Divorce: 3 Lessons Learned

 image “Hand Of A Man And Woman Tearing Apart Heart Symbol” by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Divorce

Yes, it is a life changer. Anyone who has been through it knows that with it comes a complete upheaval of your life. But it doesn't have to be all bad. For both men and women it has it's challenges, no doubt but with those we can remember to cling to several lessons divorce teaches us.

Lesson #1: 

Learn to trust yourself, your instincts and personal wisdom. 

Give yourself credit. 

After divorce we become better at choosing what behaviors we will and won't put up with. When we go through a divorce, unless it was amicable more than likely there was a significant unhealthy dynamic between us and our soon to be ex. Maybe one person was a narcissist, even worse a sociopath… in that case the personality disordered individual was downright toxic to be married to. Anyone who has experienced the toxic abuse of an ex knows firsthand the challenges in coping with someone who isn't healthy. That being said… when it comes to implementing no contact with an ex who has proved time and time again through his or her actions that you shouldn't engage with them… that thinking may very well carry over into other relationships as well. When I was invited to a reunion a few years ago, I declined going. One relative in particular was up in arms about it, attempting the guilt trip routine but I stood firm. Even my sister voiced her concerns I wasn't attending it. It wasn't until after she had fought highway construction, the added stress of finding an area she wasn't familiar with and terrible late night traffic with her young children in tow going and coming back to attend said reunion did she text me later that night saying I'd made the right choice and in hindsight she wish she'd declined as I had. There was zero ill will towards these relatives… it's just that jumping through hoops and giving of your time to be with folks who then behave indifferently isn't healthy. I had empathy for her, saw her effort and desire for a different outcome yet had known it wouldn't go well based on past actions. Just because we don't wish to engage with others doesn't mean we can't wish them well. We often learn to re-evaluate and value our time, our needs and wants more after giving too much to the wrong people. Tapping into our instincts we have about others is something we certainly have the right to and should do. Trust your gut. Forming boundaries with others is essential and not swaying when we shouldn't is even more vital. Divorce helps us become stronger, to say no more often and when needed, to take more initiative in our life as the captain of our own ship… we are fully capable of making the decision of who stays on board and who doesn't.

Lesson #2: 

Be the parent you always wanted to be and make your child's

 remaining childhood the best you can. 

After divorce we certainly have the opportunity to become better parents. If we had children during the course of our marriage we know if the union wasn't great that tension may have trickled into our parenting as well. Stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells from a toxic spouse may have left us snapping at our children or merely wanting to just zone out on the couch to decompress. Since being divorced I feel more relaxed in my parenting… meaning less stressed out. Once were single and rid of all the stress that we experienced before we may surprisingly and pleasantly find ourselves calmer and more connected with our children. Having more energy now that isn't expended on trying to calm or tip toe around an abusive/indifferent spouse leaves us with much more for our children. Creating a more peaceful environment for our children and having that extra energy for play means more opportunities to connect and have fun which translates to a happier, more well adjusted, nurtured child. At the end of the day children don't really care about living in the bigger house, having the nicer car or wearing the designer clothes… what they want are the three things money can't buy… their parents time, attention and love.

Lesson #3: 
Say goodbye to negative thinking patterns that do nothing but make you feel trapped. 
You hold the power to new thinking. 

Several times during the course of my divorce and in it's aftermath of finalization I began sinking into what I'd call catastrophic thinking. No one could really blame anyone for going into this negative mindset regarding divorce… there are many days we literally feel like we won't make it another day much less another hour. It's so incredibly easy for depression to set in… especially if were already prone to it due to family history, ADHD, etc. Catastrophic thinking is comparable to quick sand… you dip your toe in with one or a few bad self-defeating thoughts and before you know it… yikes, you're full blown drowning in that mess… and it's harder than heck to get yourself out of it once you're in it. 

Catastrophic thinking is the false idea that:

 "IT WON'T EVER GET BETTER!", "I CAN'T DO THIS!", "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MYSELF!", and "I'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE!", "NO ONE WILL WANT ME NOW!!", "I NO LONGER HAVE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY!", "WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOO?!", "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!", "I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD OUTBACK AGAIN!" (If you're addicted to Bloomin Onions you know that's a true concern).  But, seriously, deep breaths… it's no wonder you're perhaps thinking like this… you're going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE and that can send us into a spiral, to begin having panic attacks and needing reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I'm here to tell you today: 

 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 

Yeah, you might need to readjust the finances… more than likely you aren't going to be living at the same level you were. But you are still here. Deep breath. God is not done with you… you are here and when you can't take another step He will renew your strength to power on. You might need to frequent the Dollar store for your kids to have activities to do. You might need to live off canned chicken and dollar bread for awhile… mayonnaise and parmesan cheese might become luxury items. You might need to go without buying any new clothes for a year. Or two. Or three. You may have to sell items from your old life to pay for things you need in your new life. You may have a Birkin from your old life and yet be eating ramen noodles. It happens. 

Yes, you will meet new people… you're going to be pleasantly surprised when God puts certain people along your path that have been through similar trials… and who knows… you may meet someone who sings a song your sweet heart knows and even better… fall in love with him or her and share a new life you are both blessed to live. 

The next time catastrophic thinking knocks at your door… realize that's a conversation the devil wants to engage you in… it's a talk that goes nowhere but down and takes you with it. Rebuke those negative thoughts and remember that nothing remains exactly the same… were all in motion… even in tiny steps… were all moving forward and circumstances that seem hopeless today will change and improve bit by bit. God has you and even in the darkest days He is there. 

You aren't worth less because divorce has caused your life to change. The things you can and cannot do don't define you. Your faith, your courage in the midst of uncertainty and pressing on… being there for your children and taking care of yourself so they have the best mommy or daddy possible is what matters. Your perspective will shift. Those fancy pillows at Pottery Barn won't seem so important… that gotta have it piece of jewelry at Macy's won't be a priority… divorce forces us to get back to basics… to making popsicles for our kids, playing tic-tac-toe and reading outside on a blanket under a shade tree. Hug your children and remember more than ever they need you right now… that's why it is so important to practice self care during and even in the aftermath of divorce. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, (nap if you need to) take your medications regularly as prescribed, pray, exercise, take Vitamin D, eat as healthy as possible and take time for yourself… sports, movies, whatever helps you decompress… reading, bubble bath, funny sitcoms, crafting, gardening, journaling, etc. If you believe you are depressed seek the help of your doctor in finding a medication that would best suit you… have your Vitamin D levels checked and make sure you have a support system in place of people that know and understand what you're going through. Check out DivorceCare at a local church if you're not already a member… it's extremely helpful to find people who will share their faith and similar circumstances for support and fellowship. 

Divorce is a life changer no doubt. 

But one of the best things about it is now you are the leading lady or man. 

Not your ex husband. 

Not your ex wife. 

Not your ex-mother in law.

It's your time now.
It's your time to dive into who you were destined to be… 
It's a new beginning… 
Be brave… 
Take God by the hand and jump in. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

Moving on after a breakup, 
a divorce, what have you,
 can be incredibly difficult… 
but thank goodness
 it is totally doable… 
and with a few tips we can 
have a smoother transition 
from the despairing sniffles of: 
"Oh My Gosh WHAT happened to my life?!" 
to: 
 "Okay I LOVE this new life!"

10 Tips For Moving On:

1. With numerous posts on going No Contact it's no surprise this one makes the list. It can do us no good to keep one foot in the past and one in the future.


2. Getting off Facebook… at least for awhile. Seeing other's posts of their wonderful marriages (or perhaps delusions they have one) may send you either into a wallowing of self pity or retching in the toilet from jadedness. Once you're past the storm and firmly rooted (and thriving) in your new life Facebook may be more enjoyable.


3. There will be a day you are caught off guard that you're happy. That you're truly happy. It may be finding yourself giggling at something… or walking to your car after work and feeling the sun hit your face as you grip the check you earned that goes into your solo bank account… or maybe it's finding yourself humming to a song and feeling light again. Whatever it is, take joy in it… take joy that divorce didn't destroy you. That you're still here and happily thriving. You may throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your passions, your children, etc and find that life really does not just continue after a breakup but can actually become better.


4. Counting our blessings are something that comes with going through a storm and coming out the other side wiser and stronger. So often we hear that God won't give us more than we can handle… but that's simply not true. If He only gave us what we could handle we wouldn't need Him, we'd be self sufficient. Instead, no matter what happens in our life God is there with us and will guide us through… we just have to trust him despite any doubts. When we emerge out of the darkness into the light we can breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for being there with us and for everything we have.


5. Sometimes folks can find themselves addicted to people who are not good for them. Kinda like unhealthy foods, drugs or alcohol… it may be a struggle to completely cut the cord from someone who is not healthy but it's doable and so worth it. (Here is a link to a recommended book) Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, is a sign of instability, dependency and toxicity. Remember that you deserve a love that is healthy and not abusive in any way shape or form. And the alternative of having no one is way better than being with someone toxic.

6. Reflection. It is so incredibly important when it comes to your breakup, divorce, etc. Yes, your ex may be certifiably crazy, I get it. But there are things we can all reflect on that we could have done differently. Now I look back on dinners during my marriage and wonder why I went to so much effort back then. I cooked meals that were often met with: "Oh, I already ate, I had a late lunch at three, I'm not hungry." Yes, it was incredibly insensitive; there is this little invention called a phone (take note). It wasn't like I was serving spam or something… I was making baked chicken complete with Italian breadcrumbs, green beans, red potatoes and rolls with chocolate cake for dessert. If I had it to do over; I'd have just picked up ready made meals from the local high end marketplace, warmed it and said "Come and get it if you want it!" I would have shopped way less on decorative "stuff" for the house and instead when my cd player went out in the SUV just promptly driven it to the dealership and said "I need this repaired, please. Put it on my husband's credit card, thank you." We can each realize what areas we went above and beyond, what areas we personally lacked in (for me it would have been needing to take action, not waiting for him) and where adjustments (and different reactions) needed to be made. *There is no "different or right reaction" to abuse; it's wrong, period. You didn't cause it to occur. No one can make someone else change their ways; we are each responsible for ourselves. 


7. Realize that whatever you think may be in black and white terms. (Yet this can change). As women we may think to ourselves: "All men are slime. All men are no good, lying, sorry cheaters."

(Men may think the same of women).  I told God this on more than one occasion during my divorce process. Imagine my surprise how we can then be placed amongst people whom God uses to prove us wrong. I really think He often sits up there listening to us down here spew gibberish in the heat of frustrated hurt and anger and goes: "Oh really? Hmm, okay, we'll see." God may place new male figures in our life that are highly empathetic, caring, safe and genuinely selfless… and yes, they are so very needed and much appreciated. We can thank God for these men and women placed in our lives… whenever we begin going down a path of black and white thinking there is always someone ready to prove us wrong.


8. Cherish this time with your children if you have them in your life and they haven't been alienated from you by your ex. Pray for their continued healing and well being. Have the tough conversations and encourage openness. This is a time to connect and develop an even deeper bond than before. Time will pass as we all know much too quickly and we don't want to look back realizing not only was our children's childhood affected by their parents splitting but forever further affected by an absent parent who wouldn't/didn't spend time with them. 

9. Remember the good in your relationship (if there was any) and realize that it's perfectly okay to enjoy looking back on the good memories… that they aren't a betrayer to how nasty the relationship was at times or perhaps ended. It's fine to admit that you really enjoyed that vacation to San Diego together, that he (or she) was good about making sure your vehicle's oil was changed, or that she was a good cook and maybe you miss that. 

10. It's so important in going through the aftermath of a breakup to feel all of the emotions involved and to realize that just like the process of moving on after a death it's not linear… there will be ups and downs. It won't be overnight, it won't be a clean and precise upward climb but the good news is you don't have to rush it, your time line is specific to you. And the best part is once you have made it to the top of that mountain you will smile with uninhibited JOY… no amount of people from your marital past can tear you down. You have been in the pit. God was with you the whole way out… like a butterfly you've escaped the dark confines of the cocoon and now fly on the wings of freedom and renewal. You are firmly planted in your story of triumph and your journey is not over... God has given you the grace, power and strength despite all the pain and doubts to proclaim without hesitation: "I give praise and glory to God!" 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS

Dear Divorced Man or Woman: There Is A Place For You

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & "Yes" To Love Again

Single Life: How You Feel Is Perfectly Okay

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

“Help Sign” by nongpimmy via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

March 20th, 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

It was a late Friday afternoon… I'd just picked up my daughter from school and as we made our way through sheets of March rain, the windshield wipers swiped back and forth, the sound of water rushing on either side of the SUV's tires. Water was quickly beginning to flood the streets and yet I pressed forward with caution trying to avoid the worst spots that were pooling in the right lane we were in.


From the backseat my daughter was in the midst of telling me about her week spent at her dad's house with her brother. As she spoke I felt dread rising up in me. These conversations were of situations I never thought for a second my children would be experiencing one day when I decided to have a family.


"… Mommy, this woman that Daddy picked up from the airport, she stayed at our house. She's from London, so she had an accent. And she slept in Daddy's bed!"


"Uh, huh…" I murmured, sick of hearing how once again he was setting a simply stellar example for our two children. I sighed, sitting at the red light waiting for it to change so we could continue.


The radio played softly…

… Yeah I want to feel the sunshine
Shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and took two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I want to love somebody, love somebody like you

Oh here we go now, ooo, yeah,
Hey I want to love ya baby,
Oh oh, oh oh ...

Read more: Keith Urban - Somebody Like You Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I WANT TO STAND IN THE SUN, 

I thought to myself… 

"But you won't believe this!" She continued, "He tells me she has a three year old daughter. So I was like "Well, then where is her daughter if she's here? I mean, who is watching her kid?" And he tells me "I guess her husband." "

"SHE'S MARRIED???!!!"

I nearly shriek, 

my hands griping the wheel. 

Green light

 I hit the gas and I glance 

in the rearview mirror. 

She nods at me with affirmation.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BUT HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! I thought to myself… This is NOT moral behavior! This is NOT acceptable! His behavior is out of control! THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!!!! It was like the whole world had gone mad, like I had hopped down the rabbit hole and I was Alice wondering what everyone else had had to drink. 

Pulling over to the bank parking lot I slip into a spot and sit.
I was suddenly too tired to go in and make my deposit.

The wipers go back and forth, rain continuing to come down hard. Dressed in gray skinny jeans, boots, jean jacket, and a now wrinkled white shirt that I'd turned back the sleeves on, I rest my forearms on the taupe leather steering wheel, leaning in and put my head down and weep. I cannot believe this is my children's childhood. All this mess. All this nonsense. Would it ever stop? He had zero control… no, strike that… he CHOSE to have zero control over his physical urges. Tears slipped out and silence engulfed us as I wept. It was bad enough he had cheated, it was bad enough he'd continued to parade his sex life around our children during and post divorce with women who were single… but now this? A married woman? It seemed there was nothing off limits. It was bad enough that he chose this path on his own time, at his own discretion, but in front of our children? That was what upset me. It was sickening for any parent, man or woman to have to witness the effects of these actions on their child time and time again… thinking that this is moral behavior for an adult in their life. 

Hurt for my children struck my heart and as Keith Urban sung his country melody, his voiced wafting through the vehicle, I just wanted someone to hold me. Two strong arms to melt into and someone to say "I'm here." I wanted a person to not attempt to fix something they couldn't, but just say:

"This sucks. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Maybe that's what I needed to tell my daughter. So I began telling her what I myself needed to hear. That yes, baby, this sucks but we are trying to get through it the best we can and you know what? I am here, I'm not going anywhere. And that God was too. I thought to myself, This is all so out of control… I don't even KNOW what to pray for anymore! God, I just pray for whatever you see fit! Just whatever this needs please intervene! 

Sometimes our prayers in the pit of despair are comparable to throwing up our arms and simply asking for whatever intervention is needed. God always knows what is needed, what can be seen through the fogginess of a circumstance because He is all knowing... nothing is too big for Him to handle, for He can create change, He can turn tables, He can calm troubled waters in an instant, He can do anything at all... we just need faith no matter how small. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

When your burdens seem big as mountains and you find yourself wondering what on earth to pray for, take heart in knowing you are not alone… the truth is God already knows when we need comfort and interceding. Romans 8:26-27 promises us that we will helped when we are filled with weakness and despair, when we don't even know where to begin in our prayers. All we need to do when we are at a loss of words is ask that God hear our groans, our unspoken cries. 

Romans 8:26

New International Version (NIV)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

5 Tips In Talking To Your Child

About Their Parent's Poor Behavior: 

1. Be honest with them. If a child asks about a parents behavior, whatever it may be, don't lie. It sets a terrible example and only serves to set enabler-type behavior by covering for the other parent. Explain simply the amount of information that is age appropriate and that is acceptable to share. 

2. Acknowledge the fact that the behavior is negatively affecting everyone and that the child has every right to be angry, sad, disappointed about it. Remind your child that they always have you to talk to about it when needed and they are NOT alone. 

3. Encourage your child that they can pray for the person but that it's also important that they practice self care; they can journal when/if they are struggling. 

4. Remind your child that yes, all families have problems, that there is no perfect family. However, also stress the severity of how the parent's behavior does impact all family members. 

5. Affirm to the child that the parent's behavior is NOT their fault. They didn't cause it nor is it their job to take on the responsibility of the parent getting their act together. 

Divorce & Loneliness: 7 Tips

February 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

What time was it? I stirred and shielded my face from the bright sunlight streaming in the bedroom… squinting, I peered at my iPhone through bleary eyes and saw it was eight o'clock in the morning. It was midweek and I had the day off work…stretching, I was so relieved to have the day to do whatever I wished. The night before I had stayed up late with my mother watching a movie starring Sandra Bullock… Hope Floats… that had to be the most sad, depressing movie regarding divorce yet sadly reality for so many. The movie had entailed lots of tears, Kleenex and discussion afterward.


I heard my mother busy in the kitchen making breakfast… the scent of pancakes with fresh blueberries and maple syrup from Vermont wafted throughout the house. Rising from bed and pulling on a black PINK sweatshirt emblazoned in white with 1986 on it and fixing my hair back into a new and improved messy bun I wandered into the kitchen where she was busy at the stove.

"Hey!" She greeted me cheerily, busy ladling another spoonful of gluten-free pancake batter onto the hot griddle… the batter beginning to pop and sizzle.

"Hey, good morning…" I told her with a smile, reaching for a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, milk and then a bowl and spoon.

"Did you message that guy?" She asked me, referring to some guy who a dating site had alerted me to via email that had reached out… a dating site I had discontinued using months ago but for whatever reason still received occasional alerts from. Late last night I had taken the time to log back in and check out his profile.

"No… I checked out his profile but didn't respond." I told her.

"Why didn't you? I thought you were going to." She said with surprise.

Silence.

Finally I spoke… "I don't know why, really. I mean, on paper he sounds great. Everything looks good thus far. The first guy I can say that about. I don't know…" I trailed off in thought. Since being divorced, aside from work, life had been primarily breakfast with friends, play dates for my daughter, meeting my sister for taco's, lots of movie nights in, exercise and naps…  life had been a continual loop of the warm, familiar and comforting… and the thought of deviating from that known cycle seemed comparable to being released into the wild, being yanked from a cocoon of sorts and it somewhat terrified me quite frankly.

She looked over at me, then sliding her spatula under the warm and golden pancake on the griddle to flip it… "Is everything okay? I mean, I don't care if you message him or not… I'm not saying to message him, I'm not saying not to… I'm just wondering why you seemed like you were going to and now you seem like you don't want to."

"Yeah…" I exhaled, "Ughhhh… I don't know… he's sending smiles and questions and I'm just...." I trailed off and poked at the cereal swimming in my bowl and shrugged, "I'm torn…. part of me, I just don't want to go to the effort because I'm enjoying doing my own thing right now. Then part of me is like… it would be nice to have someone of quality character with a daughter or two to hang out with..." I told her, thinking of my daughter. "Maybe at the end of the day I'm just apprehensive."

I planned on thinking it over… the truth was, I was incredibly cautious as I should be… my walls were up and careful scrutiny was high regarding anyone these days, as hindsight is 20/20. These days I listened much more carefully, observed actions and listened to my intuition… learning to trust our own gut instincts again is vital in the recovery of narcissistic sociopathic relationships… as the sociopaths weapon of choice is to make you doubt yourself in all interactions with them and others. I knew it was vital for anyone who had been in such a toxic relationship to take the time needed to become healthier, more confident in relying on those internal warnings our instincts gave us regarding others who have hidden agendas.

In Divorce Care classes we had discussed the issues regarding dating out of loneliness post divorce… how that proves to be catastrophic to anyone in the aftermath of the dissolution of a marriage… the truth is… only once we are securely happy with being on our own can we begin being with someone else... otherwise we never know if we're choosing someone to merely fill a deep internal void. I loved being on my own so if I dipped my toes in, friendship would be pursued, not a romantic relationship… as I believed what the experts said… that pursuing friendship first sets the foundation for a successful relationship long term.

********************

It's perfectly fine to make your kids your number one priority post divorce along with your healing process. Many seem to give divorced folks well intentioned advice to "get back out there" pronto,  yet that advice can often deliver quite the disservice. The truth is… we need time to figure out who we are sans husband or wife… it takes time to figure out just what we want, to grow individually, to heal from wounds inflicted by our ex and to recover financially to stand on our own two feet.

The worst thing we can do post divorce
 is cave into dating someone out of loneliness.
 It is the kiss of death for a relationship
 before it's even begun. 

If we are experiencing loneliness it may very well be an indicator we are not spending any time or not enough time with God. Will God allow us to feel lonely when He knows we need to spend time with Him? Yes, quite possibly. Even if we try to fill our loneliness with social activities, with dinners and gabfests on the phone, God will always be there desiring his turn with us. He is a jealous God who loves us. Even if we turn to others to fill that gap, that void in our lives, so we don't feel quite so alone... in the depths and darkness when night falls, it's just us with our own thoughts and the crickets chirping outside our window... and God...  people only provide temporary relief here in this life… like a bandaid they are not a complete and total fix. God is ever-lasting, all en-compassing and an endless resource to us when it comes to companionship, affectionate love and comfort.

A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

When we feel lonely we can turn to God, not out of guilt because there isn't any sin in experiencing loneliness… like many other feelings; disappointment, sadness, etc, we can absolutely feel a full range of human emotions… it's when we begin to make poor choices that stem from loneliness that causes the issue. God wants us to turn to him for comfort and support when we are suffering, as there is zero shame in admitting to him we are struggling whether it be loneliness or depression, etc in the aftermath of a break-up.

Only God can satisfy our aching 

longing heart within, no one 

else no matter how they try. 

When God created Eve he created companionship for Adam… God saw that man should not be alone… but we also aren't to date or marry simply out of loneliness. We must be able to enjoy being on our own and only after having Christ be first in our life can we then even think of joining with someone else in marriage. Instead of trying to find someone here on earth to assuage our loneliness we can turn to God, pour out our hearts to Him and reveal all our feelings however negative allowing Him to fill any gaps, provide comfort and healing.

Trust him, turn to him in faith that he will fill the inner aches within and that his promises for you are for good not harm. Only once we put our trust in Him, when we look to him for companionship, for comfort, strength and to share our heart, our life, our innermost yearnings can we then be complete to love another.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2015

7 Things To Remember 

Regarding Loneliness: 

1. According to experts it takes roughly 3 years to heal from a divorce. When we put ourselves on a quick timeline to heal we rush the process and possibly stunt it.

2. When we allow others in our life however well meaning to dictate rushing into another relationship, setting us up on blind dates, seeking a romantic connection we risk making poorly suited choices out of loneliness. 

3. Post divorce we may receive calls and messages from well meaning folks of the opposite sex saying if they were single they'd be with us/marry us in a nano-second. These well meaning comments possibly meant to raise our spirits can often can make us feel more alone behind closed doors. Remember that each of us is worthy of love and Christ showed us the ultimate act of love; dying for us. 

4. When we're lonely the worst times may be at night when couples are sharing their days, cuddling, watching tv together and going out. Now isn't the time to dismiss any loneliness. It's better to admit we are lonely and embrace it than push it away, making the healing process longer. 

5. Abstaining from alcohol is wise when we're lonely.

6. Sometimes we're loneliest when we're in social settings when everyone else is coupled off. You are not the odd one out, the rejected one; don't listen to the lies of the devil... you are a valuable person who is fully capable of love, who did love and can do so again. 

7. It may feel like life is just passing us by if we're lonely simply because we don't have someone to share it with. But this time right now is precious. One day you may be married again... take advantage of this possibly fleeting time to do some things you've wanted to do. 

Related Posts:

Divorce: 6 Practical Tips For Healing 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorce-practical-tips-for-healing.html

Healing Post Divorce & Beginning Again 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/09/healing-post-divorce-beginning-again.html

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & Yes To Love Again 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/09/saying-goodbye-to-your-ex-to-love-again.html

Divorcing The Sociopath: 3 Tips

April 2014

***********************

This post was originally posted in 2014 but has been updated 

He wouldn't say who he was and what he needed…. I called through the door asking him. I was prepared to call the police and have him hauled off the property... his banging on the door had continued even after he rang the doorbell twice. Then it abruptly stopped. Curious, I peeked through the peephole, then window and watched as he angrily strode back to his vehicle parked on the street and got in.

Throwing on a faded baseball cap, sunglasses and grabbing my purse with lightning speed I left… backing the SUV out, down the driveway and onto the street and as I did I could hear him yelling after me, calling me by my name… now running after my vehicle waving papers in the wind… papers that unbeknownst to me at that time were for a modification. I studied him in my rear view mirror... I now knew exactly what he was.

HE'S A PROCESS SERVER.

************************

When dealing with a sociopath it is quite the undertaking you have. It will be an uphill battle and some days you will surely feel as though the gains you made up that mountain were thwarted by him (or her) and now you may find yourself tumbling backwards to the very bottom. But don't fret… no need to wring your hands just yet and consider it a futile fight. This path will be battles lost… the focus is on the war… knowing when to act, when to stand still and when to just walk off.


You don't have to put on boxing gloves (tempting, I know). You do need to be smart. You are dealing with someone who is not what would be considered smart but cunning… there is a difference. He or she is capable of spinning, twisting and projecting. He (she) has a whole bag of dirty tricks in his or her repertoire and will not hesitate to use them. Yes, you may have days you feel as though you are living in a cable channel suspense movie. Don't allow yourself to be rash, do not let yourself do something in the heat of the moment, do not say or write anything in impulsive anger… I know this can be difficult; emotions are running high and the Narc/Sociopath likes to bait their targets but I share this because it will always, always bite you in the butt. Anything you say, write/email can be used against you in the courtroom. If you don't want your family or the judge seeing it I'd advise against doing it. 


There are vital things you need to know about how to go about divorcing a sociopath, dealing with child custody, retaining an attorney and going to court… here are some things to keep in mind.


3 TIPS:

1. Hiring An Attorney:

It is so imperative to consult with numerous attorneys. Initial consults (sometimes they are free) with several attorneys is so vital. There are questions you need to ask them. If you are the Petitioner (the one who files for divorce) you are already at a lesser advantage. The reason for that is because you don't know who your soon to be ex (who is the Respondent) will hire… and he will likely hire his attorney BASED on his case outcomes with YOUR attorney. The first thing he will ask is: "How do you typically fare with attorney so and so?"

Being the one to file… you're choosing first so it's imperative to choose an attorney wisely. Changing attorneys mid-case is sometimes done but it will be extremely expensive and will require catching your new attorney up on your case. When you hire an attorney you need to inform he or she that your soon to be ex is of a manipulative nature based on their actions. If you've "diagnosed" him or her yourself via internet research… an attorney or the court will consider it inadequate as you are not a professional. In court you could be painted as delusional... even a qualified therapist who believes your ex is a psycho and you're the better parent and should have more possession time with your children will be questioned by opposing counsel. 

Our children's therapist who was very experienced and had affirmed to the court I should have more time with the children versus my ex was put in the hot seat; opposing counsel actually had the audacity to minimize his credentials and experience by pointing out he'd never written a book. I was appalled and felt bad for him. 

The court looks at behavior, actions etc and even those must be extreme to take time away from a parent.

{The BEST scenario is if you can get your sociopathic spouse in couples counseling for awhile (BEFORE filing) with a seasoned therapist (20+ years experience) that will hopefully diagnose your spouse for what he or she is. After you've been in counseling for a few sessions you can always make an appointment for yourself to discuss their thoughts.} 

This next part is ESSENTIAL… if your attorney laughs at you that your soon to be ex is manipulative, if he or she just dismisses you and acts as though you're neurotic, exaggerating, etc… RUN. Do not hire them. Ask how they typically do working with most attorneys, with the judges, etc. Keep in mind they may merely tell you what you want to hear. No one ever tells you that much of how your divorce ends is contributed to the many personalities thrown in the mix. Whatever you do don't let opposing counsel make all the decisions; you don't want them choosing the mediator. If your soon to be ex is a sociopath… he or she WILL likely hire a sociopathic attorney. His attorney will play dirty, he will be a snake, a pit bull, what have you. You need an attorney who knows what your ex is capable of and believes you and can fight smart if needed. It is unbelievable how often in court your attorney will need to speak up on your behalf and won't because they don't know your case well enough. You may be standing there at the bench before the judge thinking: "Wait a minute… what about scenario such and such? How come my attorney is not bringing this up?" This is your time and your chance. You need to speak up and get your attorneys attention (via post it note, whatever) or ask to speak. Otherwise the judge will only hear what your attorney shares and that might be only half the picture. If you have an attorney who wants to avoid court and won't ever fight for you… who only wants you to bend and bend and acquiesce to your ex no matter what he or she does, who is very passive… ditch them, find a new one or represent yourself.

If you have a diagnosis (written) from a psychologist make a copy and present it to your attorney and court. You can request a psychological evaluation ordered from the court but realize that if your spouse does an evaluation more than likely you will have to as well. It's expensive. Sociopaths will lie in court (yet look genuinely nice, respectable and like a caring parent) and they may have the ability to pass testing trying to prove they are one. He will accuse you (and his attorney) of anything he can dream up… stuff that is just laughable to you and your family and friends who know you well. Keep your emotions in check in the courtroom especially… the judge doesn't know you and is trying to get a first impression. Keep calm, be respectful, stick to FACTS. Opposing counsel will try the tactic of attacking your character based on lies versus facts. Have all your documentation ready to hand to the judge.


2. Documentation & Witnesses:

Check if you can record phone calls (you may have something on your cell phone that will record phone calls, if not, there are apps for that…. (I use SuperNote) or you can buy an old fashioned hand held recorder and put the call on speaker phone. Recordings may or may not be legal; check your state/jurisdiction for whether you can record. Recordings may not be permissible in court but they come in really handy for taking notes on conversations for documentation. Whatever you choose it's important to record any calls if you must have them with a sociopath. Remember, no contact is always best. Second best (for co-parenting) is communication done only by OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents (check online for these sites) Then document the incidents in some form, keeping it all organized… by date is always good or by type of incident.

If you have to meet the sociopath (child exchange) take someone with you… it's good to have a witness. (McDonalds or the police station in the case of abuse are good neutral locations to meet). Family is good but a friend is better… someone who has known you a long time and knows your character. 

From personal experience there will be people who seem to scatter and run like scared kittens during your divorce/child custody battle, suddenly forgetting your name and phone number. Often these people cry "I don't want to get involved!" the minute you begin asking them for information or help. These people… don't trust them further than you can throw them. They may be being paid off by the sociopath, (they may BE a sociopath, maybe they were promised something like a job or have even been intimate with your estranged spouse behind your back… you just never know… (either way, even if that's not the case, they aren't standing up to do the "right thing") Being married to a sociopath is bad enough but divorcing one is even more life altering… people will continue to amaze you and who you THOUGHT you knew you may realize you really didn't. People will be weeded out of your life as the process goes on. Be on guard and vigilant in who you trust. Weed out your Facebook. And remember, if needed you can have people subpoenaed for court if need be if it would help your case, just check with your attorney.


3. Tips Regarding Kids:


Last, but certainly not least… your kids. Be extremely careful of any phone or electronic device your children bring into your home when they are with you. It may have a listening device. I know some may think this thinking is reaching or even ridiculous. But having been married to someone who is very technology savvy and once hacked a well known phone and cable service providers website, we really can't put anything past them. Checking your children's dolls, bears, backpacks, etc will help you have peace of mind. The sociopath will do anything he can to know what steps you are taking and stay ahead of them. I wouldn't allow phones, an itouch, etc in your home... or if you must when they aren't in use stuff them in a blanket in a closet or in the garage. May sound extreme but a sociopath has 2 points of focus: Punish you and to win AT ALL COSTS. Keep this in mind.


We can remember to not ever tell our children on the phone while they are in the ex's care "Next week when I see you I'll take you to go see such and such movie" or "Would you like to go eat at your favorite restaurant next week?" A sociopath will overhear this (it's probably a recorded call on his end) and then immediately take them to go do exactly what you said you were going to do with them. Personal experience here. Don't ever share your plans. He or she WILL wreck them and it's on purpose.


Don't say anything about your soon to be ex around your children. If they say anything about him just listen and use the go-to reply of:  "I'm glad you can open up and tell me how you feel. I love you" and then change the subject following with a hug, etc. Document what was said if it was negative. Focusing on listening to your child, that they are communicating with you, giving them comfort, etc is what you can do to be supportive but leave the commentary and bad mouthing off limits. Remind them that their feelings are okay! It's perfectly normal for them to feel mad, sad or disappointed, etc. As adults we can tell our children: "You know sometimes I feel like x,y, z too!" Affirm to them that it's healthy to express their feelings and you will listen to them anytime. Remind them so often the divorce is not their fault.


It's important to find a middle ground when it comes to talking to your kids about their past week or weekend with their dad once they are back at your house. The first day or so can be a little awkward in the beginning of a divorce… after all, everyone, from attorneys to the court system is so "Don't say this! Don't say that!" And that can be intimidating, no doubt. I know during the first few weeks I was like: What are we supposed to talk about? It seemed everything was off limits. No, you can't bad mouth their dad, etc. I do understand many people are then scratching their head going "Ummmm…. okay… then just what CAN I ask? What can I talk about?" I know it can feel that way, especially at first as you begin to navigate this new world.

Here are some ideas… Don't interrogate your children. Asking them twenty questions will make you feel like a reporter and put them on the defensive. Yet saying nothing… asking them zero questions makes for an incredibly awkward situation as well… because then the kids are thinking… "Okay, mom  (or dad) isn't asking me anything. Can I NOT say anything? Do I have to keep everything separate???" No, they don't. And it's not healthy for them to think they have to. A good general rule of questions are... "So how was your week?", "Did you get to try any new places to eat this past week?", "Did you eat at your favorite pizza place last weekend?", "How was the movie Dad (or mom) took you to see? Tell me all about it!", "How was school? Did you ace your spelling test?" General questions like these put your child at ease... you're asking about their week and they will open up bit by bit... and if there is anything concerning that crops up about their other parent.... document, document, document. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

Related Posts:

Divorce/Child Custody Trial: Tips For Moms

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/divorcechild-custody-trial-tips-for-moms.html

Divorce/Child Custody Trial: Tips For Moms - Part 2

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorcechild-custody-trial-tips-for.html

Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html

Single? Divorced? Married? A Status Does Not Define You

image by gps grace power strength 

I'm taking a Divorce Care class again. Some might say it's redundant to repeat the course but I've been surprised by the number of people who choose to take it again. It's been nice seeing familiar faces and catching up on how everyone is progressing along with a few new folks. My perspective is different this time versus the last course… last time I was a ball of hurt, tears and pain… not really wanting to share much but really just observe and listen. This time it's with more peace, calm, a renewed outlook, distance and clarity. It's being able to turn to someone and say "Oh, yes, I felt like that too… I totally feel your pain, I knew that phase, feeling, etc, well. It will get better." Each time we have the ability to walk away with learning something new with wherever we are situated in our healing.


Single? Divorced? Married? 

Last week's class was the topic of anger and the group discussion turned into an interesting one. In the class there is a couple who are each divorced from other people but now married to one another. They are each individually still working through the aftermath of their divorces. In that the wife admitted even though she's re-married she will always feel divorced. She stated that her divorce is not simply wiped away now that she's married… however happily. Her husband took issue with that noticeably by his outward expression in response. I wondered if that hurt him, as if it took away from what they had… I don't believe for a minute that she meant it in anyway whatsoever to hurt him. I think I understood what she meant. She further explained that when we get any type of form to fill out there are always a few categories to choose from… single, married, divorced, etc. She said those forms drive her crazy because she doesn't really feel like she fits into any one criteria. She said before she met her current husband and was single after the finalization of her divorce she felt single but not in the way she did when she was twenty-something prior to her first marriage. She didn't feel as though the choice of "single" post divorce really fit. Then she said she didn't really want to choose divorced because she was single… it was like a catch 22. Once she married a second time she checked "married" but still couldn't shake the fact she would always be divorced. Being divorced didn't sum her up, it didn't define her, yet it would always be a part of her and who she was, it was a part of her personal history… as there was no erasing it. She laughed that perhaps whoever comes up with these forms should make another category like "Been there, done all that!" I laughed at that with the others appreciatively and ruefully thought a "Now Free, Thank God!" category would also be appropriate. Nonetheless, I certainly got where she was coming from and could appreciate her perspective.


Our discussion in the group is food for thought. Are we letting the fact we are divorced define us? True, like in my Divorce Care group divorce is a large part of our history if we've experienced it… it is long, painful and demands to be dealt with. There is still a stigma even today with being divorced. I was absolutely shocked at the stigma regarding divorce today… at least towards women… I can't speak for men, as I'm not one, only the guys can… but there is something about a divorced woman in a room that clears out the couples speedy quick. It seems others may view you as potential interference to a marriage… which is so far from the truth, at least from my view. Most of us as divorced women are so glad to live in peace (finally!) if we've lived marriages that were toxic that simply working and raising children (sometimes on our own) takes up a lot of our energy… rest assured, the majority of us at least, are not after anyone's husband.



A Status Doesn't Define You… 

Whether were married or divorced we don't have to let our status define us. We don't have to give into labels summing up who we are or who others think we are. Just because we accept a proposal, a beautiful ring and lovely words of sentiment, promises of forever and ever… doesn't mean that we are then deemed worthy. It doesn't mean then that we are worthy of love, that we are "chosen", "special" or superior. We were chosen way, way before we were ever a gleam in someone else's eye of affection. Reality is… we are worthy in God's eyes… we are defined by his love for us… He says we are his beautiful one, his son or daughter. On social media today, especially Facebook we see relationships being defined by "In a relationship", "It's complicated", "Single", "Married", "Divorced", etc. We see the joining of two people, we see break-ups of couples, we see it all… but those don't really define us. What defines us is "In a relationship with Christ"… maybe they need that option.

New International Version

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. 

He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, 

but will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

I admit when I was initially married I thought being married and having children was a destination reached that was loftier, better than one of being single. Being married seemed so grown up. So adult. As the years dragged on… after years of feeling controlled… heck, lets face it, being controlled… I was beyond tired of always feeling like I was never enough… always feeling used, always feeling like a trophy of sorts by him… he worked too much and was gone much of the time, he stonewalled and shut me down, everything was a "deal" to be made… selfless, giving love did not exist under our roof by him… I was always indebted, walking on eggshells and I was utterly exhausted. The single life started looking pretty good… seeing my best friend completely independent in an apartment with her own belongings, living her own schedule, making her own decisions, at times I felt twinges of jealousy of her single life. It's no surprise in hindsight as my marriage was not the epitome of love but instead emptiness and tension with hurtful actions and words. True, there were good days interspersed but the anxiety of dealing with him often overshadowed them. Marriage can only be good when both people are healthy and doing the necessary work. Today do I believe marriage is superior to single hood? Not a bit. Nor do I believe single hood is superior to marriage. Even in the best of circumstances marriage and being single come with undeniable blessings and challenges, they are each so different… and we can't sum up someone's life by whether they are married or not. There is so much more to them than that.

New International Version (NIV)

10 For we are God’s handiwork, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

In life we can take heart and remember we are not defined by our status of single, married or divorced. We are not summed up by one status of a relationship or lack thereof. We are more than meets the eye. We can't be defined by checking a category on a form. God knows to whom you belong… Him. He delights in you as his son or daughter… you are wonderfully made… and he has a purpose for your life whether you're married… or not.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 


Prayer~

Lord, if we begin to have thoughts of comparison to others or feeling as if our status sums us up… help us remember your view of us… gently remind us that we are your child and we are loved, that we don't find our identity in the world but in you. Amen.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading and sharing!

Related Posts:

All The Single Ladies: 10 Perks Of Being Single

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/all-single-ladies-10-perks-of-being.html

"Did He Say Ugly?" Teaching Our Daughters That Strength Is Beautiful 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/he-say-ugly-teaching-our-daughters-that.html

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html