The Tsimhoni Children: Dear Judge Gorcyca

“Wooden Justice Gavel” by suphakit73 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

UPDATE: Friday, July 10th 2015 - 

as of this afternoon the children have been released from juvenile detention and sent to summer camp. 

This post is an open letter to Judge Lisa Gorcyca in Oakland county regarding the article (including court transcript) that was recently published highlighting her decision to send three children to a juvenile detention facility to live for refusing to have a "healthy relationship with their father." 

The hearing that took place involving a divorced mother and father along with their three children by the names of Liam, Rowie and Natalie only continues to prove that the family court system is not only deeply flawed but downright dangerous to children and hardly in their best interests. 


Dear Judge Gorcyca, 

Upon reading the news article regarding your decision to send the Tsimhoni children to a juvenile detention facility I was appalled. I was not only deeply saddened for these children and worried for them but rightly moved to write this letter to stress to you the error in your decision. 

The family court system is to look out for the best interests of the children. When you made the decision to send these three children to a juvenile detention center the system failed them. You were not looking out for their best interests… in fact, upon reading the transcript from the hearing and reading what you said during it, I can only conclude that you were at best highly emotional, (the transcript reeked of a lack of empathy on your part) in making such a serious decision that you were given the responsibility to make for this family. 

Looking out for the children's best interests means not placing them in a place where they will be frightened. Looking out for the children's best interests means not viewing them with contempt which you clearly do by the things you said to them: "I'll tell you this, you two don't have a nice lunch with your dad and make this up to your dad you're going to come back here at 1:30 and I'm going to have the deputies take you to Children's Village." 

Using threatening language with the children as you did only shows how you're merely using FEAR and SHAME tactics to get them to comply. You're ignorantly and superiorly believing that a lunch will fix whatever damage there may be between these children and their father. You're behaving as though these children are merely possessions and property that must bow to you and their father… like robots you believe by your actions they have no hearts, no feelings, no spirits. 

You, Judge Gorcyca are wrong. These are children with hearts, with feelings, with spirits and view points who are refusing to have lunch with their father. These are children who are saying no to a relationship with him. The eldest who is fifteen claims to have witnessed their father hit their mother. You are claiming parental alienation by the mother. As the judge and the one who is supposed to be the adult and run a responsible and ethical courtroom you are to get to the issue at hand; is there alienation or not? Or are the children rightly justified in refusing a relationship with their father? It's your job to find out. It's your job to step up to the plate and not take the easy way out; to not send three children packing to a detention facility, throwing your arms up and talking ugly to them. The youngest is nine, a girl… no, Judge Gorcyca… you owe these children an apology. You owe them an apology for not doing your job and finding out the truth. 

What's the truth? Is the mother alienating the children? Where is the proof? Is the dad abusive? Is HE healthy? If he is abusive the children should have a voice in whether they see him or not; a nine year old is old enough to see toxic behavior if it exists and voice how often or if at all he/she chooses to see that parent. Not everything is always as it seems on the surface. Is there a combination of issues going on? Is the father abusive and the mother finally snapped and just told the children in no uncertain terms exactly what she thinks of their father? We don't know… and clearly you don't either. But regardless of what the father, what the mother or the children have done… they DO NOT DESERVE the decision you made in that courtroom. There are many who believe you should be removed from the bench for your outrageous and blatantly irresponsible rulings. 

There are plenty of Ad Litems, counselors, therapists, etc that are available to help in these types of cases… there are plenty of avenues to consider and take besides throwing three innocent children into a mini prison like criminals. In the interim until the truth was sorted out wasn't the children staying with another relative an alternative to the choice you made? It seems you had many alternatives for these children yet instead you chose the punitive route. 

I will pray for these children's safety, that they are reunited with family members who have their best interests at heart. I will pray that the truth comes out and it's so glaringly obvious no one, not even you can deny it's reality. I will pray that you see the damage being done via your ruling to these children as so many of us can. 

In the transcripts you address the youngest, Natalie by saying "God gave you a brain. He expects you to use it." I would say He expects the same for you… use your brain, seek the truth, exude love, use discernment… because none of those were utilized in your courtroom that day. 


Sincerely, 

Jennifer Gafford 
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation/Abuse

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation:

1. Your child's cell phone always goes to voicemail now.
2. Your cell number is now removed from your child's "favorites" or deleted completely.
3. Your texts to your child have no response; you've been blocked.
4. One parent not including the other's contact info in the school directory.
5. One parent not including the other parents info on the emergency contact form at school.
6. One parent saying "Daddy/Mommy has all my money due to the child support I pay."
7. A parent allowing their child to speak hatefully to the other parent in person/ on the phone.
8. Scheduling activities for the children without consulting the other parent.
9. Playing favorites over one child; one child gets a tutor, soccer, cotillion, etc and the other child receives nothing.
10. A parent having "private talks" with one child and the other child/children excluded.
11. Ignoring the "Right of 1st Refusal" in the decree/ not contacting the other parent to spend time with the child… instead, enlisting a babysitter, family member or intimate partner to watch the child.
12. A parent stating to the child that because the other parent filed for divorce it's their fault the marriage ended.
13. Removing photographs of the other parent from their children's room/possession.
14. Not informing the other parent of their child's school plays, field trips, Open House, field day, picture day, soccer games, swimming lessons, parent/teacher conferences, etc.
15. Chronically not answering the phone when the other parent calls to speak with the child.
16. Sabotaging one parents visits to see the children.
17. The child is afraid of you for no valid reason. They say they "don't feel safe with you", or "can't trust you."
18. Your relationship with your child deteriorates; it goes from close and loving to hateful and eventually non-existent.
19. The other parent over buys for the children creating a world of tempting excessive materialism that you could never or would never choose to provide.
20. A child's hatred suddenly extends to the rest of the parent's family; grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc.
21. A child erroneously believes he/she is making the choice to cut ties with their parent but in reality it is the other parent who is using them like a puppet on strings.
22. The child refuses to spend any time with the other parent; even meeting for dinner, etc.
23. One parent tells the child that the other parent has "rules at their house unlike his/hers".
24. A child's viewpoint is black/white and see the alienating parent as a "hero", "all good guy/gal" and the other parent as the total bad one… no gray area or in between.
25. Your child now lies like your ex about anything and everything.
26. One parent makes poor choices that aren't in the best interests of the children; hiring a babysitter that has a baby so the attention is on it not the children, sneaking in men/women into the house for sex with the children present, not using car/booster seats, leaving young children home alone or those with special needs, drinking & driving, etc.
27. Therapy for the child isn't proving to be helpful in a reconnection with the alienated parent.
28. One child continues to report that their sibling is being manipulated by one parent.
29. Overhearing a parents plans with the child; dinner, movie, water park, etc and immediately takes them to do those activities as a ruse to "win points" as the more fun parent.
30. One parent telling the child "when you are 12, 16, etc you can decide whose house you want to live at." ...giving a child too much power and/or asking them to choose one of you over the other.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/11/for-men-women-10-lessons-from-divorce.html

10 Phrases A Narcissistic Sociopath Uses

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You Are Not Your Parents Choices - 5 Tips For All Parents

fall 2014 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

"Daddy and I went to Target the other day…" my daughter told me. She was sitting on her tiny flowered stool I'd bought her at Homegoods. Sitting at the coffee table in the den she was busy coloring a picture with crayon's on white printer paper.

I sat across from her in a chair… the television's volume low in the background… the weather segment was on… I glanced over at her, setting aside my glass of ice water on a coaster and closed a box of cheese crackers.

"Yeah? That's good." I stated.

"Yeah… she said as she intently studied her artistic masterpiece she was working on… "He said to me… "I hope we don't see Mommy in here… because she hates me"."

"He said that to you?" Inside I was incredulous but kept my tone even and calm despite the shock within.

I was thinking to myself how it was so twisted that he was speaking for me and how I supposedly felt… painting himself again as the victim, assuming zero responsibility for his poor behavior and of all things putting all of it upon our eight year old daughter's shoulders… when in reality he needed to keep his mouth quiet. This was a time when his words fell into the category of "what not to say to your kids."

"Yep!" she quipped back and paused, carefully selecting the next crayon she wanted from the box… magenta was selected next and she used it to color the dresses she'd drawn on her stick figures.

"Hmmm… that is a pretty strong word to use… hate… I believe we can not like how someone acts, we can hate their behavior and it makes us so mad we feel like we hate them, especially at first, but after some time goes by we feel better." I sat in thought for a few and finally asked her "So, how did you feel about that? What he said?" I asked her, watching her face intently.

She looked up at me and spoke "It made me feel mad…"

"Yeah… well… did you tell him how you felt?" I ventured… wondering, hoping she felt that she could share her feelings with him…. no matter how he felt about them.

"Oh, no… " she shook her blonde head now looking back down at her picture in progress… her hair partially hiding her face from me.

"Why not, sweet pea?" I asked her gently.

"Because… I can't do that… tell him how I feel. He would get mad." she admitted with her hair still hiding her little face… it was easier for her to share her hurt heart hidden behind a curtain of beachy waves… and as I heard her words my heart ached for her… she was shrinking out of fear… out of possibly yet predictably being scolded by him for speaking her truthful observations. And that… that was just poo through and through. She then paused coloring and looked up at me… right in the eyes and vehemently spoke "But inside… inside my head I was thinking… well, you shouldn't have cheated and you should act nicer too."

Stunned, I searched for words… but couldn't find any… she continued coloring and in the background the weather switched to sports so I rose to turn it off. Then I leaned down and gave her a big bear hug… "I'm glad you felt you could tell me about this. I hope you can always talk to me about anything. I love you." I told her.

*******************

In 2001 Judge Michael Haas wrote a letter to divorced parents in reference to their children that has since made it's path all over social media… maybe you have read it.

By Judge Michael Haas - 2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

******************

When Dysfunction Is Known By The Children…. 
Growing up I saw how my father treated my mother, really all of us… and it deeply, profoundly affected me. He was of the belief that by opening her car door for her he was a good husband. But that naturally didn't make up for all the ranting, the stomping through the house, the cussing, the screaming, taking the Lord's name in vain, the slamming of doors, the mug throwing, the iron clad control, the tires squealing out of the driveway… him defending his parents and determinedly not backing down off that mountaintop… work always taking first priority…. the house falling into ruins due to neglect and lack of care despite money being readily available to fund art collections or hoarding as more aptly named… it was a crazy train of dysfunctional abuse that needed to come to a screeching halt… and I was keenly aware of it all.


Despite Judge Haas's letter of obvious good intentions but what I see as a partially erroneous view… not once during my childhood did I see myself as "bad" based on my father's behavior. I didn't look at him and feel self-shame for his behavior. His behavior was his own, as mine was my own… I knew we were separate and I certainly didn't take on any responsibility for his actions whether they were good or bad.


You Are Not Your Parents….
Perhaps some children go through a dysfunctional childhood and do internalize their parents actions… maybe they did see themselves as flawed due to dad's alcoholism or mom's infidelities… perhaps they felt deep shame within based on their parents flawed choices that negatively affected their entire family unit… and if that is true… my heart goes out to you… because it is so incredibly important for you to know if no one has ever told you before now that you are not your parents… you are not their poor choices, their regrets, their dreams, their failures nor even their triumphs… you are you and no one else.


Encouragement…. 
So, today… I give you encouragement… to cling to… to remember that just because maybe your dad cheated, or your mom slept with her boss or your parents drank… just because they fought like crazy and their arguments left you hiding in a closet scared… just because they divorced and left behind a zillion bad memories in their wake doesn't make you a bad person… it's no reflection on you… it's not your fault… yes, they shouldn't have cheated… it could be argued they shouldn't have acted so poorly… maybe they could have been nicer… and maybe on some days they were nicer… maybe your birthday and Christmas were the only "good" days from your childhood you can recall, when everyone kept it together for the sake of the holiday… or maybe those ended poorly too…


Regardless… you don't have to subscribe to the notion that their choices define you… that's so far from the truth… the truth is… you are loved by God… you are His… you had His stamp of love from day one… even before you were born…

Your parents may have made lousy choices but you weren't one.

You are wonderfully made and His. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2014 



5 Tips For Married & Divorced Parents: 

1. Your children are individuals. They are not possessions to be awarded, won, etc. The parent who treats them as tangible items comparable to being won in an auction are merely playing a game of manipulation and parental alienation.

2. Don't tell your children that your spouse/ex hates you. More than likely your ex hates your behavior. Likely they would love nothing more than for you to stop engaging in manipulative ploys to gain allegiance with the children and instead spend that same amount of time and energy into merely loving them.

3. Your children have a right to not like your choices. There is not a single handbook that states that they are in the wrong if they don't agree with what you've done. We can teach our children to respect their elders and authority but they don't have to like their behavior and as they grow older they can learn they have the right to boundaries with anyone they believe to be toxic.

4. You can think that your spouse/ex is an "idiot" all you want… but you can't verbalize it or intimate it.

5. If you don't know what to say to your child the best default "go to" response is always: "I'm glad you felt you could share that with me. I hope you can always tell me anything. I love you." Because at the end of the day part of parenting is teaching our children that all feelings are okay… (albeit, actions made from those feelings may be questionable as we know)… but when they feel something they should also feel like they can go to us… and when they do, that is a parent-child victory.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts:

Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html

Divorce & Kids: Drafting The Final Decree

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Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody 

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An Open Letter To My Son

My Dear Son…. 


I wasn't going to write this… I knew how hard it would be and I really wasn't sure if I was ready to go into these waters… to delve into this… but I think I am. Stay with me as I try to muddle through… please read it all the way to the end… and give me a chance to tell you everything I want to.


I love you. I love the baby boy you were that I bathed in the kitchen sink at our first home. I loved the toddler you were coloring at my feet in the kitchen with crayons and paper while I baked homemade lasagna for our little family. I loved you in the midst of screaming fits, head banging and defiance. I loved you in the confusing world of testing and diagnoses, appointments and those darn ARD meetings that would leave me exasperated… a panel of people staring back at me as I voiced repeated concern for your academic progress… those meetings that would nearly always inevitably once home, send me straight to the computer on a mission to write the state a scathing letter or even the local paper regarding the public school system. My love for you propelled me forward as your advocate despite any and all obstacles… despite the system often aggravating me to my limits at times. I loved the boy who was fraught with fear by water in his eyes yet years later overcame and grew to be an excellent swimmer. I loved the boy who attempted to hide from sunlight because it hurt his eyes and hated sock bands because they "hurt him"… I loved the boy who was delighted to be handed sunglasses and sandals… who would have worn sandals year round if allowed. I loved the boy who wanted to frolic in bubbles but wanted structure when it came to his trains… because if one moved out of place all hell broke loose… yet I was there to hold you and help you through it… and all the way through a million little kicks to my legs and attempted bite marks on my arms and hands because I loved you…. I loved you when the school called and said "Mrs. Gafford… you're going to have to get up here… he's attacked the teacher." I loved you when we'd go to the zoo and you'd happily point at the penguins because they were your favorite… so I bought you a giant poster of a penguin for your room… I loved you when you asked me to make you your favorite breakfast for dinner… french toast… and I'd make it for you again any time because as your mom I love doing the little things for you.


Fast forward to now…. now… seems so very strange. Now is new territory and it's like I've been lost without a map… trying to adjust to this new way of life as you have… you have gone from living in one home to two and now back to one. Monday I signed the papers for you to live with your dad full-time. You have been under his roof since April and it's been very difficult despite what you may think or perhaps what you've even been told by others. It's not the same with you gone… because aside from the throwing, the screaming, the kicking and the hitting… despite my telling you I'm not permitting your abuse…  you're still my baby… you're still the little boy I taught to blow bubbles, the boy I cared for with 104 temperatures and watched Bear In The Big Blue House with too many times to count.

I know some may think they won in this… but I see zero winners. I see zero victory. I see great loss no matter how it's looked at. I see a father who has an awesomely huge responsibility on his shoulders to finish raising a boy all on his own… I see a father who has positioned and perceived himself as the winner in this twisted mess he's manipulated and yet in that holds foolish thinking. I see a boy who needs to know his mom loves him despite anyone else telling him otherwise. I see a boy who will look back on this time at some point and come to know the truth… that he was used, that he was manipulated, that he was brainwashed. And he will come to know what was done to him and that he was merely a pawn… he will remember in hindsight the "private talks" he was given behind closed doors as his younger sister listened and then told me about. I see a boy who will grow up feeling cheated, jipped and scarred… by someone who was to love him. I see an innocent little boy who was told lies of "tell her you don't feel safe with her"… because that's all it takes today… for a child to say that one simple sentence and suddenly everyone is siding with the child… enabling their delusional state that was spurred by an alienating parent with a hidden toxic agenda.


I hope one day you come to know the truth… and yet it doesn't comfort me knowing that the truth will hurt you... again… because it will mean knowing what someone that is your own flesh and blood did to you… did to all of us. It will mean tears, hurt and maybe even rage, fury and bitterness… and my heart breaks for you… for all of us. I'm writing today to tell you that I struggled for a long time in signing those papers… despite my no longer being able to physically manage you… I've struggled with coming to terms with legally signing off for you to with your dad full-time… for him to have 100% custody. Because in others eyes what kind of mother am I to sign you over to someone that I know is not who he portrays himself to be? Yet I'm not a mother based on paper. I'm not a mother merely by a legal document. I'm not a mother defined by whether you live in my house or your dad's. I don't base being a mother in those terms or forms… that is what I finally came to the conclusion of. I base being a mother by what is in my heart. I don't care what others think. You will always be my baby and I don't need a document in hand to prove it or show it. I don't need to engage in a legal battle with your father to love you. I don't have to jump through his hoops, his attorneys, the courts or a mediators. I don't have to jump in front of a therapist either. They can all excuse my language, please forgive me, God… but they can all shit off. I have nothing to prove. I love you plain as can be and fighting your father is not on my calendar. I'm not dealing with him… I'm excusing myself from his ring of terror so to speak… I'm not jumping, I'm not chasing… I'm not continuing to subscribe to others admonitions and advice of "try this instead…", "well, maybe it would have worked if you'd only stood on your head facing this direction…" and "what about trying this?" I've endured months of that bs and I am done with it all.


I'm standing still. I'm standing in place. You know where I'm at and where to find me. Your father may think he's won. But he's losing. He's losing each and every day as the clock ticks… and time goes by... because karma is a (excuse me) nasty bitch and quite frankly one day he will have to answer to you and a higher power what he has done. He hasn't won. And if he thinks he has… that he's gained your sole love by attempting to obliterate the love you had for me… he's sadly mistaken.


So… now here we are… were going to go to counseling. I will sit and listen. I will listen to what you have to say. And the moment the words of "I don't feel safe with you" escape your lips I will listen, yes... but I will not agree to those words or any poisoned words against me via your dad. I won't agree with you being the messenger by him. I won't agree with any grandstanding or drama on your part facilitated by him. I will continue to sit and be there for you throughout the process and hear you out despite any disagreement on my part. I will continue to be there for you… even if it's from a distance… even if it's from across the room, across town… even if it's from the other end of the earth. I will always love you and one day I hope you realize it despite every calculated move someone tried to thwart it with.

A mom's love for her children can never ever be taken away despite any and all attempts by others.

I love you.


Love,  Mom 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

When The Ex Makes The Child "The Messenger"

When we grow up with an emotionally, verbally, perhaps even physically abusive parent we naturally have ambivalent feelings toward them. As children we may understandably have difficulty grappling with the fact that this person… the one who is to care for and keep us safe is actually inflicting great damage and hurt. In that we may waffle back and forth… one minute being frightened of their potential wrath and yet still obviously desiring their approval. As with all children we want our parents approval, affection and love… and daughter's very much want their dad's. This is why if a woman had a father who was less than involved or loving as a child she may then later turn to a man to fill that void she feels within. This unfortunately potentially leads to her becoming involved with a man who treats her as terribly as her father or even worse… hence the cycle continues and another generation suffers.


And yet in all this… as little girls we want our dad to show his love, care and affection for us. We want to know he hears us, he values us, that we have his loyalty and he has our back. I struggled for years with trying to make sense of the fact that my dad was not the healthiest person for me to be around… being strong willed and vocal about how his ways weren't the norm, him resisting my truth, yet my fearing his wrath… and deep down wanting his approval… it messes with a child emotionally. We grow up naturally wanting someone to feel safe with… and the value we place on emotional safety is huge. As a child we want to believe the best in the male role model in our life. It stands to reason while residing under the same roof we may not only scatter like scared kittens when we hear him on the angry prowl but yet yearn for him to know us. It's not really black and white… there is actually much gray area to muddle through and as kids we dissect it all… we analyze it to death… trying to figure out how we can appease our parent without getting annihilated in the process. It is without a doubt walking a fine line and one that causes much internal distress in a child.

Here's the truth…. 

A child who is truly wary of his or her parent still wants to please them on some level. They won't claim to "not feel safe"… but instead they struggle in an internal battle within… they see the horrible actions by this person yet they want them to be the parent they so desperately need them to be. Eventually… years down the road they may make that decision as an adult to cut ties with their abusive parent… but not without pain and a feeling of loss. 

Whereas a child who makes statements of "I don't feel safe with you" is being coached by an adult in their life… to be "the messenger"… a child who views one parent in a limited black and white perspective is not struggling with ambivalence but in reality alienation. 

What if a mother requests her son to please brush his teeth before bed? That would be a reasonable… even an expected request of any parent who is looking after their child's well-being… namely dental health. But instead the child reacts defiantly toward his mother… he refuses to brush his teeth and what's more… he retorts he "doesn't have to do anything she tells him to!" Now she's met with him lashing out… slamming his door, throwing things… attacking her upon her attempts to calm him down. Nothing works, his anger escalates and he injures her… bruises speckle her arms and legs along with hateful language spewed at her by him. 

He retreats to dad's…. to cool down and yes, his mother is perfectly fine with him doing so… at least for an interim of time because she's exhausted… mentally and physically spent from his tirade toward her. But as time passes the son realizes he wants to stay at dad's house… after all, dad's house doesn't have rules… he doesn't have to brush his teeth if he doesn't want to. 

Now mom is feeling rejected by her son… even if she can no longer physically handle his abuse toward her… understandably so, she feels hurt…. and her son's father is enjoying the satisfaction of having their son to himself… he's basking in the glow of being the "super dad"… the "rescuing dad"… the one who is happy to provide that safe place for their son to flee to… it's an ego stroke… because mom is so "unreasonable" and any other myriad of excuses he can possibly come up with. 

And yet… 

Mom has done nothing wrong. She simply set healthy boundaries, as we can see. She told her son he wasn't allowed to hurt others… to not inflict harm and pose as a threat to himself or family members. She set reasonable expectations of any child… brush your teeth and don't hurt people. And despite all that… she's the one who is being pegged at the "bad guy"… the "problem"… etc. 

So as a parent what do you do if your child is now viewing you with contempt? If they have been alienated from you? How do you handle coping with the fact your otherwise delightful and sweet child… perhaps at times your "challenging child"… erroneously perceives you to be some type of monster? As a parent we have to tread carefully here. We can certainly continue to call our child out on his or her rude, (and should) perhaps even downright nasty and contemptible behavior toward us. But we can do that with firm love. We can do that without anger, without yelling, without freaking out on them. We can very simply state "That's disrespectful"… "Please use a nicer tone when you're speaking to me"… "It hurts my feelings when your tone is rude toward me"…


This way we are addressing the specific actions of the child… we are stating that his or her words hurt… that yes, even as adults we have feelings as well… and in that we can tell our child… "It sounds like you're angry with me. Do you want to talk about it?" … or "Your tone seems irritated toward me…  I'd love to hear how you feel… but I need you to use a respectful tone please." It takes a strong parent to step in and teach character building skills of gentleness with their child who is treating them like yesterday's discarded newspaper when they may very well feel anything but charitable toward their child… there is deep rooted hurt within and no one blames you for being angry and hurt over it. But harboring those hurts doesn't help our child come back to us… instead it ultimately pushes them further away…  right into the arms of the alienating parent with a personal agenda.


Instead we can acknowledge that when our child is using hurtful words to wound us… it's not really our child who is using them. He or she is merely the messenger. We often want to "shoot the messenger"… but reminding ourselves that it's actually the words of our ex coming out of our child's mouth… it's our ex's manipulative ways and he's handed our baby the gun… our child is in a very real internal battle within… a battle of loyalty… we can keep this in mind… and when we do… we can view our child with love not frustration.


We may not have taken the steps we need to… we may have had difficulty seeing the situation for what it is… it may be difficult when entrenched in a situation emotionally for so long that we aren't able to see the bigger picture… but fret not… no need to wring your hands. You have today… you have tomorrow… we have a new day to begin again. And one day your child will look back and see your love for them… and they will know that you loved them enough to keep trying no matter what.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

sharing and commenting! 

The Non-Compassionate Parent & Their Agenda Of Evil

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

Love. 

Love brings us closer, it bridges two sides, it closes a gap, love involves truth, it's doing the right thing… putting aside self and selfishness and not having an agenda… instead, love is free... giving without expectation and without "deals" or keeping records. Love does not delight in evil… it does not delight in hurt, in threats or abuse of any kind, in division, in excluding, or alienation. Instead, love rejoices... it lives truth, it exudes purposeful compromise, it fosters a true desire in loving those around us. 

A parent who alienates his children is living in sin… he (or she) is focused on a self-driven, self-focused agenda, a plan of personal gain, in hurting others… versus living a life of walking in love… where he should be focusing on doing what is good and honorable; facilitating a relationship between his children and the other parent... instead he chooses to walk the path of darkness, of evil and do what is displeasing to God… to cause rift, to cause hurt, to cause agony and sorrow for others. When they willfully continue down the path of familial destruction we may question if they have truly accepted Christ as their Savior. If they continue to sin after others have pointed out the ruination they have orchestrated… maybe that they themselves even deep down realize… are they truly sorry for their sinful actions? Being a Christian is having a deep and personal relationship with Jesus Christ… it's being transformed… it's a desire of wanting to be transformed. And when we look to Christ for help… when we slowly see sin falling away in our life… when we want it to… when we feel deeply convicted each time we sin again, realizing we will be miserable until we repent… eventually we will make changes… we will see that we never want to go back to our old ways… that there was zero value in the old sinful ways we lived. 

If a parent is continuing to engineer parental alienation… one day their evil schemes will be revealed… slowly but surely it will come to light what they are doing… all areas of their life where sin resides will be revealed either by their own doing or others… maybe it already is… maybe you've heard through the grapevine… maybe you've heard things that he (or she) has done… perhaps you're hearing that others are finally noticing that the image of himself he wants to project to others is failing… the mask has slipped here and there behind closed doors… that the facade of who he wants you to believe he is doesn't match up with who's really there. One day… many will stand before Him who call Him Lord and the Lord will say:

Then I will tell them plainly, 

"I never knew you. 

Get away from me, 

you who practice evil!" 

International Standard Version

Matthew 7:23

The alienating parent is on the expressway to hell… 

A parent who disciplines his or her child truly loves their child… they know the value and importance of teaching their child right and wrong… the golden rule…  God's word. They know they are their child's first teacher and don't take that blessing or responsibility lightly. They know they are to enjoy their children, to nurture them, hug them, love them, yet in that love is teaching… teaching God's ways,  not the ways of the world with all it's promoting of self, image, glossy materialism, manipulation, and greed. They know that to spoil a child is to create a monster… to spare the rod is to do nothing but enable a child, to give power to someone who doesn't yet understand it, won't use it for good but for evil, and certainly won't grow to live a humble nature. Instead, sparing the rod and spoiling the child leads to a child becoming like the stunted adults in his or her life… demanding, screaming, belligerent, disrespectful, whiny, self-centered, greedy, manipulative, hostile, hateful and living in sin... blind to what's been created within them, blind to who they could be, blind to what's been done to them… blind to God and ensconced in a world of wretched disarray. 

what these children may not know is they have another parent that loves them very much… that truly loves them… that has a heart breaking at what is becoming of their child… that is not proud of who their child has become; at the hands of the evil one… and that they pray daily for intervention, for help that something will give… that someone will step in and reveal the parent for what they are, for what they've done. 

It's the inability for a parent to show his (or her) child compassion that is the hallmark trait of a manipulative alienating parent. When my daughter recently burst into tears over the fact she was not served dinner by her father because he was upstairs talking to his best friend on the phone all evening… when she found herself scrounging in the pantry like a desperate little forgotten animal of the night for something to eat because she's not old enough to operate an oven or stovetop herself…  the microwave being beyond her young grasp… it brought me to tears… when she admitted through sobs that her dinner that night consisted of Cheez-it's and cookies in her bed all alone… the mental picture of her sitting alone, feeling rejected, not cared for and lacking a basic need made me hurt deeply for her. Images of my hours spent in that kitchen at one time not but a few feet from her room flashed through my mind… remembering the many home-cooked meals I had lovingly prepared for her and her brother showed a stark contrast to her reality now. It could be argued all homes are different and that's true… and yet let the truth shine bright that reality is this: 

there is a vast difference 

between "different" 

and neglect… 

which is what her night 

was a reflection of 

So, parents… I tell you this… keep documenting, keep revealing what's being done… keep showing the truth… keep going, keep pressing on… and when you're bone tired and think to yourself:

 "I cannot keep going. I am spent." 

Look upward. 

Look upward to Heaven. 

Let the tears fall.

Let your need call out to Him. 

Let Him know you need Him. 

You don't have to do it all. 

Lean on Him. 

He is there. 

He loves you. 

And your child. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

             To My Readers: 

        Thank you for reading, 

       commenting and sharing!