Divorce & Loneliness: 7 Tips

February 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

What time was it? I stirred and shielded my face from the bright sunlight streaming in the bedroom… squinting, I peered at my iPhone through bleary eyes and saw it was eight o'clock in the morning. It was midweek and I had the day off work…stretching, I was so relieved to have the day to do whatever I wished. The night before I had stayed up late with my mother watching a movie starring Sandra Bullock… Hope Floats… that had to be the most sad, depressing movie regarding divorce yet sadly reality for so many. The movie had entailed lots of tears, Kleenex and discussion afterward.


I heard my mother busy in the kitchen making breakfast… the scent of pancakes with fresh blueberries and maple syrup from Vermont wafted throughout the house. Rising from bed and pulling on a black PINK sweatshirt emblazoned in white with 1986 on it and fixing my hair back into a new and improved messy bun I wandered into the kitchen where she was busy at the stove.

"Hey!" She greeted me cheerily, busy ladling another spoonful of gluten-free pancake batter onto the hot griddle… the batter beginning to pop and sizzle.

"Hey, good morning…" I told her with a smile, reaching for a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, milk and then a bowl and spoon.

"Did you message that guy?" She asked me, referring to some guy who a dating site had alerted me to via email that had reached out… a dating site I had discontinued using months ago but for whatever reason still received occasional alerts from. Late last night I had taken the time to log back in and check out his profile.

"No… I checked out his profile but didn't respond." I told her.

"Why didn't you? I thought you were going to." She said with surprise.

Silence.

Finally I spoke… "I don't know why, really. I mean, on paper he sounds great. Everything looks good thus far. The first guy I can say that about. I don't know…" I trailed off in thought. Since being divorced, aside from work, life had been primarily breakfast with friends, play dates for my daughter, meeting my sister for taco's, lots of movie nights in, exercise and naps…  life had been a continual loop of the warm, familiar and comforting… and the thought of deviating from that known cycle seemed comparable to being released into the wild, being yanked from a cocoon of sorts and it somewhat terrified me quite frankly.

She looked over at me, then sliding her spatula under the warm and golden pancake on the griddle to flip it… "Is everything okay? I mean, I don't care if you message him or not… I'm not saying to message him, I'm not saying not to… I'm just wondering why you seemed like you were going to and now you seem like you don't want to."

"Yeah…" I exhaled, "Ughhhh… I don't know… he's sending smiles and questions and I'm just...." I trailed off and poked at the cereal swimming in my bowl and shrugged, "I'm torn…. part of me, I just don't want to go to the effort because I'm enjoying doing my own thing right now. Then part of me is like… it would be nice to have someone of quality character with a daughter or two to hang out with..." I told her, thinking of my daughter. "Maybe at the end of the day I'm just apprehensive."

I planned on thinking it over… the truth was, I was incredibly cautious as I should be… my walls were up and careful scrutiny was high regarding anyone these days, as hindsight is 20/20. These days I listened much more carefully, observed actions and listened to my intuition… learning to trust our own gut instincts again is vital in the recovery of narcissistic sociopathic relationships… as the sociopaths weapon of choice is to make you doubt yourself in all interactions with them and others. I knew it was vital for anyone who had been in such a toxic relationship to take the time needed to become healthier, more confident in relying on those internal warnings our instincts gave us regarding others who have hidden agendas.

In Divorce Care classes we had discussed the issues regarding dating out of loneliness post divorce… how that proves to be catastrophic to anyone in the aftermath of the dissolution of a marriage… the truth is… only once we are securely happy with being on our own can we begin being with someone else... otherwise we never know if we're choosing someone to merely fill a deep internal void. I loved being on my own so if I dipped my toes in, friendship would be pursued, not a romantic relationship… as I believed what the experts said… that pursuing friendship first sets the foundation for a successful relationship long term.

********************

It's perfectly fine to make your kids your number one priority post divorce along with your healing process. Many seem to give divorced folks well intentioned advice to "get back out there" pronto,  yet that advice can often deliver quite the disservice. The truth is… we need time to figure out who we are sans husband or wife… it takes time to figure out just what we want, to grow individually, to heal from wounds inflicted by our ex and to recover financially to stand on our own two feet.

The worst thing we can do post divorce
 is cave into dating someone out of loneliness.
 It is the kiss of death for a relationship
 before it's even begun. 

If we are experiencing loneliness it may very well be an indicator we are not spending any time or not enough time with God. Will God allow us to feel lonely when He knows we need to spend time with Him? Yes, quite possibly. Even if we try to fill our loneliness with social activities, with dinners and gabfests on the phone, God will always be there desiring his turn with us. He is a jealous God who loves us. Even if we turn to others to fill that gap, that void in our lives, so we don't feel quite so alone... in the depths and darkness when night falls, it's just us with our own thoughts and the crickets chirping outside our window... and God...  people only provide temporary relief here in this life… like a bandaid they are not a complete and total fix. God is ever-lasting, all en-compassing and an endless resource to us when it comes to companionship, affectionate love and comfort.

A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

When we feel lonely we can turn to God, not out of guilt because there isn't any sin in experiencing loneliness… like many other feelings; disappointment, sadness, etc, we can absolutely feel a full range of human emotions… it's when we begin to make poor choices that stem from loneliness that causes the issue. God wants us to turn to him for comfort and support when we are suffering, as there is zero shame in admitting to him we are struggling whether it be loneliness or depression, etc in the aftermath of a break-up.

Only God can satisfy our aching 

longing heart within, no one 

else no matter how they try. 

When God created Eve he created companionship for Adam… God saw that man should not be alone… but we also aren't to date or marry simply out of loneliness. We must be able to enjoy being on our own and only after having Christ be first in our life can we then even think of joining with someone else in marriage. Instead of trying to find someone here on earth to assuage our loneliness we can turn to God, pour out our hearts to Him and reveal all our feelings however negative allowing Him to fill any gaps, provide comfort and healing.

Trust him, turn to him in faith that he will fill the inner aches within and that his promises for you are for good not harm. Only once we put our trust in Him, when we look to him for companionship, for comfort, strength and to share our heart, our life, our innermost yearnings can we then be complete to love another.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2015

7 Things To Remember 

Regarding Loneliness: 

1. According to experts it takes roughly 3 years to heal from a divorce. When we put ourselves on a quick timeline to heal we rush the process and possibly stunt it.

2. When we allow others in our life however well meaning to dictate rushing into another relationship, setting us up on blind dates, seeking a romantic connection we risk making poorly suited choices out of loneliness. 

3. Post divorce we may receive calls and messages from well meaning folks of the opposite sex saying if they were single they'd be with us/marry us in a nano-second. These well meaning comments possibly meant to raise our spirits can often can make us feel more alone behind closed doors. Remember that each of us is worthy of love and Christ showed us the ultimate act of love; dying for us. 

4. When we're lonely the worst times may be at night when couples are sharing their days, cuddling, watching tv together and going out. Now isn't the time to dismiss any loneliness. It's better to admit we are lonely and embrace it than push it away, making the healing process longer. 

5. Abstaining from alcohol is wise when we're lonely.

6. Sometimes we're loneliest when we're in social settings when everyone else is coupled off. You are not the odd one out, the rejected one; don't listen to the lies of the devil... you are a valuable person who is fully capable of love, who did love and can do so again. 

7. It may feel like life is just passing us by if we're lonely simply because we don't have someone to share it with. But this time right now is precious. One day you may be married again... take advantage of this possibly fleeting time to do some things you've wanted to do. 

Related Posts:

Divorce: 6 Practical Tips For Healing 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorce-practical-tips-for-healing.html

Healing Post Divorce & Beginning Again 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/09/healing-post-divorce-beginning-again.html

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & Yes To Love Again 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/09/saying-goodbye-to-your-ex-to-love-again.html

Single? Divorced? Married? A Status Does Not Define You

image by gps grace power strength 

I'm taking a Divorce Care class again. Some might say it's redundant to repeat the course but I've been surprised by the number of people who choose to take it again. It's been nice seeing familiar faces and catching up on how everyone is progressing along with a few new folks. My perspective is different this time versus the last course… last time I was a ball of hurt, tears and pain… not really wanting to share much but really just observe and listen. This time it's with more peace, calm, a renewed outlook, distance and clarity. It's being able to turn to someone and say "Oh, yes, I felt like that too… I totally feel your pain, I knew that phase, feeling, etc, well. It will get better." Each time we have the ability to walk away with learning something new with wherever we are situated in our healing.


Single? Divorced? Married? 

Last week's class was the topic of anger and the group discussion turned into an interesting one. In the class there is a couple who are each divorced from other people but now married to one another. They are each individually still working through the aftermath of their divorces. In that the wife admitted even though she's re-married she will always feel divorced. She stated that her divorce is not simply wiped away now that she's married… however happily. Her husband took issue with that noticeably by his outward expression in response. I wondered if that hurt him, as if it took away from what they had… I don't believe for a minute that she meant it in anyway whatsoever to hurt him. I think I understood what she meant. She further explained that when we get any type of form to fill out there are always a few categories to choose from… single, married, divorced, etc. She said those forms drive her crazy because she doesn't really feel like she fits into any one criteria. She said before she met her current husband and was single after the finalization of her divorce she felt single but not in the way she did when she was twenty-something prior to her first marriage. She didn't feel as though the choice of "single" post divorce really fit. Then she said she didn't really want to choose divorced because she was single… it was like a catch 22. Once she married a second time she checked "married" but still couldn't shake the fact she would always be divorced. Being divorced didn't sum her up, it didn't define her, yet it would always be a part of her and who she was, it was a part of her personal history… as there was no erasing it. She laughed that perhaps whoever comes up with these forms should make another category like "Been there, done all that!" I laughed at that with the others appreciatively and ruefully thought a "Now Free, Thank God!" category would also be appropriate. Nonetheless, I certainly got where she was coming from and could appreciate her perspective.


Our discussion in the group is food for thought. Are we letting the fact we are divorced define us? True, like in my Divorce Care group divorce is a large part of our history if we've experienced it… it is long, painful and demands to be dealt with. There is still a stigma even today with being divorced. I was absolutely shocked at the stigma regarding divorce today… at least towards women… I can't speak for men, as I'm not one, only the guys can… but there is something about a divorced woman in a room that clears out the couples speedy quick. It seems others may view you as potential interference to a marriage… which is so far from the truth, at least from my view. Most of us as divorced women are so glad to live in peace (finally!) if we've lived marriages that were toxic that simply working and raising children (sometimes on our own) takes up a lot of our energy… rest assured, the majority of us at least, are not after anyone's husband.



A Status Doesn't Define You… 

Whether were married or divorced we don't have to let our status define us. We don't have to give into labels summing up who we are or who others think we are. Just because we accept a proposal, a beautiful ring and lovely words of sentiment, promises of forever and ever… doesn't mean that we are then deemed worthy. It doesn't mean then that we are worthy of love, that we are "chosen", "special" or superior. We were chosen way, way before we were ever a gleam in someone else's eye of affection. Reality is… we are worthy in God's eyes… we are defined by his love for us… He says we are his beautiful one, his son or daughter. On social media today, especially Facebook we see relationships being defined by "In a relationship", "It's complicated", "Single", "Married", "Divorced", etc. We see the joining of two people, we see break-ups of couples, we see it all… but those don't really define us. What defines us is "In a relationship with Christ"… maybe they need that option.

New International Version

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. 

He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, 

but will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

I admit when I was initially married I thought being married and having children was a destination reached that was loftier, better than one of being single. Being married seemed so grown up. So adult. As the years dragged on… after years of feeling controlled… heck, lets face it, being controlled… I was beyond tired of always feeling like I was never enough… always feeling used, always feeling like a trophy of sorts by him… he worked too much and was gone much of the time, he stonewalled and shut me down, everything was a "deal" to be made… selfless, giving love did not exist under our roof by him… I was always indebted, walking on eggshells and I was utterly exhausted. The single life started looking pretty good… seeing my best friend completely independent in an apartment with her own belongings, living her own schedule, making her own decisions, at times I felt twinges of jealousy of her single life. It's no surprise in hindsight as my marriage was not the epitome of love but instead emptiness and tension with hurtful actions and words. True, there were good days interspersed but the anxiety of dealing with him often overshadowed them. Marriage can only be good when both people are healthy and doing the necessary work. Today do I believe marriage is superior to single hood? Not a bit. Nor do I believe single hood is superior to marriage. Even in the best of circumstances marriage and being single come with undeniable blessings and challenges, they are each so different… and we can't sum up someone's life by whether they are married or not. There is so much more to them than that.

New International Version (NIV)

10 For we are God’s handiwork, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

In life we can take heart and remember we are not defined by our status of single, married or divorced. We are not summed up by one status of a relationship or lack thereof. We are more than meets the eye. We can't be defined by checking a category on a form. God knows to whom you belong… Him. He delights in you as his son or daughter… you are wonderfully made… and he has a purpose for your life whether you're married… or not.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 


Prayer~

Lord, if we begin to have thoughts of comparison to others or feeling as if our status sums us up… help us remember your view of us… gently remind us that we are your child and we are loved, that we don't find our identity in the world but in you. Amen.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading and sharing!

Related Posts:

All The Single Ladies: 10 Perks Of Being Single

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/all-single-ladies-10-perks-of-being.html

"Did He Say Ugly?" Teaching Our Daughters That Strength Is Beautiful 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/he-say-ugly-teaching-our-daughters-that.html

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html

Healing Post Divorce & Beginning Again

fall 2013

names omitted in this post 

*****************

With my left hand gripping the tan leather steering wheel… I maneuvered the curving road with enjoyment... was there nothing better than not being in a hurry and music playing, being able to just fall into a song and let it carry you to your next destination.... the sunroof was open allowing a fall breeze to blow in… trees in changing colors of copper, mustard yellow and radiant red passed by along my route... my long brown hair flew behind me with glints of auburn catching the afternoon sun… the top of my head shining like a crimson irish crown in the rearview mirror. Music… lyrics blasted from the radio and I sang along to the lyrics, taking the curves as they came…

"… listen to the wind blow
       watch the sun rise
       run in the shadows
       damn your love
       damn your lies


       and if you don't love me now
       you will never love me again
       I can still hear you saying
       you would never break the chain…"

~ the chain fleetwood mac


The night before had been emotionally trying… to say the very least. It was a season of just post divorce… and unlike my ex who had upon my filing a year earlier immediately joining a divorce support group at a local church... I hadn't.

Instead, I had diligently attended individual therapy sessions which had been an enormous help in navigating the rocky road of divorce and learning about how incredibly toxic my ex's behavior was. That his behavior wasn't something to be minimized… ours couldn't be chalked up as "just another divorce" like many other's. It couldn't be explained away as two people "who just can't seem to get along" but it was due to controlling, emotionally toxic behavior that was purposeful and punishing on his part. This was someone who consciously chose not to behave with respect and chose to merely win… who you couldn't have a conversation with on the phone because he would merely shut you down with "Jennifer!", who then followed ironically with… "If you'd like to have a discussion about the issue in person we can… otherwise this is what I'm doing" … it left you bewildered… obviously wondering how you could possibly fathom having an actual discussion "in person" when it wasn't possible to communicate properly in the typical give and take healthy folks have on the phone… conversations with him always involved stonewalling and my being interrupted, my feeling belittled, with his agenda being spewed full force like venom from a monster… and it understandably left you so exasperated that you weren't really sure if you wanted to beat the phone, him or your own head against the wall out of complete and utter frustration.


The previous night I had done something I'd never done… opened up about my divorce in a personal group setting. When the gentleman leading the divorce care group I had attended at a local church turned to me and said "Jennifer… why don't you tell us a little about your story"… I was a little taken aback… I'd been fine with watching the video and filling out the workbook… but talking about it in a group? Really? I hadn't been prepared for that. Faces stared at me expectantly and waited.


"Um… I really didn't think I needed this class" I began… feeling like I'd been in a state of denial on some level... "but watching the video upset me." I admitted and my bottom lip began to do that quivery thing I hate and I tried to bite it to make it stop it already… I knew what was coming behind that quiver and I wanted to stop it… a floodgate of tears that had been kept at bay for over a year. "The thing is… I've only cried like a few times during the divorce. I don't think I realized until I got here tonight how much I needed this. I've been holding most all of it in and just pushing forward."


He nodded and gently asked who I could relate to in the video and I told him… then I briefly explained how I had discovered my ex's infidelity… how I had initially been angry I'd had a husband who wasn't loyal. How his actions had broken up our marriage and yet… really, the truth was, at the end of the day the marriage wasn't healthy anyway. This I knew. That the relationship was comparable to a ticking time bomb. I told him I'd experienced a mix of hurt, anger and yes, even relief at the demise of my marriage and yet as time went on… most of my deep hurt had been buried, pushed deep down, viewed like a high maintenance need no one had time for and I certainly didn't... this was game time, this was hit the deck time, this was me less than gracefully telling myself daily "Get your arse out of bed(!)" and going out each day attempting to make up for lost time in creating a career and financial stability. There was maybe self-focused anger on some level that I'd allowed someone else's life's dreams to over shadow mine. This was "I don't have time for tears... I've got a business to build"... and that was more important than facing (with a box of tissues) what some creep had done that at one time I was married to.

As I explained a bit more of what had led me to where I sat at that moment… I wiped tears from my hot cheeks and he nodded sympathetically. Others murmured in agreement that they too had experienced a similar mix of emotions as well. The woman beside me kindly handed me the tissue box for the third time and our group leader spoke…


"It sounds like your ex believed he could just do what he wished. That he believed you either wouldn't find out or he thought you'd accept it." He told me sadly, dressed in khakis and a burgundy golf shirt… his peppered hair shone under the lights in the room and his kind blue eyes twinkled. I nodded in sad agreement and balled up the wad of damp kleenex in my right fist laying in my lap wishing the tears would stop already... I felt like a snotty three year old girl and it couldn't be even close to pretty.


He began moving around the wide circle and one by one each person told their story… hurts and injustices abounded as well as tissues passed to one another. It was affirming to hear that so many people seemed to have similar emotions and very real fears… one woman spoke of how she was terrified of having to now support herself after many years of marriage, as her husband had been the provider. She kept questioning if she was truly capable of doing it. She was job searching and not having much luck, she admitted… I smiled kindly at her with total and complete understanding... praying encouragement for her, determination and favor to wash over her.


Once making his way back around the circle our group leader spoke of how God was grieving beside each of us in the loss of our marriages… that He would help each of us move forward… bit by bit into the next chapter. He confirmed that by admitting our deepest hurts and true feelings only then could we begin the healing process… because feelings that are pushed aside or squashed only serve to keep us in the past… in that quagmire of suffering. But when we can honestly admit what were experiencing and not feel shame or the need to escape it… but embrace it… then we can break that chain… the cycle of pain and move into the future.


With his eloquent words he assured us that one day we may very well meet someone new… likely when we least expect it… as he himself had… and he was incredibly happy… he praised his wife and spoke of how incredibly blessed he was. He looked over at me and smiled...

"Just take it slow… heal first… and then you'll be ready for someone that will make you realize love is totally possible… and it can be so much better than it ever was before."


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

3 Tips For Healing After Divorce: 

1. Be gentle with yourself: 

Take time to relax, to pamper yourself. 

Read a book, journal, take a bubble bath, listen to relaxing music. Don't over-schedule or hold high expectations of yourself. Life may seem a bit foggy right now… and there may be times you feel frazzled like you can't locate the basic things you need or function as efficiently as you previously had. But your energy is being used to grieve and heal. It's normal to be tired and maybe

fatigued. If fatigue persists, or

sleep issues, even depression,

 see your doctor.

2. Begin a fresh start: 

Painting your home, getting 

started on a new creative project, 

re-organization, volunteering, gardening... as your comfort level increases small changes can be a good thing. This is your new life and whether you're wanting to learn new recipes you've put off way too long or to travel… tiny steps can make a big difference. 

3. Find forgiveness:

Even though you find forgiveness for your ex it also doesn't equate to condoning the poor behavior of his or her actions. Forgiveness cleanses your spirit, brings you peace and calm. It is a process and it can be yours. 

To My Readers; 

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!