Breaking Up With An Emotionally UnHealthy & Immature Man

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Patsy Cline - Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

“I Am Crazy About You On Mobile Means Love” 

by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

November 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

"I just don't think I should have to tell you how to be in a relationship… "I explained gingerly, choosing my words with care. "I mean, I just don't believe I should have to explain the very basics. I got lost leaving your house that one night and had no business driving after dark when I can't see well. I've told you that…." I reminded him.  "I flew to Savannah Georgia for a week long vacation and as someone who tells me he loves and cares about me it wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for you to offer to take me to the airport and pick me up." I told him calmly. "It wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for me to expect that of you. Words alone aren't enough. Actions matter. Yet you didn't offer and then when I return to find my car with a dead battery at the airport I text you and let you know I made it in but I'm waiting for a jump from the airport courtesy service… you tell me ok and that you're going to sleep. I didn't feel cared for. It's not insane for me to expect more than this. I deserve more than this." I added, thinking of all the hell I had been through with my ex and standing firm that I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with another unhealthy person. Stand strong, I told myself… you don't have to accept this.

Soon came the blaming… the twisting and finger pointing…"Well… you're so independent and I didn't want to take that from you. And you should have asked me to take you and pick you up. I wondered why you didn't." He told me.

Shock went through me. "Excuse me?" I responded "My independence?" I echoed "Yeah, I'm independent. Yeah, I can drive myself. I've done it before. But what a cop-out on your part. I shouldn't have to ask you." I replied. My thoughts swirled and I thought how incredibly lazy his actions were. His actions didn't reflect love and care. Not even friendship. Far from it. More like thoughtless and indifferent.

I asked him to come pick up the few things he'd left at my home… DVD'S from movie night, a sketch pad, etc. He did begrudgingly and as I stood on the front lawn with oversized Jackie O sunglasses on to hide my face he peered at me closely, scrutinizing and spoke… "You're pulling away from me. You're doing the same thing you did to your ex right before you left him. I can feel it. Please take your sunglasses off and let me look at you." He said and reached out to slip my sunglasses off my face.

I dodged his out-reached grasp by backing up and pursed my lips saying nothing. My silence said everything. But my mind was spinning. I bit my tongue and held back. I didn't feel safe to say much. A man's words to me once echoed in my head "Don't poke the bear…" and I clung to them… just ease him out of here, I thought to myself. I pasted a smile on my face, told him I'd be in touch sometime soon, that I had a lot on my plate for now, managed one last weak smile and gently told him goodbye with a hug. Then watched as he drove away.


Soon came the texts to follow… the gates opened and what resembled crazy came pouring out at me "You're right, please give me another chance…" and then back to more blaming... "I'm not a mind reader and a psychic..." Soon came in texts upon harassing texts… texts that ranged from crying "I care about you and love you and don't want to lose you…" to "I promise I won't text you again…" and then ironically, oh so painfully the phone pinged that another stream of despondent forlorn texts had arrived. Texts that if printed would fill a book… texts that became more and more desperate to get a response. Texts that left me with shaking hands and my beginning to feel like I was trapped and held hostage in some kind of texting hell. No, no, no. Make. It. Stop. I thought as I finally silenced my phone after days of non-stop harassment.

Soon came an unannounced visit to my home with roses and I had had enough. I finally broke my silence and texted him that his excessive texting and visit was making me begin to think I needed a restraining order. More texts streamed in that he didn't want me to feel that way and he was so sorry and that he just didn't want to lose me and he didn't understand how he had screwed up so bad.

*****************

A man's words mean nothing 

if his actions don't reflect love. 

A man's love means nothing 

if he twists and blames you for where he failed. 

A man's sanity is questioned if he doesn't know to step back and assess his behavior and give space to others but instead engages in a desperate plea that only serves to further push you away and question your very safety. 

10 SIGNS HE'S NOT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY OR MATURE:

1. He doesn't practice the basics of chivalry; opening doors, offering to pick you up, ensuring you make it home safely, carrying heavy things, walking on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street, etc.

2. Not being able to assess an issue in a relationship with calm focus and give space when needed; forcing interaction, attempting to wear you down through harassment, waffling between twisting the truth to blaming and then becoming emotionally unhinged; showing desperation, crying, appearing despondent.

3. Being emotionally dependent on you; expecting you to fulfill him emotionally 24/7… which is narcissistic, self-centered and draining for you.

4. Expecting you to give, give, give but giving very little to nothing in return in terms of care and support… you begin to feel used instead of loved.

5. He spends time trying to get you to think like him, like what he likes and do what he wants instead of seeing the relationship as a sharing of individual likes, interests, goals and dreams.

6. Reacting in an unhealthy manner because he doesn't get his way; you voice displeasure about something and instead of him reacting with: "I understand. I get what you're telling me. I'm sorry for doing (or not doing) x,y,z" simple and to the point… instead you find yourself on the receiving end of emotions that are all over the place.

7. He plays the victim and says that you're making him suffer.

8. He uses guilt as a tactic to make you feel sorry for setting healthy boundaries for yourself or expressing very basic expectations.

9. He begins to be seen as a child in your eyes instead of a man; shirking his responsibilities and/or showing extreme neediness toward you (which is often what you later realize is really control).

10. He wears you out… you find yourself becoming tired and worn down where you once had energy and strength. It's time to make a change and get back to living your life. And tell him goodbye.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

RELATED POSTS:


Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

10 Signs He Truly Loves You

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

names have been omitted in this post 

2011

********************

I sat curled on the couch under the cream blanket beside him, toasty warm, my long dark hair around my neck and shoulders like a winter scarf.... my body heat through many long layered tops meeting his own.... the large flat screen flashed ahead of us across the room and take out remnants from dinner were scattered across the brown Pottery Barn coffee table before us.... a late Saturday night dinner had consisted of piping hot soup, oversized loaded baked potatoes and muffins from Jason's Deli.... an indulgent carbohydrate dream for two. 

As the credits from the movie began rolling across the television screen and music swelled he stretched and rose from the cream leather couch. It wasn't long after putting away any leftovers and squaring things away for the night, checking on two children snoozing like contented kittens.... we made the climb together upstairs to the master bedroom. 

Intimacy was initiated and I was hesitant. 

The words "I bought you dinner" came at me with an irritated tone. 

Like this was business. 

Transactional. 

Soon came his verbal release of "I did this...  x,y,z for you..." etc. 

It was attitude.

It was flesh. 

It was "let's make a deal".

It was selfish. 

It was wrong. 

I said words in return I never ever thought I'd say 

and was shocked by them as they snapped from my lips:

"I might as well have stayed with my rapist!" 

He stood there. 

Shocked. 

Angry.

Rage in his eyes.

How dare I. 

"That's right!" I yelled from across the bed at him,

"You do things for me based on the expectation of what you will get! You want to make a deal! You think if you buy me dinner you get sex! I don't want a marriage like that! That expectation! That backward mentality! Marriage is supposed to be about doing nice things for each other because you love them! Selfless! You make me feel like a prostitute! You make me feel dirty! You're my husband! At least with (rapist; name withheld) I knew what to expect! I knew what was expected of me!! I knew the rules! But I married you for love!! To love you! And then you do things for me purely based on getting sex!!" I yelled, then out of complete frustration added.... 

"How do you think that makes me feel?!?!!!!"

 I yelled at him, getting it all out… 

revealing long buried feelings now 

stark naked in all their honest ugliness. 

He stood there watching me…
His face changing from contorted 

scarlet anger to now cool detachment
and amusement, even disdain.

"You are fooling yourself." 
He nearly spat at me…

 "No man does anything just to be nice. 
Women always cost men money whether we date them 
or we marry them. Nothing is ever free." 
He told me with meanness dripping from his tone. 

"No..." I shook my head "I can't believe that. I refuse to believe that!" 

I nearly shrieked at him with absolute certainty and tears pooling in my eyes.  

                  **********************

Intimacy and sex within a marriage...

rests 

on 

the 

husbands 

shoulders

alongside Christ. 

When he's a Godly man and puts Christ first and foremost in the marriage, when he loves selflessly without strings attached and unconditionally as Christ he will be a shining beacon, a safe place for his wife to be with, to walk with, to lay beside and ultimately to revealing her body to without hesitancy but instead with uninhibited trust and joy. 

If he's representing the world with all it's lust and sin and self serving philosophies of "what can I get" or "what can I give" veiled in the malicious agenda of "what can I get".... he is not selflessly loving his wife which later reflects in the marital bed and leads to her feeling used, cheap and tarnished. 

A wife shouldn't be placed in a position where she feels the need to equip herself with a gun and wear an armor vest for protection while telling her husband: 

“Woman And Gun” by Pong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

"I don't do deals" 

If a man treats his wife as a sex object, as a trophy wife, as a dangling shiny charm of triumph on his arm out of his need for narcissistic supply.... he will pay the price and it won't just be in a monetary fashion. 

She pays the price too. 

He will be paying the price with a wife who gives sex out of dutiful guilt to submit to him not out of free joyous love. It will be a wife who doesn't trust him, doesn't respect him nor feels loved by him because if she can't be loved while on his arm on the street, in the car or in the kitchen why would she believe she could be loved by him undressed before his eyes in the marital bedroom? Of course she can't. So she pulls away, giving less and less in all areas, hence sinning too. He will be met with a divided wall between them, a headache, a shooing him away and if ultimately pressed a reluctant going through the motions by her with arms crossed out of self protection of her wounded heart. 

Is that the picture of love? 

Men, your approach matters. 

Get with God first. 

Then your wife. 

Leave the world behind. 

Let your selfless love shine. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

              To My Readers: 

               Thank you for reading, 

             commenting and sharing!  

A Man: His Healthy Qualities

The Relationship = Over


Your relationship has ended and you have now moved into the mourning (or for some of you undoubtedly celebratory) period.


After some time has passed since the relationship dissolved more than likely you've had some time to reflect on what was healthy and what was not.


Yet determining what is UNHEALTHY and what you will not choose again is not being picky. That is okay. That is smart. It's making the decision to form boundaries and set healthy limits for any future relationships. We may at first say yes to little annoyances and endearing quirks but they may be small signs for big deal breakers that will later balloon and affect our daily life in a toxic manner.


Deciding what is healthy versus unhealthy is up to you and your personal preferences. This is not about saying "Oh, he leaves dirty clothes on the floor", or "The way he loads the dish washer really doesn't line up with my way... so he's not an prospective mate". This is not about picking someone apart and nit picking every little thing they do or don't do or that they do things differently than you. What this IS about is choosing a person with healthy qualities versus someone with unhealthy or even toxic qualities. Not everyone will have the same preferences because everyone is different. That's okay.

For me, high maintenance is a deal breaker. For me, it's highly unattractive and unhealthy for a man to come across as needy. It screams of insecurity. Yes, we all have needs. 

But when his needs continually demand (and DEMAND is the word I stress here because it's a form of extremeness) more of us than we can give we have a serious problem. It leads to the one whose demanding needs aren't being met becoming resentful. Always needing more. Never satisfied. It leads to the one who can't meet their unyielding needs to feel an enormous strain and pressure and continually depleted.

Ugh.

Deal breaker.

I want him to feel fulfilled. Through God. Without that constant demanding need from me. That constant tug. That constant pull. That constant pressure. Neediness also often masks itself as control. If they are exhibiting needy behavior they may very likely be controlling which is unhealthy. We have to determine if that's the case. We have to follow our instincts and look at the behaviors… actions of others.

I will not go back to that. 
It made me want to toss the phone out the window most days. 
Almost nothing will chase me off faster and it's on my radar continually.

I will not do anything that remotely resembles high maintenance, control, neediness, insecurity or likewise a man in an egocentric three year old girl's body calling and whining "What about ME?!" We can stand firm in what we choose for ourselves. For me, a confident and secure man in God is a must.


When we are mulling over the relationship and realize what was at best completely dysfunctional and toxic we can make a list of what we desire in a man and future relationship. We can list the things we are searching for, the HEALTHY qualities. Likewise, we can write down what the qualities were that wrecked havoc and dysfunction in the relationship and are our deal breakers.


This gives us something concrete. It helps us in our discernment to choose wiser the next time and choose a closer reflection of what we regard as healthy for ourselves.


Here is a list of qualities I came up with that are important to me but taking time to make your own may offer valuable insight into what you are truly looking for in a man.

1. Reads, studies and applies God's word to his life.

2. Makes God number one.

3. Lives a calm demeanor & has self control. Is respectful to others.

4. Puts family and love before materialism, image, and ego.

5. Is confident & secure. Not needy.

6. Is humble.

7. Mentally Healthy. Does not have any issues that involve control and abuse such as a personality/mood disorder, narcissism, etc. It's okay for you to say "I know this behavior is not healthy for me."

8. Empathy toward others.

9. Does things with love. Does not view his deeds done as debts that must be paid. There are no "deals" made.

10. Is passionate about love and life in general; enthusiastic.

Once you have your list of the positive qualities that are important to you, (the deal breakers may be pretty obvious by then) at that time you can begin to picture his overall character. This should help in keeping your focus tuned into what you truly want so as not to sway on your desires for your life.


As women, we hold infinite power in who we choose to allow into our life that we wish to intimately share with someone. We don't have to be complacent. We can choose to take an active role.


When making a list of Godly attributes we desire in a man, we can pray and ask God to guide us, to give us discernment and insight into what's healthy.


You are loved and you have a path of healthy new beginnings stretched out in front of you....

For I know the plans I have for you, 
declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, 
to give you a future and hope. 

- Jeremiah 29:11

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!