be… hopefully a man who would die for her, who will protect her, who will do anything to keep her safe and knows her great value as Christ's daughter.  


10 Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter:

1. God loves you. 
2. I love you. 
3. I love your mother. 
4. I'm glad you're here. 
5. You're beautiful. 
6. You matter. 
7. What you think, feel and believe matters. 
8. God wants you to wait to have sex until after you marry. 
9. Waiting to be sexually intimate until after you marry is what's best for you. 
10. No matter what I will always be here for you and love you. 


10 Questions A Father Should Ask His Daughter:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What do you dream about doing?
3. What matters to you?
4. What makes you cry?
5. What makes you laugh?
6. What do you like about me?
7. What do you dislike about me?
8. What do you like about yourself? 
9. What do you dislike about yourself? 
10. What do you believe about Jesus Christ? 

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It's amazing how lives may not be what they appear to the outside world. 

Relationships behind closed doors are often so far from how they are presented to others. What some may see as a loving father may just be a man putting on a show for the world. What some people see as a man happily twirling around his daughter as she giggles with delight in the park, her pigtails flying, causing onlookers to smile appreciatively... is maybe a man who in reality ignores his daughter behind closed doors. Maybe strangers see a man who shares an after school moment of ice cream cones with his children and they assume because the father is taking his sweet time with them he must be the doting dad. But what they don't see is how he ignores them once home and buries himself in his phone, laptop, video game, work, football game, etc. Instead he just exists under the same roof with children who don't really know him and who live in perpetual boredom due to his self centered ways, him always chained to the couch not wanting to be bothered by them, their requests and their neediness as he views it. Maybe he buys them everything their little hearts desire… maybe he buys them off with toys, gifts, movies, outings and desserts. He believes he's bought their love and affection. But when it comes to quality time spent together or even discussions of important topics… school, dreams, goals, bullies, puberty, friendships, hobbies, etc… there is a bottomless pit of silence, of awkward, of distance, of detachment.


This is no way for a child to live.

And yet it happens everyday all across the United States and the world.

Fathers who are not checked in… fathers who are present but not really… fathers who want to be able to tell others "My kids are so great…" and "I have a family…" but really at the end of the day it's all a facade to puff himself up, to make him feel important, like he has his life together, the quintessential picture perfect life… a family portrait of love.

When really it's anything but love.

It's really a portrait of one… of selfishness.

So how do we define what exactly makes up a good father in today's world?

Let me begin by asking you this: 

How you define love?  

That will lead you to what defines a good father. 

We must remember that when someone asks someone
if they love their child their answer
will automatically, unequivocally always be: 

"YES!"

I mean, anyone is going to say yes… and even a father who is self absorbed will say that yes, he loves his kids. Talk is cheap, we all know this and it's easy as pie for anyone to say that he (or she) loves their children. But actions… now those require effort. Actions require time, energy and consistency. Love requires not just action but also insight… into self awareness… into how one can improve upon what is already there. A person who is absorbed with his own wants and needs is not able to effectively show love through actions (besides through his wallet, as he may only know one way to show love or receive it… through buying it) because he's inept, even deficit in that department.


We must remember that when we are attempting to define whether a father is a good father, a loving father, we need to look closely at his actions. Only then will we find our answer.

LOVE = verb/action 

How To Be A Good Father: 

1. Love Your Wife
As a man you teach your son how to treat women; how to love them, care for them, provide for them, how to communicate effectively and calmly and even how to be affectionate toward them in a loving non-crass manner and to be respectful. You also teach your daughter what to look for when she marries one day so be the man you'd want her to marry. 

2. Be Thankful
When father's don't value their child and instead focus on what they don't have… meaning  wishing they had a boy instead of a girl or only focusing on their sons versus their daughters…  not only is it hurtful to their wife but to their children. A daughter will always sense that her father is disappointed she's not a boy. A son will always feel his father's rejection if he's not into sports or prefers the chess club over soccer much to his father's disappointment.  A son will realize his father' s unspoken preference of him if his dad rejects his sister… leading him to feeling superior and believing he has more value merely based on his sex. When father's don't appreciate each child God has blessed them with everyone suffers longterm. 

3. Don't Control
Men are often viewed as the head of the home, to lead, but unfortunately many pastors, churches and society as well have taken this and run with it into very dangerous territory. Head of home or leading does not equate to a free ticket for men to control and abuse their families. Men need direction from their pastors, from their men's groups in their churches… they need support in learning how to lead their families toward God… and not toward sin, control, manipulation and abusive behavior. 

4. Provide For Your Family
Providing for your family with a glad heart, with a joyful spirit, not one of grudges or complaining. A man who steps up and does what he's supposed to do without holding a grudge against his wife. Understandably, a wife may need to work or may have a career she wants to pursue but it's important that if she does choose to be a stay at home mother that her work is valued and not met with scorn by her husband and seen as mooching. 

5. A Good Father Makes Sacrifices
A father who loves his children makes the necessary sacrifices to put his children's present and future well being ahead of his self-gratification. If he is more interested in purchasing a shiny new car tricked out with all the latest gadgets than getting his special needs son the behavior intervention needed he is not showing his child love. If he is giving his daughter new dvd's or uploading new movies onto her iPhone just to keep her out of his hair so he can work overtime and spend extra hours in the office or on the phone he's not putting his daughter's best interests ahead of his own. He's showing through repeated actions that he comes first at the complete suffering of the entire family. 

6. Be Present
Father's are naturally more emotionally capable of being separated from their children, of working longer hours and not being as involved as mothers. But when they are at home, in the presence of their children it's vital that they are tuned in. It's important that they ask their children about school, about their friends, what their struggling with, if they are being bullied (or bullying) and about big issues like peer pressure, sex, drinking, drugs and the opposite sex. It's crucial for daughters to know her dad values her thoughts, her feelings and dreams. It's committing a great act of love when he listens to her and she feels heard. It's also an act of love when a father gets outside in nature with his children, when he's playing a sport or game with his son (or daughter) and encourages them in whatever they excel at. 

7. Be A Moral Person
So often in the family courtroom in the midst of divorce we hear judges say to the mother: "Well, he has every right to 50/50, he's the children's father after all. You and he may be getting a divorce but he's not divorcing his children." No one ever bats an eye at this except for possibly the mother. The truth is… that may be all well and good if the divorce is amicable, both parents are morally good people (the father is truly a loving father) and yet they are just parting ways. But if the divorce is due to a father's act of adultery or some other ill behavior like addiction or abuse, that concept is up for debate. He was not putting his children's best interests first. This is not an issue solely between he and his wife. Because when the marriage breaks consequently the family breaks. Judges need to realize this reality and stop trying to put everything in these neat separate compartments because life simply doesn't work that way. When a father doesn't choose the right path in life but instead sin that threatens to tear apart his family he makes the conscious choice to not be a good role model for his kids…. and that's not loving them… that's loving himself. 


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