Broken Hearted: An Example Of Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex

“Multiple Fracture At Index,little Finger,metacarpal Bone” 

by stockdevil via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

April 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

Thursday April 21 
3:45pm 
"Okay, so I'm looking at the x-ray and her fingers not broken. But I'm going to give her this buddy tape to keep her pinkie stabilized with her ring finger. Keep this on for three weeks. No more basketball… no gym or sports. And in three weeks we will want to see her back here for a follow-up." The Pediatrician told me regarding my daughter. I nodded and confirmed I understood the directions and we soon departed the doctor's office and headed to Target to pick up essentials for dinner.

5:33pm 
Sent message to ex stating daughter's left pinkie finger got bent playing basketball at school. Stated it was swollen and bruised and had been treated with ice and Advil. Stated she had had x-rays and they recommended her finger be buddy taped for three weeks. No response.

Friday April 22 
3:00pm
Daughter returns to her father for the week.

Saturday April 23 
10:00am
Pediatrician's office calls that her finger is broken after all and that they will be referring us to an Ortho doctor for further treatment.

11:07am
Sent ex message that the Pediatrician's office called. No response. I call him and state the situation. I FaceTime our daughter that afternoon and tell her. He hadn't even mentioned it to her.

Monday April 25
1:39pm
Ex messages asking if I've heard from the doctor.
I message back no I haven't.
His response: She needs to get back in to the doctor, please let me know what you find out.
My response: I'll call them.

4:27pm
I message him: Here is the number for the Ortho doctor. They have her file and all you need to do is set an appt. Since you have her this week you can set the appt since you know your schedule. No response.

Tuesday April 26 
8:32am 
I message him to let me know what the doctor says.
He responds he's called twice to arrange an appt but there has been no response.
I respond: I gave them your number to set an appt.
His response: If you talk to a doctor please set an appt.
I respond: All I was able to reach on the phone was an answering service rep.

Wednesday April 27 
4:51pm
I send him a message asking if he ever got an appt set for her. No response.

6:27pm 
He messages me that the doctors office called and said they could make an appt on Friday but I'll be out of town so I gave them your number and they can call you to schedule an appt.

6:35pm
I message him back noting his unavailability and failure to have made her a priority. Also that having that information he should have gone ahead and scheduled her an after school appt to ensure getting her in as soon as possible… but noting that now the doctor's office is closed.

<<<< a cussing rant-a-thon ensues by me in my kitchen as I process the fact he allowed an entire week to go by with her in his care/possession without getting her finger re-assessed… the frustration and worry for my daughter mounting… knowing we have a limited amount of time to get it taken care of and anger at him for being a negligent father.>>>>

Thursday April 28 
8:07am
I first call the Pediatrician's office and speak with the nurse to ensure they are aware he did not follow through on his week and get her in to Ortho. They document it and the nurse states she doesn't understand what his issue is. I smirk at that. I then make a second call before work to set an appt for our daughter but I'm informed that all appointments have been filled and now there is nothing available until the following week on Tuesday at 9:30am.

4:23pm
After work I call a new doctor with better availability (and easier to reach) and get an Ortho appointment set for our daughter for the next day; Friday afternoon. I call my manager at work to inform her that unfortunately I will have to leave work early the following day to get my daughter in to the doctor. I had already had to lose one day's worth of pay because my garage door had broken earlier that week and I couldn't get out. It wasn't like me to have to miss work… I work even when I'm sick if need be. I apologize for the inconvenience and she states she knows it's been a bad week and that it's okay.

Friday April 29 
8:16am 
Messaged ex and stated her appt time at 1:15pm that day.

11:00am 
I leave work early and lose hours/pay and rush to pick daughter up early from school and then to retrieve the x-rays from the Pediatrician's office en-route to the Ortho doctor. Once at the doctor he takes new x-rays and recommends it remain buddy taped for at least two more weeks and to set a follow-up appointment.

Daughter informs me every day she asked her dad when she was going back to the doctor. He continued to tell her that he had called the doctor's office. Then on Thursday he told her that he wouldn't be able to take her to the doctor after all because he was leaving for London to meet his fiancé who had flown ahead; that they were planning to see her daughter's communion once there. She told me he had chosen to put Georgina's daughter ahead of her and that he didn't care about her finger or her. She stated that in any other situation especially regarding her brother he would take charge and done whatever he needed to but when it came to her he didn't care.


This is a typical example of how a narcissistic sociopath operates and lets us down. It's also a typical example of how frustrating it is to attempt to co-parent with a personality disordered individual… these types of scenarios are common for both sexes dealing with those who do not put their children's best interests first. They aren't reliable to those who are dependent upon them or counting on them to do the right thing. Children are always let down; namely if they are the black sheep. Children are chronically broken hearted knowing their parent doesn't love them… they see it by the actions shown to them. Life brings all sorts of obstacles and disasters both big and small… and yet the sociopath is unwilling to do anything but kick you when you're already down. You mean nothing to he or she and their cruelest behavior is highlighted when you always need them most. They will throw kinks in whatever you're trying to do to better a situation. They will switch loyalties like the wind. You're likely expecting them to behave or react as one should… with concise clear steps to help however they can, to jump in with hustle and to show empathy. 


It won't happen.
They will do everything in their power to make it worse.
They will twist and spin and say it's your fault it didn't turn out how it should have.
They will deflect and blame you instead.
They will not take responsibility.
They will not apologize.
They will continue to be the sorry negligent abusive piece of scum they excel at being.
Yes, it comes natural.
It's all they know.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

Child Custody/Possession Schedule & The Narc Ex: 4 Tips

May 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

It was eight o'clock in the evening and I had been awake since three thirty that morning due to the storms that had rolled in again. Our weather was always unpredictable this time of year… tornado season was alive and well during our spring months that left us with very few true spring days but more like wanting to spring outta this place due to the erratic winds, flooding, torrential downpours and hail. The typical four seasons had slowly over time been whittled down to like two… scathing hot summer and dreary winter… with spring and fall becoming more like rainy hiatuses. I wanted to leave Texas far behind in my rear view mirror… real estate was cheap that was a plus for the state, but the scenery was far from rolling hills, mountains or sandy gulf shores… eventually I wanted settle someplace that was scenic but that wasn't going to be possible for quite some time.

That night as I spoke with my daughter on FaceTime she shared something "Daddy says when I come to your house Friday, you know, tomorrow night? He said I only get to stay for the weekend and then I come back to his house to start the summer schedule of two weeks on, two weeks off."

"Oh, really?" I asked "Well, Daddy needs to put that on the Wizard to let me know. Not tell you." I informed her.

She shrugged. "He said for me to tell you. He said he wasn't putting it on the Wizard."

"Well, that is putting you in the middle which shouldn't be done." I pointed out.  You're not the messenger. I will message Daddy about this myself. And by the way… you do start the summer schedule here. Don't worry about it, I will handle it myself." I told her, not wanting her to be stressed out which I could discern was exactly what was happening by her distraught expression via the FaceTime video call.

I thought it to be incredibly thoughtless of him to inform her that she would be at one home when in reality she would be at another… all it did was leave her feeling unsettled and not knowing what was going to happen… there was zero excuse to upset her and cause undue anxiety.

Taking matters into my own hands, I proactively messaged him on the wizard informing him that per the court order since our daughter would already be at my home as regularly scheduled she would then stay for two weeks due to the summer schedule. Soon I was being met with opposition; he claiming that no, the decree stated he was to go first for the summer schedule… so in light of that I must turn her over to him after the weekend. I reviewed the entire order from beginning to end three times to ensure I was not missing a single detail. Scrutinizing it I finally surmised he was pulling one of his usual go-to tricks; tell me with complete confidence that such and such was in the decree and figure I won't argue due to fear. What fear you ask? Any fear… worry that he might be correct and consequently I would be in the wrong if he was and then I could potentially face the police being called on me for not following the order… you name it, he like all self-entitled manipulative individuals of disorder was banking on the fact that if he stated i.e.; demanded x,y,z was true then surely I would accept it and let him have his way.

Not so fast. It wasn't happening.


I sent a message stating that if it was indeed true as he claimed that he was to have summer possession first, then to please email me a photo of the section on the decree that reflected such. After several requests for such evidence despite his arguments, he wasn't able to produce such proof. Because he didn't have it.  I let him know in no uncertain terms then that I would be the first to have summer possession and if he interfered with it I would have to take legal action. Soon came hissy fits via message and I ignored.

A narcissistic sociopath 

is like a rabid dog 

that must be kept within 

the necessary boundaries. 

It's one of the narcissistic sociopaths favorite tactics to get what they want… declare something as truth with such confidence and combined with their past ability to make you doubt yourself; your knowledge and gut instincts so you wouldn't dare question him/her. 

Because to tell them: "this is the correct way" based on facts is asking for wrath and revenge from them.

Soon came the reasoning for his push to have the first summer possession…

"Mommy… I think Daddy wanted me at his house first because his girlfriend from London is here in town… he's angry because he wanted me to spend time with her. So he's taking it out on you."

"Oh, really?" I affirmed, "Well, they are just dating." I replied dismissively.

"I know… " She sighed "But I think it is moving too fast."

I turned to look at her, surprised by her acute observation. "You do? Well, this all affects you… maybe you need to share how you feel about it with him."

The narcissistic sociopath uses any and all tactics they can pull from their back pocket of tricks to fool, manipulate or coerce you into doing whatever it is they need. It is always to their advantage. It is always to benefit themselves. The best thing to do is to disengage and not fall for their deceitful ploys. 

4 Tips To Help:

1. Keep it simple. Facts only. Read all messages before you press send. If need be come back to it later and read it again. Don't get into long rambling explanations or let emotion creep in. 

2. Keep a copy of the decree and possession schedule handy to refer to when needed. Keep a copy in your vehicle in the event your decree is needed at an exchange and you must show it to a police officer.

3. If you must communicate do it in writing; use an online communication tool such as Our Family Wizard ($100 per year) or Talking Parents (free).

4. Don't doubt yourself. You've been programmed by the personality disordered individual to doubt your own knowledge and gut instincts; you will re-gain more and more confidence as time goes on. Your antennae will go up when a red flag exists; trust it and don't cave into his/her manipulation.

RELATED POSTS: 

30 SIGNS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION/ABUSE

DIVORCE & KIDS: DRAFTING THE FINAL DECREE - 10 TIPS

DIVORCE/CHILD CUSTODY TRIAL- 10 TIPS FOR MOMS

Thank you for reading,

 commenting and sharing! 

The Narcissistic Sociopath: 15 Ways They Punish

May 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

******************

It was Friday evening… my daughter was back and I was looking forward to us spending time together. Her brightly hued tennis shoes sat by the front door where she had taken them off and hung her jean jacket. Dressed in dark leggings and a t-shirt with her school logo on it her beach blonde waves bounced around her face as she happily jumped up and down…

"I'm so glad to be back!" She exclaimed and I leaned down to hug her and caught a whiff of strawberry scented shampoo.

"I'm glad you're here! I have missed you. We have lots to catch up on." I smiled, my brown-green eyes sparkling at her.

I asked her if pancakes sounded good for dinner and she nodded enthusiastically. As we headed in the kitchen to retrieve syrup from the fridge along with eggs and milk to add to the Bisquick I spoke…

"So, hey… "I said as I grabbed a stainless steel mixing bowl off an open upper shelf "I wanted to ask you… I sent you a text every night this week at bedtime telling you goodnight. Did you get them?" I asked her.

She furrowed her brows and took a seat on the turquoise metal folding chair at the kitchen table nearby, watching me slowly pour Bisquick into a glass measuring cup.

"Nuh, uh… "She shook her head, meaning no. She tucked her hair behind her ears and then snapped the hair rubber band off her wrist to pull her hair into a ponytail instead. "I didn't get them. Daddy must be blocking your texts on my phone." She informed me. Thunder began rumbling in the distance to the west… severe thunderstorms were headed in our direction, warnings of more rain, heavy winds and possible flooding were possible as the weather channel gave us continual updates.

"Hmmm…" I replied as I cracked an egg and added it to the mixing bowl. "Have you talked to him about this? Because this isn't the first time this has happened. This is an ongoing thing." I told her.

"I have…" She sighed "But he always tells me stuff like well, your mother's phone must not be working… or it must be an internet problem… or something like that. He just lies." She shrugged.

"How does that make you feel? When he does that?" I asked her.

"Mad… " She replied in a dejected tone that pretty much implied she was beyond over him not being the parent he needed to be. Her tone conveyed it all. I could hardly blame her.

"You could just tell him that you know he's blocking the texts and call him on his behavior." I pointed out…  "You could tell him that you know what he's doing and you don't agree with him blocking your texts. I don't block his communication. He can call you anytime he wants on my phone… which he does."

"Because he'll get mad." She told me. Lightning flashed outside and the sky thundered.

"So? So what? He gets mad. " I shrugged.  "You're not responsible for how he feels." I pointed out. "You have a right to receive communication from the other parent… whoever you're with. He's the adult. You're the child and you shouldn't have to worry about whether he's mad or upset or whatever. You should be able to respectfully tell him that you know what he's doing, that he is overstepping one of your rights, one of your needs and you don't have to put up with it, period. You are a person not a piece of property." I told her, fed up with his manipulative childish shenanigans.

"I know!" She agreed "But he will get mad at me and yell at me!" She wailed.

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" I asked her, "If you stood up to him?"

"He could take my phone away and then I won't have any way to call you! Which he would do!" She exclaimed.

I exhaled and slowly poured some batter onto the hot skillet where it sizzled and began to set up… I set the bowl down and went to sit beside her in my knee length black leggings and oversized faded t-shirt. I slipped a bobby pin out of my hair re-adjusting it to hold the messy bun in place on my head... "You know what? It's important that you know how to set boundaries with people… regardless of whether they are family or not. Because there will be people in life who try to overstep what you want, what you need and just do what they want… learning to speak up for yourself is an important life skill sweet pea…" I explained to her gently… "It's not easy, but sometimes we have to do it. All of us, even grownups." We sat together and then I spoke "He is your dad. You must be respectful. Always. But you do have a right to speak up for what you need. The thing is… I get it that you don't want to do it. I understand that is where you're at right now… and in a way… that is totally okay. You're where you are and what you're comfortable with at this time. But it's so important to at least start thinking about what you could say… what you would say… just think about it, okay?" I asked her and gave her a hug.

*******************

Country singer Miranda Lambert sang the words...

"Can’t get revenge 

and keep a 

spotless reputation…"

That line may hold true for most folks but it seems for a narcissistic sociopath it is completely possible for them to do everything in their power to make you pay for breaking it off and yet he (or she) can appear completely innocent to the untrained eye of others.

The narcissistic sociopath is many things… he (or she) is someone who seeks image and materialism over giving and charity, ego over others, bragging over humbleness and more. But what the narcissistic sociopath truly loves, what he (or she) truly lives for is….

PUNISHING 

Ah, yes… the punisher.

When we break up with or divorce a narcissistic sociopath we erroneously believe that we are bringing the toxicity that we have endured for whatever length of time to an end. And in many ways we are… it's such a blessing as anyone knows who has lived with a crazy-maker to finally pull away from the driveway for one last time and sigh "That's behind me, thank God…. on to the new chapter." It's truth for anyone who has signed the divorce papers and said a prayer of thankfulness for having gotten out alive… it's sweet reality for the one who thankfully never has to bar the door again from the psycho they married because they are scared for their life… or not having to recoil from hurtful words anymore… or even worse nurse bruises or wounds from physical abuse… yes, when the ending finally arrives and the new chapter starts it is so incredibly freeing… but in some ways… especially where children are involved… the hell has just begun when we say "Goodbye".

Because the children become PAWNS. The children become the INSTRUMENT used to punish you. and yes… it works… it does punish you. Because one, it hurts you to see your children suffer. Because two, it frustrates you to no end to have to "deal" with the continuing crazy that the narc wields. But at the end of the day… it's your children that truly suffer… they are the ones who are truly punished.

How does he (or she) use the children as pawns? In what ways does the narcissistic sociopath punish?

Let's count the ways… there are so many… here are a few.


1. They block communication via phone, FaceTime, Skype, etc. They block texts, calls, etc.
2. They don't send back the children's medication, clothes, toys etc on exchange day.
3. They don't send you a health insurance card for the children.
4. They don't let you know about school plays, swim lessons, soccer games, doctor appts, etc.
5. They don't pay child support or it's always late.
6. They interrupt your phone calls or just hang up in the middle of your conversation.
7. They don't include your name in the school phone directory.
8. They don't include your information on the emergency card at the school.
9. They become involved way too soon with someone new and demand your child calls him or her mom/dad.
10. They grill your child about where you work, who you're dating, etc.
11. They keep trying to change the child custody schedule as they see fit and demand you agree or you won't see your children.
12. They keep threatening to seek full custody of the children.
13. They reply "Take me to court if you don't like it" when you voice reasonable dislike over their negative behavior.
14. They continue to bad mouth you to the children because you won't allow them to have the phone they (the narc) purchased for them in your home… because in reality you know it's likely bugged.
15. They take away anything you send with your child on exchange day and it mysteriously "disappears"… whether it's just personal hygiene items like deodorant or precious stuffed animals, gifts etc.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS:

30 SIgns Of Parental Alienation/Abuse

You Are Not Your Parents Choices: 5 Tips For All Parents

The Non-Compassionate Parent & Their Agenda Of Evil

The Narcissistic Sociopath & Enabling

“Nest Egg” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Which came first... the chicken or the egg?

Which came first?

The narcissist or the enabler?

It's a toss up.

Narcissists don't do friendship. They don't have friends. It's not that they are too busy, distracted, or just get caught up in life suddenly realizing six weeks have gone by and all they've done is work and watch Netflix and gee, maybe they need to pick up the phone, text and say hello. No, no, no, it's not that they are shy or maybe just plain old tired and need a reprieve from the world. The fact is, a narcissist doesn't see a need for friends. There is no internal yearning for interpersonal relationships, to connect, to commiserate and laugh over coffee etc. Instead, narcissists have acolytes, which are followers, or more aptly named... enablers that are wholly devoted to them, always ready to assist them with anything they need.


Back to the chicken and the egg… 

Is the narcissist's toxicity made possible due to the enablers ready and willingness to help them cause destruction everywhere they go? More than likely that answer is a resounding yes! Can a cult survive without it's followers? Where you find a narcissist you will find an enabler, they go together like peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich… yes, one may be fine on it's own… but together they can make up quite the combination… so why not stick together?

April 2015

names have been omitted in this post

****************

Wrapped in the cocoon of a white down comforter and sheets… it was around nine o'clock and I was wiped… bleary eyes, a sore throat and congested sinuses had contributed to an especially long and exhausting week of work… I had pressed forward at work despite going to bed as soon as I thankfully reached home each day… fighting a cold with saline, kleenex, Ibuprofen and Mucinex… I was relieved to be going to sleep. As I drowsily checked Facebook one last time before early bedtime I noticed a new message in my inbox. Clicking on the icon I opened it to reveal a message that made me sit up and take notice. Suddenly I was wide awake. My cold symptoms were momentarily forgotten as I skimmed the message with quick eyes and a gasp. No, no, no, I thought to myself as I read more. Stunned, my heart pounding and dread in my stomach, my bare feet hit the cool floor and I pattered down the hall to where my mom was in bed reading.

She looked up and saw my face ashen and distressed.

"What is it?" She asked me tersely, instinctively knowing something was wrong.

I told her I'd received a message from another parent about an incident at my son's school that day. The incident involved him. Apparently he was the perpetrator.

"He threatened a girl at school today. He threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot her." I told her, shocked such words were coming from my mouth… "She had been irritating him in class earlier."

Her book dropped in her lap and she sat aghast at what I'd uttered. "Oh My God…" She spoke "Get on Our Family Wizard and find out what he's doing about this." She advised referring to my ex. "Start demanding some answers. Funny how he hasn't informed you about it. You have to hear of this type of thing from a third party? Document all this." She added.

"I am…" I nodded "And I'll be going up to the school myself to speak with the administrators. This is completely unacceptable behavior. They need to know what their dealing with, that he needs to be watched like a hawk when he's in their care. He's out of control. Too bad I'm the only parent who sees it." I retorted.

I sent three messages. All three demanding answers. It showed my ex viewed them but I never received a reply. I didn't really expect to get a response as my ex never disclosed any information about our son to me. His desire was to sweep everything under the rug and act like it didn't happen. By his actions he showed this time and time again. There was no co-parenting with him. That was a joke.


I could see how the road was being paved in my own son's bad behavior being enabled. I had stood up against his bad behavior, his poor treatment and demanded rules be followed, that certain basics must be met… teeth brushing, showering, no hitting, no talking back, being respectful and following directions like doing your homework. But he had repeatedly stood in defiance and told me he would not be doing x,y,z and what was more I would not be telling him what to do. Since I'm not a bouncer and wasn't willing to get physically beat to a pulp anymore I turned him over to his dad. Really, there should be a third option but if there is one I'm not aware of it… other than possibly shipping him off to an all boys school that is Christian based with lots of physical labor for consequences to ill behavior… if such a place exists (which if it doesn't it should) I would have been willing to do but it likely comes with a hefty price tag I cannot afford. Hence, him going to his fathers; straight into the arms of the one person who was more than ready and willing to enable him is where he now lives full time.

I see enabling running rampant in my son's young impressionable pre-teen life over at his fathers… and it breaks my heart. Every other week I hear snips of horror stories from my daughter… how at his grandmother's birthday dinner at Outback he suddenly announces he wants a beer. And then his father nods and says "You can try it sometime at home." When the correct, responsible answer would have been to inform him that he's only twelve and that having beer is inappropriate and ILLEGAL until he's twenty one… that with drinking alcohol comes great responsibility and is not something to take lightly. Ethan Couch comes to my mind as my daughter rattles on how it's ridiculous when he has an aunt who was killed by a drunk driver that Daddy would take drinking so lightly… but then she admits he texts in the car while driving so that's kinda the same thing so obviously he doesn't care about them anyway.

There is the enabling of when he has a fit and he purposefully breaks his glasses, his iPhone, toys, etc. In his father's mind there is no such thing as consequence. If our son broke his glasses in the midst of rage on my watch, I'd tape them up, hand them to him and let him suffer the consequences until he needed a new prescription. But not the narcissistic father, for him everything is perfectly seamless, you just clean up the mess and buy all new to replace the broken. Making everything appear pretty is more important than addressing the root of the issue. He merely buys him brand new glasses and soothingly says "Now, don't do that again" like some inept spineless supporter.

Per our daughter the enabling continues as my ex questions our son about what set him off in social studies class to later become so enraged that he would threaten to shoot a girl at lunch. The questioning is cut short by our son saying "Let's not bring it up right now" and shutting down the conversation… pushing the issue isn't done, sitting down and saying "No, we ARE discussing this. Right now, because your actions need to be addressed" isn't done because then there might be fits of rage, objects thrown and limbs being kicked and hit… property destroyed and injuries incurred… so backing down and letting him, the child, remain in the drivers seat is what happens instead… much to his own detriment and others now and later in life.

Enabling.

It's as sick and demented as the narcissist him or herself.

It supports bad behavior. 
It encourages chaos.

It backs evil and gives it elicit permission to drive the devil's schemes into action.

As parents we hold huge responsibility to teach our children what behavior is tolerated and what is not in order to lead healthy, responsible and successful lives one day. Our world is quickly subscribing to a "we will tolerate anything thrown our way" type mentality… when children are being told it's okay to "have just one sip" of something, when fits of abuse are re-worded and re-framed to be mere "some issues or anger problems", when deadly threats aren't taken seriously and intervention doesn't take place… because "he just has some problems" or "he has a broken home" or "he has affluenza"…. children need to be not enabled down a path of evil… but on a path toward our Lord… where if you make a bad decision because you CHOSE not to obey HIM guess what? You get the consequences of those poor choices served up to you. You don't have a God who just reaches down and makes it all better, who picks you up, dusts you off and says "Oh, you chose bad again. Let me clean that up for you. I don't want you to be uncomfortable for a second."

No, children need parents who are like God. 

They love them… but if you choose evil over good, if you don't obey, you will suffer the consequences of those negative choices… no enabling allowed.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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30 Signs Of Parental Alienation/Abuse 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

12.7 million people are 
physically abused, 
raped or stalked 
by their partners
 in one year. 

That's approximately
 the population of 
New York & Los Angeles
 combined. 

That's 24 people 
every minute. 

facts via http://nomore.org

Thursday, July 29th, 1993

names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains some language

*****************

“Plate With Ripe Cherries” by Apolonia 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Ooh, child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh, child
Things'll be brighter
Ooh, child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh, child
Things'll be brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll put it together
And we'll get it undone
Some day when your head
Is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the
Rays of a beautiful sun
Some day when the world
Is much brighter
La la la la la…..


lyrics Ooh Child by Dino 


It was a typical night at home for my family growing up… it was summer, school was out and everyone was scattered, trying to stay out from under the radar and keep quiet. My mother was in my parents bedroom where she often stayed in the latter part of the evenings watching Seinfeld or reading her subscriptions of Southern Living magazine. She, likely from the stress of an unhealthy marriage and at the time undiagnosed celiac disease suffered from several autoimmune diseases… and would often retreat to bed. My two younger sisters were in the den curled up on the dark navy couch just outside my bedroom watching something on t.v., probably a favorite movie of my youngest sister's like All Dogs Go To Heaven. I was holed up in my blue and white Laura Ashley bedroom listening to a 90's mix of music as low as I could and still hear the lyrics with my door shut but not completely… just pushed enough to look like at first glance it was closed but in reality there was just enough of a crack to still hear what was happening in the rest of the house. Throughout my childhood I had always felt the need to be within earshot of what was happening in the rest of the house. My father was in the storage room where he'd set up a work table and spent most nights repairing frames for customers… hand mixing clay to replicate the engraved frames clients brought in that had become damaged due to time and neglect. Then he would begin the tedious process once they dried to match the finish to what already existed, spraying or hand painting it on, finishing with a clear coat of gloss.

But soon my sisters movie ended, the credits rolled and I heard them stirring to get up and get ready for bed. The den was cloaked in paneling that had never been painted white much to my mother's chagrin… it screamed of the original brown wood, of masculinity and was lined with shelves overhead of my entire collection of Nancy Drew books. Most families dens would contain a wall or two of cherished family photos… but not ours. Photos were absent in our house. The paneled walls in the den were covered in antique war posters our father collected. It was fitting… there was an unspoken war in our home. Along one wall caddy corner to the couch was a long slick maple table decorated with my mother's collection of scottie dog figurines… big and small black dogs adorned with sweet plaid ribbons round their necks stood at attention on the table along with a ceramic decorative bowl of plastic shiny cherries… a piece my mother had purchased from a Mary Englebriet collection at a Hallmark store.

It was when I heard some laughing between my two younger siblings and then a crash that I paused my music to listen. It sounded like pebbles that had been released all over the floor… what was that? I wondered and it was then that I heard the angry male footsteps coming. Oh no… I got up from my blue floral bedspread and walked to my door. Opening it halfway, I looked out. There was my younger, middle sister, eleven, with a pale expression on her face kneeling down hurriedly picking up the scattered cherries one by one. In one hand she had the bowl still miraculously intact… and was meekly placing the cherries back into it. She looked up as he came romping in mad as heck and he roared at her…  What the hell had she done? What had she broken? What was all the noise about? Rapid questions were fired and without any chance of sputtering out a coherent answer, she fled to her bedroom she shared with our youngest sister. He followed her through the living room with it's exquisite art and fine antiques, his heavy tread resounding on the wood flooring… and then down the hallway past the little antique wood stand the phone rested on… into the bedroom after her.

An expletive ran through my mind as I had knelt down to finish picking up the wayward cherries on the floor and it was when I heard my sisters panicked screams from her pink floral bedroom I raced through the house after him…

I nearly collided with my mother in the hallway who flew out of my parents bedroom, the door slamming open, her with a bewildered expression on her face… dressed in a pale blue and white pajama set and her hair in a chin length blonde bob she spoke "What the hell is going on?!" She demanded.

From down the hall I can hear my younger sister screaming:

 "It was an accident! I didn't mean to do it!"

"She accidentally knocked over your bowl of cherries in the den. Nothing is broken. He's out of his mind." I told her over my shoulder and continued down the hall toward the lit room. Upon standing in the doorway of the bedroom… on the far side of the room sat my sister, trapped in the corner on her bed trying to fend off him beating her, leaving bright red whelps on her arm and screaming like an unhinged psycho. She kept screaming "Stop it! Stop it! I didn't mean to knock it over!" Tears ran down her red-tinged face as she tried to protect herself with one arm raised… she continued to try to scramble further away from him into the corner but there was nowhere to go… she was essentially trapped.

My youngest sister was in her bed, her blonde brown hair and face peeking out from her pretty bedding with tears escaping telling him to stop but her plaintive cries like that of a baby lamb were barely heard over the chaotic fray.

My mother past me as I entered and strode up to him, screaming for him to stop hitting my sister. He turned to face my mother, his face angry and dark, boiling with fury that he was being called out on his behavior, on what he deemed appropriate discipline… in his mind she was overstepping her boundaries.

"You stop it right now!" She exclaimed.

He shoved her, causing her to stumble back slightly but she caught her balance. She didn't back down.  I stood absolutely shocked as she pushed him right back and yelled "Don't push me! Get out of here! Right now! GET OUT!" She screamed.

He stood there, every muscle on his face flinching like he was trying to determine how far he should go, how much he could push her. I knew if he pushed her again she'd land on the floor next time. I made the choice for him right then.

I had slowly backed down the hallway and rested my hand on the phone.

I now picked up the cordless phone and stepped in the doorway.

"You get out!"I snapped "Right now!" I told him "Or I swear I'll call the cops and have them come pick your ass up." I threatened him, trying to steady my voice… I never cursed… I would have gotten my butt whipped if I ever did, but I did that moment to let him know how serious I was. My entire body was trembling like a leaf… At sixteen it was the first time I'd gone up against my dad and set a boundary yet I knew he could snatch the phone from me in a nano-second if he wanted.

He stood there, glaring daggers at me. I glared right back. He looked around at all of us one by one… he knew he was outnumbered, he knew he was done. It was clear. His rage and abuse for one night was over. With a huff and flared nostrils he turned on angry feet and stormed out of the room, down the hall and from his dresser top I heard him snatch up his car keys. Seconds later I heard the front door slam shut and then tires squealing down the driveway into the summer night. He had left without a word. At least for the night. He'd be back. Now all we could hear were my sister's both sniffling…my mother fetched ice for my sister's arm and tissues for her tears and I was left shaking…  my mother's rant was heard throughout the house about him as she grabbed supplies… I was half hoping he wouldn't come back… and yet if he had to return, I hoped only as a better person.

*****************

There is no excuse for abuse… 

domestic or any kind. 

You can take the pledge here 

as I did and say No More. 

Some may ask: 

"Why don't you leave?"

"Why don't you get out?"

There are many reasons why people in domestic violent relationships don't get out or feel they can. Let's say hypothetically your abuser has a "connection"… you'd likely feel stripped of choices, you'd feel trapped… maybe your father tells your mother anytime someone pisses him off: "All it would take is one phone call to have their kneecaps busted or their head blown off"… you would probably think twice about getting out, right? You'd probably acquiesce, back down. You probably wouldn't risk leaving until his "connection" died. 

But even if your abuser doesn't have a "connection"... An abuser is a constant threat of his own accord, as he (or she) uses threats as consistent bullying tactics of intimidation and control... keeping their target fearful and under their reign. If you're getting beat to a pulp it only stands to reason that you'd fear worse retribution if you left.

As many of us know protective orders are a worthless piece of paper. People don't stay in a domestic violent relationship because they want to. They stay because they are terrified of the alternative… of not being alive to enjoy the rest of their life… not being alive for their kids and risking their children ending up with some psycho or in foster care… because child protective services are not always adept and may make situations worse instead of better. And the one wanting out? They aren't big enough, strong enough to squash the toxic little roach their with… so they remain stuck… waffling between wanting the one their with to die or even themselves because their so miserable…  like a light that slowly fades out over time and with that light so does perhaps their hope of ever getting out. It's no hell anyone should have to live in. It's a prison. And if you're blessed enough to get out once you don't ever want to risk getting in it again.


Let's join together in saying no more to domestic violence… to domestic abuse of any kind.

Whether you're the abuser or the abused it's time to get help.

Because no one should have to live in despair.

God wants so much more for you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS: 

The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Little Secrets Behind Closed Doors

Father's: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep

Your Father May Kick You Out But God Won't

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

“Help Sign” by nongpimmy via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

March 20th, 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

It was a late Friday afternoon… I'd just picked up my daughter from school and as we made our way through sheets of March rain, the windshield wipers swiped back and forth, the sound of water rushing on either side of the SUV's tires. Water was quickly beginning to flood the streets and yet I pressed forward with caution trying to avoid the worst spots that were pooling in the right lane we were in.


From the backseat my daughter was in the midst of telling me about her week spent at her dad's house with her brother. As she spoke I felt dread rising up in me. These conversations were of situations I never thought for a second my children would be experiencing one day when I decided to have a family.


"… Mommy, this woman that Daddy picked up from the airport, she stayed at our house. She's from London, so she had an accent. And she slept in Daddy's bed!"


"Uh, huh…" I murmured, sick of hearing how once again he was setting a simply stellar example for our two children. I sighed, sitting at the red light waiting for it to change so we could continue.


The radio played softly…

… Yeah I want to feel the sunshine
Shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and took two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I want to love somebody, love somebody like you

Oh here we go now, ooo, yeah,
Hey I want to love ya baby,
Oh oh, oh oh ...

Read more: Keith Urban - Somebody Like You Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I WANT TO STAND IN THE SUN, 

I thought to myself… 

"But you won't believe this!" She continued, "He tells me she has a three year old daughter. So I was like "Well, then where is her daughter if she's here? I mean, who is watching her kid?" And he tells me "I guess her husband." "

"SHE'S MARRIED???!!!"

I nearly shriek, 

my hands griping the wheel. 

Green light

 I hit the gas and I glance 

in the rearview mirror. 

She nods at me with affirmation.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BUT HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! I thought to myself… This is NOT moral behavior! This is NOT acceptable! His behavior is out of control! THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!!!! It was like the whole world had gone mad, like I had hopped down the rabbit hole and I was Alice wondering what everyone else had had to drink. 

Pulling over to the bank parking lot I slip into a spot and sit.
I was suddenly too tired to go in and make my deposit.

The wipers go back and forth, rain continuing to come down hard. Dressed in gray skinny jeans, boots, jean jacket, and a now wrinkled white shirt that I'd turned back the sleeves on, I rest my forearms on the taupe leather steering wheel, leaning in and put my head down and weep. I cannot believe this is my children's childhood. All this mess. All this nonsense. Would it ever stop? He had zero control… no, strike that… he CHOSE to have zero control over his physical urges. Tears slipped out and silence engulfed us as I wept. It was bad enough he had cheated, it was bad enough he'd continued to parade his sex life around our children during and post divorce with women who were single… but now this? A married woman? It seemed there was nothing off limits. It was bad enough that he chose this path on his own time, at his own discretion, but in front of our children? That was what upset me. It was sickening for any parent, man or woman to have to witness the effects of these actions on their child time and time again… thinking that this is moral behavior for an adult in their life. 

Hurt for my children struck my heart and as Keith Urban sung his country melody, his voiced wafting through the vehicle, I just wanted someone to hold me. Two strong arms to melt into and someone to say "I'm here." I wanted a person to not attempt to fix something they couldn't, but just say:

"This sucks. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Maybe that's what I needed to tell my daughter. So I began telling her what I myself needed to hear. That yes, baby, this sucks but we are trying to get through it the best we can and you know what? I am here, I'm not going anywhere. And that God was too. I thought to myself, This is all so out of control… I don't even KNOW what to pray for anymore! God, I just pray for whatever you see fit! Just whatever this needs please intervene! 

Sometimes our prayers in the pit of despair are comparable to throwing up our arms and simply asking for whatever intervention is needed. God always knows what is needed, what can be seen through the fogginess of a circumstance because He is all knowing... nothing is too big for Him to handle, for He can create change, He can turn tables, He can calm troubled waters in an instant, He can do anything at all... we just need faith no matter how small. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

When your burdens seem big as mountains and you find yourself wondering what on earth to pray for, take heart in knowing you are not alone… the truth is God already knows when we need comfort and interceding. Romans 8:26-27 promises us that we will helped when we are filled with weakness and despair, when we don't even know where to begin in our prayers. All we need to do when we are at a loss of words is ask that God hear our groans, our unspoken cries. 

Romans 8:26

New International Version (NIV)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

5 Tips In Talking To Your Child

About Their Parent's Poor Behavior: 

1. Be honest with them. If a child asks about a parents behavior, whatever it may be, don't lie. It sets a terrible example and only serves to set enabler-type behavior by covering for the other parent. Explain simply the amount of information that is age appropriate and that is acceptable to share. 

2. Acknowledge the fact that the behavior is negatively affecting everyone and that the child has every right to be angry, sad, disappointed about it. Remind your child that they always have you to talk to about it when needed and they are NOT alone. 

3. Encourage your child that they can pray for the person but that it's also important that they practice self care; they can journal when/if they are struggling. 

4. Remind your child that yes, all families have problems, that there is no perfect family. However, also stress the severity of how the parent's behavior does impact all family members. 

5. Affirm to the child that the parent's behavior is NOT their fault. They didn't cause it nor is it their job to take on the responsibility of the parent getting their act together. 

Parents: Flawed Human or Villain? Acceptance & Healing

 this post contains language 

***************

I was scrolling on Facebook and noticed a post by Humans of New York … otherwise known for short as HONY, maybe you're familiar with the page. There, posted on Sunday the 18th was a photograph of a young woman wearing a purple hooded jacket, black jeans and boots with curly hair… she was quoted saying:

"I realize now that my parents are just regular people with flaws,

 and my dad is not a villain. He's just an asshole."

I believe she was trying to explain that initially she viewed her father as being a villain, a calculated individual who knowingly, purposefully hurt others and as the years passed she has realized, learned the difference between someone being merely flawed, perhaps the occasional jerky behavior and then the one who is of a sociopathic nature. There is a difference and she has learned she merely has one from the lower level, a flawed father or occasional jerk if you will. No matter what she believes she has dealt with, no matter what she believes he is… she has endured some type of hurt, some type of infliction by him. We can't know exactly what she's experienced, as we have no information to go on in terms of details. I don't believe for a second she's a spoiled or entitled young adult who is haphazardly throwing verbal barbs. She's had a less than swell experience with him growing up and has put great thought into her changed perspective of him as it's grown and changed as she has. There were many supportive people on there who commented that they too had had less than wonderful fathers, some even more aptly referring to their fathers as downright abusive. People acknowledged her hurt, her wounds, they shared words of love and affirmation and even hope and healing. It was beautiful to see so many folks of all ages pouring out their hearts with compassion for her. As well there were commenters who bashed her. Some argued she was perhaps the "a**h***", that perhaps she shouldn't have used the word "a**h***" in describing her own father. Granted, God obviously doesn't want us using foul words that don't bring life and some commenters further stated that she shouldn't have used the word she used to describe her father on such a public platform. Could she have found a less potentially volatile adjective? Could she have chosen better wording in describing him? Yes. We've likely all used less than golden words to describe others, myself included. But no matter what they believed, at the end of the day the young woman needed compassion shown to her. 

And as they continued

 to ask him, he stood up 

and said to them, 

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

John 8:7 ESV

Maybe you can relate to her experience. 

Perhaps you can relate to her, and maybe you've tried to cope, to deal… maybe for a long, long time, maybe decades. More than likely you have tried above and beyond if you're the child of someone on the extreme who is abusive, man or woman. When we have a parent, whether father or mother who is toxic we go through our entire childhood wishing, hoping they will change. We seek affection, adoration and love from them. We silently shuffle and step around that stinking pile of poo that we know goes with them and hope by appeasing, by pleasing them they will love us unconditionally, they will take the time needed to listen, to connect and show affection, that they will show us love in a healthy, nurturing manner. Instead, we may face a wide spectrum of actions that range from in-your-face screaming, cursing and put downs, to neglect, to more insidious emotional abuse like triangulation amongst us, our siblings and our other parent, gas-lighting, projecting, etc. We may call them on their behavior and yet they may deflect. As children we may spend an entire childhood and even young adulthood hoping in a false hope that our parent will not hurt us again, that they will lay down their toxic behaviors once and for all. Unfortunately, that may not happen. It can take years for children, yes, even grown children to come to the stark realization that they are sending up prayers that may very well never come to fruition. It's an incredibly disappointing reality to come to terms with what we've endured. Because even once we admit to ourselves that a relationship with one of our parents isn't healthy for us, that it causes us great grief, despair, hurt, anxiety and personal violation in terms of boundaries… we still long for it not to. We long and yearn for it to not be that way. We may dabble in a "fake it till you make it" mentality… thinking if we just pretend like it's all rosy the relationship will grow and change from a decaying rotted one to vibrant, blooming and healthy.

People may say:

 "Well, so, they are flawed. They are human. You must accept them." 

Yes, we can accept they are flawed. Perhaps for some this takes longer than for others… perhaps we can remember that all humans are flawed and do UNintentionally hurt others at some point or another and YET there is a big difference between merely flawed and PURPOSEFULLY inflicting hurt that is swept away under the rug by the perpetrator, by the villain, minimized and even delusionally rejected as reality. Undoubtedly some parents are "flawed" in ways so bad, so extreme that it's detrimental for us to be exposed to them… yes, we accept it, we accept that fact and also perhaps that we don't have to accept it as a way to live. 

It's hard to heal from a relationship 

when you're still getting jabbed, isn't it?

When they continue to stick you

and then act like it's your fault it hurt. 

 Distance is sometimes the greatest salve to an open wound. 

As a daughter you may have never felt fulfilled by your relationship with your father. For girls and women, their relationship with their dad sets the tone for any future relationships with men. Becoming co-dependent and marrying narcissistic partners, avoiding commitment all-together or taking on the role as the "head of household"could all be ways to cope later in life. For boys and men… they may sadly never feel as though they match up in their father's eyes… they may always feel like they've let dad down and can't seem to please him no matter what they do. 



It's the great ability to accept the fact that you cannot make a person change, that you can accept they are who they are, whether flawed human or villain…. The ability to accept yourself is wonderful as well, to trust yourself again, to trust your instincts, to delight in the gifts you possess, to realize your beauty and strength, to learn that yes, you are worthy, you can choose distance, you deserve a life free of anxiety and tension, free of walking on eggshells, free of always second guessing yourself, that you are lovable and healing can be yours and that thank goodness without a doubt there is a love greater than anyone else's… Christ's.

Go to Him… he's there to heal you, he accepts you fully. 

14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, o“Let the children come to me; pdo not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 qTruly, I say to you, whoever does not rreceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And she took them in his arms and blessed them, tlaying his hands on them. 

Mark 10:14-16

11 fI am the good shepherd. The good shepherd glays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is ha hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and ileaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and jscatters them. 13 He flees because khe is a hired hand and lcares nothing for the sheep. 14 mI am the good shepherd. nI know my own and omy own know me, 15 pjust as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and qI lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:11-15

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:

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