Are You Choosing? Or Being Chosen? 4 Toxic Types To Avoid

“Romantic Young Couple Hug” by photo stock 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted 

or changed in this post 

January 2016

********************

I sat on the brown leather couch across from my therapist wearing black leggings and an oversized lightweight shrug over a long tank top. To my right the mini blinds were open to reveal a sunny January day with temps in the sixties. Evergreen trees outside framed the window on the third floor and sunshine streamed in the cozy room. We greeted one another and I comfortably adjusted the pillows behind my back. She settled in her chair and smiled at me…

"So, how have you been? How is the online dating going?" She asked me.

I smiled "I'm good. The dating… it's been interesting." I told her with a grin.

She nodded and prompted "Tell me…"

"Well… first there was Stephen. I really liked him and thought we'd meet. The conversation was amazing." I told her. "We really clicked… it was back and forth, like a ping pong game, quick, witty and fun."

"So what happened?" She asked.

"I found out he had a sixteen month old daughter." I told her.

"Is that an issue?" She asked, peering at me.

"I think so… I mean, I have a kid who has nine to ten years on her. Were at extremes. I don't really want to sign up for a sixteen month old." I admitted.

"I'm not so sure I'd call that a deal breaker…"She trailed off.

"He hasn't been divorced very long. Less than six months." I told her.

"Now that's a deal breaker." She affirmed. "That concerns me."

I nodded "Me too… then there was David… all he wanted was sex." I smirked. "I eliminated him quick. So, I'm still looking." I told her.

She spoke, "I really think this is good for you though. It's allowing you to figure out exactly what you want and also how to be more assertive. I want to keep working with you on this. I want you to continue setting boundaries and I have to say… I am VERY proud of you in how you stood up to the guy in your last relationship… telling him that you have the right to choose to not sign up for someone with bi-polar is setting a boundary. And I know that was very hard for you to do."

I nodded "Yeah." I stated. "And yet I feel like the horrible person. Like I'm mean because I told him I'm not signing up for that. I feel bad and yet I DON'T want to sign up for that. I would have a breakdown no doubt! I exclaimed.

"Exactly…" She nodded. "And I know you feel bad… but it's so good that you are choosing what YOU want not allowing the guy to dictate what you get!"

********************

Are you doing the choosing?

Or are you allowing yourself to be chosen? 

When were dating we can either choose to take charge of our dating life or choose to be a passive passenger in it. Are we in the drivers seat or are we allowing the opposite sex to make the decisions?

Who is in the drivers seat in your life?

Are we allowing ourselves to be chosen?
If so, we may ask what is the reason behind it?

It may go back to our history. 

Namely, our father.

As women, when we have fathers who aren't there for us, we tend to yearn (possibly to self-detriment) for what we didn't get. It's completely understandable. We yearn for that emotional nurturing, masculine attention and physical stability that we never received. So then we choose partners who are cut from the same cloth as our fathers and find ourselves in relationships with men who are just as toxic, stunted and unavailable. Inevitably our choices send us right down the same path over and over again until we become cognizant of the type of men we are choosing... and with that awareness then making the necessary changes. 

Are we choosing men (or if you're a man choosing a woman) that expect so much yet give us very little to nothing in return? Are we still on some level seeking the love we never received from our emotionally elusive parent? Oftentimes the sad but realistic answer is yes. 

Are we choosing partners that make us feel old? More like a parent figure versus an equal? 

Are we choosing a man or woman who tries to mold us into someone were not? Or do we hide who we are and become who we believe they want us to be? 

There are so many toxic types to avoid when it comes to dating and marriage.

Here are four....

1. The Narcissist: 

We may be choosing partners that are narcissistic to the core... classic cases of selfishness that want us to sacrifice all we are for them and the good of the relationship. These folks will expect you to give and give, for you to never expect anything of them, to always apologize even if it's not your fault, to never be sick, feel anxious, angry or sad because that is a time suck on their part and they can't be bothered. And please don't age, because that really screws with their image of perfection they so desperately want to show others. It's a twenty four hour job being with a narcissist and the benefits are nil. The end result is always the same… you being completely emotionally maxed out, physically less healthy and either being discarded for someone new (can we say fresh supply?!) or having to leave on your own accord.

2. Arrested Development:

Or maybe you're attracted to the person who appears at first young, fun and spontaneous. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously. The problem is... it's after dating them awhile that you realize they take nothing in life seriously... because they are stunted when it comes to being a grown up. They don't invest, they find a credit score unimportant, they don't save, they merely want to watch movies and they have zero interest in personal growth… don't even go there regarding counseling because they are still sixteen and perfectly content at remaining there. When you find yourself standing in the midst of Spencer's at the local mall because the thirty five year old man(!) you're dating wants to look at t-shirts and coffee mugs there may be a problem. A man (or woman) who shows arrested development may initially be a draw in the name of fun and then become a huge turn off. They look innocent enough... suit and tie, coffee and briefcase Monday through Friday from eight am to five o'clock. But the truth is... they fail to grow into adults. They fail in relationships because they become "another kid" someone has to look after.


3. The Convincer/Manipulator: 

The manipulator is someone who doesn't believe in a mutual coming together when dating… instead of pursuing you in the romantic sense they are about convincing you to be with them. This is a person whose ego is driving the relationship… and typically not for the long haul. Because the non-manipulator soon realizes their values, morals, goals, etc do not align with their romantic interest and instead may be polar opposite. This is when the heat and pressure is turned up for the person to stay with the manipulator. Pick me! Pick me! He or she may try to convince you to stay when you know deep down no matter how much chemistry you have, how much humor is shared, no matter how badly you want it to work… at the end of the day the facts don't lie… you're wrong for each other… he's an atheist, you're a Christian, he lacks empathy and you care, you're a sentimental guy and she rebuffs any sweet gesture you attempt in gift giving. No matter how hard you try it simply won't work… it's best to cut the cord and free yourself for someone who is a good match and woos without a plan to manipulate.


4. Please Change So I Can Love You:

Last, are you finding that you can't be yourself? If you are in a relationship where you are not being genuine it's time to re-assess. Only you know if it's you or them… or both. Maybe a lack of esteem or the person you're with is making you doubt yourself as being lovable. If you're constantly softening your points of view or changing your look, wardrobe, hair, etc because there is some unspoken deep down fear you are not enough… that you can't be loved for who you truly are… that's a sign there is personal work to be done. Perhaps any dating relationship needs to be put on hold until you're in a better place… confident in who you are and not wanting to adapt to what other's want you to be. Or perhaps the person you're with isn't healthy for you and expects you to be someone else. You like your hair short, he likes it long. He likes skirts and you wear pants. Are you staying true to you or changing? Staying together could mean an awful outcome, someone falling in love with who you're not… that's a recipe for disaster for both individuals. If you find yourself dependent upon this person and needing them just to function… if depression is hovering at your door that may be a sign that it's time to get in a healthier place… relationships thrive when both people come together because they want to be together not out of a dependent need.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

RELATED POSTS: 

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord

Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting 

and sharing! 

Marriage & Parenting: When Change Is Needed - 5 Tips

We know without a doubt it's incredibly important who we marry… hence to be the mother or father of our children is so important, as it will impact us (and our kids) for quite some time… at minimum eighteen years… but likely longer. We will be tied to this person in all the big and little ways pertaining to how we raise our children… whether the marriage lasts or not… we will be stuck working with them (or not, maybe more like colliding or rubbing like sandpaper) in our children's moral, health, religious, educational upbringing and more. And if we come to the conclusion our perspectives don't match up… we will not only have irritating friction but un-yielding issues that not only make us as parents want to pull our hair but also come to see the other parent as more opposition than ally. It's a reality that is essential to consider when we choose who we marry. Not everyone is shown the truth of who they are marrying… some wear masks so well it's not until much later down the road do they realize they've been duped, as it can happen to both men and women. But in hopes that that doesn't happen… it's of utmost importance to choose wisely and with open eyes focusing on actions rather than words.


My own ex and I are so far apart on the spectrum of parenting it's mind-boggling. Just this past weekend my daughter announced to me: "Daddy is listening to some song Tuesday… it has really bad words in it, Mommy." Googling the song I soon came across Chris Brown's Tuesday. I found the least bad portion of it to play and asked her if this was the song. Nodding, she affirmed that was it. More documentation ensued and a mental narrative regarding the disgusting lyrics and her father's poor parenting went through my head. It confirmed for what felt like the millionth time that he was looking out for himself, not her… certainly not her best interests. My daughter listens to Christian music give or take eighty percent of the time when she's with me…. the other twenty percent is a careful selection of songs from mainstream music. Her favorite Christian song thus far is Overcomer by Mandisa… and nothing makes me happier than hearing her belt out the lyrics from the backseat while were on errands out. It's our job as parents to make good choices that protect our children. Parenting is not a given. We can have that right taken away at any time. With having children comes responsibility. It's a privilege. Yes, we don't want them too sheltered… and in that there are always boundaries that should never be crossed… and Chris Brown's music falls into that category for children's ears.


When we've been married to someone who is either an unbeliever or someone who maybe believes in God but doesn't follow Him… it can bring catastrophic results to our children's lives. When a spouse and or parent continually chooses self over selfless, marriages suffer and children do as well. Marital relationships and parenting that is "self-oriented" is not in alignment with God's word. These paths of darkness is what produces destruction in families versus a fruitful life.

This isn't about superficial change… change that doesn't really matter like whether someone likes karaoke, or prefers wearing blue over green or even if they like sushi or not. This is about serious change needed that can make or break a marriage. 

The truth is… a person has to want to change. Husband or wife. They have to want it for themselves. Years ago as I sat having lunch with a girlfriend she told me about a friend of hers who she was trying to counsel… her friend had had a really tough time in her marriage for years and my heart went out to her… the husband was an alcoholic, quick to temper and had pushed her once (which is one time too many). He seemed to live for video games and himself… often isolating himself and doing his own thing while she took the kids off for fun and dinners out etc. They lived in a divided household shown by their actions. Her friend was nearly at her wits end yet her husbands behavior continued for years. My friend was sad because no matter how supportive she was her friend frustratedly kept thinking her husband would change. Yet, he didn't. My friend spoke: "He won't change till he's ready. He has to want to for himself. "

25 Husbands, love your wives, 

as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Ephesians 5:25   English Standard Version (ESV)

We can't make someone change for the better, unfortunately. It's kind of like a symptom of sinuses acting up… it may irk us and for one reason or another that sinus symptom may initiate one person to go to the doctor to find out the reason for the issue. But someone else? They may decide it's easier to stay where they are… ignore their sinuses… as it's easy to live with them… it's not a deal breaker, after all… they can still navigate about their day despite it. They aren't uncomfortable enough yet with their situation. It's not much different with marital issues… someone who doesn't want to change may decide they are comfortable with the status of their marriage… while the other spouse simmers, despairs and boils and feels huge angst about the relationship… in summary doing all the worrying for both of them in where the union is headed.

“If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” Mark 3:25

It's admittedly difficult to teach a dog new tricks if they have zero desire to learn. Likewise, if a parent is continually dabbling in choices that suit themselves and not the best interests of their children eventually there will be consequences. Consequences that could hypothetically go either direction… children that take on similar poor decisions of their parent and unfortunately continue down a road of looking out for one's self… raising another generation of children who do the same… or the other direction… hopefully a child who sees their parents choices for what they are… selfish, unbiblical and toxic… ultimately one day growing into a leadership role and becoming better for what they endured and lived through, instilling change for the next generation.


So what can we do as spouses when our spouse won't change? When it's much needed change, big change, valid change in areas that are threatening the very core of the union… the very marital fiber?  We can let them know we are serious about making changes, that we are serious about the relationships needs not being met… inviting them to go to marital counseling either through a professional therapist or trusted Pastor. Let he or she know that the way things have been will not continue… hopefully the fact they have much to lose will help wake them up to the fact they need to stop remaining stagnant and become an active partner toward change…. change that will require following a different path than the one their on…


So what else can you do? While beginning the path of therapy?

Here are 5 Tips To Help: 

1. Make lists of what areas you believe to be issues of power and control by your spouse.
2. How are your children showing signs of disrespect?
3. When are times that all media can be turned off so you can focus on each other; just talking and listening?
4. Do you see your children showing negative behaviors similar to yours/your spouses? What are they?
5. Try to remember that your spouse is not your enemy, satan is though and he loves to create destruction in any way he can… his first attack is always the family unit. So how can you and your spouse come together as a team and not adversaries? Perhaps by making a list of what issues you do agree on… as well as what brought you together in the first place… finding the common ground you have will help to bring you closer rather than pushing you further away.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Related Posts: 

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

3 Common Triggers In Marriage: Fighting Fair

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/10/3-common-triggers-in-marriage-fighting.html

When You Need Peace: Turn To God

Isn't it in the times of transition that we seem to flounder most (?)… when our lives have been uprooted by change either that we ourselves pursued or outside forces inflicted. Whether it's an unforeseen illness that has reared it's ugly head, the choice or need to move, a death in our family, a joyful birth… regardless of the type of change, whether it can be defined as wonderful or horrible… we know it can leave us feeling unsettled as we move into a new season in our life.


A New Season… 

As I begin a new season of life… perhaps you are too. As I type this I am surrounded by boxes… moving boxes and plastic bins… I am moving by choice… downsizing again… ridding myself of the excess space and stuff that continues to act as a block to inner peace. Striving for minimalism, I believed that was what I was attaining when I moved before on the heels of my divorce becoming final… but it's often not until you begin living in a space for a while… adjusting, after some time has passed… and then realize that you still have more worldly possessions than you could ever need or want. You realize you don't even use rooms x,y,z… and you begin taking serious inventory of just what exactly you do utilize on a day to day basis.


Taking Stock Of Our Life…

Taking stock of what we are using, what were actually wearing, what space we are living in and even what we are enjoying is a big undertaking, no doubt. But doing so, downsizing… even in small increments here and there over a period of time… can bring such peace to our life… shedding ourselves, purging what we no longer use, need or enjoy can begin opening the door to what truly matters… we won't have so much static clogging up the doorway to a peaceful life.


Life can often cause us to give into worry, to stress… 

To buy that box of cookies we don't really need but we do because were mentally or physically maxed out and need a "fix", we need to decompress, we need something to make us feel better. Some people choose alcohol, some choose retail "therapy", some choose exercise, some choose chocolate… there are endless options on what people may choose to self medicate on a bad day, bad week or even stressful season. We may find ourselves with pent up tension… tight shoulders, an aching neck, a headache… even stomach upset… but God doesn't expect nor want us to go around like that. I have to remind myself of this often… maybe you do too. Last night as I was reviewing a contract for work and making necessary calls I glanced at the time only to have a mini freak out… I had to go! It was getting late and my daughter had to be somewhere. I found myself stressed… and soon I found myself mentally saying to myself: "You cannot be everywhere. You cannot do it all. Just. Slow. Down. Deep Breaths. " Sometimes we find ourselves feeling the pressure of a situation and at the end of the day we either don't have control over it and/or we can remind ourselves to just take it one step at a time. We can remind ourselves that God doesn't expect nor want us to run around in a fervor of upset… that He wants peace for us in our lives.

John 14:27 

Jesus promises to give us His peace

John 16:33 

We have peace because He has overcome the world

1 Corinthians 7:15 

God calls us to live in peace

 1 Corinthians 14:33 

He is not a God of disorder 

but of peace

Ephesians 2:14 

 He is our peace

Philippians 4:7 

His peace transcends 

all understanding

Colossians 3:15 

His peace 

should rule in our heart 

Galatians 5:22 

Peace is a fruit of the spirit

Matthew 6:25-34

 Exhorts us not to worry

The best way for us to overcome stress in an increasingly stressful world that is filled with stressors like school, health issues, traffic, deadlines and maybe even family strife... is to increase our fellowship with God. 

When we are moving into a new and changing season in our lives no matter what it is, we must take the time to develop a deeper intimacy with the Lord, to lean on Him. We can remind ourselves to remain in God's word, to immerse ourselves in it daily throughout the thick and thin of battle, of trying times. When life throws us unexpected curveballs we may often turn to a chocolate bar, a beer after work… an intense exercise regimen, or reality television… but don't despair, don't cling to the world… we can remember we may have stress, we may have problems, we may have change… but they don't have to have us. 

We can turn to God, our Prince of Peace… 

We can allow Him to 

Sustain...

Comfort... 

and 

Nurture us. 

He is the ultimate healer and soother. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Timing & Sacrifice: When God Uses Us To Bless Others

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/timing-sacrifice-when-god-uses-us-to.html

Like Fireflies: Being A Light And Sharing Our Story

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/03/like-fireflies-being-light-sharing-our.html

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours: Empathy & Love 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/break-my-heart-for-what-breaks-yours.html

Dear Friend: A Letter Of Love To You

Dear Friend…


Maybe you have been brought down… at least temporarily… perhaps by a life circumstance, maybe by a person whose actions are comparable to a punch with gloves off… but fret not… let a few tears escape… lay on the cold hard floor and bite your lip till it nearly bleeds… lie there listening to nothing but your heart beating in the quiet surrounding you… and take a deep breath… deep breaths… let your stomach rise and fall… let your core and back relax… let it all go… and then after you've allowed yourself that momentary time of prayer and a rejuvenation of strength and strong will… you will leap upward again… you will spring forward like an arrow forced into the wind and sail along despite any push back… you will continue onward because you've been down before… you've been here in this pit of darkness… and yet you know it's never forever… it's not a destination of "this will never change"… but instead it's "this too shall pass".


Determination and strength from God is what fuels you… takes you far… and as wide as possible… determination is a willingness to change as needed… to go with the flow… keeping an open mind and being able to adapt… because often what causes the initial frustration of an obstacle in life is compounded by the inability or unwillingness to accept it… to embrace it… versus kicking it away and resisting it's presence. That resistance… futile resistance is mere stubbornness… an unwillingness to accept what is… and deal the hand dealt to us… versus fighting or sitting stagnant in our chair, arms crossed and closed off to the new chapter that awaits.

Instead we can free ourselves from that cage… we can be open to new possibilities… what our life now looks like… savor what is wonderful right now… and look to what is coming that holds promise and goodness… we can thank God each and every day for the blessings He lets rain over us… despite our condition as wretchedly human. Or maybe the cage is in our head… maybe it's a voice of limitedness that whispers tauntingly, that deceives and tells you that you aren't capable, you aren't worthy… that you cannot go any further because you feel too whipped by your poor choices in the past or life's hand dealt to you or by others… maybe you feel the injustice of it all… but those whispers are just that… whispers and lies of the evil one… in an attempt to keep you down, miserable and suffering… far away from victory… but freedom can be yours… it only requires telling that negative whisper to hush and go shrivel up to die because you, my friend… are a survivor and thriver.


In any life defeats there is a silver lining… where we have loss we always have gain… where one door shuts another opens… we have the ability to embrace something new, or someone and in that be with someone who makes you laugh… who notices the little things… who energizes you… who when you have doubts they acknowledge that no, you did do that… you did it and well… be with someone who gives you credit… who acknowledges your contribution, your efforts, your interest, your care… be with someone who will be straight with you… who doesn't bs you around… who doesn't make excuses, who doesn't pick and choose, who doesn't stall… who is forthright and gives as well, who shares their life, their thoughts, their history… if they aren't willing to do this or questionable flags rise... walk away... be with whom you can say without hesitation "I appreciate you" or "I'm thinking about you"… be with someone who knows what they have when they are with you, who isn't content with living in a relationship of gray but chooses you and commits… these little things from the heart are like rays of sunshine and create a bright glow even in the darkest day.


At the end of the day no matter what threatens our peace what matters is you are defined as God's beloved daughter or son… not merely who others believe you are as defined by our worldly consumerism of cars, clothes, homes, status, jobs, degrees, alumni, etc… we are not defined by our past, our family or the choices made by others. If we were stripped of all that "makes us worthy" in the eyes of man and each of us wore a t-shirt with all our life pains listed… what would yours say? Divorced? Cancer? Loss? Infidelity? Financial Struggles? Job loss? Alcoholism? Depression? Drug Addiction? … and yet it would also say… loved by God. Much of our happiness comes from knowing God's perspective of us… when we see ourselves as God sees us… whether we are on the floor wanting to melt into it from pure exhaustion feeling defeated by others choices that are out of our control or standing atop a hill in joyous liberating song… when we realize with a deeply planted knowledge that our Lord cares for us and will walk beside us no matter what storms occur, no matter the outcome, we will release the chains and absurdities of life to Him and walk free.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                         

                             

                             

                             

                             

                            

                   Thank you to my readers for reading, commenting and sharing!

Divorce & Matt Walsh: Not All "Change" Is Merely A Challenge

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post posted on May 29th, 2014 titled:

 My Wife Is Not The Same Woman That I Married. 

You can read it here: http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/05/29/wife-person-married/

Matt Walsh shows his naiveté in this post regarding divorce and as he may very well have great intentions... as the second portion about his wife is beautiful… in the first half he writes about how divorced folks today take marriage not-so-seriously… and instead intimates at their finalization they are seemingly ready to celebrate; slice their divorce cake, pop champagne and dance on the tables. Perhaps they are in some cases but to make a blanket assumption about divorced individuals is far from accurate.


He hasn't been divorced.
He hasn't walked that path.
He hasn't known that pain.
He is no better than you and me.

People don't wear a badge of honor 
because their married and 
someone else is divorced. 

Likewise just because someone is legally married does not mean for a second they are in a successful marriage. How do we define a successful marriage? A legal marriage does not constitute a marriage filled with love and selflessness. This is not automatic. Numbers don't matter. People don't give much or any credit to someone saying they've been married 3 years, 5 years or even ten. Their like a baby… and might as well be wearing diapers. There are couples who have been married 20, 35, 50 years and are miserable. There are spouses in these longterm marriages who have endured horrible abuse…  whether emotionally or physically or perhaps both. Can we call those marriages successful? No. Hands down they aren't. Marriage should be a reflection of love… of Jesus… and where abuse resides under a roof Christlike love doesn't. 

per Matt Walsh… 

"Divorcing someone because they change?

You might as well divorce them because they breathe".

Many of us that have divorced have done so due to highly toxic marriages… relationships that perhaps began somewhat good… maybe even great… but soon after the "I do's" or some years later the union began spiraling downward… as one spouse CHANGED… but not regular change… not healthy change… not growth… not becoming better or even just different but instead… change due to...

Narcissism

Craziness  

Sociopathic Traits

Abusive Behavior

Controlling 

Alcoholism

Jealousy

Manipulation

Addictions

Criminal-prone actions

Deviant Behavior

Without a doubt we all change as we journey through life… and for many successful marriages the changes are of two people who are striving for personal greatness individually and as a couple. They are encouragers, they are cheerleaders, they are supportive and lift each other up… not one person pulling the other one down causing despair, chaos and grief.


I can tell you that anyone who has been through a marriage filled with dysfunction at best… but more accurately abuse… they are divorcing because they've suffered a long time. This was a long road, this was a road riddled with a weary "I have to keep trying" and a resolute "I won't give up"… and even cries of "God? Are you there?" Divorce is not the easy way out by any means. Divorce isn't for wimps or sissies. We don't divorce because someone changed in a way that doesn't fit our "comfort zone" as Walsh put it. I don't know any woman or man for that matter who finds the "challenges" of living with someone emotionally unstable or narcissistic or that lies and cheats something that can be merely chalked up to as out of their "comfort zone". There will always be true challenges in marriage yet there are also behaviors ie; actions that shouldn't be happening… that violate the very foundation of trust between two people… that threaten the very core of the union. Actions chosen by one spouse like domestic violence, stonewalling, gas-lighting, infidelity and more are not challenges easily dealt with or that even should be. There are repercussions to all of these actions… bruises and broken bones, psychological distress, sexually transmitted diseases, setting an unhealthy example of love for your children and more. Let's keep in mind that people who have divorced didn't go into marriage desiring divorce to be the outcome… no matter what belief you have, no matter what your faith.

I believe people of all walks of life and a wide spectrum of life circumstances need reaching out, they need support and they need to feel like they are not in their hurt alone. People no matter what age, race, sex or background, they want to feel like they belong… that they matter. And you do. You're divorced. So what? God may hate divorce for what it does… for the pain it causes and it grieves Him. But He doesn't hate you.

 I certainly didn't utter my wedding vows with the thought I would ever be signing divorce papers one day. When our dreams are shattered we aren't dancing on tables, or making toasts, were often watching dreams go down the drain that we looked forward to for a lifetime. Today, looking back at seven year old me… playing Barbies, building with Lincoln Logs and making mud pies in the backyard, I never ever would have guessed I'd be divorced one day. Never in a million years. As a little girl I wanted to get married and live happily ever after. As a little girl every Christmas my family would load up in the family car and drive across town… every year in December at Christmastime the residents along the lake on the west side would put up light displays. The various displays would twinkle, their colors reflecting off the water, shimmering in the moonlight. Our vehicle would slow to a stop and we'd peer out at the beautiful lights in awed silence. All the magnificent homes would be lit up in the background… and as we'd make the turn around the corner to pass by the homes… I always thought to myself… one day… I hope one day I live here, in this neighborhood… in one of these homes… I want the windows lit with light and laughs within. I want memories and extended family… I want the Currier and Ives moment.

I want the fairy tale.

You know what?

I got it. 


I grew up.
I got married.
I had kids.
I lived in that neighborhood.
I had the lights on the lake at Christmas.
The windows were lit up every night like a beacon of hope.


Yes, I had everything.

Everything…

but love. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To my readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

"The longer my marriage went on the more I felt like Eliza Doolittle," I told her. "You know... Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady... the girl who Henry Higgins tries to mold into what he wants. He tries to change everything about her." 

She yanked open the door to the refrigerator and took out a package of hamburger beef setting it down on the counter with a loud thud!... it was still partially frozen and had to finish defrosting before she could form it into patties. Her tone was angry as she spoke: 

"I could see that! I kept thinking just who does he think he is? Expecting my daughter to change when my daughter is a catch. If you needed to change something, as your mother I'll tell you you need to!" she exclaimed with a grin.

I laughed at that, amused and she shook her head as she continued...

"It takes a lot of nerve! It made me so mad." 

"It was like I was a pet project. But at the same time it's so insidious how it happens... this way of wrapping it up pretty to make it out like he's genuinely trying to help or something. If I didn't like something he didn't see it as part of who I am... instead it was a deep flaw that needed to be overcome. I mean, it wasn't like I needed dire help with an addiction or required intervention of some kind. It wasn't a character issue he was trying to encourage change for the better but it was superficial stuff, more personality related than anything."

She nodded as she grabbed a knife from the cutlery drawer and began slicing an onion into tiny cubes. "If he couldn't accept you as you were then he shouldn't have married you." 

"I think he wanted someone who dressed like a Stepford wife and that's fine for a party or wedding I suppose but I'm more practical, just jeans and a shirt for everyday. I feel like Marion the Librarian in a dress, heels and button down sweater. It's cute on some women but it's just not me. And yet he changed so much over the years. Who I married was not who I divorced." I told her as I continued assembling the homemade chicken enchiladas I was making. "I really think once we found out I had ADHD that was the final clencher... he acted like I was inferior because of it instead of being supportive. He couldn't relate to it and ultimately we were speaking two different languages." 

She rinsed off her hands at the white porcelain sink and dried them on the striped kitchen towel hanging nearby. "Well, at least there is medication to help with ADHD. But there's no magic pill to fix jerky behavior." She told me then added, "People shouldn't try to change others or be somebody else... just be yourself." 

Just be yourself. 

Three words that are so important. 

Especially today in a world that tries to get you to be anybody but yourself. Today young women and men both need to know more than ever that "to be yourself" is one of the most important messages you will ever hear.

Ladies,

If you feel like you have to change 
yourself to

 GET HIM

 or 

KEEP HIM 

you should 

DUMP HIM. 

If he begins trying to change you

that's when you know he's 

not good nor healthy for you.

Just move on because somewhere down the line will be a guy… maybe not the next guy or the one after that… but there will surely be a guy who likes who you are; flaws, baggage, likes, dislikes and all.

***********************

He will be fine with the fact you'd rather wear jeans than a skirt to dinner and would rather scarf tacos than a steak.

He will be fine with the fact you blast the stereo in the kitchen and dance to Push It by Salt N Pepa because life doesn't have to be serious all the time.

He will be fine with the fact you wear leggings, a Pink sweatshirt and your hair in a bun at home because when you are at your most comfortable you are your most beautiful.

He will be fine with the fact you hate brussels sprouts and mango's and yet he won't stop eating them just because you don't care for them and you wouldn't want him to.

He will be fine with the fact you wear heels even if you tower over him, appreciating your beauty.

He will be fine with the fact that roller coasters aren't your forte because there is surely something he himself doesn't care for that you like.

He will be fine with the fact that maybe sometimes you kinda hog the queso at restaurants like a kid and sits back to let you indulge because it's your favorite thing ever and he thinks it's cute.

He will be fine with all the ugliness of your past, will appreciate you for who you are and loves you… he wants to kiss your scars and hurts with care instead of inflicting more hurt in those wounds just as you'd do for him.

He will be fine with the fact you love God more than anyone… yes, even him… because he knows that is what's best for you and as married to God's daughter he himself wants to care for and love you till the day he dies.

**********************

Love looks you in the eye, 
in the darkness of your room 
and meeting your gaze 
says with steady assurance: 

"I love you. Even when you're late, stubborn and mad. I love you for you. I love you in your struggle, your doubts and worries. I love you in your regrets and hopes. I want to kiss the spots that hurt from your past and heal them with warm kisses. I am here everyday and love you now and in the future."

He will love you as you are. 

I promise. 

You don't have to change 

for a man to love you. 

A boy will look at you always searching 

for what you could improve upon, change or do differently. 

But A Man Won't. 

Love doesn't say: 

"You're less than because you have ADHD, etc." 

because that's hurtful. 

Love doesn't say: 

"You need to change this for me to like you or love you"

 because otherwise I'm just tolerating you. 

Love doesn't say: 

"If you loved me you would do this or that…" 

because that's manipulation. 

As Women… 
When we are progressing towards the best version of ourselves each day, when we aren't comparing ourselves to any other women but instead who we were last month, last week or yesterday, we are living a life of happiness and satisfaction. 

When we realize acceptance doesn't come from a man but from God we have stopped subscribing to the world. We already have God's acceptance. A real man will delight in who you are and who you are becoming and love every inch of you in between. He will value you, keeping you near and dear to his heart even when you're not by his side… because when he sees bits of you sprinkled here and there in his life… when he sees your hot pink bra hanging on the doorknob… when he finds your peppermint Chapstick buried in the bed… when he catches a whiff of your brown sugar body wash in the shower… when he already knows you're going to be five minutes late before you even utter those predictable words to him…


He smiles to himself and thinks…


"That's my girl… just being herself and I love her."


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

5 Tips For Wives Trying To Change Their Husbands: 

Here are some tips to keep in mind if/when you attempt to change him. Keeping these reminders handy in a spot like your vanity or desk will go a long way in staying cognizant of not trying to change your husband. 

1. Use words of life, not death. The second a criticism begins to form at your lips take pause and decide if this is really going to help. Will it build him up or tear him down? Will it encourage him or make him feel inadequate? 

2. Learn his language. Both of you can take a love language test by Gary Chapman online to discover what your love languages are. Make a concerted effort to speak his language more. He will notice. 

3. Make him look good. One of the worst things a wife can do is cut her husband off in conversation in public, interrupt him, correct him on facts and events, names, etc. Every time a wife does this it chips away at him, making him feel stupid. He may not say anything but his feelings will be hurt. With that, let your spouse know when you talk about him it's in a positive light. If you say anything behind his back make sure it's a compliment. 

4. Let grace abound. This is not about letting someone walk all over you or tolerating abusive behavior, enabling them, etc. It's about being married to someone healthy who just had a bad day… he came home grumpy about an incident at work and you don't try to tell him what to do… you're just there for him, happy to listen and let him vent if needed. He knows even if he goes about venting and griping you are there for him and a safe place to do it with. He knows you love him and he would be the same safe spot for you if the tables were turned. And he will have humility to say: "Sorry I was such a grouch tonight babe… just a bad day. Didn't mean to harp on. But thanks for listening. I love you." Just like you would do for him. 

5. Tell him how much you love him. Speak up. You have this one life, one chance to tell him exactly how you feel about him. He wants to know he's a good guy, a great husband and dad. He wants to know you would still choose him all over again and has your unconditional love. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

Related Posts: 

When "Love" = Death: What I Wanted To Tell Her 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/when-death-what-i-wanted-to-tell-her.html

5 Acts Of Love: When A Woman Loves A Man 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/5-acts-of-love-when-woman-loves-man.html

Secure:  Just Be. Just You.

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/secure-just-be-just-you.html

Our Thoughts Released: Life & Victory Vs Death

Is what we release reflected back to us? 

What thoughts, mindset, words, energy, etc are we releasing into the world? 

Where do we need to adjust and with inner self awareness make the necessary changes to become healthier, to become better and whole? 

Sometimes with the bustling flurry of life we get caught up in we may not be aware of a slippery slope we've begun on until we are sliding down it like a kid on a snowy hill by route of inner tube. 

Instead of laughing with glee it's in that moment we find ourselves gripping the sides of our inner tube with tightly clenched fists and digging our heels in to brake, to oh no, please stop(!), because we see our destination ahead and it's not pretty.

We all naturally want to make sure we are not headed somewhere detrimental... a point of travel that began within our mind.... that lead us to a journey that's filled with icy rough patches that will cut us, make us cry out in pain knowing full well we knew better.... yet wasn't fully engaged in the present of life and our thought process. 

We attract what we are investing in our life. When we are thinking positively, making wise choices, when we are disciplined, when we are emotionally and spiritually healthy we are then able to live a life of beauty...  not decaying fruit that attracts disease carrying flies to breed more of the same. It's only when we are in a good place, a healthy place; infusing light outward that we can be assured light continues to reflect back into our inner circle not impending darkness. 

What are we giving? 

What are we thinking?

What are we saying? 

What are we doing? 

These are all actions we must evaluate and pray about. We can be honest in self objectivity and then make the necessary conscious changes needed with prayer, self discipline and first and foremost through our thoughts. 

Our internal thoughts set the tone for our words, our tongue and how we behave. 

Choosing Thoughts And Words Of Life: 

When we are insecure it begins with self defeating and or critical thoughts in our mind. We may internally chip away at ourselves with words of comparison, criticism about our looks, our bodies, our hair, etc. 

Romans 12:2 ESV 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Negative thoughts are the seeds that lead to feeling inadequate and consequently mentally tearing down others. The woman criticizing another woman is the problem not her target. By talking to yourself as a best friend (a healthy one) would, someone who is an encourager, as God would in a loving manner, it does something wonderful... it builds you up to then raise up others. What a beautiful domino effect that is and one every woman can benefit from! 

Choosing To Be The Victor Not The Victim: 

It's undoubtedly difficult to transition from an abusive relationship to healthy and whole again. It's a healing process and with every step forward there may be two steps backward and so on. Yet even though it may be tempting (and there will undoubtedly be dark days) to allow yourself to lapse into a continual quagmire of self pity we can remember that like quick sand one can't stand long in pity. We will undoubtedly drown and become engulfed with the self defeating thoughts and behaviors that pity brings. 

Philippians 3:12  

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

We can acknowledge that whatever happened wasn't right, wade through healing with determination and then move on, pressing forward because we have a life to live! We have limited time and let's be certain no one is going to take that precious commodity away from us. We don't have time to wallow in the depths of "poor me" because we have so much to do, to accomplish and ground to cover. Living in this mindset makes us the Victor! 

Choosing Self Discipline In All Areas Of Our Life: 

Having goals and knowing exactly what we want makes a clear snapshot of where we are headed in life versus bouncing everywhere like a Ping Pong ball with zero focus. If we want a certain career we know the steps we must take to get it. Staying true to this path will ensure steady strides to our ultimate goal and keeps us from straying off it. If we are desiring a Godly man to share our life with, to love, are we in a healthy place? We should be able to express our love without hesitation, articulate our needs and wants in a mature, firm, loving manner.... not through temper fits, control, seduction or manipulation. A husband should know what to expect from us when we communicate... we being like a constant river of steady calm... not him having to worry he's going to have a five foot four tsunami coming at him as he stands before us (nothing will make him run for the hills faster... or at least to the next room with a beer and ear plugs). And yet also he should be a steady rock himself, not a slippery slope but a picture of love with a giving heart. We won't attract a Godly man if our thoughts and ways are cluttered with patterns of ill communication... "well, guess why I'm angry!" and "here's exactly why I'm angry!"....  we must replace habits of the flesh with Christlike ones and refrain from dabbling in attacking, self serving or defeating behaviors. With that, are we serving others with a glad and thankful heart? 

Hebrews 6:10 

For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for his name in serving the saints, as you still do.

Most important: Are we actively serving our spouse, the one we chose to love every day?

Taking responsibility for our behavior, for our life, our goals, being an authentic person and putting God first will translate to attracting those who do the same. 

Every day we have a choice in what we release out into the world. 

What an amazing thought.... to realize that we can change the world by starting with ourselves and our world within.... what we release... beginning with our thoughts that have the power to give life or death... to our words, our goals, our relationships and beyond.... 

Everytime 

we 

accomplish 

this 

we 

can 

know... 

we walk in victory! 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

               To My Readers:

               Thank you for reading, 

              commenting & sharing!