Parents: Flawed Human or Villain? Acceptance & Healing

 this post contains language 

***************

I was scrolling on Facebook and noticed a post by Humans of New York … otherwise known for short as HONY, maybe you're familiar with the page. There, posted on Sunday the 18th was a photograph of a young woman wearing a purple hooded jacket, black jeans and boots with curly hair… she was quoted saying:

"I realize now that my parents are just regular people with flaws,

 and my dad is not a villain. He's just an asshole."

I believe she was trying to explain that initially she viewed her father as being a villain, a calculated individual who knowingly, purposefully hurt others and as the years passed she has realized, learned the difference between someone being merely flawed, perhaps the occasional jerky behavior and then the one who is of a sociopathic nature. There is a difference and she has learned she merely has one from the lower level, a flawed father or occasional jerk if you will. No matter what she believes she has dealt with, no matter what she believes he is… she has endured some type of hurt, some type of infliction by him. We can't know exactly what she's experienced, as we have no information to go on in terms of details. I don't believe for a second she's a spoiled or entitled young adult who is haphazardly throwing verbal barbs. She's had a less than swell experience with him growing up and has put great thought into her changed perspective of him as it's grown and changed as she has. There were many supportive people on there who commented that they too had had less than wonderful fathers, some even more aptly referring to their fathers as downright abusive. People acknowledged her hurt, her wounds, they shared words of love and affirmation and even hope and healing. It was beautiful to see so many folks of all ages pouring out their hearts with compassion for her. As well there were commenters who bashed her. Some argued she was perhaps the "a**h***", that perhaps she shouldn't have used the word "a**h***" in describing her own father. Granted, God obviously doesn't want us using foul words that don't bring life and some commenters further stated that she shouldn't have used the word she used to describe her father on such a public platform. Could she have found a less potentially volatile adjective? Could she have chosen better wording in describing him? Yes. We've likely all used less than golden words to describe others, myself included. But no matter what they believed, at the end of the day the young woman needed compassion shown to her. 

And as they continued

 to ask him, he stood up 

and said to them, 

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

John 8:7 ESV

Maybe you can relate to her experience. 

Perhaps you can relate to her, and maybe you've tried to cope, to deal… maybe for a long, long time, maybe decades. More than likely you have tried above and beyond if you're the child of someone on the extreme who is abusive, man or woman. When we have a parent, whether father or mother who is toxic we go through our entire childhood wishing, hoping they will change. We seek affection, adoration and love from them. We silently shuffle and step around that stinking pile of poo that we know goes with them and hope by appeasing, by pleasing them they will love us unconditionally, they will take the time needed to listen, to connect and show affection, that they will show us love in a healthy, nurturing manner. Instead, we may face a wide spectrum of actions that range from in-your-face screaming, cursing and put downs, to neglect, to more insidious emotional abuse like triangulation amongst us, our siblings and our other parent, gas-lighting, projecting, etc. We may call them on their behavior and yet they may deflect. As children we may spend an entire childhood and even young adulthood hoping in a false hope that our parent will not hurt us again, that they will lay down their toxic behaviors once and for all. Unfortunately, that may not happen. It can take years for children, yes, even grown children to come to the stark realization that they are sending up prayers that may very well never come to fruition. It's an incredibly disappointing reality to come to terms with what we've endured. Because even once we admit to ourselves that a relationship with one of our parents isn't healthy for us, that it causes us great grief, despair, hurt, anxiety and personal violation in terms of boundaries… we still long for it not to. We long and yearn for it to not be that way. We may dabble in a "fake it till you make it" mentality… thinking if we just pretend like it's all rosy the relationship will grow and change from a decaying rotted one to vibrant, blooming and healthy.

People may say:

 "Well, so, they are flawed. They are human. You must accept them." 

Yes, we can accept they are flawed. Perhaps for some this takes longer than for others… perhaps we can remember that all humans are flawed and do UNintentionally hurt others at some point or another and YET there is a big difference between merely flawed and PURPOSEFULLY inflicting hurt that is swept away under the rug by the perpetrator, by the villain, minimized and even delusionally rejected as reality. Undoubtedly some parents are "flawed" in ways so bad, so extreme that it's detrimental for us to be exposed to them… yes, we accept it, we accept that fact and also perhaps that we don't have to accept it as a way to live. 

It's hard to heal from a relationship 

when you're still getting jabbed, isn't it?

When they continue to stick you

and then act like it's your fault it hurt. 

 Distance is sometimes the greatest salve to an open wound. 

As a daughter you may have never felt fulfilled by your relationship with your father. For girls and women, their relationship with their dad sets the tone for any future relationships with men. Becoming co-dependent and marrying narcissistic partners, avoiding commitment all-together or taking on the role as the "head of household"could all be ways to cope later in life. For boys and men… they may sadly never feel as though they match up in their father's eyes… they may always feel like they've let dad down and can't seem to please him no matter what they do. 



It's the great ability to accept the fact that you cannot make a person change, that you can accept they are who they are, whether flawed human or villain…. The ability to accept yourself is wonderful as well, to trust yourself again, to trust your instincts, to delight in the gifts you possess, to realize your beauty and strength, to learn that yes, you are worthy, you can choose distance, you deserve a life free of anxiety and tension, free of walking on eggshells, free of always second guessing yourself, that you are lovable and healing can be yours and that thank goodness without a doubt there is a love greater than anyone else's… Christ's.

Go to Him… he's there to heal you, he accepts you fully. 

14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, o“Let the children come to me; pdo not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 qTruly, I say to you, whoever does not rreceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And she took them in his arms and blessed them, tlaying his hands on them. 

Mark 10:14-16

11 fI am the good shepherd. The good shepherd glays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is ha hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and ileaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and jscatters them. 13 He flees because khe is a hired hand and lcares nothing for the sheep. 14 mI am the good shepherd. nI know my own and omy own know me, 15 pjust as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and qI lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:11-15

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading & sharing! 

Mean Girl Behavior: 3 Types & How To Avoid Being One

Mean Girls


Did you know one in school?

Did you know a girl who bragged to everyone how she had a phone, t.v., and cable in her bedroom? Maybe she only wore designer clothes, had "perfect" hair and made fun of you for wearing glasses, Levi's and braces. Maybe there was a clique of mean girls who kept their heads in a huddle of whispered glances and muffled laughs that you knew were directed at you.

Maybe you were the target of bullying, of having your locker doused with lotion ruining all your text books (true story), maybe you were snickered at or mimicked by others, maybe you were teased for being short, tall, blonde, underweight, overweight, shy, uncoordinated, studious, nerdy, etc.

Perhaps you felt as though your entire school career was one bad journey and you have zero desire to go back down memory lane.

Maybe you're sorry you even began reading this post because one of the previous paragraphs made you cringe and you don't want to be reminded of a time in your life you've worked three years, five years or ten plus years to forget. 

At one time I believed if adulthood would just hurry up and get here already all the mean girls would be reformed and life as an adult would be a mean free zone.

I was so wrong.

I naively believed that when we sprouted from little girls to women we would all GROW UP. I thought women would cut through all that nonsense of "She's thinner", "She's prettier", "She's got a better life", "She's got a nicer car", "She has more money", "She has a better personality", "She's married to so and so", "She's carrying a better bag", blah blah blah. I mistakenly believed they would all walk in kindness and not size you up. When women do this… when they are envious of your looks, your home, your figure, your vacation etc… and then diss you… when you've done nothing but been kind toward them… it can definitely be an eyebrow raising moment and lead you to think…

HERE'S THE TRUTH: 

SHE'S THREATENED BY A QUALITY 

IN YOU THAT SHE FEELS IS LACKING IN HERSELF 

No, you likely won't be friends with her because you can't "fix" an issue that is hers. 

Her behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. 
(Read that again)

If as little girls and grown women we can remember that fact we will do well. 

As an adult when you're not dealing with mean girls 

that are your peers you may be listening to your daughters detailed 

synopsis of her own dealings with mean girls in grade school.

No one really prepares us for how terrible adult mean girls can act. 

There seem to be three top types of mean girl adult behavior… 

although sometimes there may be a combination of two or more types. 

1. Snobby Behavior: 

The first mean girl behavior is the outright snotty kind who looks you up and down and assesses your look with critical eyes. You can read her thoughts on her face.... she shows them so clearly... "Hmmmm... real Louis Vuttion, DKNY slacks, a top that's probably a TJMaxx discount... and hair that was colored clearly from a box not the salon. And her nails? Ew." 

She may be a narcissist, she's likely very insecure and yet believes herself to be quite superior to her peers. This type of behavior may be viewed as exactly what it is… rude yet amusing. Here's the thing… at least you know what you're getting with her. You can read her by the side long glance she gives you. Take the higher road and be kind (not buddies… particularly and specifically speaking if you have to work with her be nice) but otherwise ignore, ignore, ignore. 

2. Indifferent Behavior:

Indifferent behavior is sometimes harder to pinpoint initially but eventually with time you get their number. She may if in a situation where it can't be avoided be forced to chit chat with you... usually about superficial stuff like asking which teacher your daughter got this school year... but that's about where it begins and ends. She won't typically seek you out. She seems to have an issue with you, as most of the time she appears to avoid you like the plague but you can't for the life of you figure out what it is because you've been nothing but super nice to her. 

Typically if someone has an issue with you and you've done nothing wrong the issue lies within them. Maybe their jealous because you have something they don't. Instead of working on whatever it is their unhappy with it's easier to diss you. The best way to handle it is to take her reaction as the compliment it is however backward and continue to take the high road.

3. User Behavior:

The third mean girl behavior is the user. It seems nothing gets on my ever-lasting nerve more than a user… this is mean girl behavior that seeks you out only when she needs something off you… otherwise she doesn't know your name. Maybe she only knows you exist if she has a teacher gift to assemble and by the way… she needs a contribution of x amount of dollars from you… Pronto! Maybe she only knows you exist when her daughter needs an extra warm body at her birthday party but makes it abundantly clear you don't need to stay. Maybe she only knows of your existence when she wants the neighborhood email list for being "in the know" concerning all of the block parties. Maybe she only knows of your existence when you're having a party so she can snoop inside your house. Whatever her motivation is you know it's not sincere as a true friend's would be but instead she then drops you like a hot potato after she has what she wants and moves on. 

Sometimes we may feel rebuffed by someone we genuinely attempted to reach out to in kindness and be friends with... leaving us bewildered and wondering what on earth happened... only later for your ex to become sudden friends with them, perhaps your bestie or a peer. It's natural to feel the sting of meanness or rejection but it's really not a reflection on you... and the truth is... they may not be good company for you to be friends with. 

When dealing with a user or merely an unkind person the best way to handle them is to disengage. Cutting the cord with someone who uses people for whatever they can gain... whether it's lake access, status, a new job, etc is not a loss… you can't lose what you never had to begin with… they aren't your friend(s). Continuing to have contact with someone of this nature is comparable to having a hemmroid that's not capable of healing... a continual pain in the rear. Life is too short to go around like that. 

As women all know it's stressful being around that... instead we can say no to letting her steal your joy. 

The thing is… 
when dealing with girls who are all grown up and behaving mean we have to use discernment…

We have to figure out if she's just having a bad day or if it's a pattern of behavior we have observed over a period of time. If she's having a bad day, shower her in love and grace… cut her some slack. But if the behavior you've seen has been a continual issue for some time still be kind when your paths cross but at the same time it might be time to get distance from her and move on. Even as adult women we don't have to be at the mercy of mean girl behavior… we don't have to subscribe to it just because it might not match up with society's ideal image of social correctness for girls to just "be nice" at the risk of taking abuse...  we have the right to decide to not go back for a second, third, fourth, hundredth helping of toxicity or mental nausea. We can say "I'm moving on."

MEAN GIRL BEHAVIOR

Didn't we get enough of this in Highschool????

It's always better to be less popular, less "in", less conforming than it is to have a mean girl in our midst. 

Because no matter how beautiful a girl or woman is, if she's mean…


No amount of sugar or honey will make her sweet inside.  


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

5 Tips To Not Be A Mean Girl In Adulthood:

1. Include others, branch out of your clique. There is always someone who feels left out.
2. Don't judge someone based on their physical appearance. Use discernment and look at their morals, integrity, their heart… those qualities are what really matter.
3. No rude remarks… like "I'd love to give you a makeover", "You have hat hair today" etc. Use your manners. 

4. If at work be professional and not catty. Don't use others to do your work to further your career.
5. Don't place stay at home mothers above working moms as superior or vice versa (women do all women a disservice when they attack other women as moms and how they define their role). If you're in the PTA don't ignore those mothers who can't commit the same amount of time or that choose not to.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Dear Daughter… An Open Letter To My Little Girl

Dear Daughter,


Hey, it's me…. you know… your mom? I just wanted to write you a note and tell you how incredibly proud I am of the young lady you are growing up to be. You are well on your way to becoming the strong young woman you will be one day. You've had a rough start and I know it hasn't been a picnic. Believe it or not… I was little once too and know plenty about rough starts. And yet I know with those rough starts there is victory waiting for you.


I know you didn't realize you were going to be introduced at such a young age to allergies and epi-pens and yet you have persevered. I know you weren't prepared for ADHD testing and not getting a sister like you wanted so badly. I know you didn't anticipate your family home being divided into two separate homes one day… and yet you have kept pushing forward. I know it's hard for you to vocalize how you feel and yet I'm proud of how you occasionally take the chance of letting those walls down and sharing your thoughts. I love it when you speak up on behalf of others like when someone in the school cafeteria at lunch begins talking about how different another student is… and you reply "Yep, he's different. God made us all different and that's okay." Sometimes we have to speak up... and it's better to speak with a voice that cracks than to keep silent. It's awesome to me that even though at times you may struggle, you come to me and ask what I think (you'll never be too old for that)… and although I tell you "I'm happy to give you my thoughts" I want you to share yours too… because it's important that you are able to think for yourself.


Whenever a boy is being mean to you I begin my round of twenty questions and look up his parents in the school phone directory like a mobster… Who is this kid? Who are his parents? What's his issue? Why's he bothering my little girl? Because I will protect you to no end and any little boy messing with my little girl is not doing it because he likes you as society's backward mentality wants to believe… he's doing it because his father is likely disrespectful toward women and is not setting the correct role model in the home. I won't have you growing up believing that when a boy gives you attention in a negative manner he likes you... reality is he's being a bully. Yes, he needs grace but he needs correction too and his father needs help… this seems to be a common issue today that needs serious attention.


When you look in the mirror I hope you see what I see… a beautiful little girl who has beach wavy hair, flushed cheeks and pretty eyes… I hope you don't see flaws or specks because in my eyes you don't have any… you are perfectly you in every way possible. I hope you know that you are fully capable of your goals and dreams and you can do whatever you set your mind to. I know you get your independent fiery streak from me because I see glimpses of it here and there trying to peek out from beneath your reserved surface. It can undeniably have pros and cons. It's a fine balance being a female… it's a constant battle to embrace some spiritedness and not end up becoming the anti-proverbs 31 woman... there will be days you miss the mark, you push the limits, cringing and hindsight will be 20/20... don't beat yourself up; press on and learn your lessons. I wish success for you and yet not in the form of fancy cars, maids and mansions… but a kind spirit that wants to help others, someone who if they earn more than they could ever need will use it all to help people in need. My wish is for you to always see your great worth in a humble manner and remember God's love for you… I love you but no one will ever love you more than God… no other human can fill that hole within like He can. I know you are adamant you will never ever get married and I could be incredibly selfish and say "Oh, sure you will, I want grandbabies one day"… but I won't. Because it's important that you be yourself and march to your own drum… not some guy's drum only to then wake up one day and realize you forfeited your drum for him to have his… and then to have him say "Sucker" and walk off. What you choose… marriage or not… kids or not… I support you.


I can tell you one of the most important things to be in life is genuine. People love genuine people… who give genuine smiles and emanate warmth from their heart and eyes… and even if by some chance they don't care for you… at least you are being you. The girls who are remembered as being genuine and kind in school were the ones who were nice to everyone. Everyone genuinely appreciates people like that… who include others... girl's that don't ensconce themselves into just their click but will reach out to the girl alone in the corner or the boy who dropped his books in the hall… if you're remembered in any way… be remembered as kind… which you are… I see it when you let a classmate borrow a pencil… when you buy your friend popcorn after school on fridays… when you help someone to the nurse to get an ice pack for their knee. The world needs more of that and I value what you do to contribute your part… as the little things are truly the big things.


You always have the right to say no. Saying "No" is not to be seen as mean. Practice it every day because it will be needed all through your life. Every time I watch the Bachelor and I see these wacky stunts they pull where the girls are expected to jump from the top of a building or take their clothes off for some anti-fur charity…. I want to scream at my television set. Because any "Bachelor" with any decency wouldn't let you take your clothes off, number one. He'd have more respect for you than that… I don't believe it's necessary to undress for a cause… you can volunteer your time or open your wallet just as easily. If you ever feel like you need to jump from the top of a building to "trust a guy" and get a rose, then you're in a mess and you need to phone me immediately and I will come pick your butt up… because that is pure insanity. You shouldn't have to "prove" anything to get a rose, a date, a meal or anything else. And the fantasy suite? You have zero business being alone in anything called a "fantasy" with a guy before marriage. Keep your eye on Jesus and if any man is Godly enough for your hand (and you actually want him) he will show up.


Just remember… always be you… always be content with who you are… jealousy does nothing but breed a never ending cycle of discontentment… be happy with your body, your hair, your smile and personality that God gave you… He doesn't make mistakes. If you want something someone else has… a goal, a career… that has nothing to do with them, so don't resent them for it… that's all you, your issue. So go after what you want, send those prayers up, put in the hard work and extra effort… and always remember this…


I love you with all my might… forever and ever…

and the one who loves you even more is your Daddy Almighty God.


Love you sweet pea,

Mom


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

50 Things To Teach My Daughter
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/50-things.html

Women/Beauty and The Comparison Trap
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/womenbeauty-and-comparison-trap.html

Life: Everyday We Have A Choice To Shape It
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/life-everyday-we-have-choice-to-shape-it.html

Women: Proverbs 31 Or Sexy Hot?

Meet the two most overused words in society: 

1. Sexy

2. Hot 

It seems everytime I'm standing at the checkout to buy groceries and scanning the display of slick magazines graced by supermodels and celebrities in their low cut blouses, fire engine red lipstick and come hither bedroom stares it's the headlines that are actually what give me reason to cringe. Headlines that scream out with promises to help women in bed in the form of "10 Sexy Moves To Try On Him Tonight" or "This Season's Sexiest Wardrobe Must Haves"... and "Are You Hot? Take The Quiz!" 

Ugh. 

Gag me. 

It seems like in our society (at least in America anyway) we have in general all turned into a bunch of un-creative bumblers if you will when it comes to using words to describe women or anything closely related to them.

Can we not do better than "Hot?" 

There is a whole list of words out there in the English language that can be used to describe women in a positive manner, in a way that lends an appreciation for their beauty aside from the usual: "She's sexy!" or the go to: "Dude, she's so hot!" 

<eye roll> 

A VAST VOCABULARY…

Let's be introduced to.... elegant, pretty, lovely, beautiful, precious, gorgeous, graceful, glorious, luminous, sparkly, remarkable, splendid, enchanting, vibrant, lively, glowing, radiant... 

SHE'S MY SEXY ANGEL… 

Despite loving their hot pink infused stores and pretty undergarments I always find it amusing when Victoria Secret airs their models on television (which most of the time look underage but that's another blog, another time) wearing angel wings and barely there sexy panties and bras. I wonder if God rolls his eyes at that one. I wonder if He thinks to himself... "People!.... they can even slap 'sexy' on an angel for crying out loud! And 'hot' doesn't correlate to Heaven but actually hell, folks."Being sexy may get us access in a club, in certain social circles or a date but sexy won't save our butt. Sexy is not a must have... and neither is sexy required to live a life of good.... a life of value.... a life loving God and others, even a life of beauty. 

SEXY = EXPECTATIONS… 

The word sexy can undeniably be somewhat harmful to women. Because it insidiously sets this unspoken certain physical standard that women need to meet or else their value plummets to the ground. The idea of sexy... that expectation for a woman to be sexy despite childbirth, maybe an illness, a few post baby pounds, or even (gasp) aging, etc... it sets the bar high for women and in that a deep down undeniable fear that maybe we aren't meeting the sexy-meter. And then that worry alone can send us as women head first into a whirlwind mental tunnel of fear. What if my husband no longer finds me sexy? What if he finds someone else whom he deems sexier? Will he leave me? Women may think... I have this beautifully sweet baby I gave birth to and if I don't get this body of seemingly mass destruction by my admittedly own skewed view back in tip top shape pronto he may move on in the form of a roving eye, an affair, a sex addiction, etc. It's an unspoken unrealistic expectation by society to look like a super toned (sexy hot!) waif right after giving birth and if you must make yourself sick to do it so be it. 

This is all wrong, wrong wrong. 

It places the wife in the position of putting more value in staying slim, more value on her abs and waistline than the striving towards Proverbs 31 character. It places more value on a wife being sexy than spiritually mature. It places more value on a wife being "oh so hot" versus cool, calm, patient and loving. 

Covenant/Conditions… 

Marriage is to be a covenant but when the expectation of wives needing to be sexy or hot arises, it instead brings conditions…  and we know with conditions comes any multitude of backward reasons for that union to be broken in the eyes of man. We all, men and women alike need to care for our bodies, no doubt, for our health and take pride in the blessings God has given us.... and yet physical beauty is not the be all end all. As women we truly want to be valued in the other areas in life we share beauty like our spirited personalities, our kind words of encouragement, our selfless giving, our helping hands, our ability to turn something simple like flour, eggs and butter into a wonderfully thoughtful gift in the form of cake for our neighbor, our deft ability to multi-task with a baby on our hip and serve our family. It's these things we as women do that may not always be seen as contributing beauty to the world, to our husband's and to our home yet that indeed are.

Unconditional Love… 

And what a beautiful message for a wife when a husband proclaims how beautiful she is in all ways to him….  lovely like a rose of Sharon on his arm beside him in all seasons of life, lively like a whisper wind in his ear as she speaks words of life and appreciation for him… luminous like a drop of glistening dew in the marital bed of selfless love towards him... what a song of beauty it is to her ears, to her heart, that she... of all women out there in the universe is loved unconditionally by him and desired solely by him not based on her sexiness per se but out of love for her and her radiantly glowing spirit.

I can't think of anything sexier than that. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

Proverbs 31:10 

An excellent wife who can find? 

She is far more precious than jewels. 

Proverbs 31:20-21 

She opens her hand to the poor 

and reaches out her hands to the needy. 

She is not afraid of snow for her household, 

for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

1 Timothy 3:11

 Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers,
 sober, faithful in all things.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Divorce/Child Custody Trial: 10 Tips For Moms

November 2012

names have been omitted or changed in this post 

*****************

It seemed unbelievable that someone could spend an entire day in court enduring their trial regarding the custody of their two children.... it was a picture perfect day outside. As I stood at the floor to ceiling windows looking out over the city from a third story view at a stark blue sky with perfectly whipped white clouds, I wistfully wished I was out there too... it was by all means a beautiful summer day with the sun shining full force. Thankfully the temperatures had dropped slightly due to the recent rain and now hovered around the eighties. As I watched traffic and people move about down below I spotted college aged girls in brightly colored tanks and running shorts laughing and chatting with their girlfriends as professional men and women in suits rushed by holding briefcases heading to the court house. It was close to one thirty and my stomach grumbled not at all satisfied with the mere bag of chips I'd inhaled from the vending machine. Leaving for the building for our lunch break had seemed like more effort than it was worth and sitting alone with my mother in the empty conference room after the stressful morning in court was preferable to noisy crowded streets and fetching the car from the garage nearby just to scarf down a hamburger. The quietness of the courthouse was comforting, the ability to wind down a moment and just regroup from all the testimony heard that morning before the Judge.


We wouldn't finish until six thirty and when we did the cleaning crew had begun their rounds, their machine making a whirring sound as it cleaned and polished the floors throughout the courthouse leaving them sparkling. Walking through the heavy glass doors to the concrete jungle outside and the setting sun, the humidity hit us and yet I gasped with relief the tough day was coming to a close... my long length gray skirt flowed around my boots and even though it was July I was glad I had dressed for fall that day, as the courtroom temperature had been cold. Retrieving my vehicle from the now empty garage and paying what I owed in parking we departed onto the city street headed to buy something comforting for dinner that I knew would have to include some chocolate.



Over the past nine months I have learned a lot although I wish I could say that it hadn't been necessary to learn these lessons to begin with... and that the events that led up to me filing for divorce had never happened. But yet here we are and in everything that has happened I can say I have walked away knowing much more than I did nine months ago when this process began back in October 2012. Having acknowledged that I also see where I could have handled the situation better and yet also where I believe I handled it completely on target. It's these things that have prompted me to write this post... I want to share what I've learned with other women and for those of you who are going through divorce and child custody or may in the future I would hope that by my sharing some of what I have learned will help you in your own case. I also know that with child custody issues, we as parents are never truly "done" and there will inevitably come a time in the future that my now ex-spouse and I will go back to court to present new issues or evidence showing that our current arrangement is not working, etc.


10 TIPS FOR MOMS:


1. Make An Effort. 

It's really important to make every effort you can to reach an agreement. Generally speaking, it's best to choose your battles wisely. Learn to compromise on the little things and decide what your big issues are that are absolute deal breakers. What issues are weighing on your heart and most important to you? It's important to choose these and realize getting worked up and fighting about every little issue is going to cost you not just financially but emotionally as it becomes more and more taxing as the process goes on and you become wearier. The more you can agree on then the last few issues left that you want to present to the court will be fewer... and if you can show that you have been very reasonable throughout the process the Judge will look more favorably upon you seeing that you are not trying to cause waves and create chaos. This will help your case.



2. Don't Text. 

This was one of my biggest issues during my process. A simple text can come back to bite you later. Personally, I would not have any text communication with your soon to be ex during the divorce process at all. It's too risky and if you lose your temper and send a caustic text telling your soon to be ex exactly what you think of them... trust me, everyone will receive a copy of it later in court and you will be held accountable for it. You may feel justified for sending a little zinger to them in the heat of the moment and no one for a minute does not see the hurt that has been inflicted upon you yet.... yet you will still have to explain yourself on the stand. In that though.... if the opposing counsel begins badgering you about your less than stellar conduct in your text you sent and even speaks of how "that was incredibly immature behavior, don't you think?" you can first point out your soon to be ex's behavior whether it's been cheating, lying, drinking, endangering the children, etc and THEN agree that your text was immature. Whatever you do... when dealing with the opposing counsel cross examining you... do not simply answer yes or no to any of their questioning. First and foremost make your point and THEN answer the question. This does two things... one, it balances your answer by pointing out your stance and then two, it ruffles the feathers of opposing counsel because it is in fact likely annoying them that you are bypassing answering their question first. If you can do this very calmly and in a neutral tone they will often become exasperated which in turn the Judge will not like as they may become more aggressive and harsh in their questioning of you. It worked for me and very likely may work for you. In the future I will not have any text communication with my ex. By knowing what your weak spots are and where your ex can use ammunition against you... then you can make the necessary changes to head them off and prevent bigger problems down the road.



3. Follow Your Mama Bear Instincts. 

Hating your estranged spouses behavior is understandable because if you are a mom and have children the last thing we want to witness as mothers is seeing our children suffer. It tends to make our mother bear instincts rear their head and in that we become fiercely protective of our children's health and safety. If your husband has placed the children in any danger such as having them around women who were incapacitated in some way... either through alcohol or drugs or were just plain crazy and were a threat to the safety of your children... as a mother you naturally worry about the toll all of this is having on your children....  especially over time as scenarios of your husband dating (technically cheating) continue like some bad rated movie. Being a protective mom, if he has shown patterns of abuse you may take it upon yourself to take action. I did take matters into my own hands after an incident at our home after I had filed for divorce. My husband got up in my face within an inch screaming at me to write up a receipt for the buyer of our pool table while my children shrank back in horror. When my mother verbally intervened on my behalf he began charging her like a wild bull. Placing a sign outside our home that in reference to the penal code (you can look online for a penal code regarding trespassing) he was not allowed access anymore. In court I faced an extensive line of questioning regarding my decision to do this and yet I stood firm. Opposing counsels stance was I had the sign hung on the mailbox outside the front door where my children could view it. They argued this was a negative action considering the children could see something regarding their father in a negative light. (the truth was, my children and I entered and exited through the back door) I argued that in fact the sign was a good thing because children must be taught that there is such a thing as boundaries.... the fact is we as parents (especially mothers) must teach our children that just because someone is your parent, aunt, uncle, sibling, boyfriend, friend etc... love doesn't include abuse. And that by standing strong and teaching our children that setting boundaries is extremely important. The sign I had posted merely stated my husband's name and the penal code which speaks for itself.... there is no need for any other words. After explaining why I had made such a choice I followed it with "It worked... it kept him out."



4. Another Word On Boundaries. 

If your divorce has been contentious you may want to exchange the children somewhere neutral. This is in your children's best interests (and yours) in terms of peace of mind and safety. McDonald's is a popular neutral choice for divorced parents versus choosing your individual homes where a struggle of power and turf can take place like opposing gangs. It may be wise to exchange the children at your local police station if there is a history of abuse especially physical.



5. Keep A Daily Record.

Keep a daily journal of all conversations, incidents etc between you and your estranged spouse and anything negative that happens between him and the children. Get a big spiral notebook and take detailed notes with the date each day. Let's say for example you were emailed the time and place your son's swim class was by your spouse and yet when you get there no one is around.... you realize your spouse purposely told you wrong information so you'd miss it. While you are there take a photo of the swim location and then email the photo to yourself. The email will now have a date and time showing you were there at the time your spouse specified. You also have copies of his email showing the wrong time. Now you have evidence for court.



6. Don't Engage.

Keep as much communication with your estranged spouse to a minimum. It creates less of a chance you will say something inflammatory in the heat of the moment. If you are dealing with someone who is sociopathic in nature and tries to twist your words... use extra caution. If they begin trying to badger you with questions one or two phrases will help to turn the tables on them so you don't feel at the mercy of their power.

 1.) "I don't understand."

 2.) "I don't know what you are talking about."



The Apology. 

7. At some point in time your estranged/ex spouse may apologize to you for his behavior and how he's treated you. Only you know by your situation if there is a chance the apology is sincere and followed with actions of empathy on his part. If there has been zero empathy shown on his part and instead he has continually served up verbal abuse, physical abuse, cheating, stonewalling, manipulation, pity parties, guilt trips imposed upon you and the children etc.... DON'T BELIEVE IT. As soon as our trial was over my then ex-spouse confronted me in the courtroom with an apology and although I sweetly smiled and said thank you I knew it stood on nothing... it had zero actions behind it to make me believe it for a nano-second due to the continual hell he'd inflicted upon me and my children for nine months. Don't get sucked back in... don't give them your trust again because they will take it and then gladly make you regret doing so.



8. The Softie Vs The Pit-bull.

You have hired an attorney because likely you need someone who is experienced in wading through the legal system and all of it's tricky legal lingo and paperwork. It's important to hire someone you mesh with and whose desire is for you to have a favorable outcome in your case. With that being said... if you hire an aggressive pit-bull you may have someone who also unnecessarily ups your costs and your anger fanning the flames in a case that is already emotional and contentious. Likewise, if you hire a softie who is a sweetheart to a fault it can become a detriment to your case as you may feel as if you are having to lead the battle yourself. Both scenarios can have drawbacks. It's important to find someone who has a balanced view and wants to work amicably with the opposing counsel yet also will step up and fight for you when needed.



9. Active Participant. 

No one knows your case better than you. When you go to court take a sticky note pad with you and pen. When opposing counsel begins their verbal barrage you need to be ready to hand your attorney a sticky note with your stance on it to voice for you and interject. Being familiar with your case, the facts and details etc can help you when going up against the other side.



10. Passports. 

If your estranged spouse has continually shown bad judgment regarding his choices in general and particularly regarding his children... as a mother you have to look out for them. Making certain any current or future passports are in your home will keep the power placed more in your pocket versus your estranged spouses. He should have to request the children's passports from you so many weeks in advance and give you a full itinerary showing where he plans to stay during his trip out of the country. In this agreement you can have it stated that you have daily phone contact with the children to ensure they are okay. Putting safeguards like these in place is imperative when it comes to the safety of your children and your peace of mind.




Life is not over... 

When we are kids we never dream to be divorced one day... as children we always believe we will have the fairy tale ending and live happily ever after. The good news is our day in court doesn't equate to the end of our life! We can still live happily ever after... we can write a new story and in that we can be a living testament to the grace, power and strength God has given us to get there!

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

This blog has had such a huge response that I've added the link below for Part 2: 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorcechild-custody-trial-tips-for.html

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing!

Comparison Trap: Don't Compare Your Path In Life To Other's

"What do you do?" 

"Where did you go to high school?"

"Where did you go to college?"


Ugh...

In my twenties I would cringe when these questions were posed to me in social circles.

Perhaps some of you have too.


Finding our way... 

When I was little my dream was to be a ballerina.  However I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for years after it became very clear being a ballerina wasn't going to happen. Having posters of ballerinas in your bedroom and yet zero lessons.... does not quite cut it.


It understandably it can be unsettling when everyone around you seemingly has everything figured out and is sailing through life with zero uncertainty about what their profession will be. This may then lead to anxiety ridden moments during social settings when someone asks you "What do you do?" But even if you struggle with not knowing what path career wise you aspire to take in life... rest assured you are not alone. The truth is, each of us reach our destination of discovering where our heart lies, what our passions are, what is important to us in our own time. This is why it's so important to try our hand at many new things to see what we flourish in...  yet have not yet discovered. Just because we may take a little longer than others to realize what we know in our hearts we are meant to do does not mean for a second we are less than others who have it all figured out from the start of childhood.



Motherhood.... 

Likewise we may decide that being a mom is the only job we desire. There is nothing wrong with that and in fact is often the most under appreciated (and unpaid) job as a whole by society today. There is never truly "off time", as raising children also comes with managing a home, overseeing appointments and caring for sick children. Any mother who has drudged out of bed like a zombie at 3 am to administer fever medication and a cool washcloth to a sick child knows the sacrifices a mother makes. A mother's joy supersedes her sacrifices in the long run even if during that 3 am moment she questions procreation however fleeting. Being a mother is a noble job that we are blessed with by God and one each of us should take seriously and in no way ever regard as less than. As women we are preparing our children to live in Godly character as adults one day. We don't ever have to be ashamed to say we are mothers... we are actually beyond blessed to call ourselves "mom" and to have a little one refer to us as theirs.

High school... 

We may not have made the typical decisions others have made during those four years and in fact may have made less than stellar choices... perhaps we became involved with people of shady character, maybe we skipped classes... regrettably finding ourselves planted in detention or summer school more often than a regular classroom. Whatever decisions we made back then and however long ago, they may very well have impacted us for quite some time. For some who sailed through high school on the high of popularity, excellent grades and esteem and were rooted in a positive family life their high school years may be in stark contrast to what their peers experienced. What holds us back in life is choosing to continually subscribe to the false notion that we are less than due to our past or the mistakes we've made in it. We don't have to beat ourselves up and instead can look back at how far we've come. We can stand firmly in Christ's love for us. Turning from our old ways has set a new life before us and that includes our hopes and dreams coming to fruition despite a rocky beginning... what a testament to living in victory!



College... 


Our sense of self worth shouldn't be founded in our degree, campus of education, sorority, etc. Your worth is not grounded in the image of how others perceive you, or the alumni sticker on your vehicle's back window or lack thereof but instead God's unwavering love for you. Today there may be enormous competition in social circles to be what others expect you to be and live up to the ways of the world when it comes to status and image... but we don't have to place our faith in things that may very well be fickle and uncertain. Instead we can place our faith in God and realize that no matter if our beginning was rough and more closely resembled "school of hard knocks" we have been finely chiseled by God each day since to stand where we are now.... in strength and celebratory triumph. I can think of no greater degree of success than that. For when we stand in celebratory triumph with God we encourage others to also.



No matter what path we choose in life we can rest assured that we are each walking our individual journey. We don't have to compete or compare ourselves with others... doing so only serves to trap us in comparison and cause us unneeded stress and self doubt. Instead, we can meditate on our passions and set goals for ourselves that enable us to become better each and every day... with God's guidance and prayers on our part we can not only survive in life but actually go a step further and thrive!

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing!